Ok I have had this big problem probably since I was in college. Before I get to that, I have been very blessed. I came from an underpriviledged, broken home but I ended up graduating from college, finding the wonderful, handsome husband, getting a great job, having a beautiful baby, then leaving work to be a stay at home mom, and getting a new house and new car. I advanced in my job and I advanced into leadership in my church. I can sing and do this a lot at churches and such.
This is all great, but I have always felt kind of lonely in the area of friendships. I call my husband my best friend because I can never seem to have a lasting friendship with women. My bridal party was sad. It was an older woman from church and some in laws.
I’m pretty sure jealousy is the problem. I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me. I really don’t feel like being in relationships where I can never talk about my life, my feelings, current events, etc. To me, that’s not a friendship. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? Am I doomed to no genuine friends in my life?
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The older I have gotten the more I have noticed the exact thing, and yes it has come with success. People tend not to like to associate with positive, attractive, successful, happy people. It was interesting reading your complaint because the when you said “I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me.” I swear I have said those exact words!
I had a coworker tell me once that I have too much confidence and I come across arrogant. I am a “take charge” kind of guy but I have learned, especially since I am not managing people anymore to keep my opinions and suggestions to my self. I am using this outside of the office as well.
Work is the worst, and I have finally realized that no one here is my friend and no one here will ever be my friend.
On a positive note, I haven’t given up hope. I still put forth the effort to relate to people and find friends. Hopefully one day, it will happen for both of us.
you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.
mark on January 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm | Link
I might add also that others HATE to hear that everything is “perfect” for you when their lives may be falling apart.
If I’ve learned anything important in life it is to listen and actually HEAR what others are saying. My husband and I are much like you (except the church stuff), he enjoys bragging about our home, cars, vacations and I don’t. If someone asks I’ll gladly tell them about our cruise or European trips and show them pictures. He enjoys being admired for all he’s achieved and often complains if he doesn’t get acknowledgment. I’m totally different, in that I know what we’ve achived and I get a little “high” just for myself in knowing that we are successful and have arrived in life.
I also know that 1 minute can take away or change everything. So I never take anything for granted. Don’t let others sway you, always stay true to yourself.
Leona
Leona on January 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm | Link
No matter what you do, people are always going to be insecure about themselves, and will project that onto you in the form of jealousy, resentment, hatred, whatever. It’s what people do. Nothing you can change about yourself, your life, or your hard work and success will change the other person’s mind and heart. If a girl friend is jealous of you because you know how to save money to get the things you want, but she is stuck on the morning latte factor, and lotto tickets and smokes she just “has” to have, she’ll never be able to understand how to save money like you. That makes her feel stupid, which makes her buy more junk to make herself feel better, which makes her have less money, which makes her more jealous. She can’t figure out that if she just quit smoking and exercised, she’d look, feel, and be better off. Her mind just can’t understand it. That’s just how she’s made. You can’t make her understand any more than she’s willing to understand in her own power.
I’m sorry that’s not a happy answer, but I’m in EXACTLY the same boat and feel just like you do. It’s getting so predictable that I know just what silly switch to throw to get them to go into a tizzy over something stupid. Why are these people still around me? They do me no good! It’s sad that people have to be so insecure and jealous. It’s sad that people can’t be happy for you because you try and work and save and do the right thing. But that’s how petty and small people are.
I’m looking for a new church group now to try and find some more like minded individuals, at least maybe some more intelligent people, so we’ll see if I turn up any new friends. 2009 is my year to grow and if I have to shed these others, so be it. I can’t spend my life catering to those around me who need to be coddled every second of the day.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s the attitude you have to take sometimes. You have to take care of #1 first, and sometimes, you have to learn that it has to be ok that you can’t help everybody around you.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!
Carrie on January 9th, 2009 at 6:57 am | Link
“you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.”
Listen to the wisdom of what Mark is saying there with that one line.
If the people you used to be friends with are no longer comfortable with you, chances are it’s because YOU’VE changed. It won’t be enough for you to find new people to be your friends. You need to find a new TYPE OF PERSON for you to get a long with.
Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.
AdvntrCapitalist on January 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm | Link
It would be great if somehow we could all find eachother and all be friends.. wonder if it would work?
we all seem to be having the same problem with these other people (our ‘friends’) who don’t know how to deal with the fact that we have happiness and success in our lives.
so as AdventrCapitalist said we need to “Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.”
I would also love to have some true friends.. maybe this is a good place to start :))
travelingdesigner on February 4th, 2009 at 1:36 am | Link
Wow! What a great site. I am going through this exact experience. I am midlife and I feel like I have almost no friends. Petty jealousy, lack of interest, intimidated. I don’t know what it is. And yes, I’ve recently had one friend just phase me out. So, something about me has changed. Is it my working out? I don’t know.
I don’t rub things in to make people feel bad. I am nice, compassionate, caring person who has a lot of interests. I have a very devoted husband and he and I are best friends. I have two kids that keep me busy, busy, busy but in a good way. I do not have the perfect marriage, I do not have perfect kids, and I do not have a perfect life. Perfect is for another planet. The best I can hope for is incremental improvement on this planet and to be humble and grateful for all the good things I have.
I keep hoping to run into other women that are considerate, interesting, and have a variety of interests. Our family does a lot with our church, but frankly, I have often found almost the most resentment and pettiness from people I have met there.
Do I have crummy things going on in my life? Absolutely, but attitude is everything. Happiness is not due to circumstance, but by our attitude. I choose to be happy even if there are many things in my life that are going really crummy. Somehow, I think people might assume since I am “happy”, that this means I don’t have anything crummy going on in my life.
The lack of friendship or jealous friends is a much more common experience than I have ever imagined. Any input is appreciated.
plantperson on February 13th, 2009 at 7:07 pm | Link
Plantperson,
I spent all last year phasing out a friend who was constantly lying, ignoring, mistreating me, abusing our trust by telling others intimate things about me that were private. She is a martyr, denies any wrong doing, asks to work on saving our friendship, begs forgiveness…
Then last night we went to a function for a mutual friend and she BLATANTLY IGNORED ME. I waved my arms over my head in an attempt to get her attention, to say hello from my seat, and she looked right through me. By phasing her out, I never said I would never speak to her again, but placed her at ‘acquaintence’ level and did not trust her with my heart. Her answer to this is to pretend I am now invisible. This is one of the thousand reasons why I phased this friendship out. It only hurts me, it does not benefit me.
You choose to be happy and make the most out of this blessed life that God has given you? Great! That’s all it takes for people to be jealous, intimidated, and hate you. That’s it! Should you start hating your life and cursing God up and down and take up smoking crack so that you have a ‘real’ problem that people can feel sorry for? Hell no! No matter what you do, you will intimidate people, make them jealous, insecure, upset, and make them hate their own life to some degree. There’s nothing you can do.
Am I lonely for a friend now, a real friend? Yes. Will I grab just anyone so I won’t be friendless? No. Do I have a variety of interests? Yes. Could I be your friend? Sure. haha All I ask is that you love YOU, know who you are and where you’re going in life, and enjoy sharing you with me as I walk this path. That’s it.
What’s so hard about that??? I wish I knew…
Carrie on February 14th, 2009 at 7:12 am | Link
Hi Carrie:
Thanks for the post. I think you did the right thing in phasing this “nasty person” out of your life. There is no positive benefit to being around a person like that. You have to protect yourself.
I have found that I need to learn how to disappoint others so I can be true to myself. I wouldn’t worry about her ignoring you. Let it go. I have been in a similar situation where this woman was a chronic rude b899h to me no matter how nice I was to her. After five years of this crummy treatment and trying to “turn the other cheek”, I made a New Year’s Resolution that I am done. I know that from time to time there will be contact because of mutual friends but I’ll say hi and leave it at that. I’ve already walked away from her once and she seemed pretty surprised that I told her I had to leave and walked away.
I know who I am and I suppose that is scary to a lot of people too because they don’t want to deal with the baggage inside themselves. Sometimes the scariest place we could go is inside our own minds.
Anyhow, it is interesting to see what a common experience this is. I had no idea how many people struggle with jealousy issues. Either their own or because they are insecure about someone else.
By the way, jealous, mean people will never feel sorry for you. They take great satisfaction in knowing someone they are jealous of is having a rough time. They are not sorry for that person, they are gloating. They see niceness as a weakness. So, I’ve had to change my paradigm on how I think about friendship and get really picky about who I’ll invest time in. A lot like dating and marriage I suppose.
Have a good Valentine’s Day. Keep in touch.
Plantperson
plantperson on February 14th, 2009 at 11:48 am | Link
what can I say,..
If jealous friends come to your life, it is because they want to be like you.. just wanna be like you.. everythings gonna be alright, dont worry be happy..
raya on February 15th, 2009 at 5:32 am | Link
Hi Everyone,
I’m so glad I found this website ~ I am sorry all of you have gone through the same thing, but it is nice to know that other people are going through the same things I am. All day today I felt like i had no true friends. I guess I couldn’t help it, because the other day my “so called friend” and I went to a childs birthday party and every time I started a conversation with her the talk always turned to “her” children. I feel like she is so jealous of my 1 (soon to be 2) year old daughter because she gets a lot of compliments from people, but I can’t help that - I also can’t help that maybe her children don’t. It’s such a shame. I felt like she was at least the one person I could count on to be a good friend, but ever since we had children she’s been so selfish.
Its true, people do let jealousy get a hold of them. I am not a conceited person, but I am confident, caring, nice, friendly, outgoing, and successful (gave up my job to be a stay at home Mom) and I just don’t see why some people get hung up on that. The friend I spoke about above has also made several comments to me about being a stay at home Mom too like:”what do you do all day”, “don’t you get bored” or the famous “I just have to go to work every day or I’d go nuts” ~ yes, this from the same person who several months back wished she could be a stay at home Mom and who also complained about her hubby not making enough money.
Oh, well, thanks for listening and I’m glad I got to read all your stories and vent a little - I feel better already
Linda on February 17th, 2009 at 10:47 pm | Link
Wow, I just found this tonight..and I sooooo needed it!! Thatnks to everyone who shared! I don’t feel so alone now. I feel like a few of my “friends” and even family members have been treating me differently the past year..ever since I graduated college, got an amazing boyfriend, and started acting happier (more positive) about things. I am a very compassionate person and I wondered how certain people could be treating me so bad..then it finally hit me that they were jealous.;.because the “bad” things they usually said were almost ALWAYS about things they did not have! Sad.
I want them to be happy too! For themselves- for their own lives! I don’t want them to feel jealous- it’s not a compliment to me at all! (Some people might say that) It only hurts them and me as well. It is becoming a lonely place though..not having anyone to really trust or rely on. But I am SO grateful to have God (he is my ultimate best friend) and my wonderful boyfriend who is my other ‘best friend’ 
Well, thanks again to everyone who shared..I guess we just have to remember to stay true to ourselves and stay positive no matter what.
Kelly on February 20th, 2009 at 1:16 am | Link
Wow! I am glad I found this little thread too. I haven’t read all of the posts, but I will post my own story, since it belongs on this board. I have a friend who is psychotically jealous of all of her friends (including me). She falsely believes that getting married and having a baby will bring her unending happiness. Each time one of our friends gets pregnant/engaged/married, she whines incessantly about how “everything just works out for everyone else.” It’s like she is forgetting that some of these people got knocked up and are now in miserable marriages, or people might be married but they are having affairs…and yet she still says they have everything she wants. She tried to force her ex-boyfriend to marry her–spent years trying to convince him to do it. Then he dumped her. Then she started dating (well actually being a f**k buddy to) another guy who told her numerous times that he did not want to get serious with her. Yet she continued to be delusional and think that they were on the road to marriage. So recently I met someone really wonderful. Things are definitely getting more serious and I am excited to have found someone who treats me like I am the most important person in his life. So…she dropped me like a hot potato. This is someone I’ve been extremely friends with for like 15 years. Before this new guy, I hadn’t had a date in an entire year, and she couldn’t find it in her heart to be happy that I found someone who has potential? All I can say is that if she can’t change her attitude, I hope she never calls me again!
Apple on March 4th, 2009 at 12:52 am | Link
WOW- I am so glad to find a board chatting about this. Like all the previous posters, I have come to the realization that so-called friends often want to change subject conversation due to jealousy. And I just don’t understand it. I never try to rub anything in. I listen well. I enjoy hearing other people’s opinions as well as my own. YET there always comes a point where it seems friends want to change course when we start discussing things that show references of my successes. Or they just offer no further input or discussion. They just say “yeah.” Why is that?? I’m not trying to rub anything in, I just want to hear some sort of opinion or feelings on the matter- but they offer nothing and either try to change course or just say “yeah” and then go quiet.
I’ve pretty much narrowed this down to jealousy. But why? Why cant a friend be happy over a dream I achieved or a goal I reached? Aren’t friends supposed to be happy for you?
It’s unfortunate that so many people are just so shallow. Makes me wonder if I ever had any “real” friends because so many people turn out to be disappointing.
JP on March 18th, 2009 at 2:05 pm | Link
It is so good to know that there are other people out there who have the same questions! I have always been a people-pleaser in that I put the needs of my friends and family before my own, spend 90% of discussions of the listening end and always went above and beyond to help people. A couple of years ago, I started dating a really great guy and naturally became a little less accessible to my friends (I am still very much there for all of them, just not above and beyond as I once was). When I got into a serious relationship, I realized there hadn’t been many activities we had done together outside or drinking or the pick up bar scene. I am at an age (25) where some of us are settling down while others are still actively on the bar scene. My friends constantly take little jabs at my “suburban lifestyle” and how I am old before my time because I have a dog and often prefer to go on long hikes, the dog park, etc. They constantly complain about how they “never see me anymore” even though I always come to them (in other words, they have never stepped foot in the [god awful] suburbs to see me). I have been placed on the “Do not call” list… even though I still make it out to see them at least once a week!
I guess I am just surprised that no one seems to notice or care that I am healthier and happier than I have ever been. When I was going through a tough time in life, my friends were there for me and were incredible supportive…. but now that I am happy, no one seems to want to share that with me! I am thriving in my career, feel better about myself, have a great boyfriend, yet I feel like I have to point out the negatives in my life in order for anyone to pay attention or relate to me. Whenever I share an accomplishment or happy experience, my friend ask probing negative questions to discredit the experience.
I recently go into a great graduate program, and when I casually told my friends about it a couple of nights ago, they said “cool, that is great news… so anyway…” but somehow looked incredibly disappointed while saying “congratulations”.
I feel so alone because I make such an effort to listen to people, point out the positive things in their lives and make them feel good about themselves, while emphasizing with both their happiness and sadness. Yet, I don’t feel that this kind of genuine interest in people is reciprocated at all.
Anyway, I still haven’t pinpointed what is going on with my friendships, but I hate the thought of giving up on people I have been so close too for so long
Green on March 19th, 2009 at 10:22 am | Link
Just to update any reading this thread, the phased out friend I spoke of earlier is still ignoring me. Since then, I’ve gone through a few deaths in the family, minor surgery, depression, writer’s block…you name it…and when I finally got a chance to sit down with another friend (who mutually knows the phased out friend) she was indeed shocked at my weight loss over the stress and depression of the past few months.
HOWEVER, I got not one single, solitary word of sympathy OR a hand reaching out to tell me it would be alright. There was no support from this other friend. Her answer was:
“Damn, I wish I could loose weight when I was depressed!” She then switched topics back to herself and children for the remainder of our visit.
I had thought to have been rid of the jealous friend, only to trade over to another.
Nice to know my weight loss and family loss is not enough to spurn her into at least faking being concerned for me. Not one word of sympathy, either. I’m not asking her to cry me a river over people she has never met, but is she SO jealous she can’t even throw me one bone? ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is too much to extend? I’m hurting here, and she can’t even pretend to care!!
Maybe I’ll just stop talking to everyone I know, as I am rapidly loosing faith and trust in those around me. Seriously! And don’t tell me that it didn’t occur to her to say those things to me. What is the first word out of your mouth when someone tells you that they had a death in the family? “I’m sorry”. Maybe I’ll go be a hermit….
Carrie on March 23rd, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Link
Thanks so much for starting this post. I was feeling bad today, like what’s wrong with me to have had so many people in my life that didn’t want me to do well. I came from a very diffiicult background but have just kept on keeping on, and I’m doing O.K. now. Not a dream life, or even close to what some people on here have described, but for me, pretty good. I am disgusted by the way so called friends have begrudged me my little successes, esp. since I was always genuinely happy for them.
I broke up with 2 of these “friends” this month, and I’ve been feeling alternately relieved and emotionally bruised, and the aforementioned “what’s wrong with me”
It does make me feel better to see so many tell the same stories. Thank you for sharing. I feel stronger already.
And Carrie-I have so been where you are right now. Please don’t let the stinkers win. Hang in there and focus on the things that give you happiness. I am sorry for your losses. There is nothing like losing a loved one. Peace and blessings to you, Sister.
Rocy on March 24th, 2009 at 10:17 pm | Link
Hi everyone!
I can’t believe that this is actually true. I have been feeling the same way. It seems all of my “good” friends became jealous of me ever since I started doing good in my life. I am very attentive and caring, but my best friend (whom I am no longer friends with) would never even care to listen to anything that was happening with me. She would stay silent on the phone and I sometimes felt like I was doing a monologue until I finally decided she is not worth talking to anymore. After all, friends should be happy for you when you are doing good. I am very nice and willing to meet new people, but I feel that when I offer to hang out or go for coffee, people just want to avoid me and never actually follow up on plans. I sometimes feel that it is my fault and I am doing something wrong, but then I realized that I am a much nicer person than a lot of other people and that girls just may be jealous of me and not want to make friends with me. I have gotten used to it by now and it does feel lonely sometimes as I don’t have a big family either and have no one really close to share things with, but I understand that the world can be lonely and if no one else loves you, you should always care about yourself and love yourself and be aware of people’s true intentions. I know a saying which goes something like “If you say you have many true friends, you are either lying or you don’t know what a true friend is”
Jenna on March 24th, 2009 at 10:50 pm | Link
I am wondering if many of you are in the Los Angeles area? I would be interested in starting a Meetup group for people who are doing well, happy in their lives, etc… I’m sure it would attract a diverse group of people happy in different fields, life styles, etc… well, it’s an idea
I joined a “happy” group in L.A. recently, but I found the leader to be not so happy and rather obviously sexist. Eek. That’s another story, men who are not happy specifically for women being happy and successful. A lot of these posts are about the bitchy friend-girls, but I have had my share of bitchy boyfriends, too. So if there are any out there who might like to start a group of men & women who are happy for both men and women to be happy, hit me back.
Rocy on March 25th, 2009 at 3:27 pm | Link
The tone of this post reminds me distinctly of an ex-friend of mine. Before I stopped talking to her, she had told me of a few friends she had lost here and there, or friends she would have fights with, and her excuse was always that they were jealous of her. In one instance, I knew the woman she was having the fight with, and I can assure you that woman was not jealous, nor had any reason to be. This ex-friend seemed incapable of acknowledging other people might be just as happy as her. In my case, she would often greet me by asking “what’s wrong?”, and regularly treat me as though I *should* be jealous of her. In the end, I was too insulted to want to be friends with her anymore. I understand it is possible to have trouble making friends when you are successful and happy, and that some people out there are genuinely jealous people, but there are also instances where people preemptively ruin a friendship by assuming the people around them are jealous. I know I’m playing the devil’s advocate, but it is important to think about what you say and why you say it, and make sure you are not trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously feeling like you are better than them.
Anna on March 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm | Link
If you talk in person the way you talk online (’We have soooo much money! I’m sooooo nice! My life is sooooo perfect!’) it’s no wonder people get tired of you.
Rachel on March 25th, 2009 at 9:42 pm | Link
in my case,the frenemy is a person I had cut off in the past,because her jealousy of me was getting downright psychotic,with her showing up at my jobs and copying my clothes/mannerisms and stalking me,she also will stalk guys you date and its always an “accident” when she bumps into him. She also visits psychics in hopes they will tell her about the “suffering” others will go through,and revels in this. She really thinks this is funny,not realizing how sad she really is. I no longer tell her personal info because it will either make her mad if its good news,or happy if its not. I even question if we are friends at all. It seems like we are twenty percent out of a hundred,with us only writing to each other out of boredom and sharing a history of being friends in jr high/high school. I feel that I have outgrown her mentally,and get sick of her weird spying on people and hoping they suffer in life. Shes not ugly,shesvery attractive but still wishes she could look like me which is weird because Im kind of chubby
fedup on April 14th, 2009 at 10:47 pm | Link
Hi everyone I have just read all the posts and they have given me a tremendous sense of relief as I also have a friend who I am now pretty much convinced is jealous of me, this woman manipulated two, 7 yr old boys one of which is my nephew to be rude and abusive towards me, this was yesturday and I have been hurt and thinking about why she would do something so nasty all nite. The problem is since doing a diploma I know that I have changed alot, that isnt to say I didnt have this happen to me befour it is just amplified even more now, It is a scary thing to cut of longstanding frienships and basically be on my own but I think the time in nigh, the worst thing for me is how drained I feel after a jealous attack, it cant be healthy to absorb someone elses negativity on a regular basic,
Jenny on April 19th, 2009 at 2:37 am | Link
I have the same problem. A jealous person is a dangerous person, they may work to distroy your job or relationships. I have some good luck by limiting the amount of information you give to these people about the good things in your life, and make sure you tell them stories about struggles that you have, In short let them know you also are having troubles in life, they will be less hate jealous of you.
Good luck
Jon Anderson on April 25th, 2009 at 6:25 am | Link
I just so happened to stumble across this site and am happy I did. So many of you have gone through situations of friends being jealous of you that I am reading all of these entries and crying!! (Tears of happiness, of knowing I am not alone!!) My friend of over 10 years always tries to put me down, she constantly brags, talks about herself, and tries to make me jealous. I am a listener, never show off or brag, and care about others more than I care about myself. For the past few months, I have been so convinced that I was the one with the problem, but I have slowly begun to realize that she is jealous of me!! I am shocked by this, but am learning that she is not happy with herself and is a very insecure person. I have done nothing wrong and it is not me. The lesson here is that you have to care about *you* first and then everyone else. I feel bad because I spent so much time obsessing over her and trying to figure out how to help her that I ignored my own needs. But this is a learning lesson and I’m building up my confidence and (trying) to not let her comments get to me so much.
Marie on May 1st, 2009 at 10:39 pm | Link
Wow I feel duplicated by everyone. I could write a book on the stories
of the many friends who lost control of their inner green monster towards me. some of those stoies ..in my lifes journey…are mind boggling. I love people, I love to help, nurture, heal, listen, and feel for them. Ive been told Im a sanguine. Yes many have done more than taken advantage of me. It is very unfortunate that the bulk of these friends are from church (go figure) and the most damage to my spirit & emotions was done by the leader of the pack… the pastor. Yes he was extremely jealous of my husband & I. He controled & manipulated everything in our lives (we thought we were doing unto God) (little did we know) long story short we were spiritually abused for many years.Today he still reigns and many are still under his control & insecurities. Those who see the truth and leave are never the same but are greatful to be out. Its been 8 years and I have to say money cant buy a lesson like that. since then Ive had a friend for 7yrs that was my daughters teacher & school director. She was great with the kids. I knew (my friend) had a rough childhood but I wasnt afraid to love her through any bumps that might come up. after a few bumps here & there, her goose was cooked when I realized she attempted to sabotage my daughters career, not just once but twice!
You will know when the green monster strikes, it gives you this uneasy feeling in your gut. Its the feeling I used to get when I was almost deathly affraid, you know the kind of fear you get in your belly as a child. Your heart rate even goes up to boot! it feels like an evil presence, like witchcrafty spellish stuff, stirrs up your emotions, leaves you with an air of confusion… yeah thats the green monster
jealosy! Yes its ulgy, nasty,and can be devistating, dont we all know. It comes from its realitive ‘fear’ and lives with emotion. I believe its from hell. But we all have been given a measure of it. I would say we at least know how to handle our own emotions and put the green monster to bed permanetly because we are generally happy for others sucesses. I really can only speak for myself but I get excited/touched to see happiness, sucess & dreams fufilled in others lives! and If I could be of any help to get them to the top, Im there for them. So getting back to what jealousy has done, it has opened up my eyes a lot wider and my ears are clearer around people. Trust has been shaken but not shattered. I refuse to let those insecure people effect me negitively. I do pray for them and forgive them. Im moving on. Its a new Day, many people too meet & love in my journey.
bye - bye green monster you are under my feet!
Blessings to all of You!
Anne on May 6th, 2009 at 10:47 pm | Link
I too have had the problem of not ‘fitting in with the girls’ as far back as I can remember in school. I was never a groupie type of girl, more tomboyish and never had the need to follow. Looking back I was awkward with all the girlie things ie hair, clothes makeup etc none of those things were important to me. We didnt have the money to buy the ‘in’ clothes. but I always seemed to be within arms reach of the ‘in’ crowd. I always kept a distance from people. I was always nice but never confided much never had those ‘intimate friendship’ with the other girls, and I was not invited to have those friendships. I was the one on the fringes …. my choice?? their choice??? I believe i am nice considerate to others but am confident of myself, I enjoy my own company, I am funny I am pretty and thin I can do about anything or figure it out I am a project type person etc. I believe these traits are the same ones that may attract ‘friends’ but soon push them away. I have been told several times thru the years ‘you always land on my feet, don’t you’ and they dont seem to be really happy for me for all my accomplishments–the ones they may be aware of. I dont brag, it is very rare that I do tell people things, I am now 50 and I find women at work are still ‘turning on me’ after only a few months. they are impressed at my skills, knowledge, intellegence etc but then verbally attack me within months. eventhough I may understand that it is not all my doing to upset these women and that I may not have any friends, my feelings are hurt and I am lonely. telling people to just be yourself etc etc doesnt change the fact that ‘we’ are still having our feelings hurt and are lonely and many times blaming ourselves. One of the things that I doing is limiting any time with people who treat me badly. Or removing them from my life completely. hoping for a friend is better then being mistreated by a ‘friend’. my two cents
Morgan on May 13th, 2009 at 6:03 am | Link
I can totally relate & agree 100 per cent!
Thanks for sharing your experiance & wisdom.
Wishing You & All who shared A Great Day & Life in who You are.
Thank You for being so uniquely You.
The world is a better place because of true good hearted people that care and not let being a victim of someones insecurities ruin who you are.
Using wisdom & good judgement to move forward in your life.
Kudos & Hats off to you Morgan!
Anne on May 13th, 2009 at 7:36 am | Link
People use the term “jealous” to loosely.
To want happiness (semblance of a cohesive life) when a friend has all of that (and your own life is in shambles) is not “coveting their lives.”
I think “jealousy” is for lack of a better word.
I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.
That doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an unhappy one.
C on June 5th, 2009 at 2:38 pm | Link
Morgan:
I totally get it. It also seems from a young age, I’ve had problems with jealous girls and women through the years. They are so angry at a woman who is competent and has confidence.
People are going to be jealous no matter what. I think many of them even see being nice as a weakness. I am so puzzled by all the pettiness I see in people. I don’t feel the need to belittle or cut other people down because of good things happening in their lives. There is such a bitter root that sits in so many women. Just angry at where they are in their lives. I often wonder if true friendship is a myth or do people just fake friendship so they have someone to call a “friend”? Write back when you have time. Thanks.
Plantperson
plantperson on June 7th, 2009 at 9:19 pm | Link
True friendship is not a myth. It is a matter of the heart.
sadly there are many people who are very self centered
and in denial about themselves.
Being self centered is not only toxic to everyone around you but is
toxic to yourself.
Self centered people have the slightest idea on how to rid themselves of the toxins that are within their heart nor do most of them care.
Selfless people are much more trustworthy friends.To be sure, you have to look at their lives on how they treat their families & friends and even new people they encounter.
This can take time however as any relationship does. In most healthy relationships there needs to be a balance of love & trust in a true friendship. So many of us are attracted by certian bonds that we share like things we can relate to, but in time ones true self will be exposed so be wize & kind.
There are many levels of friends in our lives but the closest ones to our hearts are truely those of good character, those that are selfless.
As all flawed as we are, we need to just love & forgive and pray for those who need our prayers the most.
Anne on June 8th, 2009 at 4:09 am | Link
Morgan:
Friendship is not a myth, but many people don’t seem to share the same ideals of what friendship should be. That’s where I’ve run into problems.
The comment from June 5th from “C” was startling:
“I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.”
At a point where “C” should be turning to that friend for support and guidance because she’s falling off of that cliff, she “can’t be bothered”. Seeing that a friend has it together, and is stable, should be a beacon for “C” to gravitate towards, to give anchor to her instable situation. That is what friends are for. But people like “C” can’t be bothered. This is how my toxic friends react to me. This is how a toxic friend thinks. If they can’t get something from you, or if they have to give something to you (like reciprocating friendship) they give up and can’t be bothered, because their life is about THEM, not about YOU.
They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them.
Anne is right; how they treat their family is a good indicator of how they’ll treat you. And, sure, you can pray for them, but don’t feel bad about separating yourself from these people. You can feel bad for someone without having to sacrifice yourself to try and fix this toxic jealous person. They do NOT want to be fixed! Their life IS being toxic and jealous! If they were selfless and nice, their world as they know it would implode! Pray from a safe distance!!
Carrie on June 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am | Link
I was glad to read this as well since I have been going through precisely the same thing. (Two of my only long-term female friends both died last year and it’s been such a lonely time.)
I am a lot like the original poster in terms of the fact that I had a difficult childhood and a question occurs to me: You say your house was broken and underprivileged? May I ask if there was love in it?
The reason I ask is that lately I wonder if my pattern of attracting jealous friends is due to the fact that I had a jealous mother who was very abusive, mean and undermining.
Sometimes, I do feel that my behaviors inspire jealousy and that I am contributing to the problem.
For instance, I have a tendency to underplay my abilities for a long time and then all of a sudden, after I’ve spent months building someone up, I demand that pats on the back are reciprocated.
I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous.
I am not suggesting I am better than anyone. Jeez! I can almost hear Mom’s voice saying, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I am explaining that I purposely put myself in a position where I might target jealousy - almost as if to “relive” that pattern. I believe also, that deep feelings of inferiority and a fear of excelling past my mom have made it hard for me to be in more demanding occupations and even in relationships with better men. I know that I feel inadequate.
The long and short of it is - Original poster: do you think you are attracting the wrong friends in the first place by playing small and/or overlooking bad behaviors? Do you think that you might trace this back to some of your childhood experiences? Just food for thought.
To the rest of ya’s: thanks for letting me pour it all out here!
Mattie on June 10th, 2009 at 7:06 pm | Link
Mattie Thank you for sharing. That was very insightful and Im sure we can all relate in some capacity from our childhood.
Your comment was certianly food for thought!
Anne on June 11th, 2009 at 8:35 am | Link
I have a ‘friend’ who I feel I am losing and I’m kinda grieving over what seems to be a friendship I’m losing. She can be VERY passive-aggressive and that makes me feel unsafe around her although she can also be incredibly nice and we have a lot in common.
I met up with her one evening, along with my husband at a gathering. She was the only person there that my hubbie and I already knew. My hubbie and I started talking to a few people around us and got chatting. She came up and it was nice to see her but I was feeling unwell that day and felt increasingly tired.
The swine flu had been scaring some people and I had just come back from a work-related trip to a country that doesn’t have as good hygiene as the country I live in. I knew this ‘friend’ was jealous of me as I have had a number of really good things happen in my life in the last year (although had some awful struggles too) but I could almost not believe what she said!
She knew I wasn’t feeling well and we joked about the swine flu and then she commented about a particularly virulent strain she’d heard of in the country I’d just come back from - don’t know where she heard that from because I never heard of it on the news, in the papers and to this day, I haven’t heard of it either!! In fact swine flu has been worse here than in that country.
This might sound like I’m overthinking this but if you were there, you’d know, it really was like she was wanting me to be suffering from ‘that’ particularly bad strain of swine flu!!
And I honestly felt like she had almost spat that comment out right in my face. I was shocked that she wanted something that bad for me and also the way she was communicating it! I knew she was jealous but thatbad?? I often think of what I want to say after the event but this time, I decided, ‘I’m going to say something,’ so I remarked that the country I’d returned from hadn’t had many cases, only one or two isolated ones…which was mild when someone’s basically wished swine flu on you but again I was surprised!
Instead of backing up her argument like she’d read it in Time magazine or something, her face just dropped…!! Why would someone’s face drop over hearing something so matter-of-fact as that! If I’d heard that swine flu was affecting people particularly badly in a country and someone disputed that, I’d not just back down on something I knew was a fact. It was like she was trying it on and then saw she couldn’t get away with it.
My goodness! That really showed her real feelings…later that evening, the lucky draw took place and there was just the one prize of a bottle of wine. I couldn’t believe it - I won!! I thought she might have left by that time because she had said earlier on that she was leaving. But I found out she was still there. After the jealousy she had shown earlier in the evening, I was concerned winning the prize wasn’t going to help matters but I was also kinda glad she could see good things were going to continue happening to me, whether she could be happy for me or not!
She later invited me to a couple of events via Facebook and I would normally thank her and say whether I was going or not. This time, I completely ignored them - they weren’t just invitations to me, they were to a few of her friends, me included and I notice people don’t always feel they have to reply to such invites, so it wasn’t that impolite. Then I bumped in to her one evening, by chance.
She was on her phone and although I didn’t want to and felt fake for doing it, I squeezed her shoulder and said ‘hi’, then turned in the direction I was already going, then turned back to be polite and then made an obvious point of turning around again and going on my way.
I thought that she’d have thought I was rude but she was talking on the phone and didn’t choose to interrupt the conversation to quickly say hello to me or to say we’d catch up later. I wanted to show her that I was confident enough in myself and didn’t really need her to stop and talk to me or anything…if she wasn’t going to treat me right, I could do without her! Truth is deep down I was upset at the true colours she’d shown.
She’s always making comments on FB, 9 times out of 10 anyway, about how life is going well for her and she sounds happy and like lots of good things are happening for her so why be so unhappy for me!! She knows about some of the awful struggles I’ve had in my life, and just how long I had to wait BEFORE things turned out well for me. I am only just starting to really reap the sorts of blessings that most of my friends have enjoyed for ages!! I feel like it’s my time and I’m going to enjoy it!
Normally I’d hear something from her after a chance meeting like the one we had but I heard nothing. Not staying true to myself, I messaged her and made a comment about her new apartment, about which she’d posted pictures on FB and about bumping in to each other but surprise, surprise, NO answer! I guess I just don’t want to lose her but I’m really wondering whether I should bother!
EW on June 11th, 2009 at 9:22 am | Link
Hi Anne - I am glad you appreciated the post. As I read some of the other stories here, I am inclined to think that another problem may be that our culture doesn’t really encourage women to speak positively about their own accomplishments and attributes. Recently, I was reading a favorite advice column and I realized that whenever a female letter writer described herself as “attractive” or intelligent, that there was an overload of comments calling her conceited and obnoxious. Many commenters - both men and women - insinuated that other people’s dislike of the advice seeker was her fault. In other words, “play yourself down and then people will like you.”
Two things occur - yes, some women do brag to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity. And when women brag - particularly about the reactions men have to them - they reveal an unfortunate cultural bias: “the attention of men is an all-important cultural indicator of acceptance and goodness.”
Those of us who are mothers have a golden opportunity to educate our daughters to have self-respect that comes from within and outside of the male gaze. We can also teach our boys that it’s important for a woman to feel good about herself and her accomplishments and that self-love in a female does not make her conceited or a “bitch.”
Mattie on June 11th, 2009 at 9:43 am | Link
Mattie-
I’m smart, but…you are so articulate and well-spoken! Are you an author? An attorney? A psychologist? I, for one, am proud and happy to know other women who are intelligent, talented, strong, etc… A man pointed out to me many years ago that women will never get anywhere until they start banding together. Every other group of people sticks, stands up or fights together- though to be fair, women are set up to work against each other in our society by society and men, (and other women). That said, I have also been shocked in my life by boyfriends being jealous of my happiness or accomplishments. When one of my boyfriends had a success or accolade, I felt proud of him. When I accomplished something, the bf’s were often more spiteful than the women in my life.
I’ll be waiting for your book to come out, Mattie.
P.S. I still think all of us happy, well-meaning people should form a group!
Rocy on June 11th, 2009 at 11:43 am | Link
I have to say I just so love this thread!! I started tonight looking up stuff on stealing because I was trying to figure out what is up with this girl who has stolen my wallet & (really cool) mug while at school. She will dress like me and makes comments about my sons in reference to wanting children. We go to grad school together- I am middle aged, divorced, rebuilding my life, changing careers, poor while doing this person- She is in her twenties with her whole life before her, beautiful, doing something she’s chosen and if she wanted to get married & have kids then she could do that!? Very strange. It dawned on me that perhaps she is jealous- Then I have to ask why? Why are all these peole jealous? I had one other incident with a neighbor that was similar. Often people will dress like me or “copy” my decorating ideas and if they are secure they acknowledge it- I’m usually excited for them- I frequently feel that for some reason people are intimidated by me or are jealous & do not think I should be or want me to be happy. I saw this with my divorce- like I should just give up (because they would?) I have had great friendships with people who are as secure as I am, but around anyone else- and definitely insecure men forget it. I too had all the stay at home mom negativity, when i was at home & when I worked I had a boss finally burst out one day ” You always seem to know what you want and some of us don’t” - Just because I’m “strong” & I know what I want and what I like doesn’t mean I don’t need people or friends- I do not think I have a great life by any means, but I do the best I can with what I have, stay positive, keep going forward, enjoy what I like, compliment others- no malice–I’m not unhappy- I define me, my value and worth are not based in my looks, accomplishments or anything in particular necessarily- I just go along doing the best I can, no arrogance and try to be kind-Why all the grief? We could call it the “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” and happy group
Julie on June 12th, 2009 at 11:03 pm | Link
Wow - Rocy! You really made my day! Thank you so much!!
I am a writer but have not published any books – yet! I do want to write a book and it’s been a lifetime goal. (Just finishing up a long, dragged out Masters’ Degree at the moment.) I have a bit of formal background in psychology but mainly, I’ve learned from reading on my own.
You bring up a really good point about jealousy not being limited to women. Rocy, do you think you might be attracted to men who need you to be “less than?” Sometimes the clues are really subtle. You might find, for instance, that you are attracted to “diamonds in the rough” or men who are achievers but who only gauge their success based on societal pointers – traditional markers like earnings, height, looks, etc..
The poster above, Julie, mentions that people get frustrated with her because she knows what she wants. I think that that situation sort of illustrates my point. It’s that strength within the self that ticks people off, since most people are looking outside for validation. The thing is, if you are self-accepting, you always have enough love left over to give to others. “The universe has plenty of room for billions of stars.”
I’m certainly not suggesting that any person is immune to wanting outside acceptance. In fact, I think that some of us “jealousy targets” may be playing different sides of the same coin.
In an earlier post, I asked the OP if she grew up in a house where there was love, since I truly believe that those of us who were pushed down by our own parents are more likely to attract people who want to keep us in our places. Rocy, I am not sure if you share a similar family legacy but I would venture to say that perhaps somewhere early on, you were more encouraged to be a supporter rather than a person who should shine in her own right. (I think a lot of people are conditioned this way – not just women.)
From early on, we get the message that validation comes from acts we perform for others. (I personally learned that I would only get love by staying small and feeding my mom’s black hole of an ego. In my own case, I transferred that to my relationships for years, always feeling uncomfortable if I expressed happiness or a satisfaction with my work, etc.)
While those who are jealous believe that the world withholds its love because they are “less than,” we “jealousy targets” might just believe that the world will withhold love if we are “more than” or worse – just ourselves.
Why would a person attract someone who makes her feel bad about her success if she didn’t want to deter herself from success in some way? Perhaps to some of us, the consequences of success are too dire – a loss of that primary acceptance.
In the meantime, nothing makes me feel worse than caving in and being fake to accommodate someone else’s insecurities, because on some level I know that I am still not fully accepting myself.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned not to take the jealousy too personally. Sometimes I see that person as a little kid who really feels slighted, left out and less than. And then I can relate as well to being the kid who is proud – “look at my pretty drawing!” in one moment, and reduced to pain in the next when she receives an indifferent or unkind response.
I am not religious, but when I feel I’ve been targeted unfairly, I’ll sometimes just sit down and pray or meditate. I ask (God, Higher Self, Universe) to keep me on track. Am I being truthful to myself? Am I trying not to hurt others while not compromising myself? It’s not a matter of ego to me but a matter of accepting my true self – a relationship that I frankly have to work on every day.
Sometimes, it’s really, really lonely – and that is something I am picking up from many of the posts. I do think it would be good to start some kind of group! I’ll be the first to post my email. If anyone wants to contact me, I’d love to connect. In the meantime, let’s keep this post going. I think all of your stories are fascinating! ciaomattea@yahoo.com
Mattie on June 13th, 2009 at 12:05 pm | Link
Mattie-
I am so glad I made your day!
My thoughts on “attracting” jealous friends: I’m all about taking responsibility for who we attract into our lives, but in this case I think it’s more a case of naivete. What I mean is, the people who are jealous of you or me are jealous of lots of people. It’s not personal. This is their problem. You and I are just naive about recognizing it or thinking it is so rare because we are not that way. Now the jealous guy thing-I think that is possibly more of a societal gender issue-guys wanting the woman under his thumb or not outshining him. But the women who were jealous of me-yes, I probably had certain characteristics that they envied, but if I looked closely, they were snipey and jealous of lots of people. With the healing or correcting I’ve done from my childhood-yes, I came from an un-loving home, and a slightly jealous mother, but it was the much older, domineering sister who ran the whole family who was toxically jealous, competitive, thieving of my ideas, qualities, etc., and yes, I’ve had a lot of those women in my life and thought it was something wrong with me that my own friends didn’t want me to be happy, but now I think it was a mistake to take it personally which led to the mistake of putting up with it. What I am doing now is identifying it sooner and speaking up about it (in other words, don’t “play” naive). Speaking up sometimes ends the relationship, but not always-(also, people rarely admit to their jealous behavior). Is that maybe where the real dishonesty on our part is?- that we are afraid if we speak up the relationship will be over? Is that where the real self love needs to come in-why are we tip-toeing around to preserve a friendship with someone who is spiteful, and if you can’t speak your true feelings to the person, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway. Sounds more like a hostage situation! Oh, the jealous sister would go nuclear ballistic if anyone ever spoke up to her, so yes, I was trained to NOT speak up. So that speaks to the manipulation techniques of the jealous person. Also, I had a dad who hated women and was threatened by them…agghh. But my main life-lesson has been about just that-speaking up for myself, quickly, thouroughly, directly, honestly. I’ve been working on it for years, and am making progress
Rocy on June 14th, 2009 at 11:29 am | Link
Rocy,
Thank You for your words of wisdom. It was very insightful & helpfull
to share your experiance.
I have found that when I spoke up to the friend that was jealous
they would be defensive & in denial.
But your absolutely right, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway?
Its just not a healthy balence for life period. So get healthy and weed out or fade out friends that are toxic to your well being.
If they are not willing to admit the truth, take a good look within and make a step to change, it certianly makes sense to move on with out that friendship.
Best of Luck to You & Everyone
Anne on June 14th, 2009 at 12:35 pm | Link
All really good points- Why put up with it?? I always thought being kind and building the person up about their success was “nicer” than pointing out jealousy/rudeness- but nicer doesn’t make the point and they are still jealous- it is their problem. I am reading a book that discusses authority and dependency- according to this guy good authority figures are responsible for the quality of the relationship with those they have authority over- it is their responsibility to “handle” things. Bad authority figures blame those in a depepndent position and cause the dependents to feel responsible for the quality of the relationship– if the dependents would only “do”this or that things would be better, so dependents work and work for acceptance when all along it is the good authoirty’s responsibility to support and maintain the relationship with unconditional love- the dependent is only supposed to choose to cooperate– so maybe what is happening is we are all just coming up with our own ways of dealing with bad authority- some of us provide our own self support while expecting to be mistreated and “blamed” in some way- whiel other jealous people keep trying to “steal” the spotlight so that bad authority (parents, teachers, bosses, ect.) will notice them. Just a thought.
Julie on June 14th, 2009 at 12:47 pm | Link
Hi Julie,
Thank you for sharing, you have some interesting points.
I have been friends with some of these jealous people for many years and have been more than kind & building them up, but you know there comes a time when you wake up and say enough. Its time to examine what is true friendship is and is not. Understanably everyones situation is different and I realize people are in your life for a reason so that you both can hopefully grow, but I dont see a healthy balance of growing in a any toxic relationship. Believe me I wish them well & pray for them but they know I have set up my boundries either in our comunications or lack of anymore. Hey and I have run into one or two of them years later with a loving hug & how are you but I keep my distance as far as how it used to be. So you can stil love someone from a distance but you dont have to like them or what they do.
Anne on June 14th, 2009 at 2:18 pm | Link
Great comments!
I love how this thread has evolved from us venting our hurts over these situations to how to deal with situations in a proactive, positive, healthy way. A perfect model for healing-vent then do.
Julie-please post the name of the “authority/dpendency” book you are reading. It perfectly fits a situation in my life right now! My neice, the authority, is blaming her 8 yr old boy for being verbally abusive, and blaming her 16 yr old son for feeling he is so worthless he tried to commit suicide last week, when duh, they both learned abuse and worthlessness from her.
And yes, Anne and Julie, I agree, that sort of childhood situation sets us up to forever chase after approval from those who will NEVER give us approval!!! Here is to all of us freeing ourselves from that impossible quest. I approve of myself!
Rocy on June 14th, 2009 at 2:50 pm | Link
Wow, everyone is here today. Rocy, thanks for your reply. I would have to agree with you on the naive part - but only halfway in my case. I think I do attract these types and they are there for reasons which relate to my own self-sabotage. Regardless of the reasons or childhood issues, however - you are dead on to say that it all comes down to learning to speak up.
On the naive part - yes, it has kicked me in the backside and recently too. I made a new friend, it was fun, we had a great time and lots of great conversations - but the first time we were in the company of a heterosexual man, she became a python! I did not see it coming and it really sent me reeling, which is how I ended up on this website. I felt extremely betrayed and yes, guilty because I thought I caused it. (Maybe I should have worn a burlap sack to the event? Ha ha.)
Question: Has anyone here ever felt that her girlfriends were relying on her in the same way a person should rely on a lover? This even happens with females I know who have mates. It’s almost as if they expect their girlfriends to pick up the emotional slack that their boyfriends cannot. By the way, ladies, I am no spring chicken, so I am not talking about college girls. I think that these sorts of investments always get too heavy and often end up playing themselves out in subtle games of competition.
I will say that in my case, that I am making very few female friends as I get older and that saddens me. (As I mentioned earlier, my two best pals both passed away last year - they were both fabulous, smart and funny women.) In this last year, my best sources of support have been men - my brother, my ex boyfriend and a co-worker from years ago.
I agree with Anne that maybe jealousy is just too tough for most people to admit to. I’ve tried to gently confront friends but it’s never turned out prettily. Jealousy doesn’t make a person a horrible monster, but human. If your friend could say, “Hey, it makes me feel really crappy when….” and just be out with it, then perhaps the power behind it would dissipate.
Mattie on June 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm | Link
I also don’t think it works out well when you confront jealousy or envy with someone…no one seems to really want to admit to it. Few, very few friendships seem to be able to take such a conversation which seems to leave some feeling like they don’t have manny really good friendships afterall…but maybe expecting others to be more secure when they’re not, just doesn’t work.
I know someone who was very needy and I tried very hard to be there for her, build her up, guide her in the right direction. Just last Saturday she came back from a trip, called me up saying she really missed me, (kept saying it) and saying she wanted to meet and chat for a long time…I could hear in her voice, there was some agenda in the wanting to chat for a LONG time…
Well, I can tell you most of that conversation was about how she’s so happy in her life now and wants to be really good to herself, (not new story but she’s just more in to it now,) and what her plans are to really fly! I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she was eyeballing me like I really want you to know this.
I listened and she talked about the best friend she was on this trip with, competing with her over looks and men and how the ‘best friend’ said that she needed this ‘friend’ of mine when out clubbing, because she was like her leaf to the flower that she was! So I understood my ‘friend’s’ hurt and I advised her that her ‘best friend’ was competing with her, which she admitted to. So much for a best friend!
Well, same thing she was doing with me which I addressed by using this example of her ‘best friend’ and saying I thought this sort of thing was immature, a little bit is human and comes from people when they feel insecure or having a bad day but when there’s a pattern of it, (like with her,) I get bored of it!!
She got the message and admitted she was competitive but tries not to be and how I made her feel better for addressing the issue and shoring her up, (again!) when it comes to handling this ‘best friend’ of hers…so perhaps in this situation addressing envy had some positive result but the thing is I feel deep-down, she does have a very good side to her but I think she’s just too insecure and competitive to not want to rub in my face, all her future accomplishments. I think SHE needs it and she’d be this way with anyone who she perceives to have it better than her.
I also despair of finding many real female friends too…I’ve only just started having it better in life and I know many friends have genuinely shared in my joy but it’s like they can’t handle it for long…I know so well what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence and heck, my life has some big problems in it still, if only they knew…I shared with my friend the principle of a scarcity mentality or an abundance mentality…I hope that will make a difference.
Can I ask a question? How many of you have tried addressing the envy or jealousy issue with a ‘friend’ and found the exchange has been less-than-positive? Seriously, if you’ve been on the envying side, haven’t you found that the woman you admire has just gloated or acted smug (while saying all the right things!) And if you’ve been on the envied side, haven’t you found the other woman would rather have lost a limb than owned up to it? How many female friendships do you think are genuine and how many just an unspoken, quiet little competition going on all the time? So much drama…the innocence of childhood appeals, it really does…
EW on June 14th, 2009 at 9:46 pm | Link
Thanks for sharing EW.
Im sure you all know that we women are emotional by nature, some are more so than others. Usually women see the details and men see the headlines.
Childhood, enviorement, genes, diet, additude, hormones and more contribute to the emotional instability women deal with. this emotional instability causes the reaction we call ‘Drama’.
We as women need to learn how to control our emotional issues.
Our temopary emotional issues can sometimes cross over into some of our passions which can either be great if you are an artist (on one hand) or be a horrible mess if you lose control over a subject that upsets you. If you already have a mental illness issue on top of this jeez good luck!
Jealousy is an additude that displays itself through emotion. When your able to look at the big picture and then look within yourself, you will see just how ulgy jealousy is. Why would anyone want to own it? Is it because they feel its a part of them and its their right to express? but yet when most are confronted, they have some denial excuse to hide the ulgy thing.
I really try to put myself in others shoes to understand them but I feel some women need to step outside their own shoes and take a good look and want to be a better person without competition or envy.
I mean is it really that hard for most? I mean when I ever had an an issue to deal with being jealous of anyone, I would think about it and realize, hey are you feeling jealous? then I would say to myself how stupid is that ? If Im happy in my own shoes why cant I be happy for the person? Someone is always going to have more than you and more than that person and more than the next. Its just so petty, such a waste of time & energy.
And if jealousy is not properly delt with it turns into bitterness and eventually can cause physical illness & disease. Why on earth would anyone want to hold onto jealousy? Yulk! Why cant people just love & appreciate eachother no matter what they have?
Anne on June 15th, 2009 at 7:38 am | Link
Thank you everyone for your stories. I’ve felt so hopeless lately with my “friends”. All through high school, my group of “best friends” would constantly put me down, and I never understood it. I’m not conceded, but I know I’ve been a good friend to them all - I’m a good listener, I’m caring and compassionate. It’s boggled my mind for years why people were never nice back!
I mean…I guess it’s jealousy. I even hate to say people are jealous of me - it feels weird. Bleh. I just don’t see what there is be jealous about! I mean, like everyone else that posted, I am outgoing, successful, and a happy person. But I don’t understand why that would make people WANT to be mean!
I’m a junior in college now, and I dread coming home to see these same high school “friends”. They still bring up high school situations to make me feel like **** - they call me fat, thunder thighs, comment on my clothes, make fun of things in the past that really, really hurt me. Sometimes they don’t even acknowledge me. I’ll say something trying to lighten the mood (because they are angry and irritable around me), and they just look at me and roll their eyes. WHY???
I’m so happy when I’m at college. I have goals, I have fun, and most importantly, I finally met people that are NICE to me and that actually CARE about me. It just really made me see how nasty these “old friends” truly are. I have finally started standing up for myself, and I’m cutting out the people that have put me down so much over the last 6 years of my life.
But now I’m so lonely. I stay home every night, and I can tell I’m slowly getting depressed again like I was in high school. I know I’m better than this, and I deserve to be treated better! I don’t want them to know they have gotten to me because it only makes them happier.
Why do people have to be so hateful? How can hurting someone else make them feel so good? I just don’t get it…
clare on June 20th, 2009 at 8:57 pm | Link
A woman was so jealous of me that she tried to hurt me. She ’s always told me that she was jealous of me because everyone likes me and that I was strong and she wished to be like me. I’ve always dismissed her comments as being funny. Then, one day, she did the unthinkable. All of my life, I continued to encounter people who are jealous and envious of me and want to be like me. I now pick my friends very carefully. Be careful of jealous people in your life. They can hurt you and they will. Jealousy is the worst kind of emotions and can push the wrong person to violent behaviours.
lili dauphin on June 21st, 2009 at 5:21 pm | Link
~ In jealousy there is more of self-love than love. ~
~ A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. ~
~ Jealous people poison their own banquet and then eat it ~
~ Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. ~
AK on June 23rd, 2009 at 9:10 pm | Link
I totally agree with you. I have never been jealous of anyone in my entire life and I don’t even know what it feel like to be jealous. In fact, whenever someone accomplishes something good, I find myself so happy for them that I can’t even contend myself.
This is so true, am having to deal with the same problems everyday, am from a broken home with no love or affection been shown, so as a result I always been a loner, as years goes by I figure that it would change but how wrong I was. Am hardworking,independent,ambitious and also have a clear sense of direction as to where am going. I am from a poor family background so I decided not to live a poor life, so I take my life in my own hand with the help of God and He blesses me with things I never even dreamed of.
My friends are from a better background and have privilages that I could only hope for but yet they do nothing with their lives. I try talking to them and encourages them but it falls on deaf ears, all they are doing is sitting back and trying to run my race in life, each time they made an accomplishment am happy for them, I get myself a job never buy expensive clothes because I neede a house so I have to save for that, now that I acheive it they are all acting funny, although some of them I refuse from telling.
I bought my self a new car and didn’t tell them, so they are upset with me, the reason I didn’t let them know because I know their reaction, am so proud of my acheivements because I did it all on my own without any help from absolutely no one apart from Gods help, so for now I take my own time and prunning them out of my life. When am going out I get in my car a go out all on my own.
Even one of my sister stop talking to me because of what I acheived, I never put it in anybody’s face because am not that sort of person, I take great pleasure in seeing people acheive things in life, not to mention in difficult circumstances, Why cant they be happy for me? Any one needs help or need someone to talk to they can come to me at any given times, I also take pleasure in imparting good advise and encouragement to people who needs it.
One thing am happy for and is that am a very strong person who love and care for others but I also learn to be my own friend and get on with life and do my thing irrespective of the critisisms that am getting. Am sorry to say but I do not have any true friends, and another thing that I learn in life is that, PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE IN LIFE ARE THE ONES YOU SHOULD BE VERY CAREFUL OF.
When any of my friends or even people that are not close to me accomplish any thing, am one of the most happiest person in the world, I felt like its me who has made the accomplishment, even when am going through my own problems I still find time to listen and give my advise, and that’s who I am, that’s my nature. And I also beleive that when you sow good seed the the Lord will blees you abundantly. I still have hopes of finding a true genuine and loyal friend, somone who will watch my back as I watches their.
monika on July 1st, 2009 at 10:14 am | Link
I think you all have valid points and I am glad to see that some of my thoughts about jealous people in my life are mentioned here. I cannot understand jealous behavior. I have always wanted to be around people who are happy, successful and contented whatever their goals. I have never turned away any of my friends when they have needed support. Now I have improved my life and career successfully after a great deal of hardship and my friends have turned on me as if I no longer belong. Were they just feeling sorry for me all those years or are they jealous of my accomplishments? I cannot decide.
charlene on July 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm | Link
Thanks for your posts, they are all insightful. I have been struggling with similar situations for a long time. My friends criticisms and complaints have made me feel haughty, egotistical, self-righteous, and self-absorbed for as long as I can remember. Maybe I have some of these defects, but not much more than the average person. I am a pretty good person with good intentions most of the time.
I dont like to complain to my friends that I think so and so is jealous of me because it makes me feel like Im coming off as a conceited person who is a bit delusional and has to make up jealousy explanations to explain why things dont go my way. The problem is is that I feel a lot of jealousy towards me in my life, not just from friends, but from co-workers, teachers and TA’s, family as well.
I dont mean to sound boasting, but Im a very intelligent, educated, good looking person, and am studying for a respectable career. Things are going particularly well in my life right now. I feel very lonely at this point in my life and I think I try to overcompensate sometimes by displaying my qualities. I do not want to have to downplay myself as it took years of trudging through very low self esteem and self neglect to get to a point where I wanted to respect myself enough to “display” my qualities. I seem to end up trying to lower myself to gain acceptance and end up not fully respecting myself in the process. My choice of women are those that are unstable and broken who think Im god one minute then think Im scum the next and are usually “pushed” away by my insecurities. Yes, its a freakin mess. But I am trying to respect myself now and create better boundaries with people. As soon as I created a boundary with my close friend, he has become very accusing and angry with me. It is a painful loss because I am closer to my friends than I am my family. Right now I feel that I am on the verge of really learning to respect myself, but I am losing acceptance from people I care about in my life.
josh on July 5th, 2009 at 2:38 pm | Link
Reading some other peoples experiences that they have with friends and how jealous they are, makes me wonder how shallow and low these people can get. Years ago I remember I had a co-worker we use to be very good friends and then out of the blue she started acting funny but I could not understand why and how this change comes about. It’s quite obivious that I started to examine myself and asking questions.
It carried on for sometimes but in the end she packed in the job, she didn’t say she was leaving, so I carried on working, after a couple years she wrote me a letter, I went and visited her, she was in a very bad state at the time but I was just happy to see her, knowing me, I did not ask her why I just forgive her and put the past behind me. But before I left she said to me that she have something to say to me, and she told me that there is something about me that she is jealous of.
I ask her what it is and she just say she cannot put her finger on it but she wish she have what I have. But I still could not understand how she arrive at that because we get the same salary and we were all going through hardships and she was even in a better position than I am, she has support from her family, which I did not have. In other words I was as poor as a pauper just bearly managing.
As years goes by I still experience the same thing, am sure am not sick in the head but what I realise is that when you are a strong person and you are focus,upbeat, positive, helpful,cheerful, happy outgoing and stands out from the rest and make good choices in life, thats when jealous friends creeps in.
My advise to all these positive and genuine people on this site, is not take on any faults sense of responsibilites by trying to come down to these jealous people level, do not afraid to say NO to them, don’t let them pull your down, these people are not good for you lot, they are toxic chemicals that will poision you slowly but suerly as you inhale their negative secretion, jealous people are a nausiane to soceity. The moment you realise that something is not good for you, just get rid of then once and for all, it’s better to be alone that to be unhappy around these rodents. Let us start to embrace our own friendship and get in the habit of doing things on own own, we don’t need people to validate our success. What these rodent don’t relaise is that we genuine people rely on our INTERNAL FORCES, while they rely on thier EXTERNAL FORCES and thats what stes us apart, we are on toalty different wave length,God bless you all.
monika on July 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am | Link
Hey there!
I basically could tell you my life has always been like that and it ain’t changing any sooner… even though I’m roughly 19 years old. People just aren’t mature enough, they do not know that whatever you give is what you get back, so if they are jealous of you it’s more than OBVIOUS that they’re so not happy with their own lame life that they wanna ruin yours, or at least, make you feel what they feel because they don’t have the happiness you have, and since they can’t have it (because they don’t do any improvement on their life) they just hate you because you have it, it’s pathetic.
The way I see it, people will always talk about you and be jealous of you so you might as well give them something to talk and be jealous about.
If they had a life, they so would not be looking and criticising yours right? I know this is selfish, and believe me it’s been hell of a process dealing with all these people!
But you gotta remember, you always come first, before anyone, you must be happy so then you can make others happy, because no one gives what he doesn’t have.
Hope I helped
temoc on July 15th, 2009 at 12:58 am | Link
Hi Temoc,
Thank You for sharing! For a 19 year old your are pretty sharp!
Remember that when you go through the trials of life they will shape you into who you are. They can make you or break you but you make that choice. Best To You!
AK on July 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm | Link
I am also happy to have found this website. I have been struggling to let go of an old friend for about two years now. We are both 30, we went to the same college, live in the same city, and both have little boys mine is 3-years old and hers is 2-years old. Being that we are college friends a lot of our socializing is going out for drinks at bars or clubs. She has had a it hard after her son. The father has never meet the child and she suffered from post partum.I tried to be there for her when ever she needed me. I listened to her suffering andI baby-sat her son when ever she asked me to since I am a stay at home mother. She lives with her mother and son in an apartment and seems to be doing well.
I recently bought a new car, got engaged then found out I was preganat all in the same month. Everyone was so excited for me, except for this friend. My finance and our son travel often. We go to beaches and leave the country at least twice a year. He does well for himself and I stay at home with our son and work part-tim in the evenings and weekends after he gets home. I work out a lot, spend a lot of mommy time with our son.
I only have 2-3 friends that I communicate with, I am not a bragger for most of them live out of town and have no clue of my lifestyle or what I have. And I don’t think what I have is much to brag about. I do talk about how much I love my son, how happy I am in my relationship and life. But I love to hear about my friends lives even more, although I am blessed to be at home, mine is sort of boring when I’m not on vacation or at work.
Well things has taken a turn for the worst between my friend and I. Its seems like during every conversaton we have I have to defend myself against her. I told her that we were going to wait until after the baby to get married and may do a destination wedding, she belted, “who is going to pay for all that? Do you really think people will pay to go to your wedding? Who has money for that?” I told her that we were saving for a new home because of the baby and we would put the wedding off for a while which would give those instrested in attending time to save. She then said, “who is going to pay for your new house, your man? He pays for everything don’t he? What do you pay for?” I felt like I was being attacked by every postive thing I told her about my life.
The final straw was facebook. Everyone on facebooks broadcast there ups, down, boast, and make jokes. Well I mentioned how flattered I was that I have been told that I look to be in my mid twenties when I am 30-years old. This friend posted that “Please get over yourself”, ” you seem to love to feel yourself”. Then made her own post saying
how” people forget where they came from, they may need to share beds, borrow clothes or become a fat housewife.” I am not sure if this was directed at me but I am pretty sure.
Why am I still holding on to her as a friend, I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t have that many we have been friends 10-years now and I just don’t want to cut her off I guess. Now that I am doing well and in a good space in life she says I think I am better then everyone and forgeting where I come from. I don’t get. I am nothing but nice to her and will do anything for her.
Before anyone comments, I am not the sweet and innocent little housewife. I speak my mind, don’t put up with much BS and I am very sarcastic. This being said, I am still a good friend and find I let this person walk all over me. I feel like I have to put on a suit of armour just to take her calls.
I think we are pretty much done. I guess I will begin to phase her out.
YL on July 25th, 2009 at 11:24 pm | Link
To Charlene- Those people (friends) couldnt relate to you with your sucessful change because it meant they would have to challenge themselves to be better than You. Their insecurities got the best of them and you became a mirror to them on how they are not where they want to be. You would think a mature person would be happy for your example and say to themselves wow she inspires me to do better for myself too! Isnt a healthy friedship suposed to be suportive with encouragement? Have you tried confrontation?( There is a great chance of denial & that you are imagining they are this way) so that would mean if these friends dont wake up , get real and humble with themselves after you have tryed, I would fade them out and be around people who inspire you & encourage you.
The world is full of toxins we dont need people in our lives that cause us to feel bad about choosing to have a better life.
You can take this experiance as a compliment to yourself as you grow & learn from it. It will make you more aware of your choices in friends and help shape you into a better person for someone you can inspire & encourage. Congratulations on Your Sucessful steps and wishing You the Best! Anne
AK on July 26th, 2009 at 6:27 am | Link
last nite i went out with my friends whom i’ve known for 20 years. i’m engaged and they are miserable about all the men who have cheated on them, a few of them are divorced. they kept saying things like all men are this and that and how marriage doesn’t always last, etc. — it was so obvious they were directing their comments toward me. they didn’t congratulate me or ask to see the ring. it was awful. i’m horribly hurt. one of them is one of my bridesmaids. i’m ready to tell her that i dont’ want her in it — if men are so terrible why is she being in a bridal party? blah, i feel like crap. i agree with everyone here, that miserable people don’t like it when you have changed for the better and just hate hanging with happy people. after the wedding next year i am going to be ditching these toxic people and making new friends. no you are not alone. last nite i read a psychologist’s comment: “true peers are those who function on the same level.” we need to be surrounded by people who are on the same level we are. if we are happy and don’t try to bring other people down, then we need to be around people who are similar. god am i depressed right now — these girls are like family to me yet they’re not happy for me. it sucks. so i understand where you’re coming from.
mary on July 26th, 2009 at 9:29 pm | Link
Mary, start doing something special for yourself that you always wanted to try. Keep your head up, life can throw a curve ball sometimes but you have it in you to be a survivor so stay strong throgh the sudden change of weather. This season will come into a new one and a new day will begin. You know that you are feeling a sense of mourning twards your friends on top of your hurt and the weight of it is heavy. Find a healthy way to ease your mind of all this. something that is good for you not a bandaid like drinking your sorrows away, but choosing a healthier mind set above it all. dont allow any negitive thoughts consume your mind (not easy I know) but just try your best, you deserve the best and I hope maybe some one of your friends will make a change someday, but if not, I hope you have some wonderful new friends who will encourage your life. Just wish the best for your old friends and move on. I feel for you, but you know you have the rest of your life ahead of you and this bump in the road will be a faded memory someday. Im not saying it wont be sad when thought of, but your life will be filled with much more healthier choices to make your life a much better one. Congratulations! &Best Wishes! Anne
AK on July 27th, 2009 at 5:00 am | Link
OMG im so glad I found all of you. I need to summarize my “friend” and the years of crap I have taken from her. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. I have a less than perfect past, and yes she was there the months/years that I was a real mess. Things that I’m not proud of. HOWEVER, I have pulled myself up, I have two degrees, I have an awesome job, and I have a wonderful husband that adores me. I’m attractive and smart. For years though i’ve been at the receiving end of her snooty comments about me, she loves to embarrasses me in front of others and bring up the past to new acquaintances. She belittles my ideas, and my thoughts on things. She makes underhanded comments like: “im sorry but at a certain age long hair just looks ridiculous” guess what i have long hair. “big boobs are just gross” guess what i have big boobs (like I can help it) and she makes sure to tell me how much her husband doesn’t like women with big boobs. She also is in constant search of friends and picks at them terribly and talks about them constantly. She’s rude and thinks it’s ok to be downright mean to others - because, hey, she’s just being honest. She is the type that is NEVER wrong and will bombard you with email after email of ‘proof’ she’s right from quick searches on the internet. She has confrontations with her own family members, her in laws, her husband’s friends and their spouses, but it’s NEVER her fault. She really went overboard a few weeks ago with me; it was a simple subject that she turned into a sarcastic laced series of jabs at me and my family. Then followed up with “im just sayin”……she knew she went to far (although would die before admitting that) and she knew I was hurt and angry. So instead of apologizing, she’s ignored me. She spews her hate on me then doesn’t have the guts to apologize? If I thought for one minute something I said may have hurt her I would be beside myself and calling to apologize. Has anyone ever had someone like this in their lives? Does she hate me? Is she just so miserable of a person that she doesn’t care?
Cassie on July 28th, 2009 at 1:41 pm | Link
Hi Cassie-
Since I found this thread back in March during a break-up with 2 of my old girlfriends, I have really gotten over the whole jealous friend thing just by hearing other peoples stories and realizing it really isn’t just me-some people are just like that, and not only that, it is really common!
Obviously, your friend is jealous of you and you said yourself she treats everyone that way-so it’s not about you, it’s about her and her insecurities.
BTW, after breaking up with those 2 “friends” in March, my life has gotten even better by not having them drag me down-and since I’m no longer taking any of this personally or being naive about a lot of people having insecurity issues, I seem to be making much better choices around new acquaintances and having better boundaries and not getting involved with the negativity (and being more assertive from the beginning). Thanks to everyone for their honesty on this thread. You have a right to be happy, and if they want to be miserable let them-they have that right, too.
P.S. before I broke up with my friends I said everything I wanted to say. Even if they deny it all, I know they’ve heard the same complaints from other people, too, because they didn’t just treat me that way, and it was good to get it off my chest.
Rocy on July 28th, 2009 at 3:22 pm | Link
Cassie… Time to move onto a new season in your life.
Out with the old in with the new. Get Healthy & Be Happy.
Your Change has brought about change now keep a toxic free life by leaving your friend in the past. Best Wishes
AK on July 28th, 2009 at 3:22 pm | Link
Hi Everyone,
I have faced the same problems before and its happening right now again. I am presently doing my final assignment for my University Course and all my friends in the group is no longer speaing with me. I have never failed any of my course. In fact, the course is part online and part at UWIDEC centre and just recently during the process of doing my thesis ,my house was broen into and my computers (2) were stolen with all of my work.After this happened all my so called friends in the group have not been speaking to me again. Added to this, they keep sending abusive emails which i opened once and which I no longer open but delete. I have beeen praying to my God and I now he will deliver me. I still was able to send my work for the thesis and I would like to tell you God was in control. I really do not have any friends except my husband and family and I am always wondering why my women friends get jealous of me .They always show it out plainly to me. I believe if I dont eep out of their way they will definitely destroy me. I am hurting.
Diana Lewis on July 29th, 2009 at 4:35 am | Link
Diana - you are not alone. Im going to assume Im older than you being your in college, but none the less…….you MUST keep moving forward with your college and career. You cannot let them break you. You have much better things waiting for you in the future. I am a sucessful woman with a great job in a great company. I work with a lot of men and I gotta tell you, that makes my life sooo much easier. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know what that reason is now but your are destine for better things. I don’t have any friends except my husband and family as well. But Im happy. Im cutting out a friend of 20 years litteraly as we ’speak’. As a woman who has been in the workforce for a large company for over 11 years, my advice to you is to remain friendly to co-workers (women) but be careful being friends with them. Also - my husband and I hang out with other couples who are 5-10 years older than us (im 37) they are much eaiser to be around. You will get through this and you will be stronger and your going to do good things!!!!!! Hang in there and don’t let them consume another minute of your life. (Now I have to take my own advice here too!!) My situation is similar in ways and while im not loosing sleep over it, Im pissed off (sorry) that she has taken up so much of my time with her antics and that I let this happen. Keep moving forward, you have school and family to worry about and those are much more important than jealous backstabbing women. Good Luck!
Cassie on July 29th, 2009 at 5:05 am | Link
Hi Cassie, the question I would like to ask you is why do you put up with that little rodent you call friends for 20 years ? I believe when we try to be nice to people they take the ( PISS) at times. If your so-call friends are not there to support you in any shape or form, you take my foolish advise delete their numbers and all contact details.
You need to start a fresh, and the beauty about it is that the moment you get rid of these toxic people you immediately feel the burden just rolls off your shoulder, these jealous friends are a pain in the ass and they are a heavy burden to carry. Are you willing to carry on living your life under bondage and going around with a false sense of responsibility ? The point am getting at is you are not happy with their behaviour but still you are keeping friends and contact with them( that’s what I meant of false sense of responsibility).
Take a leaf out of my book, if my friends are not happy for me then am sorry am ready to cut you out of my life with immediate effect, comes what may, even if we know each other from birth, I will put up with anything else from people, but when it comes to jealousy that’s where the line is drawn, a jealous person have one motive and that motive is to destroy your life and everyone that you are associated with, they wants to wipe you clean.
A jealous person tends to minimise you just in order to maximize and equalize themselves, they are a poisonous, toxic, selfish, selfcentered, parasite, unhappy little rodents, they are a nusianse to society, do not take these people for granted or under estimate them they will go to the last mile to destory your family, friends, your job and also other close to you. BE WARN !!!!!!!!!!
monika on July 29th, 2009 at 9:36 am | Link
Thanks Monica. To answer your question…….i really don’t know why im friends with her. One thing and your all going to think i’m crazy ……im sort of afraid of the backlash. She’s done some heinous things to people in the past. What really makes me so po’d about this is SHE hurt MY feelings, she knows this ….yet is unable to apologize or even speak to me!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Im the bad guy here. Also – there is a get together in a few weeks that she and several others will be at and im not sure I want/should go…..it will be extremely awkward……yet, part of me thinks I should go and be cordial and let her know im not sulking over her…….any thoughts?
Cassie on July 29th, 2009 at 10:00 am | Link
I dont know about you Cassie, but I would pass on that get together, I mean what are ya’ll getting together about? Just get together with friends who are healthy for you, make a date yourself with them and count out your rodent friend. I just wouldnt say anything about your rodent friend you wouldnt want to get back to her to anyone. Control your tounge. I had to rid a so called friend I knew for 24 years I met her from church. As loving as she seemed she always talked about everyone and sometimes used the excuse we should pray for them or dont say anything, or Im just tired and rambling. I always knew this about her but you know to be a christian you got to be merciful and give grace because no one is perfect but it turns out after I have helped her she got jealous of me & people from her church said she was making some accusations about me. So the strange thing about her is she has faded in and out of so many peoples lives and then one day walks back in as if nothing ever happened. She recently had a jealous outburst in a public parking lot accusing me of speaking negitive about myself for attention because she does it herself and that makes her an expert at it and that she also has this (get this) gift of ‘exposing people’ what a crock! I could barely get a word in edgewize when she decided to talk out loud about my personal life (family) then says I wouldnt blame you if you didnt talk to me after this….. Um Ya Think??? its been since May and I am so done with her wack ways. She has since sent me numerous e-mails of random christian things with underlying messages, one of the messages was how friends are so important to a happy life…. aaah yeah ok try ”healthy friends”. Come on we need to stop being so friggen sentimental about some of these people! Yes at one or more times they may have had a significant place in our lives but seasons change to bring forth NEW LIFE so lets embrace some NEW LIFE!
AK on July 29th, 2009 at 11:03 am | Link
a bit off-topic….
notice how… .you’re all women…. with the same problems
notice how your husbands/boyfriends do not have the same issues
just… find it… kind of funny
I can T-totally relate! I had a friend from years ago that jealousy on her part ruined our friendship. It was a learning experience. We do keep in touch on Myspace but it has hindered what photos I will post because I just know that…some how she would be jealous. So I was always very careful of who I became friends with. I have a friend of 11 years who had always been there for me and I the same. Just recently we were on an yearly girls weekend, and out of know where she “jokingly” told me she was going to knock me off my high-horse! I was not bragging are even saying anything that would warrant such a comment. My husband and I have just bought a new house and she was right there being really cool and supportive. I did find out that weekend that she was upset because a mutual friend of ours referred a Realtor to me that our mutual friend knew for years. The Realtor knew my friend in question but was not close to her. Thank God! He was awesome! About two weeks after we moved in our place, our Realtor gave his friend that referred us to him, money! A pretty nice referral fee. My friend in question wanted to know where her cut of that money was???? She did not refer the Realtor nor is she close with him. I had no idea that he was going to give our other friend a referral fee. Now my friend in question is very short and off handed with me. Again….here I go! Pushing 40 and can not seem to keep friends that don’t have stupid jealousy issues and/or an false since of entitlement! Wondering?? I grew up around tons of boys and really did not interact and become friends with girls until my early teens. I truly do not feel jealousy toward my friends. I came from a broken and struggling home. I am not a privileged person and I have never bragged or any such as to my acomplishments but I seem to keep having the same problems with friends. It hurts when you find out that your so called friends can’t be happy for you but you are the first to celebrate with them!
Kris on July 29th, 2009 at 11:55 am | Link
Uh, “Lord-Santa”-
Like men are not jealous and competetive? Give me a break! And some of the first posters on here are men ARE men. The difference is, men often expect relationships to be games of competition, so they aren’t on here venting hurt. Women, on the other hand, tend to expect relationships to be supportive partnerships, and when they aren’t, it hurts and we want to figure out what happened and why. The fact that you are on here trying to make it a competition between men and women proves my point.
P.S. I’ve had at least 2 boyfriends who were very jealous and non-supportive of my accomplishments. Jeez, just look how men have re-written history to completely discount accomplishments made by women. This is a problem of insecurity and immaturity, NOT gender.
Rocy on July 29th, 2009 at 1:39 pm | Link
Hi AK, when it comes on to christianity I am on the front page so I am well aware of these so call christian that goes around quoting scriptures from the Holy bible but yet they forget in Psalms it stated to be very careful of the people you even walk with into the house of God, your own flesh will fail you so you dear not trust your own.
Am sorry but a lot of them are in the church, some make even praying that you lose your job, your friends and family, so be careful of these people and their prayer group. They need to get their heart purge out frist before they mention about praying with clean hearted people.
monika on July 29th, 2009 at 1:59 pm | Link
Cassie, for God sake forget about backlass, we all have done things in our life that we may regret, so what ? you wont be the first or the last, forget about this nonsense party why do you have to subject yourself to these hideous situation ? forget their social gathering this is how you phase them out by cutting off little.
Does this person paying your bills for you ? or does this person holds the key to your life? or does this person hold your sucess and destiny in their hand? If the answer is yes then you have major issues to deal with, and if the answer is no, then tell them to PISS OFF.False friends are like autumn leaves youfind them everywhere you go but a true friend is rear and hard to find. Thank God am one of them.LOL.
monika on July 29th, 2009 at 2:10 pm | Link
To further update this thread,
I just got an email from an ACTUAL friend (of 22 years) who had spoken to my former toxic friend about me. It has been over a year now since the phase-out begun, so we only see each other at mutual friend functions now. No phone calls, no email or texts. Here is a particular exerpt:
“So I just don’t know. I feel like I got slapped in the face. Of all the real and imagined slights that I ever did to her…of all the things I did inadvertently… of all the things that I had to make sure I didn’t say…didn’t do…didn’t be…is it worth it in the end?”
Of all the things she did to me, now that I did this to her, is it worth it in the end? Seriously? I couldn’t believe I was reading this! YET, this is EXACTLY how she’s always been!! “Imagined slights?” Please note the inference that I must’ve been off my rocker, dreaming up ’slights’ because I was such a terrible friend to her…See how it’s about her, and how I wronged her? Toxic goes on to say…
“I’m really not sure if I want to reconnect. I don’t think I want to be buddy-buddy with her again, but I hate the fact that there’s so much animosity and coldness in the air. I just don’t know what to talk to her about anymore, I feel as if I always have to be careful of what I say, to make sure I don’t offend…She always bitched at me to “be who I want to be, say what I want to say”, yet… if I did…ha! ”
When she came crying to me that she wanted to abandon her hubby and baby and literally run away, I told her to stand up and be her and say what she needed to say, do, etc…that her hubby would still love her and they could make it work. That was me ‘bitching’ at her. Why do you think there’s so much coldness in the air? Because I gave and gave and she took and took and I can’t take it anymore. And see how it’s all MY fault?!??!!?! But she can’t even tell my other friend what she really thinks…please note the laugh. “Yet…if I did…” Ooh, it would probably be like hitting the red button to launch the nuke. It would probably burn my eyebrows off or something. Yeah, there’s NO way I could handle that…
This is a petty thread, I know, but I just wanted to show everyone how all her crying that she missed me and wanted to restart our friendship bull from a year ago has now degenerated into this. She never did care, and she’s only mad that she doesn’t get the attention out of me that she used to. It just shows me that I did the right thing and that I deserved to enjoy the past year as I have done. It was worth it. Nothing would have changed if I had stayed. For all she professed to me out of deep love of friendship of 15 some odd years, this is all that’s left.
And now I know she never really was my friend. Sad, but true.
Carrie on July 31st, 2009 at 6:37 am | Link
I had actually meant to write this to YL and then saw that the subject of backlash came up in subsequent posts. Here is the thing - we may worry about cutting these people out of our lives because imagine the heinous things they are going to say about us. (I know I have felt that weird pit in my stomach from thinking such a thing.) But the reality is - or probably is - they are already saying sh*t anyway! Maybe you just need to say, “Okay, so and so is saying really bad things about me and maybe there are even some people who believe her.” Just say it over and over again calmly until you can be at peace with that anxiety. And then, cut the toxic person out. It’s the only way.
And Lord_Santa, men are very competitive and bitchy with oneanother, although I do think that they are less so than women. (Or maybe they express it less? Honestly, I am hesitant to make any blanket statements on gender differences.) If women express envy and competitiveness more often, I don’t think it has anything to do with their inherent nature, but the powerlessness of women in our society. True, things have changed greatly , but I still know a lot of women who think they are nothing without a man’s attention or love. Powerlessness is what breeds envy. If you are confident that you are capable of achieving what you want on your own, then you are less likely to suffer from envy. If you somehow think the gifts or talents or beauty or love whatever it is, reside outside of your own power, then you are more likely to be envious. That’s just my own theory on it.
Mattie on August 2nd, 2009 at 8:22 am | Link
Is that Mattie being eloquent again? Here, here to above post, however I don’t necessarily think men do express their jealousy less…to men or women. If anything, just because of the prejudice in our society that says women are the more bitchy, I think the men are much more comfortable with their put downs to each other and women. Think about some of your exes (or currents). Did they make insecure, snipey comments about attractive or successful men? Did they get insecure about your talents and successes? I’ve had both of those experiences in spades. And, on top of it, men play women against each other. Men accidentally on purpose get caught eyeing other women in social situations or in other ways tweek their GF’s or wives into feeling insecure about other women. We women are so much easier to control when we are insecure. And unfortunately, women are pretty easy targets if a guy wants to make her feel insecure about other women. The media makes sure of that. In fact, maybe the media makes fools out of all of us by creating this competitive, shallow society where people measure themselves by others instead of by their own true desires.
Rocy on August 2nd, 2009 at 10:53 am | Link
Hey Rocy, you sweetiepie! Yes, that was me. And I agree with your “however.” In fact, I spent yesterday trying to think of the ways in which men express envy. Since I have never been in a men’s bathroom, I couldn’t come up with concrete examples. (Ha ha. Don’t tell me that men don’t check each other out while standing at the U. )
Seriously, I think that men may expresss their envy in ways that aren’t very apparent to me. Maybe I just have a sort of blind spot here. I assure you that if I do, it isn’t because I am cutting men any particular slack - it’s just the way it is.
Have you ever had the experience of having a totally passive-aggressive female subtly giving you the business at a dinner party while the men at the table didn’t even notice? I’ve had that situation and have explained the thing to my male companion while he’s just looked at me with complete mystification. (And I don’t date dumb guys.) It’s the oddest thing. I wonder sometimes if the same thing is going on with men - subtle cues between them.
I will say that I work in a male-dominated field and that it wasn’t until the second year that I was in my job that certain male colleagues started to confide in me with regard to their rivalries. I started to learn a ton of stuff about all the men in my department and their politicking, etc. It was very interesting to me that I hadn’t picked up on some of it earlier. (Granted, I rarely work on site - but typically, I am much more in tune to verbal cues - say, on a conference call or something.)
Mattie on August 3rd, 2009 at 4:54 pm | Link
Hi, I came across this site after doing a search in Google on “when a friend wants to be like you”. Where do I begin? Jealously…ugh it’s been annoying me lately as I’ve been noticing the comments and toxicity of certain people in my life and of course you ask why are they in your life, how did they get there and what is their problem?
Case 1: I know a person who for me is more of an acquaintance and I’ve kept her there at that distance as she only calls me when she is need of a chauffeur usually starting the message with “Do you want to go out for coffee…oh and I have to return a book, go do errands, go to this store, etc.”
Recently I graduated with a master’s degree in education. This acquaintance never offered me congrats on this accomplishment but had sent me an email for a teaching job that she applied for-mind you she doesn’t have the background, degree or qualifications-and had to gall to ask if it didn’t pan out for her and they were looking for “more qualifications”, if she could forward my name and number to the hiring person. This annoyed me, basically my hard work in obtaining a master’s degree is no big deal really and she can do what I can do! Of course unbeknownst to her I had applied to the same place.
And then I made a mistake in inviting her to my birthday party where she kept asking everyone how do they know me, where did they meet me, etc. etc. My friends were appalled and uncomfortable as they told me later on.
It’s really late now but there’s more. I have my struggles in life but I don’t covet what other people have. I don’t have the energy to sit around comparing myself to other people all day. I like people who are positive and appreciate me instead of constantly putting down in whatever I do accomplish as if it’s nothing, has no value or merit or just starts flipping out and saying, “how did you get that job or how did you buy that?”
Anna on August 11th, 2009 at 1:15 am | Link
Well, Anna, to be blunt, that one sounds like a candidate for the dumper. Easier said than done for sure.
Mattie on August 15th, 2009 at 8:12 am | Link
Carrie wrote “They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them”
That is totally my cousin Carrie. Thank you so much! I am learning so much from you and everyone else on this site! xxx
ConfusedWoman on August 16th, 2009 at 6:50 pm | Link
Mattie wrote “I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous”.
Wow Mattie that is me to a T! I haven’t worked in a couple of years due to being bullied and your post has given me some real insight into why it has happened and how I can avoid it. Thank you! xx
ConfusedWoman on August 16th, 2009 at 6:54 pm | Link
Rocy wrote “nuclear ballistic”
LOL!! Love it!! =D xxx
ConfusedWoman on August 16th, 2009 at 7:06 pm | Link
Hi Mattie,
Thanks for your comments. Since my post I have not spoken to my old friend. She still has a place in my heart for old times sake. We did have good times in college and soon after. I stopped my remote on an episode of Housewives of Atlanta and said to myself “all the lies,backstabbing, rudeness, and outrageous behavior these women display could be my life if I continued my friendship with the woman. She was hurting my feelings and I was becoming defensive, cynical, and sarcastic. I wasn’t being myself when I spoke to her, I was turning into the stuck-up, snooty person that she wanted me to be when I spoke with her just to give her more to be jealous of. This is not me. I am a modest person, I do not brag or bost but I knew any little amount of my happines drove her crazy so I would push her buttons just to see how hateful she could be and to sharpen of my defensive skills.
Needless to say, I was giving this woman to much power and energy over my life. I am preganant and planning a wedding so this will be my main focus for now on. Hopefully this will be the first and last friend I will lose to jealousy.
YL on August 17th, 2009 at 10:44 am | Link
WooHoo! Victory Made Today! by A Super Model ! (Success again)
On Todays News!
A Jealous friend who disguised herself with a anonymous internet blog name tried to de-fame this Super Model more than a few times.
The Super Model contacted Google, they took the blog down but wouldn’t reveal the identity of the blogger. So the Super Model contacted her Lawyer and sued Google! Google then revealed the perpetrators e-mail to which the Super Model knew and then called & confronted & forgave the girl but is pursuing legal action against her (defamation of character).
Whoo Hoo!! Yea! Victory!!!!! Shame on The Jealous Insecure!!!!!!! Grow Up Already!!!!!
AK on August 19th, 2009 at 4:57 am | Link
Hi Confused Woman - I am glad my post was helpful to you! I hope it helps you on your way to more fulfilling work!
Mattie on August 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am | Link
YL - you are welcome, and I have to thank you as well. What you’ve said in your post describes the same situation that I am in. I actually came here because I am having an issue with a friend that I probably just need to let go of and of course, it’s hard. The thing that really bothers me is that I cannot be natural around her anymore. It’s just so weird to me – aside from all the drama and weirdness of it, I do not understand why people continue to do it. It’s like – you both know you don’t like each other anymore and yet you go on. It’s like eating fast food to me – no offense to any fast foodies, but for me, it isn’t “real” food. As it is, I’m so often forced to be fake at work and I find it totally exhausting.
So why do it? Guilt? What would happen if we just said, “Hey you know the vibe is not there anymore….” Really, the problem is that doesn’t feel right - I feel that at some point, she just turned into a different person and pulled her claws out. Truly, I feel hurt and angry and that it’s not my fault.
Mattie on August 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 am | Link
I am in the same boat as all of you.
I feel really hurt because I try hard never to talk about my successes too much.
I never show off, but my friends read about things in the newspaper and then they start bitching about me or do something nasty.
I believe you guys are right when you say that ”we” have changed and it is time to move on and find NEW friends.
That does not mean finding friends with better jobs or better looks, that means finding positive and very CONFIDENT friends who are really happy with what their lives are about.
SC on August 24th, 2009 at 10:34 pm | Link
I have experienced this very same thing since the beginning of my college years. Up until then, I didn’t realize I had anything going on in my life that was worth people being jealous about. That is until certain “friends” began to behave in a jealous way towards me. I am very ambitious and have accomplished a lot and am “pretty” in the eyes of other people. Jealousy is a perverse form of admiration. They secretly admire you, but their insecurities and unhappiness won’t allow them to respond to your success, victories and blessings in a normal, healthy way. One problem is this: many people see the fruit of your labor that got you where you are, but they never realize the struggles you went through to get there.
And for us who are Christians, what a shame that people are jealous of one another. They fail to realize that we have the same Heavenly Father and He is no respecter or persons! People want what you have, but they are not willing to go through what you have gone through to obtain it. I realize that God sends certain people in your life for a reason. Sometimes it is to show the people who are jealous of you what is actually in them so that they will come to realize that they even have a problem that requires God’s help to overcome.
I realize that my life is blessed. Not perfect, I might add. And I have learned that when you want to simply share your personal victories and blessings (not bragging) that you have in your life, not everyone around you is a candidate with whom to share that information. They just can’t handle it for whatever reasons. I have learned to love people from a distance. Even Jesus Christ didn’t associate Himself with everyone! He knew when to be around people, and when to draw away to Himself. He had a close inner circle, and Judas betrayed Him (b/c of greed, not jealousy, though). I recommend that all of us who have suffered at the hand of the ugliness of jealousy and envy take heed to what I have gleaned from experience so as to save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain.
Miko on August 30th, 2009 at 10:56 am | Link
i am always troubled by other girls being jealous of me. mind you, i am not gorgeous, smart or talented. however, i always feels that girls, especially the pretty ones always attack me. they like to make sublte remarks about me behind my back and make me feel bad about muself. this really bothers me, and even keeps me up an nite. why are they so mean? cant they just leave me alone? i am condident about myself but i never impose my confidence on anayone and never put people down. is there something i can do to avoid this jealousy? or maybe i’m doing something wrong?
amy on September 2nd, 2009 at 6:48 am | Link
Amy,
Its obvious you have something they lack, so keep your head up & keep walking out your journey…. they are not worth losing sleep over!
They have nothing better to do than to push your buttons and be entertained by your reaction….. They need to get a life!
We can do the best we can to avoid toxic people, but when we have to live with them, go to school with them, work with them & so on, we just have to find courage within ourselves to do what is best.
Talk to someone that can give you professional advice on how to deal with it best for your situation.
Best-Anne
AK on September 2nd, 2009 at 8:07 am | Link
I am approaching 60, but look & feel 40′ish - outsiders give me mad compliments!
Most of my adult life I thought I was the problem - I would try harder when people treated me sh***y. Unbeknown to me (until I got into therapy for 2 years) I didn’t know any other treatment. I have been treated this way from early childhood (no exaggeration) my mother and two sisters were extremely jealous of my relationship with my father (he & I were BFFs and my mom never knew her dad) and the fact that I looked different then they did certainly did not help matters (Blond, blue eyed with high cheekbones - funny thing is I was always a tomboy - no interest in makeup/dressup/boys until late teens). I have stories that people think I’ve fabricated because what my mother & sisters did to me was so WACKed out! Well at this point in life I’ve just about healed the wounds, but refuse to let females close enough to inflict more damage - it really seems to be never-ending. My motto now is “don’t take it out on me - go talk to your mother & father if you don’t like the way you look/turned out/whatever you’re unhappy about.
I thank GOD everyday that I don’t suffer from jealousy, and I pray daily to keep from becoming bitter & unforgiving - I forgive pain inflicting females from a healthy distance!
Lolo1130 on September 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am | Link
Hi Mattie,
You made an interesting point. Why can’t we just be real and say, “The vibe isn’t there anymore”. I think that as women we try to be polite and just grin and bare it. I know that if this woman disrepects me again by using the happiness and succes in my life to start a “hate” monolouge towards me then I will most likey tell her to just keep it moving. I know the thing that bother’s her the most about me is that I have changed. I don’t go out much, I have new friends of different races, I travel often and I am more involved in my family then with any of my old friends. I don’t call them or see them much. So when I talk to my old friends they all notice a difference and vice versa. This one friend seems to be the only one whom has a serious problem with me. The strangest thing Mattie is that after all her mean facebook post and comments she invited me to celebrate her birthday for Labor Day weekend. I turned her down nicely by letting her know that although I would love to go “bar hopping” with her for her 31st bday my family and I were taking yet another vacation in Florida that weekend….I couldn’t help myself. lmao
YL on September 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am | Link
I’m glad I found this site, I can relate to “Amy” especially. I have come to the realization that so many people were never my “friends” Only liked me when I was fatter. I lost weight and look out!! People felt free to make comments about some of my lumps getting smaller. At Work!!! Made me very self conscious and I kept losing more weight. So I quit that job because of the toxicity and comments. Now I can’t find a decent job to save my life!!! Sometimes I wonder if when I go to interviews the older, frumpy lady interviewing can’t see beyond my appearence. Mind you I consider myself “so-so” But am told I am pretty. If people really knew how unconfident and self depricating I am, they may not be jealous. I’m still gonna take care of myself regardless of others. I say they should try to get on the same bandwagon and shower, dye their hair, exercise, try enjoying sex more, eat healthier, quit being so miserable and quit trying to decipher me and my life. I quess I don’t have to worry anyone because I am home alone with no friends or coworkers. They can feel better knowing I am now isolated in my house where no one can see me. I feel so bad about myself and have no confidence anymore. I’ve considered suicide. I feel so alone in this world…..I’ve even considered taking a knife to my face. I can’t help what god gave me ya know? People just don’t realize how they can affect someone and their livlihood……nor do they care!! I have been seriously mentally affected and it hurts so bad. I am so alone with no friends. I’ve learned that I can only lean on my husband and little girl. I feel they are the only ones who love me unconditionally. Anyone out there feel this bad?
deanie on September 12th, 2009 at 12:50 pm | Link
Deanie,
Anne anniezheart41@aol
Everyone goes through feeling down and sometimes stress & hormones can drive you to your lowest. but dont mentally paint yourself in a corner or live your life that way, you have So much to live for! dont let the insecure bullies make you feel less than. If you read all the stories here you will see that jealousy is just a part of life that we all have to deal with but we all want Better! so do you!
So find some one professional to talk to so you wont feel self destructive about yourself. Its hard to trust but we all cant stop it all together or we will be all alone. Know that God loves you and he will never leave you or forsake you. Hope You Feel Better soon!
Anne on September 12th, 2009 at 3:50 pm | Link
well hey maybe you should be friends with women who are also targets of jealousy. b/c i totally hear you on this. i hate that my friends are jealous. actually the envy in and of itself doesn’t bother me. everyone feels envy at times. it’s when some people act out the envy with hostility that results when the person is that insecure. i get jealous too sometimes but i don’t try to sabotage people or anything like that. if i were you i might try to find women who are happy and who struggle with the same experience as you as far as people being jealous. it’s not hard to find, all you have to do is find successful happy women. chances are if they are truly successful and happy, someone has been jealous of them. for me, i just got engaged and you can imagine with jealous friends to begin with what i’m going thru. so what i’m trying to do is be around people who are in healthy relationships/marriages and have been thru what i’ve been thru in terms of the jealousy from others. it feels so much better. keep away from the jealous ones, they’re toxic. you don’t deserve that. but there are women out there who are not like this, believe me. just have to keep looking.
red on September 27th, 2009 at 4:29 am | Link
Hey everyone, this is a great website. I have has some of the same issues, since I am a natural saver and was able to buy a house sooner than a lot of people in their mid 20s and I got married earlier. I have found the solution to jealous friends for me anyways. Most of my current friends are not 15-20 years older than me. I have found that people this much older than me actually have a lot more in common with me than those my age. I am now 28 and my best friends are in their early to mid 40’s. It may seem strange but since most people my age are still going to clubs and partying and I have never really been into that, they get jealous of the new house, the new car, the new dog that I have. It’s hard because people my age don’t know that I don’t spend money on all the things they do such as going out to eat all the time, going on spring break vacation and going out to clubs and drinking. Instead I spend my money on our house and family. I have found that older friends really are at the same mindset as me. Most of my older friends don’t have kids either just like me so their lives haven’t really changed the way lives do when you have kids. Maybe looking at people who are in a similar life situation rather than age situation as you will help. It’s definitely helped me.
On a side note, last year I met a friend that I work with that around my age, she is 30. She got very jealous when she found out we have a house and she still rents but it was okay. Our relationship really took a turn for the worst when I told her that my husband and I finally decided on a timeline to have kids. He wants them as soon as possible and I wanted to wait. We decided on having them in 2 years. When I told her this information she was visibly upset and go very quiet. She has always said she wanted to be married at 22 and kids at 25 and she thinks she is too old now. She has never even been on a date. Can our relationship be salvaged or are our lives just too different? Any advice is appreciated.
Radio on October 4th, 2009 at 6:39 am | Link
The devil uses jealousy as one of main weapons to put us down. We are people with Godly qualities ( check to see this is so with yourself) so he cant stand this about us because if given a chance we can bring others to love the Lord and cause a big change in the world. Away wit him I say so presently anyone who I catch being jealous of me , i get rid of them out of my life completely.
Debbie on October 10th, 2009 at 11:46 am | Link
To update the saga that will not stop—
It has been almost 2 yrs since I have phased ‘Toxic’ out of my life. The mutual friend, I have kept. (mistake)
Last week, Mutual sat me down in a restaurant to tell me she doesn’t trust me. She is not judgmental, and does not gossip about me. Then she proceeded for 3hrs to discuss all the gossip she shares with ‘Toxic’ about ME. And, after knowing how insane ‘Toxic’ was being to me, Mutual decided to believe her lies anyway and now she doesn’t trust ME. One of my friends “looked” at Mutual in a mean way, so she judged that I had told this person lies about her to turn that person against her. But remember! She’s not judgmental.
Jealousy is like cancer that spreads throughout the body. Now, I have to start phasing Mutual out of my life the same as I did to ‘Toxic’. There is no cure! If she would rather believe the words and actions of other people rather than the words and actions of ME, there’s no way a friendship can survive that! How do I defend my reputation because someone ‘looked’ at her in a mean way? It’s insane!
Mutual wrapped up the 3hr flogging by saying she wants to salvage what’s left of our friendship. That I should take some time and think over what she said. What is there left to say? She loves the lies of ‘Toxic’ instead of my truth. I can’t compete with that, and I refuse to tell better lies than ‘Toxic’ to win back her attention. We are not children, and I did not grow up thinking I had to play games like this!
Carrie on October 20th, 2009 at 2:04 pm | Link
I am feeling very lonely too and its all because of jealously. Most of my women friends get jealous of me and as someone mention earlier on I am not very attractive but I am a very versatile person.Recently, I graduated from university with honors and i can tell you it was not easy for me. In the last semester, the ladies in my group was so cruel to me that I felt like vanishing.Added to this they started sending strange messages through my email to get me down and guess what.. they are still lagging behind even though they did all in their power to keep me down.I am now about to pursue masters degree and I don’t really have time for these people. I’d say we have something that they do not have and this should not be our problem. “If mangoes were not on the tree , nobody would stone the tree” Think about this today my friends !!!!!!!!!!
Debbie on October 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am | Link
I know exactly what you are talking about. My best friend and I are very close, and whenever she has an accomplishment or a success I congratulate her and feel genuinely happy for her even when I’m jealous. I feel as if I’m very supportive and yet whenever I accomplish something she does not treat me the same way. She changes the subject or doesn’t listen or even tries to put me down. I don’t understand it. It really frustrates me that her jealousy overpowers our friendship.
Allora on November 8th, 2009 at 11:45 pm | Link
I want to test this site (is it still active?) then, leave my post.
petperson on November 10th, 2009 at 2:09 pm | Link
Hi everybody! (for those of you who are tuning in).
I have read most of the posts and, it seems, we have all experienced the same kind of thing, nasty JEALOUSY! There are many things we have in common and are repeated here quite often… ‘we’ (those posting here) are friendly, outgoing, sincere, caring, successful…real people pleasers!, etc. :).
I guess this warm, friendly, (Happy, happy) persona could have developed, as protection, in childhood. (My folks were alcoholics and I needed to bring in the harmony!) This emotional neglect, abuse,… whatever may have contributed to who we are, nice. Now we have discovered that many people “friends” resent ‘niceness’ …especially when we excell!
One time, several years ago, I was involved with a group doing research on friendship. Many of us had known one another quite well and considered ourselves friends, so this was suppose to be a fun and interesting exploration. Little did we know…
There were psychologist in the group to add a little expertise! It was an informal ‘circle of friends’ with coffee and cookies included! We met once a week for several hours over several weeks.
During one meeting, well into the into the discussions, someone posed and interesting exercise. We were told to break off to groups of three and talk about what we really thought about the people in our little threesome. We were told to be totally honest…no ‘just to be nice stuff’…real honesty!! They were emphatic that we be truthful!!
I pulled two of my favorite folks aside knowing that it would be a real schmooze session…lots of hugs all around. Bill and Kate had been friends for years and I considered them lifelong buddies!
I suggested that Kate go first and asked her what her thoughts/feelings were about me! I was all smiles with expectation! Well…first she said…”I would like to wipe that smile off of your face!” (Oh my god!) Then she proceeded to say, “I hate the way you are always frriendly, helpful…miss goody two shoes! I would like to knock you off your high horse!”(My stomach caved)
She went on like this for quite some time and I just stood there…frozen, barely breathing.
She and Bill had been friends for a longer time and I looked to him to read his expression and maybe for support. He picked up where she left off…”Yeah, knock you down and kick the sh*t out of you!” I remember searching their faces, hoping that his was a mean joke and that they would break out laughing. But no, their eyes were steely cold. It’s amazing how I stood there and numbly told them that I had no idea that they felt this way and that my friendliness was genuine and heartfelt. Also, that I had always considered them as friends!
I don’t remember much after that. I was sick. I had no idea that people could harbor such meaness and yet, act like we were friends!!
Eventually, I excused myself and ran upstiars and threw myself on the bed and sobbed. I felt like I had literally been kicked in the stomach.
My husband and I had a lovely home and gladly opened it to this group. We provided plentiful snacks, drinks and even meals during many of the meetings. Most of these people were single and living from paycheck to paycheck. Many of them, including Bill and Kate, were not prospering in many ways. This didn’t matter to me. I guess I thought friendship wasn’t about what we owned, but about hearts and affection for one another!
I think I was resented for ‘having it all’ and sharing it, to them, was like rubbing their noses in my good fortune.
That day changed me in some ways. I have not trusted people like I once did. I have since divorced, remarried, had many hard times. My husband, when he is home, is my best friend and I have two great cats!!!
Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing and can turn into just plain hate. amazing. Thanks to all of you for sharing. I am not so alone, afterall.
petperson on November 10th, 2009 at 3:55 pm | Link
yes I have had this problem before and it is still going on. you just need to stit your friend down and tell her what you fell. I understand if that is a very difficult to you but it is worth the try. I f your friend does not understand that it is hurting you then she/he is not really a true friend.
Just try to work it out….. you never know intill you try.
Shelbi on November 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am | Link
!!!! thank you for this site.
i’ve been through so much over the passed few years.
i would like to begin with this girl that i met in 3rd grade (reaching back but it’s still relevant today). this girl was insane. she was quite popular and very beautiful, but she would tourment me all the time…always picking fights, pretending that she bumped her head, borrowing things from me and then giving them to her friends as gifts. the girl even stole from me and was caught infront of my best friend, me and my friends mother…she cried and ran outside and just stood there.
i was always a normal weight to skinny kid, but when i hit puberty i became quite the chubby bunny. people were out right rude to me, but i never cried or let it get me down. i just tuned them out and concentrated on what i wanted and my future goals (college, careers, and a life partner…even though these were all many years from that time i knew everything i did at that time would count later on).
during the christmas break my mom brought this work out video home and i decided to do it with her. by the end of the spring semester i had lost 20 lbs. i took my time, i ate all the normal foods that most kids my age ate but stuck to 1500 to 1800 calories a day and lost about 45 lbs in a year and 1/2. i began high school ( still having a few lbs left but phsyically different), instead of congratulating me all of the girls wanted to know if i was throwing up or anorexic. i would say no no no no. i wondered why these people didn’t take notice the first 20lbs. girls would yell “ANOREXIC” down the hall. i had never had girls act this way towards me and i didn’t understand. i thought maybe i did look bad. i tried building muscle and people began to leave me alone. one girl i went to school with worked at the gym and would see me do 30 min of cardio and an hour of weights…come to find out that she was talking behind my back like i had a “problem.” to this day a girl i’ve known since 6th grade won’t except that i lost the weight the right way, she continously refers back to that time thinking she can get me to “admitt” that i starved or took some crazy diet pills (this girl is quite thin herself and actually went to rehab for her eating disorder). i was about a size 2 then. i notice i never heard any complaints from guys. i got so sick of the crap that i began to go to the grocery store and would hit the bakery department and would buy two things of cookies and would eat both in a day including one loaf of bread. i desperately tried to build muscle. i did. once i did i got what i wanted…all of these girls left me alone…infact that ignored me.
i joined lacrosse my junior year and met this one girl who was eager to be my friend. she was ever so nice for a good two years, then she changed. it was slight…i thought i had lost my mind she head butted my teeth. i have naturally straight, extremely white teeth and people compliment them all the time and ask if i’ve ever had braces. i realize now that, that was no accident. another girl i met at a halloween party and she quickly adopted me as her friend…she was one of those people who MADE she that after she hung out with you…you HAD to hang out with her the next week. she made sure she was my plans. she was extremely insecure and had major issues with food. she girl would binge on food for a week and then not eat of a week. i know most of you would say drop these people. most of the girls in my town…including there mother and so many young boys have eating disorders…it’s just that common. she began to drain me. even one weekend i made plans ahead of time to go see a movie with my best friend during the week. i told her and she acting upset…as if i were her’s and no one else’s.
when we first moved to this town we moved in an average house. my mom wanted to have more children, and everytime she got pregnant we would go house hunting, but she should always miscarry…this went on for about a decade. so we remained in that house.
well my parents have always given me what i wanted ( we were poor before, but things became extremely good and we moved to this town). before we moved to this town i went to a predominately white catholic school and then i moved here which is also predominately whtie. i IMMEDIATELY saw how people treated me based on my skin color (i’m black)…i saw how people had set roles for me and expected me to stick to them…this is why even in jr high i didn’t care what people said to me or how they treated me, b/c i knew it was pure crap.
i’m not saying all, but atleast 25% of the kids i went to school with had luxury cars…like ferrari’s. i was expecting anything, but my parents bought me a black vw jetta…EXACTLY what i wanted i was so happy. so many other kids at my school had cars just like mine but acted like i was insane (and NO this is not all in my head, i have had people tell me that i’m black and that i must have stolen these things…thing a and thing b in order to have them). i just don’t think these people liked the idea of me having anything, especially if i had more than them.
so i went to a private univeristy my first year.
houstontexas on November 20th, 2009 at 12:46 am | Link
i had two roommates, who were both insecure size 6/8 girls, who were so beautiful. i was a size 2. instead of including me in things, they quickly banded against me, talked about me, would talk about me on IM when i was in the room across from them watching. would yell at me for the silliest, and would go out without me on purpose. all of my neighbors could see what was going on. i tried talking to them and they combated every word i had. i even told them that no matter what i said it didn’t matter b/c you guys are listening to a word i’m saying. and literally one of the girls said…sweeties, it doesn’t matter what you say we aren’t listening to a word you’re saying (lol…no joke). i wanted to have a positive experience w/o locking up my stuff everytime i left the room…so i moved out. they watched me on facebook even though i deleted them. and as soon as they saw halloween pictures they were desperately trying to be so nice to me.
my 2nd semester i found a lump on my right breast and was taking 18 hours. i was so stressed. i was so scared that i’d lose my breasts, my hair and my life. ’til this day i’m 22 (23 in december), a virgin, don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. i went home over spring break and went to go get my hair done (STILL waiting on this doctors appointment). i asked for a trim…i have a tendency to be nervous about people cutting my hair so she turned me around. when she was down she turned me around again…i went from a bob to a pixie cut…with the thought of cancer in my mind this did not help…i cried and cried everytime i looked in the mirror. the girl who would make me hang out with her called me up like it was so important…even showing up to my house. i was still recovering from having 3 of 6 wisdom teeth removed, but wanted to go out. this girl does nothing but yell, degrade and embarress me infront of people (she has no personality so she has to talk about everyone including her own family members). i was on medication and had enough when she started accusing me of having phone sex with some guy…some guy i hardly know. it just insane, then telling me that i needed to shut up and get over it when it came to this lump (i was on medication…don’t know why i told her).
the other girl i met from lacrosse went to a private school in NY that was 60 grand, her parents couldn’t afford it. she would call me at school trying to push her issues on my saying this like, “hey, how school??? expensive for you,” knowing that my parents could afford it. this is the same girl that i spent a whole summer with making cupcakes with every morning to sell so she could have some extra money for school.
i came hoem that summer and had surgery, thank god it wasn’t cancer. i signed for 11 hrs of school that summer and worked part time to have something constructive to do ( i was just so happy to have my health). i worked out hard and vowed not to eat crap that i don’t want to and not to listen to people who try to convince me something is wrong with my body. not to mention this cup cake girl was abusive to her mother after she lost both of her breast from breast cancer just a few months before that. naturally and luckily b/c of work i had no time for them and their negativity. i transfered school as i didn’t want to live in a college town and wanted to be in the city.
i met a few nice people. in particular i met this girl who take all of the same classes i do. i thought she would be nice to study with, but all she wanted to do was use me for help and on top of that she was jealous of me and competing with me. she would lie about her grades and when i’d tell her i made a b in a class she would try manipulate me by saying, “i thought you said you made a c”. i would basically explain online chem quizzes to her to the point where all she ahd to do was punch the numbers into the calculator. not to mention one night b4 a final i drove up to the most busiest parts of town that have a 24 hr starbucks to help her with chemistry…she sat there not attempting to absorb anything. i felt bad for her b/c she said her mom had surgery the next day. the next semester i had a doctor appointment and missed the class where they give out the password to access the notes online. i went up to school looking everywhere for the professor or TA. that girl was the only person’s number i had in that class. i didn’t want to get behind b/c the class was every other day the chapters were a long 60 pages. she kept saying she’d give me the password later…she never did. the password was watson and crick…that simple. i was walking behind this girl she was friends with but i couldn’t remember her name so i didn’t say anything. she was talking on the phone with the girl and she was telling her that i was trying to USE her…wow, just wow. then ontop of that everytime i see her she has someone “helping” her with a subject everyday that semester…she basically uses people to get her work done, but can turn around in a split second and say someone else is doing it.
houstonthewoodladnstexas on November 20th, 2009 at 1:11 am | Link
i tried being nice for a while, but then i thought i don’t need this. i haven’t done anything wrong and this girl needs to stop pretending like she’s the victim for someone needing the password “watson and crick”…my gosh…
back to that clingy drama queen and the so called nice girl. well i went to see them that thankgiving break. i had lost all the weight by just eating right and exercising. i have a mesomorphic body and put on muscle easily, so i work at putting on lean muscle which burns fat. they began to outcast me and make me feel like something is wrong with me trying to convince me that i have a problem. i got compliments from strangers all the time about how lean my legs were and what i did and my blood pressure was 92/70. by christmas i had enough of the BS and told one of them off. i gave the so called nice girl half a chance and saw her when i went to visit a friend in austin. i got a burberry headband as a gift over the christmas break and never mentioned it. when i saw her she started going on about how i didn’t need that headband and that she could make it herself. this girl spends hours on end planning a wardrobe that is designed and ‘looks” like she doesn’t care…on top of that i have never seen this girl eat a meal…NEVER…nor have i seen her nibble on bread. my best friend couldn’t stand her, not to mention she kept rubbing her hands on her bf’s thigh. i told her off…i took her number off of my phone.
houstonthewoodladnstexas on November 20th, 2009 at 1:19 am | Link
i’m not done…but i will finish this post later.
houstonthewoodladnstexas on November 20th, 2009 at 1:23 am | Link
Hi Houston…
Wow! You needed to ‘talk’ about this jealousy thing!
It sounds like you have had a lot of frustration around people and pettiness. I am A LOT older than you, so cannot relate completely. I will say this, though. I have found that I have to except some people as they are…pettiness and all. If we want “friends”, on some level, we have to forgive their ignorance (and I do mean ignorance!) and move on with life…otherwise, we will be alone all our lives. People (including us!) are so far from perfect!! 
You may be an HSP,,,highly sensitive people- person. they make up 25% of the population. There are books (Amazon) on the subject. Read the reader’s comments about the books and you may read about yourself. HSP’s notice and feel EVERYTHING!
Many people walk around in a fog, noticing little and hurting others with their clumsy ignorance. Most of the time they are completely unaware of how much they hurt others. also, they tend to band together! Oddly enough, HSP people annoy them and they will be crude/rude to show their annoyance by putting them down, ignoring them, etc.
I wish I could say that this sensitive nature goes away, but it only lightens a bit. Being highly perceptive (emotionally) is a painful life and not understood by ‘the herd’ mentality.
I have learned, most of the time, to let people be who they are. If I find them intolerable (like the ones I wrote about above) I drop them from my life.
You might want to read books on “emotional intelligence”, as well. Our schools teach us academics, but the subject of emotions is rarely touched upon. I know people (Hitler types) that are clueless about the ‘feeling world’.
I like kind, thoughtful, people (a rare breed) and just can’t help myself! Ha ha
This may all sounds paranoid, but…oh well…so be it.
petperson on November 20th, 2009 at 5:32 am | Link
Petperson- You wrote a very nice letter to Houston, and helpful suggestions, I think. You gave nice, wise, open-hearted advice, and bless you. Now I am going to be the critic.
Houston-for you to have written those incredibly long and multiple posts detailing miniscule things that filled up everybody’s inbox today, you may, in fact, have a very, very, very big ego and be extremely self-involved. I wonder if most converstions you have with your friends revolve around you…if you dominate the scene, act like the center of the universe and therefore cause resentment? I’m just saying, there may be 2 sides to this story.
Rocy on November 20th, 2009 at 3:57 pm | Link
hi peterson and rocy. i have not finished my post and no i do not think i’m the center of attention, i hardly speak about myself to these people. i too also thought that of myself and looked in the mirror. but
the reason why i’m reaching back so far as 2nd grade is that these same people who treated me so badly to this day still try to infliltrate my life but spreading rumors about me and then still attempted to reconnect with me…and after years of me trying to be nice and help out with anything possible and still being slammed, i’ve had enough.
it is only NOW that i’m realizing that these people were jealous of me. i didn’t really have a friend until around 4th grade and didn’t start speaking in class until around age 12. i was tormented (to extent people saying i wish you were dead) and made fun every single day and kept to myself, so when people started treating me like this i did not recognize what was going on, i truly felt that there something wrong with me.
i wouldn’t even tell people that a relative had died and that i’m mourning, but when prompted to do things i would tell them why. i was made fun of gossiped about and once again told to get over it.
after awhile i started to notice that all of these people were so clingy b/c so few people wanted to be around them b/c they were so toxic and just plain mean. even their family members would tell them not to treat their friends like this.
and i know i jumped around a lot in my post, but as soon as my parents decided to move to a newer slightly bigger house after high school, i went from someone who was nothing as they would put me down and make fun of me constantly to a total snob. i never tell anyone about what i have or even what my parents do for living.
anyways i gave one of the girls one last chance after her continously going through the internet trying to contact me and apologizing for how she acted for about 2 years. my best firend also told me not to talk to that girl, but i thought i’d give it another chance. as soon as we started hanging out and i was just nice and not trying to make her work for my friendship she started trying to take advantage of me. i called her out nicely, she owned up to it. but it’s like she just wouldn’t stop. i began to realize all of the so called mean people and stuck up people were not what she saying they were…b/c she kept trying to be their friends..infact i knew these people and they were quite nice and got along wtih everyone. the problem was anytime someone seemed happy she would trying to bring them down and discredit anything that person had going for them like, “oh i went for a walk today,” that would be something to angry about. and then she went into full drive taking jabs at everything i’d say or do, including deleting my own relative off of my facebook. after 6 years of me walking away and saying absolutely nothing i told her off. i knew i had to because if i was nice and left her alone she would just come back again. she made sure to tell everyone that knew me or was aquainted me that she also knew i was a bad person AFTER she owned up to everything that she did to me personally. i guess she wanted to cover her tracks.
i told her that i’d leave her number on phone b/c if she tries to call me i’ll know not to take her call. my phone accidently called her phone, she kept trying to make into me trying to contact her, i told her off again. one day i went to take a test one afternoon in the summer and came back 2 hours later to find my apt broken into. 2 days b4 that i was studying and heard my car alarm go off. i thought i was being really paranoid. as soon as i go outside it went off by itself. but the thing is my alarm never goes off except for the few times i tested it so i knew it was mine. among the things stolen from my apt was my cell phone, whoever broke in phoned my mother over and over and over agin. so i don’t know what to think.
houstonthewoodladnstexas on November 20th, 2009 at 4:43 pm | Link
Hey, Rocy,
I’m glad you jumped in here with your insights. I’ve liked your comments throughout this thread. Wise lady!
Houston, I’m into a little “overwhelm” with your complicated history with friends.Yikes! I think having one on one sessions with a therapist may be in order. You have experienced so much strife with the people in your life and you need to talk it out…big time! Perhaps, being face to face, with a professional, may be just the healing that you need!
Just a thought!
petperson on November 20th, 2009 at 5:50 pm | Link
Haha no I’m fine and I’m sure you’re still thinking NO really PLEASE get help. They did get to me and for a while I could not trust people with the simplest things. But I know I’ve changed b/c this time I confronted the person and let them ago…of course I didn’t appreciate my apt being broken into or my name being slandered. I know that I don’t need to give people a million chances when they treat me badly.
My parents always told me that I don’t need a bunch of friends I just need one good one. I deinately get it now and I do have one and we’ve been friends since the 1st day of fourth grade and I appreciate her more than ever b4 b/c it is so rare. And I can honestly say that I have never fought with her and to boot she is my polar opposite.
houston on November 20th, 2009 at 6:02 pm | Link
OMG I must add to this!!! I experienced this in people a few times and sadly one case to the degree the person sabotaged a relationship between me and another friend. It left me momentarily heartbroken, but as all things do go on in life, so did I without this person.
I am a happy person. Giving. Grateful. Truly blessed. It is a joy to me to share that with others. The people that cannot share in that too really need to go figure out what their life is about I guess.
Confident, caring, happy people don’t deserve the ugly that comes from those that have this issue.
I can honestly say I don’t hate or take away from my friends when they have joy in their lives, even if mine is not at it’s peak point. We all experience a few tough times in life. We are all human and no one is perfect, but my goodness for some of the extremes I have seen some people go to in order to hate on another for no reason other than they are simply jealous is just insane to me. Totally makes me wonder about some people.
I am glad I found this and thank you all for sharing your experiences. I wondered for a minute if this was common or rare.
Jen on November 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm | Link
Hi Everyone! I just wanted to drop in and say Happy Holidays!
Mattie on December 8th, 2009 at 3:18 pm | Link
Hi Jen, Thanks for sharing. Yes, we all seem to have a lot in common!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you, Mattie…and everybody posting here!
petperson on December 8th, 2009 at 5:37 pm | Link
Thanks Mattie & Petperson-
and being secure enough to let people be what ever the heck they be–ho ho ho…Peace*
Happy Holidays Everyone who posts here-
Here’s to having healthy boundaries, self-esteem and assertive communication through the holidays
Rocy on December 8th, 2009 at 7:55 pm | Link
Yes, “healthy boundaries” so important as we navigate through these holidays…and through this life! Ho ho ho and peace to you, Rocy!
petperson on December 9th, 2009 at 6:16 am | Link
I know what you mean. when I decided to start working out 4 months ago, I noticed my friend used to always discourage me, or try to distract me. When i mention how my workout session went that day, she would always change the subject and say ” Im not trying to lose weight, im going to eat whatever i want.” Well its been 4 months that I have been exercising, and now i look extremley good.(I looked good before, but now im a lot more toned), and she has gained 20 pounds. Now I notice she doesnt like going out to the clubs with me anymore or to the beach like we normally do together, and the few times she did go with me, I noticed that guys hit on me more, and i think shes intimidated buy that, and that hurts me a lot. Im always trying to encourage her to workout with me, but she always finds excuses.I love her a lot, and I wish she would just get off her butt and come to the gym with me, instead of moping around talking about how she needs to lose weight, and finding any excuse not to go out with me anymore. Its funny how you can gradually lose friends when you accomplish certain goals!
kittykat60621 on December 9th, 2009 at 10:21 am | Link
Discipline comes very hard for some people. Exercise repels me and I love carbohydrates!
I’m not ‘fat’ but I could lose about 20 lbs. Your friend sounds like she has a similar problem.
I admire my ’skinny’ friends and may envy them just a bit…especially their clothes! But I do make my own choices, so *duh* I never begrudge their successes!
The thing is, since I am not a youngster and can reflect, I must say good friends, fat or skinny, are very hard to come by! Lifelong friends are extremely special! I really regret losing some of my galfriends! So, don’t give up on your friend too fast. She probably is hurting. She sees you looking so good and then looks in the mirror and sees her own plump figure. (groan)
It’s easy to say that she should just do something about it, but it’s complicated. I speak from experience…it is emotional, psychological, learned eating habits, physical (hypothyroidism), etc.
Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how fond of her you are and how much you value her friendship. You might even talk about how hard it has been for you to go to these workouts and to continue maintaining your routine.Let her know how important this is to you…not only for looks, but the way you feel…your health!
Find things to do with her that doesn’t involve looking spectacular (like going to clubs)…do comfortable thing, like going to a movie, taking walks, experimenting with great tasting, low fat, recipes together… Maybe take Tai chi together. That is a fun activity and one can wear loose clothes and exercise in a fun, not-so-embarrassing, way!
Well, some things to think about. If she doesn’t respond to these acts of friendship/kindness then perhaps, give her some space for awhile. don’t break it off for good! Sometimes, time apart heals a lot. Good luck!!! I’m off to have a brownie!
petperson on December 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am | Link
i was searching the internet about this when i came across this site, but before i found this site i found this:
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=56031
petperson is right you should try to encourage her, but don’t bend over backwards, b/c some people just want you to be where they’re at. i’ve tried to take people to gym with me and all they do is complain and go back to their old habits. whether it’s extreme dieting/starvation and just nothing at all. people really have to do it for themselves.
houstontexas on December 9th, 2009 at 11:58 am | Link
I have the same problem. It took me some time to realize it, but now it is plain to see. Women don’t make good friends. This friend is envious, If is say I took the Metra, she will say she only likes the rock island train, even though she doesn’t ride it. She is not supportive, changes the subject when I talk. When I need support she just blows me off and then talks about her repeated problems over and over. Or she will purposely just say words like she is listening. It is like dead air with her when I talk. Now I am very sippy towards her because I know she is very jealous and hateful and I am tired of her. I returned back to school to get my MSW and now she claims she is going back to school. It is really sad, but I think what I will is stop calling her. when she does call I won’t answer. She is a loser and a user. I don’t go out a lot. I like to read. Everytime she calls, it is “girl my friend call me for this and that.” Even though she is a moocher and mooches off of people for food and drinks. She somehow tries to run it in with me. I really don’t like people like her. She told me for Christmas she went to a friends house for dinner.. a moocher and took 3 places home. I told her I went to my sisters and I had old gifts from last year unopened and I wrapped one of those nice gifts for christmas and gave it to my sister. She blurted out “that’s tacky.” and this girl just admitted to mooching off of a friend with 3 plates. I am so tired of her put downs. i don’t want to wake up one day void of my self esteem because I allowed this in my life and it slowly chipped away at me. I think I will cut all strings and stop talking to her. Now I am really starting not to like her beause there is just no cause for this. She just blows my conversations off like “oh well.” So I know what you mean. I too will start looking for a male companion, they make the best friends. I was too busy with work and school, but I need a best friend and men make the best of friends.
sinthea on December 29th, 2009 at 2:34 am | Link
I do know this…friendship involves a lot of forgiveness, otherwise, we will spend life alone. And that’s no fun. ;]
We have to step back and decide what we can live with…does the person have enough ‘good points’ to hang in there with them? It sounds like this particular friend doesn’t have many.
My problem with men friends is that my hubby isn’t too excited about me dining, going to movies, etc. with a guy! Lol I will add that I wouldn’t be too thrilled with him spending his little bit of free time with another woman! And so it goes.
petperson on December 30th, 2009 at 9:13 am | Link
I thought I’d never feel the way I have been feeling these days, but I guess that’s what life is all about: new challenges.
Something great is happening to me professionally, but not ONE, and I really do mean NOT ONE person is happy for me. I am beyond hurt and surprised that the people I have shown nothing but love and support to for as long as I have known them have betrayed me like this. I always put people’s interest before my own and more times than not, I am always about everyone else’s issue, problems, happiness and whatever else. The one time something great happens to me, I cannot get a single person to show me some support or even care.
How can I possibly call these people friends? Such a big thing has happened to me, and all of them have just ignored it and me. It hurts. It really hurts. I’m not looking for big words or anything - just a little ackowledgement.
I’m not to sure why I’m even writing this, but it does feel good.
Thank you.
Rose
Rose on January 3rd, 2010 at 8:59 pm | Link
I’m sorry, Rose. I know so well what you are saying and feeling. It does hurt when those who you thought were friends and loved ones, cannot ‘be there’ for you during these special times. I have decided that they cannot overcome their feelings of jealousy.
Also, some people have very low ‘emotional intelligence’. Regardless, it hurts terribly.
Well, congratulations, Rose!!!! We have to forgive our ‘friends’ for their, sometimes, awful slights/behavior etc…otherwise, we will have no friends!
petperson on January 3rd, 2010 at 9:25 pm | Link
Good read…I am struggling with a friend that is very jealous & envious and has gone rather nutso on me a few times this year.
We work together too as well as knowing each other for 15 years now.
While I don’t take it personally as I know she is this way with many others too, I have set boundaries and have spoken up, encouragingly as well as assertively.
I agree we have to be forgiving but…there is also a limit on what we should put up with. I have let a few mean comments and unsupportive behaviors go, BUT….if it continues in the future I am prepared to distance and only be involved in our business situations.
I too am a very happy and caring, supportive person…I am not the jealous and envious type at all.
There is no more poisonious emotions than pathological jealousy & envy. Many narcissistic personalities have this issue…something else to look at.
Laurie on January 13th, 2010 at 7:36 pm | Link
I am so there with u. But understand, eagles fly alone.
Nells on January 14th, 2010 at 4:52 pm | Link
Hi Laurie,
Setting boundaries is good. I guess I feel that if a “friend” leaves me feeling ‘down’ after I’ve left her/him, well, how long do I want to repeat that experience? Not too long.
There are ‘mean’ people ‘out there’ and we have to protect ourselves!
When we are around someone who is kind, thoughtful, with good ‘vibes’, it’s like a breath of fresh air! We feel good after being with them! Surrounding yourself with people like this is healthy. We should avoid those who leave us psychologically drained! .
Life is pretty short, really, so why not choose to be with emotionally intelligent people?
petperson on January 14th, 2010 at 6:23 pm | Link
Hi
Having the same problem? You have to realize its their problem not yours, rise above it all. If they speak to you just say hi, do not compromise your own dreams please follow your own dreams. A Old wise lady told me this, what goes around comes around, so dont get revenge, just shrug it off and dont tell them any struggles you are having if they ask or speak to you be “positive” and talk about positive things about you or whats happening in the world.Be polite (If you can). Thats about it. If they are still doing this. Tough its not your problem. Another friend told me to be myself thats ok and it is. She also told be p*** them off. Well if things never improve do that. dont give in to their childishness.Theirs bigger things in life to get on with than these little minded people. There really is so so so, much more to life and good friendships. Hope you are going ok.Dont compromise yourself. God bless. JH
Jane on February 1st, 2010 at 7:01 pm | Link
Forgot to tell you this
You say youre a good listener etc. Well dont listen to their rubbish which it is and your very caring, hey start being gentle with you and take very much “care” of yourself you are very important and special too, we all are you have the right to take responsibility foryourself and take care of you first thats your birthright.Please take care of you first, because they are and taking advantage of you. UP THEM.You can do better, come on you can! JH
Jane on February 1st, 2010 at 7:08 pm | Link
Thanks, Jane for your suggestions. It sounds like you have had a lot of experience in this area!
petperson on February 2nd, 2010 at 1:03 pm | Link
Petperson, I so agree with your latest post! Generally, if I get an invite out, I will respond according to my heart. If I feel great and looking forward to it, I’ll go. If not - if there is a feeling of discomfort or dread (yeah, it can be that bad) - then I just make up an excuse and get out of it. Maybe lying isn’t always the best practice, but sometimes, particularly if the person is pushing me to hang out, it gives me time to get my thoughts in order. Sometimes I can get a bit worked up over these things and I’ll end up feeling so pressured that I am overly blunt about my feelings. There’s a delicate balance that I haven’t mastered when it comes to boundaries, and I am trying to learn how to be tactful rather than hurtful. (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!)
In the meantime, there’s a quote I keep on my desk and I think it really helps me make decisions. I would like to share it with you all. It’s by Louis L’Amour, from the book, “Ride the River: The Sacketts”:
“Do not let yourself be bothered by the inconsequential. One has only so much time in this world, so devote it to the work and the people most important to you, to those you love and things that matter. One can waste half a lifetime with people one doesn’t really like, or doing things when one would be better off somewhere else.”
Just love that.
Mattie on February 6th, 2010 at 10:54 am | Link
Hi Mattie,
Thanks for that great quote! If we could live by that, we would find peace. I think men have an easier time of saying “for-get-about-it than we ladies do! Lol I know I go into a quandary over way too many things. I was once told that I was too conscientious! This has been my ‘cross’.
Thanks for your note. I think you are on the right track!
petperson on February 8th, 2010 at 4:32 pm | Link
ha! ya i totally agree. i dont understand what the hell is the matter with all of these miserable people… gawd.. they are all pathetic.. we are all human its normal for people to feel jealousy, but to a varying degree, no one is perfect and i have felt it aswell. but it has never consumed my core.. the way i think it consumes jealous people, and i jsut dont undertand these evil hearted people. we live in a very competitive world, people will do anything to bring you down if you are successful… i’ve had this many a times with friends none which i’m close with anymore. This just happened with a friend i had for ten years!!! the thing is anytime good things happend to any of my friends i was always genuienly happy for them.. beucase i was alwyas busy with my own things. and even when i wasnt i got a kick out of seeing them grow as people.. ( one team one dream) so it was so dissapointing to see the look of jealousy on thier face..
what i have learned is this.. if you set a goal in life and are busy working towards acheiving it, miserable people will try and take you down.. so how to eliminate the loosers?
(regarding the words “looser”, “pathetic” and “miserable” , i know it sounds harsh, but im sorry thats what these people are! )
how to eradicate the loosers.
1) self preservation. (dont talk too much about future goals)
2) weed people out, hangout with people that have thier lives in order. i find the people that are happy and have goals are too busy to be jealous becuase they have so much going on..
3) if you meet someone and soon come to find out that they are jealous or have the potential of being jealous ditch them and look for new friends. its just not worth dealing with. i am much happier now even though i only have a handful friends but the few i have are rock solid!
niceguy86 on February 9th, 2010 at 10:18 pm | Link
You are very descriptive in your writing!
Also, you are ‘right on’!! Being successful is tough on relationships! It shouldn’t be that way, but it can sure weed out the jealous ones! I’m glad you have found a few “rock solid” friends who can stand in your light and enjoy it! Thanks for your comments!
petperson on February 10th, 2010 at 5:54 am | Link
I have read most of what was said on the subject. I would like to add my honest feelings here. I have just lost 5kg after working my behind off every day. One of my closest friends has made the comment ” i dont know why youre walking every day, you dont look any thinner to me”.
I dont want to sound like the world revolves around me, but i felt and still feel very hurt weeks later. I was 100kg and now 95kg. it took me about 5months to take 5 kilos off. the healthy, slow way. I would like just a little respect, or if its not too hard a little encouragement.what really irritates me is that when youre fat everyone says lose some weight your health is going to suffer, but when you start they speak out of envy and discourage you. well i am not blaming anyone, i just wanted to share. i do wish to forgive her from the bottom of my heart. a little forgiveness goes a long way. KEEP SMILING PEOPLE, there are worse things than hurt feelings. thanks for reading. bye
sue on February 11th, 2010 at 2:06 am | Link
Hi Sue,
I hate to say this, but your “friend” is not a friend…not at all! What a mean, very jealous, remark to make!! Come on! What a brat! I can think of another “B” word, as well. (sorry) Lol
I don’t know why people say and do things like this, but I have had this very same experience! I remember, one time, after losing quite a bit of weight and buying an adorable outfit, I met the ‘green-eyed monster’, jealousy, head on! I had gone to lunch with some girlfriends, just knowing they, would be thrilled for me, and not one of them said one word!!! I mean, you can see when a person has dropped twenty five pounds!!! The cute little red dress I was wearing showed every new ‘curve’ (tastefully) and I was sooo proud of myself! One girl even said something ’snotty’ about a necklace I had on…an unusual vintage piece that belonged to my mother.
I went home, alone, feeling so sad that no one could be gracious enough to congratulate me! I think it was the beginning, for me, to not trust ‘friendship’, again.
Well, I am too heavy, once again, and have started a new regime to lose weight, get healthier, etc., and truthfully, I don’t expect anyone to notice, comment..none of it. Jealousy is rampant and I know that, now. If some gracious person does notice and says something encouraging, I will realize how special they are and give them a big hug!! They are out there…the sweet/kind ones!! I’ll never give up on that possibility!!
Thanks for sharing your story and please, please, keep up the good work!!! In fact, become more determined to reach your gorgeous, thinner self, goals…for health and great looks, too!!! Let us know how you are doing! xo’s
petperson on February 11th, 2010 at 8:11 am | Link
You’ve probably got no friends because you just go on and on about how fantastic you are. You sound like a real jerk, I wouldn’t want to hang out with you either!
Charlotte on February 17th, 2010 at 3:18 am | Link
Speaking of “real jerks”…
petperson on February 17th, 2010 at 5:49 am | Link
Well done, Pet Person:)
P.S. Charlotte gets jealous of people over e-mail whom she’s never even met! We should do a study of her to further understand this “jealousy” thing
Rocy on February 17th, 2010 at 11:10 am | Link
i know i never said anything b4, but i’ll say it now. i believe rocy and petperson began to attack and tell me i’m full of myself and that the way people were treating me was petty.
yea right. i call it jealously. i had a feeling that saying someone i considered a friend trying to put me down about a burberry headband would invoke people to quickly call me a snob and full of myself…which is why i felt the need to explain that the majority of the people i grew up with were upper middle and up. a headband is a headband… BUT… if it’s from burberry it would certainly have the traditional plaid that all things from burberry have…which is why it was easily recognizable.
i doubt petperson and rocy even finished reading what i had to say. i don’t know how deaths in my family and cancer scares and surgeries could come off as nonsense. and okay enough reason for people to be out right cruel to me and happy to see my fall.
what it seems like is a little bit of jealously and riding me off…b/c i basically had a the same things to say as everyone else.
no petperson did come back and say something about my apt being broken into, but rocy had nothing to say. i don’t think she should have to comment on my post but she was quick to dismiss me foolish…and then after explaining other things to not say anything at all…BUT still be here to comment on everyone else’s post instead of owning up to her being wrong for riding me off.
i shouldn’t have to explain what house i live or b4 i moved into whatever house…
bottom line is people were treating me like crap who i thought were my friends and i did NOT deserve it.
houston texas on February 19th, 2010 at 12:06 pm | Link
i didn’t live in poverty for long, but living in it…not being able to go outside when i pleased (bad neighborhood), not always having food, heat, or cool air (in texas) wasn’t great. my parents worked their butts off as african immigrants in american…and i’ll be damned if i’ll let anyone make me feel bad having.
and people with this “you need to talk to someone about this” c’mon guys. don’t say it’s because i live in a small texas town. i for the most part grew up outside of houston in a masterplanned community. racism persists everywhere in this country. if you grew up in the suburbs or went to a predominately white school most of the people were prejudice towards blacks including other minorities. it doesn’t matter if you live in liberal califoria or nyc (trust me my dad worked for wall street for sometime), so guys OPEN YOUR EYES.
houston texas on February 19th, 2010 at 12:11 pm | Link
I am soooooo happy to find all of you. I have been repeatedly hurt by friends, relatives, even my own mum & felt very lonely. For the past two years I had a friend whom I considered ‘The perfect friend’ only to see the pattern happen again after I got my dream job. She was very good to me, she was the one who pushed me to pursue this position ‘university faculty’ when all I saw in myself was a housewife. Her encouragement pulled me out of my midlife crisis & I got the job. The minute I got she turned against me. I didn’t see it at first & kept consulting her on various issues concerning relationships with my coworkers,…etc. I kept giving her the credit for what I reached. I repeatedly thanked her, & told her & everybody we know that she was the reason of my success. I also got her a big gift & still feel she deserves more for seeing something in me & changing my life so much. Despite all that she is constantly against me now that I am successful. Whenever I tell her about something good that happened at work she belittles it & makes fun of me. She stopped calling me. I kept maintaining contact but she would get angry about strange things, things that never angered her before!!! I apologize to her even if it doesn’t make sense & always tell her that our relationship is very valuable to me & that I never ever mean to make her sad. One day when something very good happened to me at work & she was angry with me, I called her & told her how I could not enjoy my success because she was angry & apologized again (although the issue was a joke I made about her cooking, which was perfectly ok before & which also is the kind of remark she gives me & others several times a day without seeing it hurtful at all). Her actions are not making any sense anymore to me. She is 10 years older than me & she has always dreamed of having the same job I got, but her education does not qualify her. She has been causing me a lot of pain lately, but I do not want to leave her because I know she is the reason of my success. What should I do??
Laura on March 8th, 2010 at 2:43 am | Link
Hi Houston,
I can totally feel what you are going through! Somehow, I think our “friends” can be there for us when we are down, but can’t stand the success stories! It actually hurts them to hear or see us in a situation that they would love to be living.
Pay attention in your own ‘inner life’ when you see very highly successful people…maybe their homes, relationships, vacations they take, etc. If you feel a “twinge” of jealousy, you will know what your friend is feeling! Since you are close, she hears all of your successes and just can’t take it.
I have actually played down my life and even mentioned ‘negative’ aspects of it (we all have the negatives!) to keep certain friends ‘friendlier’. I know, very weird!
I have given up on people who are so jealous that they continue to ‘bring me down’ with snotty comments! Life is too short!
You could try being real honest with this friend (before giving her some ’space’). When she hurts you, with one of her comments, say something like, “What you said has hurt my feelings…are you angry with me about something” …” You are my friend and I love you, but, sometimes, the way you say things can hurt”…my life isn’t perfect, I want our friendship to be friendly…I want us to be there for one another”…sharing in a kind way”…maybe you don’t realize that you hurt me sometimes, but I needed to tell you”, etc..
Longtime friends are hard to find, but if someone continues to hurt you, unthinkingly, just cruelly jealous…whatever, it’s time to leave. There are a few nice, thoughtful, people out there, so start up a new friendship…build history together.
Taking constructive suggestions, without being offended, is a good thing in friendship and we must always listen in an open way. Perhaps, there is something we could do differently. I think most of us can ‘feel’ it when jealousy/cruelty is involved.
Let us know how you are doing!!
petperson on March 8th, 2010 at 8:16 am | Link
Oooops! I meant the above email for Laura!!!
:) 
petperson on March 8th, 2010 at 8:23 am | Link