My Biggest Complaint About The DVD Bible

The holy knowledge of the King James version of the Old and New Testaments combined with the convenience of two DVDs. Wow. It’s the biggest impact on spreading the word of God since the invention of the printing press.

Why waste time and energy journeying across town to the bookstore to purchase the bible in book form when you can simply order the bible on DVD for 29.95 plus shipping and handling from the comfort of your own home? Don’t risk damaging your fragile limbs while turning a page when you can restrict all motion to your thumb as you push the buttons on your DVD remote control to heed the word of God on your television screen.

Not convinced? Listen to our most recent testimonial:

“My kids used to hate it when I pinned their eyelids open and forced them to read the bible after homeschooling. But now with the DVD Bible they can’t wait sit down with the family on our couch made from the tanned skin of heretics to stare at the holy magic box that can do no wrong.”

My biggest complaint about the DVD Bible is that if you need to stare at the bible on your TV screen (and it is literally an image of the book on the screen) and you require it to be narrated to you, you’re completely contradicting the point of the King James version which was written in layman’s terms so that lay men could read the bible for themselves. But still, you could just look at the actual book, FOR FREE!

You don’t wanna buy a bible? Steal it from your hotel room nightstand! Technology will not make religion more palatable to you. If you’re not reading the bible without a DVD player, you are not meant to read it. You’re meant to lay in the dirt, face down and let the bugs and worms enter your body through the mouth to devour you and return you to the dust of the Earth. And no, I’m not a Christian.