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My Biggest Complaint About Friends Being Jealous of Me

Ok I have had this big problem probably since I was in college. Before I get to that, I have been very blessed. I came from an underpriviledged, broken home but I ended up graduating from college, finding the wonderful, handsome husband, getting a great job, having a beautiful baby, then leaving work to be a stay at home mom, and getting a new house and new car. I advanced in my job and I advanced into leadership in my church. I can sing and do this a lot at churches and such.

This is all great, but I have always felt kind of lonely in the area of friendships. I call my husband my best friend because I can never seem to have a lasting friendship with women. My bridal party was sad. It was an older woman from church and some in laws.

I’m pretty sure jealousy is the problem. I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me. I really don’t feel like being in relationships where I can never talk about my life, my feelings, current events, etc. To me, that’s not a friendship. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? Am I doomed to no genuine friends in my life?

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242 Comments

  1. The older I have gotten the more I have noticed the exact thing, and yes it has come with success. People tend not to like to associate with positive, attractive, successful, happy people. It was interesting reading your complaint because the when you said “I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me.” I swear I have said those exact words!

    I had a coworker tell me once that I have too much confidence and I come across arrogant. I am a “take charge” kind of guy but I have learned, especially since I am not managing people anymore to keep my opinions and suggestions to my self. I am using this outside of the office as well.

    Work is the worst, and I have finally realized that no one here is my friend and no one here will ever be my friend.

    On a positive note, I haven’t given up hope. I still put forth the effort to relate to people and find friends. Hopefully one day, it will happen for both of us.

  2. you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.

  3. I might add also that others HATE to hear that everything is “perfect” for you when their lives may be falling apart.

    If I’ve learned anything important in life it is to listen and actually HEAR what others are saying. My husband and I are much like you (except the church stuff), he enjoys bragging about our home, cars, vacations and I don’t. If someone asks I’ll gladly tell them about our cruise or European trips and show them pictures. He enjoys being admired for all he’s achieved and often complains if he doesn’t get acknowledgment. I’m totally different, in that I know what we’ve achived and I get a little “high” just for myself in knowing that we are successful and have arrived in life.

    I also know that 1 minute can take away or change everything. So I never take anything for granted. Don’t let others sway you, always stay true to yourself.

    Leona

  4. No matter what you do, people are always going to be insecure about themselves, and will project that onto you in the form of jealousy, resentment, hatred, whatever. It’s what people do. Nothing you can change about yourself, your life, or your hard work and success will change the other person’s mind and heart. If a girl friend is jealous of you because you know how to save money to get the things you want, but she is stuck on the morning latte factor, and lotto tickets and smokes she just “has” to have, she’ll never be able to understand how to save money like you. That makes her feel stupid, which makes her buy more junk to make herself feel better, which makes her have less money, which makes her more jealous. She can’t figure out that if she just quit smoking and exercised, she’d look, feel, and be better off. Her mind just can’t understand it. That’s just how she’s made. You can’t make her understand any more than she’s willing to understand in her own power.

    I’m sorry that’s not a happy answer, but I’m in EXACTLY the same boat and feel just like you do. It’s getting so predictable that I know just what silly switch to throw to get them to go into a tizzy over something stupid. Why are these people still around me? They do me no good! It’s sad that people have to be so insecure and jealous. It’s sad that people can’t be happy for you because you try and work and save and do the right thing. But that’s how petty and small people are.

    I’m looking for a new church group now to try and find some more like minded individuals, at least maybe some more intelligent people, so we’ll see if I turn up any new friends. 2009 is my year to grow and if I have to shed these others, so be it. I can’t spend my life catering to those around me who need to be coddled every second of the day.

    I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s the attitude you have to take sometimes. You have to take care of #1 first, and sometimes, you have to learn that it has to be ok that you can’t help everybody around you.

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!

  5. “you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.”

    Listen to the wisdom of what Mark is saying there with that one line.

    If the people you used to be friends with are no longer comfortable with you, chances are it’s because YOU’VE changed. It won’t be enough for you to find new people to be your friends. You need to find a new TYPE OF PERSON for you to get a long with.

    Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.

  6. It would be great if somehow we could all find eachother and all be friends.. wonder if it would work? :)

    we all seem to be having the same problem with these other people (our ‘friends’) who don’t know how to deal with the fact that we have happiness and success in our lives.

    so as AdventrCapitalist said we need to “Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.”

    I would also love to have some true friends.. maybe this is a good place to start :))

  7. Wow! What a great site. I am going through this exact experience. I am midlife and I feel like I have almost no friends. Petty jealousy, lack of interest, intimidated. I don’t know what it is. And yes, I’ve recently had one friend just phase me out. So, something about me has changed. Is it my working out? I don’t know.
    I don’t rub things in to make people feel bad. I am nice, compassionate, caring person who has a lot of interests. I have a very devoted husband and he and I are best friends. I have two kids that keep me busy, busy, busy but in a good way. I do not have the perfect marriage, I do not have perfect kids, and I do not have a perfect life. Perfect is for another planet. The best I can hope for is incremental improvement on this planet and to be humble and grateful for all the good things I have.
    I keep hoping to run into other women that are considerate, interesting, and have a variety of interests. Our family does a lot with our church, but frankly, I have often found almost the most resentment and pettiness from people I have met there.
    Do I have crummy things going on in my life? Absolutely, but attitude is everything. Happiness is not due to circumstance, but by our attitude. I choose to be happy even if there are many things in my life that are going really crummy. Somehow, I think people might assume since I am “happy”, that this means I don’t have anything crummy going on in my life.
    The lack of friendship or jealous friends is a much more common experience than I have ever imagined. Any input is appreciated.

  8. Plantperson,
    I spent all last year phasing out a friend who was constantly lying, ignoring, mistreating me, abusing our trust by telling others intimate things about me that were private. She is a martyr, denies any wrong doing, asks to work on saving our friendship, begs forgiveness…

    Then last night we went to a function for a mutual friend and she BLATANTLY IGNORED ME. I waved my arms over my head in an attempt to get her attention, to say hello from my seat, and she looked right through me. By phasing her out, I never said I would never speak to her again, but placed her at ‘acquaintence’ level and did not trust her with my heart. Her answer to this is to pretend I am now invisible. This is one of the thousand reasons why I phased this friendship out. It only hurts me, it does not benefit me.

    You choose to be happy and make the most out of this blessed life that God has given you? Great! That’s all it takes for people to be jealous, intimidated, and hate you. That’s it! Should you start hating your life and cursing God up and down and take up smoking crack so that you have a ‘real’ problem that people can feel sorry for? Hell no! No matter what you do, you will intimidate people, make them jealous, insecure, upset, and make them hate their own life to some degree. There’s nothing you can do.

    Am I lonely for a friend now, a real friend? Yes. Will I grab just anyone so I won’t be friendless? No. Do I have a variety of interests? Yes. Could I be your friend? Sure. haha All I ask is that you love YOU, know who you are and where you’re going in life, and enjoy sharing you with me as I walk this path. That’s it.

    What’s so hard about that??? I wish I knew…

  9. Hi Carrie:

    Thanks for the post. I think you did the right thing in phasing this “nasty person” out of your life. There is no positive benefit to being around a person like that. You have to protect yourself.
    I have found that I need to learn how to disappoint others so I can be true to myself. I wouldn’t worry about her ignoring you. Let it go. I have been in a similar situation where this woman was a chronic rude b899h to me no matter how nice I was to her. After five years of this crummy treatment and trying to “turn the other cheek”, I made a New Year’s Resolution that I am done. I know that from time to time there will be contact because of mutual friends but I’ll say hi and leave it at that. I’ve already walked away from her once and she seemed pretty surprised that I told her I had to leave and walked away.
    I know who I am and I suppose that is scary to a lot of people too because they don’t want to deal with the baggage inside themselves. Sometimes the scariest place we could go is inside our own minds.
    Anyhow, it is interesting to see what a common experience this is. I had no idea how many people struggle with jealousy issues. Either their own or because they are insecure about someone else.
    By the way, jealous, mean people will never feel sorry for you. They take great satisfaction in knowing someone they are jealous of is having a rough time. They are not sorry for that person, they are gloating. They see niceness as a weakness. So, I’ve had to change my paradigm on how I think about friendship and get really picky about who I’ll invest time in. A lot like dating and marriage I suppose.
    Have a good Valentine’s Day. Keep in touch.
    Plantperson

  10. what can I say,..
    If jealous friends come to your life, it is because they want to be like you.. just wanna be like you.. everythings gonna be alright, dont worry be happy..

  11. Hi Everyone,

    I’m so glad I found this website ~ I am sorry all of you have gone through the same thing, but it is nice to know that other people are going through the same things I am. All day today I felt like i had no true friends. I guess I couldn’t help it, because the other day my “so called friend” and I went to a childs birthday party and every time I started a conversation with her the talk always turned to “her” children. I feel like she is so jealous of my 1 (soon to be 2) year old daughter because she gets a lot of compliments from people, but I can’t help that - I also can’t help that maybe her children don’t. It’s such a shame. I felt like she was at least the one person I could count on to be a good friend, but ever since we had children she’s been so selfish.

    Its true, people do let jealousy get a hold of them. I am not a conceited person, but I am confident, caring, nice, friendly, outgoing, and successful (gave up my job to be a stay at home Mom) and I just don’t see why some people get hung up on that. The friend I spoke about above has also made several comments to me about being a stay at home Mom too like:”what do you do all day”, “don’t you get bored” or the famous “I just have to go to work every day or I’d go nuts” ~ yes, this from the same person who several months back wished she could be a stay at home Mom and who also complained about her hubby not making enough money.

    Oh, well, thanks for listening and I’m glad I got to read all your stories and vent a little - I feel better already :-)

  12. Wow, I just found this tonight..and I sooooo needed it!! Thatnks to everyone who shared! I don’t feel so alone now. I feel like a few of my “friends” and even family members have been treating me differently the past year..ever since I graduated college, got an amazing boyfriend, and started acting happier (more positive) about things. I am a very compassionate person and I wondered how certain people could be treating me so bad..then it finally hit me that they were jealous.;.because the “bad” things they usually said were almost ALWAYS about things they did not have! Sad. :-( I want them to be happy too! For themselves- for their own lives! I don’t want them to feel jealous- it’s not a compliment to me at all! (Some people might say that) It only hurts them and me as well. It is becoming a lonely place though..not having anyone to really trust or rely on. But I am SO grateful to have God (he is my ultimate best friend) and my wonderful boyfriend who is my other ‘best friend’ :-) Well, thanks again to everyone who shared..I guess we just have to remember to stay true to ourselves and stay positive no matter what.

  13. Wow! I am glad I found this little thread too. I haven’t read all of the posts, but I will post my own story, since it belongs on this board. I have a friend who is psychotically jealous of all of her friends (including me). She falsely believes that getting married and having a baby will bring her unending happiness. Each time one of our friends gets pregnant/engaged/married, she whines incessantly about how “everything just works out for everyone else.” It’s like she is forgetting that some of these people got knocked up and are now in miserable marriages, or people might be married but they are having affairs…and yet she still says they have everything she wants. She tried to force her ex-boyfriend to marry her–spent years trying to convince him to do it. Then he dumped her. Then she started dating (well actually being a f**k buddy to) another guy who told her numerous times that he did not want to get serious with her. Yet she continued to be delusional and think that they were on the road to marriage. So recently I met someone really wonderful. Things are definitely getting more serious and I am excited to have found someone who treats me like I am the most important person in his life. So…she dropped me like a hot potato. This is someone I’ve been extremely friends with for like 15 years. Before this new guy, I hadn’t had a date in an entire year, and she couldn’t find it in her heart to be happy that I found someone who has potential? All I can say is that if she can’t change her attitude, I hope she never calls me again!

  14. WOW- I am so glad to find a board chatting about this. Like all the previous posters, I have come to the realization that so-called friends often want to change subject conversation due to jealousy. And I just don’t understand it. I never try to rub anything in. I listen well. I enjoy hearing other people’s opinions as well as my own. YET there always comes a point where it seems friends want to change course when we start discussing things that show references of my successes. Or they just offer no further input or discussion. They just say “yeah.” Why is that?? I’m not trying to rub anything in, I just want to hear some sort of opinion or feelings on the matter- but they offer nothing and either try to change course or just say “yeah” and then go quiet.
    I’ve pretty much narrowed this down to jealousy. But why? Why cant a friend be happy over a dream I achieved or a goal I reached? Aren’t friends supposed to be happy for you?
    It’s unfortunate that so many people are just so shallow. Makes me wonder if I ever had any “real” friends because so many people turn out to be disappointing.

  15. It is so good to know that there are other people out there who have the same questions! I have always been a people-pleaser in that I put the needs of my friends and family before my own, spend 90% of discussions of the listening end and always went above and beyond to help people. A couple of years ago, I started dating a really great guy and naturally became a little less accessible to my friends (I am still very much there for all of them, just not above and beyond as I once was). When I got into a serious relationship, I realized there hadn’t been many activities we had done together outside or drinking or the pick up bar scene. I am at an age (25) where some of us are settling down while others are still actively on the bar scene. My friends constantly take little jabs at my “suburban lifestyle” and how I am old before my time because I have a dog and often prefer to go on long hikes, the dog park, etc. They constantly complain about how they “never see me anymore” even though I always come to them (in other words, they have never stepped foot in the [god awful] suburbs to see me). I have been placed on the “Do not call” list… even though I still make it out to see them at least once a week!

    I guess I am just surprised that no one seems to notice or care that I am healthier and happier than I have ever been. When I was going through a tough time in life, my friends were there for me and were incredible supportive…. but now that I am happy, no one seems to want to share that with me! I am thriving in my career, feel better about myself, have a great boyfriend, yet I feel like I have to point out the negatives in my life in order for anyone to pay attention or relate to me. Whenever I share an accomplishment or happy experience, my friend ask probing negative questions to discredit the experience.

    I recently go into a great graduate program, and when I casually told my friends about it a couple of nights ago, they said “cool, that is great news… so anyway…” but somehow looked incredibly disappointed while saying “congratulations”.

    I feel so alone because I make such an effort to listen to people, point out the positive things in their lives and make them feel good about themselves, while emphasizing with both their happiness and sadness. Yet, I don’t feel that this kind of genuine interest in people is reciprocated at all.

    Anyway, I still haven’t pinpointed what is going on with my friendships, but I hate the thought of giving up on people I have been so close too for so long :(

  16. Just to update any reading this thread, the phased out friend I spoke of earlier is still ignoring me. Since then, I’ve gone through a few deaths in the family, minor surgery, depression, writer’s block…you name it…and when I finally got a chance to sit down with another friend (who mutually knows the phased out friend) she was indeed shocked at my weight loss over the stress and depression of the past few months.
    HOWEVER, I got not one single, solitary word of sympathy OR a hand reaching out to tell me it would be alright. There was no support from this other friend. Her answer was:
    “Damn, I wish I could loose weight when I was depressed!” She then switched topics back to herself and children for the remainder of our visit.

    I had thought to have been rid of the jealous friend, only to trade over to another.

    Nice to know my weight loss and family loss is not enough to spurn her into at least faking being concerned for me. Not one word of sympathy, either. I’m not asking her to cry me a river over people she has never met, but is she SO jealous she can’t even throw me one bone? ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is too much to extend? I’m hurting here, and she can’t even pretend to care!!

    Maybe I’ll just stop talking to everyone I know, as I am rapidly loosing faith and trust in those around me. Seriously! And don’t tell me that it didn’t occur to her to say those things to me. What is the first word out of your mouth when someone tells you that they had a death in the family? “I’m sorry”. Maybe I’ll go be a hermit….

  17. Thanks so much for starting this post. I was feeling bad today, like what’s wrong with me to have had so many people in my life that didn’t want me to do well. I came from a very diffiicult background but have just kept on keeping on, and I’m doing O.K. now. Not a dream life, or even close to what some people on here have described, but for me, pretty good. I am disgusted by the way so called friends have begrudged me my little successes, esp. since I was always genuinely happy for them.
    I broke up with 2 of these “friends” this month, and I’ve been feeling alternately relieved and emotionally bruised, and the aforementioned “what’s wrong with me” :)
    It does make me feel better to see so many tell the same stories. Thank you for sharing. I feel stronger already.
    And Carrie-I have so been where you are right now. Please don’t let the stinkers win. Hang in there and focus on the things that give you happiness. I am sorry for your losses. There is nothing like losing a loved one. Peace and blessings to you, Sister.

  18. Hi everyone!
    I can’t believe that this is actually true. I have been feeling the same way. It seems all of my “good” friends became jealous of me ever since I started doing good in my life. I am very attentive and caring, but my best friend (whom I am no longer friends with) would never even care to listen to anything that was happening with me. She would stay silent on the phone and I sometimes felt like I was doing a monologue until I finally decided she is not worth talking to anymore. After all, friends should be happy for you when you are doing good. I am very nice and willing to meet new people, but I feel that when I offer to hang out or go for coffee, people just want to avoid me and never actually follow up on plans. I sometimes feel that it is my fault and I am doing something wrong, but then I realized that I am a much nicer person than a lot of other people and that girls just may be jealous of me and not want to make friends with me. I have gotten used to it by now and it does feel lonely sometimes as I don’t have a big family either and have no one really close to share things with, but I understand that the world can be lonely and if no one else loves you, you should always care about yourself and love yourself and be aware of people’s true intentions. I know a saying which goes something like “If you say you have many true friends, you are either lying or you don’t know what a true friend is”

  19. I am wondering if many of you are in the Los Angeles area? I would be interested in starting a Meetup group for people who are doing well, happy in their lives, etc… I’m sure it would attract a diverse group of people happy in different fields, life styles, etc… well, it’s an idea :)
    I joined a “happy” group in L.A. recently, but I found the leader to be not so happy and rather obviously sexist. Eek. That’s another story, men who are not happy specifically for women being happy and successful. A lot of these posts are about the bitchy friend-girls, but I have had my share of bitchy boyfriends, too. So if there are any out there who might like to start a group of men & women who are happy for both men and women to be happy, hit me back. ;)

  20. The tone of this post reminds me distinctly of an ex-friend of mine. Before I stopped talking to her, she had told me of a few friends she had lost here and there, or friends she would have fights with, and her excuse was always that they were jealous of her. In one instance, I knew the woman she was having the fight with, and I can assure you that woman was not jealous, nor had any reason to be. This ex-friend seemed incapable of acknowledging other people might be just as happy as her. In my case, she would often greet me by asking “what’s wrong?”, and regularly treat me as though I *should* be jealous of her. In the end, I was too insulted to want to be friends with her anymore. I understand it is possible to have trouble making friends when you are successful and happy, and that some people out there are genuinely jealous people, but there are also instances where people preemptively ruin a friendship by assuming the people around them are jealous. I know I’m playing the devil’s advocate, but it is important to think about what you say and why you say it, and make sure you are not trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously feeling like you are better than them.

  21. If you talk in person the way you talk online (’We have soooo much money! I’m sooooo nice! My life is sooooo perfect!’) it’s no wonder people get tired of you.

  22. in my case,the frenemy is a person I had cut off in the past,because her jealousy of me was getting downright psychotic,with her showing up at my jobs and copying my clothes/mannerisms and stalking me,she also will stalk guys you date and its always an “accident” when she bumps into him. She also visits psychics in hopes they will tell her about the “suffering” others will go through,and revels in this. She really thinks this is funny,not realizing how sad she really is. I no longer tell her personal info because it will either make her mad if its good news,or happy if its not. I even question if we are friends at all. It seems like we are twenty percent out of a hundred,with us only writing to each other out of boredom and sharing a history of being friends in jr high/high school. I feel that I have outgrown her mentally,and get sick of her weird spying on people and hoping they suffer in life. Shes not ugly,shesvery attractive but still wishes she could look like me which is weird because Im kind of chubby

  23. Hi everyone I have just read all the posts and they have given me a tremendous sense of relief as I also have a friend who I am now pretty much convinced is jealous of me, this woman manipulated two, 7 yr old boys one of which is my nephew to be rude and abusive towards me, this was yesturday and I have been hurt and thinking about why she would do something so nasty all nite. The problem is since doing a diploma I know that I have changed alot, that isnt to say I didnt have this happen to me befour it is just amplified even more now, It is a scary thing to cut of longstanding frienships and basically be on my own but I think the time in nigh, the worst thing for me is how drained I feel after a jealous attack, it cant be healthy to absorb someone elses negativity on a regular basic,

  24. I have the same problem. A jealous person is a dangerous person, they may work to distroy your job or relationships. I have some good luck by limiting the amount of information you give to these people about the good things in your life, and make sure you tell them stories about struggles that you have, In short let them know you also are having troubles in life, they will be less hate jealous of you.

    Good luck

  25. I just so happened to stumble across this site and am happy I did. So many of you have gone through situations of friends being jealous of you that I am reading all of these entries and crying!! (Tears of happiness, of knowing I am not alone!!) My friend of over 10 years always tries to put me down, she constantly brags, talks about herself, and tries to make me jealous. I am a listener, never show off or brag, and care about others more than I care about myself. For the past few months, I have been so convinced that I was the one with the problem, but I have slowly begun to realize that she is jealous of me!! I am shocked by this, but am learning that she is not happy with herself and is a very insecure person. I have done nothing wrong and it is not me. The lesson here is that you have to care about *you* first and then everyone else. I feel bad because I spent so much time obsessing over her and trying to figure out how to help her that I ignored my own needs. But this is a learning lesson and I’m building up my confidence and (trying) to not let her comments get to me so much.

  26. Wow I feel duplicated by everyone. I could write a book on the stories
    of the many friends who lost control of their inner green monster towards me. some of those stoies ..in my lifes journey…are mind boggling. I love people, I love to help, nurture, heal, listen, and feel for them. Ive been told Im a sanguine. Yes many have done more than taken advantage of me. It is very unfortunate that the bulk of these friends are from church (go figure) and the most damage to my spirit & emotions was done by the leader of the pack… the pastor. Yes he was extremely jealous of my husband & I. He controled & manipulated everything in our lives (we thought we were doing unto God) (little did we know) long story short we were spiritually abused for many years.Today he still reigns and many are still under his control & insecurities. Those who see the truth and leave are never the same but are greatful to be out. Its been 8 years and I have to say money cant buy a lesson like that. since then Ive had a friend for 7yrs that was my daughters teacher & school director. She was great with the kids. I knew (my friend) had a rough childhood but I wasnt afraid to love her through any bumps that might come up. after a few bumps here & there, her goose was cooked when I realized she attempted to sabotage my daughters career, not just once but twice!
    You will know when the green monster strikes, it gives you this uneasy feeling in your gut. Its the feeling I used to get when I was almost deathly affraid, you know the kind of fear you get in your belly as a child. Your heart rate even goes up to boot! it feels like an evil presence, like witchcrafty spellish stuff, stirrs up your emotions, leaves you with an air of confusion… yeah thats the green monster
    jealosy! Yes its ulgy, nasty,and can be devistating, dont we all know. It comes from its realitive ‘fear’ and lives with emotion. I believe its from hell. But we all have been given a measure of it. I would say we at least know how to handle our own emotions and put the green monster to bed permanetly because we are generally happy for others sucesses. I really can only speak for myself but I get excited/touched to see happiness, sucess & dreams fufilled in others lives! and If I could be of any help to get them to the top, Im there for them. So getting back to what jealousy has done, it has opened up my eyes a lot wider and my ears are clearer around people. Trust has been shaken but not shattered. I refuse to let those insecure people effect me negitively. I do pray for them and forgive them. Im moving on. Its a new Day, many people too meet & love in my journey.
    bye - bye green monster you are under my feet!
    Blessings to all of You!

  27. I too have had the problem of not ‘fitting in with the girls’ as far back as I can remember in school. I was never a groupie type of girl, more tomboyish and never had the need to follow. Looking back I was awkward with all the girlie things ie hair, clothes makeup etc none of those things were important to me. We didnt have the money to buy the ‘in’ clothes. but I always seemed to be within arms reach of the ‘in’ crowd. I always kept a distance from people. I was always nice but never confided much never had those ‘intimate friendship’ with the other girls, and I was not invited to have those friendships. I was the one on the fringes …. my choice?? their choice??? I believe i am nice considerate to others but am confident of myself, I enjoy my own company, I am funny I am pretty and thin I can do about anything or figure it out I am a project type person etc. I believe these traits are the same ones that may attract ‘friends’ but soon push them away. I have been told several times thru the years ‘you always land on my feet, don’t you’ and they dont seem to be really happy for me for all my accomplishments–the ones they may be aware of. I dont brag, it is very rare that I do tell people things, I am now 50 and I find women at work are still ‘turning on me’ after only a few months. they are impressed at my skills, knowledge, intellegence etc but then verbally attack me within months. eventhough I may understand that it is not all my doing to upset these women and that I may not have any friends, my feelings are hurt and I am lonely. telling people to just be yourself etc etc doesnt change the fact that ‘we’ are still having our feelings hurt and are lonely and many times blaming ourselves. One of the things that I doing is limiting any time with people who treat me badly. Or removing them from my life completely. hoping for a friend is better then being mistreated by a ‘friend’. my two cents

  28. I can totally relate & agree 100 per cent!

    Thanks for sharing your experiance & wisdom.

    Wishing You & All who shared A Great Day & Life in who You are.

    Thank You for being so uniquely You.

    The world is a better place because of true good hearted people that care and not let being a victim of someones insecurities ruin who you are.

    Using wisdom & good judgement to move forward in your life.

    Kudos & Hats off to you Morgan!

  29. People use the term “jealous” to loosely.
    To want happiness (semblance of a cohesive life) when a friend has all of that (and your own life is in shambles) is not “coveting their lives.”
    I think “jealousy” is for lack of a better word.
    I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.
    That doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an unhappy one.

  30. Morgan:

    I totally get it. It also seems from a young age, I’ve had problems with jealous girls and women through the years. They are so angry at a woman who is competent and has confidence.
    People are going to be jealous no matter what. I think many of them even see being nice as a weakness. I am so puzzled by all the pettiness I see in people. I don’t feel the need to belittle or cut other people down because of good things happening in their lives. There is such a bitter root that sits in so many women. Just angry at where they are in their lives. I often wonder if true friendship is a myth or do people just fake friendship so they have someone to call a “friend”? Write back when you have time. Thanks.

    Plantperson

  31. True friendship is not a myth. It is a matter of the heart.
    sadly there are many people who are very self centered
    and in denial about themselves.
    Being self centered is not only toxic to everyone around you but is
    toxic to yourself.
    Self centered people have the slightest idea on how to rid themselves of the toxins that are within their heart nor do most of them care.
    Selfless people are much more trustworthy friends.To be sure, you have to look at their lives on how they treat their families & friends and even new people they encounter.
    This can take time however as any relationship does. In most healthy relationships there needs to be a balance of love & trust in a true friendship. So many of us are attracted by certian bonds that we share like things we can relate to, but in time ones true self will be exposed so be wize & kind.
    There are many levels of friends in our lives but the closest ones to our hearts are truely those of good character, those that are selfless.
    As all flawed as we are, we need to just love & forgive and pray for those who need our prayers the most.

  32. Morgan:
    Friendship is not a myth, but many people don’t seem to share the same ideals of what friendship should be. That’s where I’ve run into problems.
    The comment from June 5th from “C” was startling:
    “I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.”

    At a point where “C” should be turning to that friend for support and guidance because she’s falling off of that cliff, she “can’t be bothered”. Seeing that a friend has it together, and is stable, should be a beacon for “C” to gravitate towards, to give anchor to her instable situation. That is what friends are for. But people like “C” can’t be bothered. This is how my toxic friends react to me. This is how a toxic friend thinks. If they can’t get something from you, or if they have to give something to you (like reciprocating friendship) they give up and can’t be bothered, because their life is about THEM, not about YOU.

    They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them.

    Anne is right; how they treat their family is a good indicator of how they’ll treat you. And, sure, you can pray for them, but don’t feel bad about separating yourself from these people. You can feel bad for someone without having to sacrifice yourself to try and fix this toxic jealous person. They do NOT want to be fixed! Their life IS being toxic and jealous! If they were selfless and nice, their world as they know it would implode! Pray from a safe distance!! :-)

  33. I was glad to read this as well since I have been going through precisely the same thing. (Two of my only long-term female friends both died last year and it’s been such a lonely time.)

    I am a lot like the original poster in terms of the fact that I had a difficult childhood and a question occurs to me: You say your house was broken and underprivileged? May I ask if there was love in it?
    The reason I ask is that lately I wonder if my pattern of attracting jealous friends is due to the fact that I had a jealous mother who was very abusive, mean and undermining.

    Sometimes, I do feel that my behaviors inspire jealousy and that I am contributing to the problem.

    For instance, I have a tendency to underplay my abilities for a long time and then all of a sudden, after I’ve spent months building someone up, I demand that pats on the back are reciprocated.

    I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous.

    I am not suggesting I am better than anyone. Jeez! I can almost hear Mom’s voice saying, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I am explaining that I purposely put myself in a position where I might target jealousy - almost as if to “relive” that pattern. I believe also, that deep feelings of inferiority and a fear of excelling past my mom have made it hard for me to be in more demanding occupations and even in relationships with better men. I know that I feel inadequate.

    The long and short of it is - Original poster: do you think you are attracting the wrong friends in the first place by playing small and/or overlooking bad behaviors? Do you think that you might trace this back to some of your childhood experiences? Just food for thought.

    To the rest of ya’s: thanks for letting me pour it all out here! :)

  34. Mattie Thank you for sharing. That was very insightful and Im sure we can all relate in some capacity from our childhood.
    Your comment was certianly food for thought!

  35. I have a ‘friend’ who I feel I am losing and I’m kinda grieving over what seems to be a friendship I’m losing. She can be VERY passive-aggressive and that makes me feel unsafe around her although she can also be incredibly nice and we have a lot in common.

    I met up with her one evening, along with my husband at a gathering. She was the only person there that my hubbie and I already knew. My hubbie and I started talking to a few people around us and got chatting. She came up and it was nice to see her but I was feeling unwell that day and felt increasingly tired.

    The swine flu had been scaring some people and I had just come back from a work-related trip to a country that doesn’t have as good hygiene as the country I live in. I knew this ‘friend’ was jealous of me as I have had a number of really good things happen in my life in the last year (although had some awful struggles too) but I could almost not believe what she said!

    She knew I wasn’t feeling well and we joked about the swine flu and then she commented about a particularly virulent strain she’d heard of in the country I’d just come back from - don’t know where she heard that from because I never heard of it on the news, in the papers and to this day, I haven’t heard of it either!! In fact swine flu has been worse here than in that country.

    This might sound like I’m overthinking this but if you were there, you’d know, it really was like she was wanting me to be suffering from ‘that’ particularly bad strain of swine flu!!

    And I honestly felt like she had almost spat that comment out right in my face. I was shocked that she wanted something that bad for me and also the way she was communicating it! I knew she was jealous but thatbad?? I often think of what I want to say after the event but this time, I decided, ‘I’m going to say something,’ so I remarked that the country I’d returned from hadn’t had many cases, only one or two isolated ones…which was mild when someone’s basically wished swine flu on you but again I was surprised!

    Instead of backing up her argument like she’d read it in Time magazine or something, her face just dropped…!! Why would someone’s face drop over hearing something so matter-of-fact as that! If I’d heard that swine flu was affecting people particularly badly in a country and someone disputed that, I’d not just back down on something I knew was a fact. It was like she was trying it on and then saw she couldn’t get away with it.

    My goodness! That really showed her real feelings…later that evening, the lucky draw took place and there was just the one prize of a bottle of wine. I couldn’t believe it - I won!! I thought she might have left by that time because she had said earlier on that she was leaving. But I found out she was still there. After the jealousy she had shown earlier in the evening, I was concerned winning the prize wasn’t going to help matters but I was also kinda glad she could see good things were going to continue happening to me, whether she could be happy for me or not!

    She later invited me to a couple of events via Facebook and I would normally thank her and say whether I was going or not. This time, I completely ignored them - they weren’t just invitations to me, they were to a few of her friends, me included and I notice people don’t always feel they have to reply to such invites, so it wasn’t that impolite. Then I bumped in to her one evening, by chance.

    She was on her phone and although I didn’t want to and felt fake for doing it, I squeezed her shoulder and said ‘hi’, then turned in the direction I was already going, then turned back to be polite and then made an obvious point of turning around again and going on my way.

    I thought that she’d have thought I was rude but she was talking on the phone and didn’t choose to interrupt the conversation to quickly say hello to me or to say we’d catch up later. I wanted to show her that I was confident enough in myself and didn’t really need her to stop and talk to me or anything…if she wasn’t going to treat me right, I could do without her! Truth is deep down I was upset at the true colours she’d shown.

    She’s always making comments on FB, 9 times out of 10 anyway, about how life is going well for her and she sounds happy and like lots of good things are happening for her so why be so unhappy for me!! She knows about some of the awful struggles I’ve had in my life, and just how long I had to wait BEFORE things turned out well for me. I am only just starting to really reap the sorts of blessings that most of my friends have enjoyed for ages!! I feel like it’s my time and I’m going to enjoy it!

    Normally I’d hear something from her after a chance meeting like the one we had but I heard nothing. Not staying true to myself, I messaged her and made a comment about her new apartment, about which she’d posted pictures on FB and about bumping in to each other but surprise, surprise, NO answer! I guess I just don’t want to lose her but I’m really wondering whether I should bother!

  36. Hi Anne - I am glad you appreciated the post. As I read some of the other stories here, I am inclined to think that another problem may be that our culture doesn’t really encourage women to speak positively about their own accomplishments and attributes. Recently, I was reading a favorite advice column and I realized that whenever a female letter writer described herself as “attractive” or intelligent, that there was an overload of comments calling her conceited and obnoxious. Many commenters - both men and women - insinuated that other people’s dislike of the advice seeker was her fault. In other words, “play yourself down and then people will like you.”

    Two things occur - yes, some women do brag to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity. And when women brag - particularly about the reactions men have to them - they reveal an unfortunate cultural bias: “the attention of men is an all-important cultural indicator of acceptance and goodness.”

    Those of us who are mothers have a golden opportunity to educate our daughters to have self-respect that comes from within and outside of the male gaze. We can also teach our boys that it’s important for a woman to feel good about herself and her accomplishments and that self-love in a female does not make her conceited or a “bitch.”

  37. Mattie-
    I’m smart, but…you are so articulate and well-spoken! Are you an author? An attorney? A psychologist? I, for one, am proud and happy to know other women who are intelligent, talented, strong, etc… A man pointed out to me many years ago that women will never get anywhere until they start banding together. Every other group of people sticks, stands up or fights together- though to be fair, women are set up to work against each other in our society by society and men, (and other women). That said, I have also been shocked in my life by boyfriends being jealous of my happiness or accomplishments. When one of my boyfriends had a success or accolade, I felt proud of him. When I accomplished something, the bf’s were often more spiteful than the women in my life.
    I’ll be waiting for your book to come out, Mattie.
    P.S. I still think all of us happy, well-meaning people should form a group!

  38. I have to say I just so love this thread!! I started tonight looking up stuff on stealing because I was trying to figure out what is up with this girl who has stolen my wallet & (really cool) mug while at school. She will dress like me and makes comments about my sons in reference to wanting children. We go to grad school together- I am middle aged, divorced, rebuilding my life, changing careers, poor while doing this person- She is in her twenties with her whole life before her, beautiful, doing something she’s chosen and if she wanted to get married & have kids then she could do that!? Very strange. It dawned on me that perhaps she is jealous- Then I have to ask why? Why are all these peole jealous? I had one other incident with a neighbor that was similar. Often people will dress like me or “copy” my decorating ideas and if they are secure they acknowledge it- I’m usually excited for them- I frequently feel that for some reason people are intimidated by me or are jealous & do not think I should be or want me to be happy. I saw this with my divorce- like I should just give up (because they would?) I have had great friendships with people who are as secure as I am, but around anyone else- and definitely insecure men forget it. I too had all the stay at home mom negativity, when i was at home & when I worked I had a boss finally burst out one day ” You always seem to know what you want and some of us don’t” - Just because I’m “strong” & I know what I want and what I like doesn’t mean I don’t need people or friends- I do not think I have a great life by any means, but I do the best I can with what I have, stay positive, keep going forward, enjoy what I like, compliment others- no malice–I’m not unhappy- I define me, my value and worth are not based in my looks, accomplishments or anything in particular necessarily- I just go along doing the best I can, no arrogance and try to be kind-Why all the grief? We could call it the “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” and happy group

  39. Wow - Rocy! You really made my day! Thank you so much!!

    I am a writer but have not published any books – yet! I do want to write a book and it’s been a lifetime goal. (Just finishing up a long, dragged out Masters’ Degree at the moment.) I have a bit of formal background in psychology but mainly, I’ve learned from reading on my own.

    You bring up a really good point about jealousy not being limited to women. Rocy, do you think you might be attracted to men who need you to be “less than?” Sometimes the clues are really subtle. You might find, for instance, that you are attracted to “diamonds in the rough” or men who are achievers but who only gauge their success based on societal pointers – traditional markers like earnings, height, looks, etc..

    The poster above, Julie, mentions that people get frustrated with her because she knows what she wants. I think that that situation sort of illustrates my point. It’s that strength within the self that ticks people off, since most people are looking outside for validation. The thing is, if you are self-accepting, you always have enough love left over to give to others. “The universe has plenty of room for billions of stars.”

    I’m certainly not suggesting that any person is immune to wanting outside acceptance. In fact, I think that some of us “jealousy targets” may be playing different sides of the same coin.

    In an earlier post, I asked the OP if she grew up in a house where there was love, since I truly believe that those of us who were pushed down by our own parents are more likely to attract people who want to keep us in our places. Rocy, I am not sure if you share a similar family legacy but I would venture to say that perhaps somewhere early on, you were more encouraged to be a supporter rather than a person who should shine in her own right. (I think a lot of people are conditioned this way – not just women.)

    From early on, we get the message that validation comes from acts we perform for others. (I personally learned that I would only get love by staying small and feeding my mom’s black hole of an ego. In my own case, I transferred that to my relationships for years, always feeling uncomfortable if I expressed happiness or a satisfaction with my work, etc.)

    While those who are jealous believe that the world withholds its love because they are “less than,” we “jealousy targets” might just believe that the world will withhold love if we are “more than” or worse – just ourselves.

    Why would a person attract someone who makes her feel bad about her success if she didn’t want to deter herself from success in some way? Perhaps to some of us, the consequences of success are too dire – a loss of that primary acceptance.

    In the meantime, nothing makes me feel worse than caving in and being fake to accommodate someone else’s insecurities, because on some level I know that I am still not fully accepting myself.

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned not to take the jealousy too personally. Sometimes I see that person as a little kid who really feels slighted, left out and less than. And then I can relate as well to being the kid who is proud – “look at my pretty drawing!” in one moment, and reduced to pain in the next when she receives an indifferent or unkind response.

    I am not religious, but when I feel I’ve been targeted unfairly, I’ll sometimes just sit down and pray or meditate. I ask (God, Higher Self, Universe) to keep me on track. Am I being truthful to myself? Am I trying not to hurt others while not compromising myself? It’s not a matter of ego to me but a matter of accepting my true self – a relationship that I frankly have to work on every day.

    Sometimes, it’s really, really lonely – and that is something I am picking up from many of the posts. I do think it would be good to start some kind of group! I’ll be the first to post my email. If anyone wants to contact me, I’d love to connect. In the meantime, let’s keep this post going. I think all of your stories are fascinating! ciaomattea@yahoo.com

  40. Mattie-
    I am so glad I made your day!
    My thoughts on “attracting” jealous friends: I’m all about taking responsibility for who we attract into our lives, but in this case I think it’s more a case of naivete. What I mean is, the people who are jealous of you or me are jealous of lots of people. It’s not personal. This is their problem. You and I are just naive about recognizing it or thinking it is so rare because we are not that way. Now the jealous guy thing-I think that is possibly more of a societal gender issue-guys wanting the woman under his thumb or not outshining him. But the women who were jealous of me-yes, I probably had certain characteristics that they envied, but if I looked closely, they were snipey and jealous of lots of people. With the healing or correcting I’ve done from my childhood-yes, I came from an un-loving home, and a slightly jealous mother, but it was the much older, domineering sister who ran the whole family who was toxically jealous, competitive, thieving of my ideas, qualities, etc., and yes, I’ve had a lot of those women in my life and thought it was something wrong with me that my own friends didn’t want me to be happy, but now I think it was a mistake to take it personally which led to the mistake of putting up with it. What I am doing now is identifying it sooner and speaking up about it (in other words, don’t “play” naive). Speaking up sometimes ends the relationship, but not always-(also, people rarely admit to their jealous behavior). Is that maybe where the real dishonesty on our part is?- that we are afraid if we speak up the relationship will be over? Is that where the real self love needs to come in-why are we tip-toeing around to preserve a friendship with someone who is spiteful, and if you can’t speak your true feelings to the person, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway. Sounds more like a hostage situation! Oh, the jealous sister would go nuclear ballistic if anyone ever spoke up to her, so yes, I was trained to NOT speak up. So that speaks to the manipulation techniques of the jealous person. Also, I had a dad who hated women and was threatened by them…agghh. But my main life-lesson has been about just that-speaking up for myself, quickly, thouroughly, directly, honestly. I’ve been working on it for years, and am making progress :)

  41. Rocy,
    Thank You for your words of wisdom. It was very insightful & helpfull
    to share your experiance.
    I have found that when I spoke up to the friend that was jealous
    they would be defensive & in denial.
    But your absolutely right, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway?
    Its just not a healthy balence for life period. So get healthy and weed out or fade out friends that are toxic to your well being.
    If they are not willing to admit the truth, take a good look within and make a step to change, it certianly makes sense to move on with out that friendship.
    Best of Luck to You & Everyone

  42. All really good points- Why put up with it?? I always thought being kind and building the person up about their success was “nicer” than pointing out jealousy/rudeness- but nicer doesn’t make the point and they are still jealous- it is their problem. I am reading a book that discusses authority and dependency- according to this guy good authority figures are responsible for the quality of the relationship with those they have authority over- it is their responsibility to “handle” things. Bad authority figures blame those in a depepndent position and cause the dependents to feel responsible for the quality of the relationship– if the dependents would only “do”this or that things would be better, so dependents work and work for acceptance when all along it is the good authoirty’s responsibility to support and maintain the relationship with unconditional love- the dependent is only supposed to choose to cooperate– so maybe what is happening is we are all just coming up with our own ways of dealing with bad authority- some of us provide our own self support while expecting to be mistreated and “blamed” in some way- whiel other jealous people keep trying to “steal” the spotlight so that bad authority (parents, teachers, bosses, ect.) will notice them. Just a thought.

  43. Hi Julie,
    Thank you for sharing, you have some interesting points.
    I have been friends with some of these jealous people for many years and have been more than kind & building them up, but you know there comes a time when you wake up and say enough. Its time to examine what is true friendship is and is not. Understanably everyones situation is different and I realize people are in your life for a reason so that you both can hopefully grow, but I dont see a healthy balance of growing in a any toxic relationship. Believe me I wish them well & pray for them but they know I have set up my boundries either in our comunications or lack of anymore. Hey and I have run into one or two of them years later with a loving hug & how are you but I keep my distance as far as how it used to be. So you can stil love someone from a distance but you dont have to like them or what they do.

  44. Great comments!
    I love how this thread has evolved from us venting our hurts over these situations to how to deal with situations in a proactive, positive, healthy way. A perfect model for healing-vent then do.
    Julie-please post the name of the “authority/dpendency” book you are reading. It perfectly fits a situation in my life right now! My neice, the authority, is blaming her 8 yr old boy for being verbally abusive, and blaming her 16 yr old son for feeling he is so worthless he tried to commit suicide last week, when duh, they both learned abuse and worthlessness from her.
    And yes, Anne and Julie, I agree, that sort of childhood situation sets us up to forever chase after approval from those who will NEVER give us approval!!! Here is to all of us freeing ourselves from that impossible quest. I approve of myself!

  45. Wow, everyone is here today. Rocy, thanks for your reply. I would have to agree with you on the naive part - but only halfway in my case. I think I do attract these types and they are there for reasons which relate to my own self-sabotage. Regardless of the reasons or childhood issues, however - you are dead on to say that it all comes down to learning to speak up.

    On the naive part - yes, it has kicked me in the backside and recently too. I made a new friend, it was fun, we had a great time and lots of great conversations - but the first time we were in the company of a heterosexual man, she became a python! I did not see it coming and it really sent me reeling, which is how I ended up on this website. I felt extremely betrayed and yes, guilty because I thought I caused it. (Maybe I should have worn a burlap sack to the event? Ha ha.)

    Question: Has anyone here ever felt that her girlfriends were relying on her in the same way a person should rely on a lover? This even happens with females I know who have mates. It’s almost as if they expect their girlfriends to pick up the emotional slack that their boyfriends cannot. By the way, ladies, I am no spring chicken, so I am not talking about college girls. I think that these sorts of investments always get too heavy and often end up playing themselves out in subtle games of competition.

    I will say that in my case, that I am making very few female friends as I get older and that saddens me. (As I mentioned earlier, my two best pals both passed away last year - they were both fabulous, smart and funny women.) In this last year, my best sources of support have been men - my brother, my ex boyfriend and a co-worker from years ago.

    I agree with Anne that maybe jealousy is just too tough for most people to admit to. I’ve tried to gently confront friends but it’s never turned out prettily. Jealousy doesn’t make a person a horrible monster, but human. If your friend could say, “Hey, it makes me feel really crappy when….” and just be out with it, then perhaps the power behind it would dissipate.

  46. I also don’t think it works out well when you confront jealousy or envy with someone…no one seems to really want to admit to it. Few, very few friendships seem to be able to take such a conversation which seems to leave some feeling like they don’t have manny really good friendships afterall…but maybe expecting others to be more secure when they’re not, just doesn’t work.

    I know someone who was very needy and I tried very hard to be there for her, build her up, guide her in the right direction. Just last Saturday she came back from a trip, called me up saying she really missed me, (kept saying it) and saying she wanted to meet and chat for a long time…I could hear in her voice, there was some agenda in the wanting to chat for a LONG time…

    Well, I can tell you most of that conversation was about how she’s so happy in her life now and wants to be really good to herself, (not new story but she’s just more in to it now,) and what her plans are to really fly! I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she was eyeballing me like I really want you to know this.

    I listened and she talked about the best friend she was on this trip with, competing with her over looks and men and how the ‘best friend’ said that she needed this ‘friend’ of mine when out clubbing, because she was like her leaf to the flower that she was! So I understood my ‘friend’s’ hurt and I advised her that her ‘best friend’ was competing with her, which she admitted to. So much for a best friend!

    Well, same thing she was doing with me which I addressed by using this example of her ‘best friend’ and saying I thought this sort of thing was immature, a little bit is human and comes from people when they feel insecure or having a bad day but when there’s a pattern of it, (like with her,) I get bored of it!!

    She got the message and admitted she was competitive but tries not to be and how I made her feel better for addressing the issue and shoring her up, (again!) when it comes to handling this ‘best friend’ of hers…so perhaps in this situation addressing envy had some positive result but the thing is I feel deep-down, she does have a very good side to her but I think she’s just too insecure and competitive to not want to rub in my face, all her future accomplishments. I think SHE needs it and she’d be this way with anyone who she perceives to have it better than her.

    I also despair of finding many real female friends too…I’ve only just started having it better in life and I know many friends have genuinely shared in my joy but it’s like they can’t handle it for long…I know so well what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence and heck, my life has some big problems in it still, if only they knew…I shared with my friend the principle of a scarcity mentality or an abundance mentality…I hope that will make a difference.

    Can I ask a question? How many of you have tried addressing the envy or jealousy issue with a ‘friend’ and found the exchange has been less-than-positive? Seriously, if you’ve been on the envying side, haven’t you found that the woman you admire has just gloated or acted smug (while saying all the right things!) And if you’ve been on the envied side, haven’t you found the other woman would rather have lost a limb than owned up to it? How many female friendships do you think are genuine and how many just an unspoken, quiet little competition going on all the time? So much drama…the innocence of childhood appeals, it really does…

  47. Thanks for sharing EW.

    Im sure you all know that we women are emotional by nature, some are more so than others. Usually women see the details and men see the headlines.
    Childhood, enviorement, genes, diet, additude, hormones and more contribute to the emotional instability women deal with. this emotional instability causes the reaction we call ‘Drama’.
    We as women need to learn how to control our emotional issues.
    Our temopary emotional issues can sometimes cross over into some of our passions which can either be great if you are an artist (on one hand) or be a horrible mess if you lose control over a subject that upsets you. If you already have a mental illness issue on top of this jeez good luck!
    Jealousy is an additude that displays itself through emotion. When your able to look at the big picture and then look within yourself, you will see just how ulgy jealousy is. Why would anyone want to own it? Is it because they feel its a part of them and its their right to express? but yet when most are confronted, they have some denial excuse to hide the ulgy thing.
    I really try to put myself in others shoes to understand them but I feel some women need to step outside their own shoes and take a good look and want to be a better person without competition or envy.
    I mean is it really that hard for most? I mean when I ever had an an issue to deal with being jealous of anyone, I would think about it and realize, hey are you feeling jealous? then I would say to myself how stupid is that ? If Im happy in my own shoes why cant I be happy for the person? Someone is always going to have more than you and more than that person and more than the next. Its just so petty, such a waste of time & energy.
    And if jealousy is not properly delt with it turns into bitterness and eventually can cause physical illness & disease. Why on earth would anyone want to hold onto jealousy? Yulk! Why cant people just love & appreciate eachother no matter what they have?

  48. Thank you everyone for your stories. I’ve felt so hopeless lately with my “friends”. All through high school, my group of “best friends” would constantly put me down, and I never understood it. I’m not conceded, but I know I’ve been a good friend to them all - I’m a good listener, I’m caring and compassionate. It’s boggled my mind for years why people were never nice back!

    I mean…I guess it’s jealousy. I even hate to say people are jealous of me - it feels weird. Bleh. I just don’t see what there is be jealous about! I mean, like everyone else that posted, I am outgoing, successful, and a happy person. But I don’t understand why that would make people WANT to be mean!

    I’m a junior in college now, and I dread coming home to see these same high school “friends”. They still bring up high school situations to make me feel like **** - they call me fat, thunder thighs, comment on my clothes, make fun of things in the past that really, really hurt me. Sometimes they don’t even acknowledge me. I’ll say something trying to lighten the mood (because they are angry and irritable around me), and they just look at me and roll their eyes. WHY???

    I’m so happy when I’m at college. I have goals, I have fun, and most importantly, I finally met people that are NICE to me and that actually CARE about me. It just really made me see how nasty these “old friends” truly are. I have finally started standing up for myself, and I’m cutting out the people that have put me down so much over the last 6 years of my life.

    But now I’m so lonely. I stay home every night, and I can tell I’m slowly getting depressed again like I was in high school. I know I’m better than this, and I deserve to be treated better! I don’t want them to know they have gotten to me because it only makes them happier.

    Why do people have to be so hateful? How can hurting someone else make them feel so good? I just don’t get it…

  49. A woman was so jealous of me that she tried to hurt me. She ’s always told me that she was jealous of me because everyone likes me and that I was strong and she wished to be like me. I’ve always dismissed her comments as being funny. Then, one day, she did the unthinkable. All of my life, I continued to encounter people who are jealous and envious of me and want to be like me. I now pick my friends very carefully. Be careful of jealous people in your life. They can hurt you and they will. Jealousy is the worst kind of emotions and can push the wrong person to violent behaviours.

  50. ~ In jealousy there is more of self-love than love. ~

    ~ A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. ~

    ~ Jealous people poison their own banquet and then eat it ~

    ~ Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. ~

  51. I totally agree with you. I have never been jealous of anyone in my entire life and I don’t even know what it feel like to be jealous. In fact, whenever someone accomplishes something good, I find myself so happy for them that I can’t even contend myself.

  52. This is so true, am having to deal with the same problems everyday, am from a broken home with no love or affection been shown, so as a result I always been a loner, as years goes by I figure that it would change but how wrong I was. Am hardworking,independent,ambitious and also have a clear sense of direction as to where am going. I am from a poor family background so I decided not to live a poor life, so I take my life in my own hand with the help of God and He blesses me with things I never even dreamed of.

    My friends are from a better background and have privilages that I could only hope for but yet they do nothing with their lives. I try talking to them and encourages them but it falls on deaf ears, all they are doing is sitting back and trying to run my race in life, each time they made an accomplishment am happy for them, I get myself a job never buy expensive clothes because I neede a house so I have to save for that, now that I acheive it they are all acting funny, although some of them I refuse from telling.

    I bought my self a new car and didn’t tell them, so they are upset with me, the reason I didn’t let them know because I know their reaction, am so proud of my acheivements because I did it all on my own without any help from absolutely no one apart from Gods help, so for now I take my own time and prunning them out of my life. When am going out I get in my car a go out all on my own.

    Even one of my sister stop talking to me because of what I acheived, I never put it in anybody’s face because am not that sort of person, I take great pleasure in seeing people acheive things in life, not to mention in difficult circumstances, Why cant they be happy for me? Any one needs help or need someone to talk to they can come to me at any given times, I also take pleasure in imparting good advise and encouragement to people who needs it.

    One thing am happy for and is that am a very strong person who love and care for others but I also learn to be my own friend and get on with life and do my thing irrespective of the critisisms that am getting. Am sorry to say but I do not have any true friends, and another thing that I learn in life is that, PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE IN LIFE ARE THE ONES YOU SHOULD BE VERY CAREFUL OF.

    When any of my friends or even people that are not close to me accomplish any thing, am one of the most happiest person in the world, I felt like its me who has made the accomplishment, even when am going through my own problems I still find time to listen and give my advise, and that’s who I am, that’s my nature. And I also beleive that when you sow good seed the the Lord will blees you abundantly. I still have hopes of finding a true genuine and loyal friend, somone who will watch my back as I watches their.

  53. I think you all have valid points and I am glad to see that some of my thoughts about jealous people in my life are mentioned here. I cannot understand jealous behavior. I have always wanted to be around people who are happy, successful and contented whatever their goals. I have never turned away any of my friends when they have needed support. Now I have improved my life and career successfully after a great deal of hardship and my friends have turned on me as if I no longer belong. Were they just feeling sorry for me all those years or are they jealous of my accomplishments? I cannot decide.

  54. Thanks for your posts, they are all insightful. I have been struggling with similar situations for a long time. My friends criticisms and complaints have made me feel haughty, egotistical, self-righteous, and self-absorbed for as long as I can remember. Maybe I have some of these defects, but not much more than the average person. I am a pretty good person with good intentions most of the time.
    I dont like to complain to my friends that I think so and so is jealous of me because it makes me feel like Im coming off as a conceited person who is a bit delusional and has to make up jealousy explanations to explain why things dont go my way. The problem is is that I feel a lot of jealousy towards me in my life, not just from friends, but from co-workers, teachers and TA’s, family as well.

    I dont mean to sound boasting, but Im a very intelligent, educated, good looking person, and am studying for a respectable career. Things are going particularly well in my life right now. I feel very lonely at this point in my life and I think I try to overcompensate sometimes by displaying my qualities. I do not want to have to downplay myself as it took years of trudging through very low self esteem and self neglect to get to a point where I wanted to respect myself enough to “display” my qualities. I seem to end up trying to lower myself to gain acceptance and end up not fully respecting myself in the process. My choice of women are those that are unstable and broken who think Im god one minute then think Im scum the next and are usually “pushed” away by my insecurities. Yes, its a freakin mess. But I am trying to respect myself now and create better boundaries with people. As soon as I created a boundary with my close friend, he has become very accusing and angry with me. It is a painful loss because I am closer to my friends than I am my family. Right now I feel that I am on the verge of really learning to respect myself, but I am losing acceptance from people I care about in my life.

  55. Reading some other peoples experiences that they have with friends and how jealous they are, makes me wonder how shallow and low these people can get. Years ago I remember I had a co-worker we use to be very good friends and then out of the blue she started acting funny but I could not understand why and how this change comes about. It’s quite obivious that I started to examine myself and asking questions.

    It carried on for sometimes but in the end she packed in the job, she didn’t say she was leaving, so I carried on working, after a couple years she wrote me a letter, I went and visited her, she was in a very bad state at the time but I was just happy to see her, knowing me, I did not ask her why I just forgive her and put the past behind me. But before I left she said to me that she have something to say to me, and she told me that there is something about me that she is jealous of.

    I ask her what it is and she just say she cannot put her finger on it but she wish she have what I have. But I still could not understand how she arrive at that because we get the same salary and we were all going through hardships and she was even in a better position than I am, she has support from her family, which I did not have. In other words I was as poor as a pauper just bearly managing.

    As years goes by I still experience the same thing, am sure am not sick in the head but what I realise is that when you are a strong person and you are focus,upbeat, positive, helpful,cheerful, happy outgoing and stands out from the rest and make good choices in life, thats when jealous friends creeps in.

    My advise to all these positive and genuine people on this site, is not take on any faults sense of responsibilites by trying to come down to these jealous people level, do not afraid to say NO to them, don’t let them pull your down, these people are not good for you lot, they are toxic chemicals that will poision you slowly but suerly as you inhale their negative secretion, jealous people are a nausiane to soceity. The moment you realise that something is not good for you, just get rid of then once and for all, it’s better to be alone that to be unhappy around these rodents. Let us start to embrace our own friendship and get in the habit of doing things on own own, we don’t need people to validate our success. What these rodent don’t relaise is that we genuine people rely on our INTERNAL FORCES, while they rely on thier EXTERNAL FORCES and thats what stes us apart, we are on toalty different wave length,God bless you all.

  56. Hey there!
    I basically could tell you my life has always been like that and it ain’t changing any sooner… even though I’m roughly 19 years old. People just aren’t mature enough, they do not know that whatever you give is what you get back, so if they are jealous of you it’s more than OBVIOUS that they’re so not happy with their own lame life that they wanna ruin yours, or at least, make you feel what they feel because they don’t have the happiness you have, and since they can’t have it (because they don’t do any improvement on their life) they just hate you because you have it, it’s pathetic.
    The way I see it, people will always talk about you and be jealous of you so you might as well give them something to talk and be jealous about.
    If they had a life, they so would not be looking and criticising yours right? I know this is selfish, and believe me it’s been hell of a process dealing with all these people!
    But you gotta remember, you always come first, before anyone, you must be happy so then you can make others happy, because no one gives what he doesn’t have.
    Hope I helped :)

  57. Hi Temoc,
    Thank You for sharing! For a 19 year old your are pretty sharp!
    Remember that when you go through the trials of life they will shape you into who you are. They can make you or break you but you make that choice. Best To You!

  58. I am also happy to have found this website. I have been struggling to let go of an old friend for about two years now. We are both 30, we went to the same college, live in the same city, and both have little boys mine is 3-years old and hers is 2-years old. Being that we are college friends a lot of our socializing is going out for drinks at bars or clubs. She has had a it hard after her son. The father has never meet the child and she suffered from post partum.I tried to be there for her when ever she needed me. I listened to her suffering andI baby-sat her son when ever she asked me to since I am a stay at home mother. She lives with her mother and son in an apartment and seems to be doing well.
    I recently bought a new car, got engaged then found out I was preganat all in the same month. Everyone was so excited for me, except for this friend. My finance and our son travel often. We go to beaches and leave the country at least twice a year. He does well for himself and I stay at home with our son and work part-tim in the evenings and weekends after he gets home. I work out a lot, spend a lot of mommy time with our son.
    I only have 2-3 friends that I communicate with, I am not a bragger for most of them live out of town and have no clue of my lifestyle or what I have. And I don’t think what I have is much to brag about. I do talk about how much I love my son, how happy I am in my relationship and life. But I love to hear about my friends lives even more, although I am blessed to be at home, mine is sort of boring when I’m not on vacation or at work.
    Well things has taken a turn for the worst between my friend and I. Its seems like during every conversaton we have I have to defend myself against her. I told her that we were going to wait until after the baby to get married and may do a destination wedding, she belted, “who is going to pay for all that? Do you really think people will pay to go to your wedding? Who has money for that?” I told her that we were saving for a new home because of the baby and we would put the wedding off for a while which would give those instrested in attending time to save. She then said, “who is going to pay for your new house, your man? He pays for everything don’t he? What do you pay for?” I felt like I was being attacked by every postive thing I told her about my life.
    The final straw was facebook. Everyone on facebooks broadcast there ups, down, boast, and make jokes. Well I mentioned how flattered I was that I have been told that I look to be in my mid twenties when I am 30-years old. This friend posted that “Please get over yourself”, ” you seem to love to feel yourself”. Then made her own post saying
    how” people forget where they came from, they may need to share beds, borrow clothes or become a fat housewife.” I am not sure if this was directed at me but I am pretty sure.
    Why am I still holding on to her as a friend, I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t have that many we have been friends 10-years now and I just don’t want to cut her off I guess. Now that I am doing well and in a good space in life she says I think I am better then everyone and forgeting where I come from. I don’t get. I am nothing but nice to her and will do anything for her.
    Before anyone comments, I am not the sweet and innocent little housewife. I speak my mind, don’t put up with much BS and I am very sarcastic. This being said, I am still a good friend and find I let this person walk all over me. I feel like I have to put on a suit of armour just to take her calls.
    I think we are pretty much done. I guess I will begin to phase her out.

  59. To Charlene- Those people (friends) couldnt relate to you with your sucessful change because it meant they would have to challenge themselves to be better than You. Their insecurities got the best of them and you became a mirror to them on how they are not where they want to be. You would think a mature person would be happy for your example and say to themselves wow she inspires me to do better for myself too! Isnt a healthy friedship suposed to be suportive with encouragement? Have you tried confrontation?( There is a great chance of denial & that you are imagining they are this way) so that would mean if these friends dont wake up , get real and humble with themselves after you have tryed, I would fade them out and be around people who inspire you & encourage you.
    The world is full of toxins we dont need people in our lives that cause us to feel bad about choosing to have a better life.
    You can take this experiance as a compliment to yourself as you grow & learn from it. It will make you more aware of your choices in friends and help shape you into a better person for someone you can inspire & encourage. Congratulations on Your Sucessful steps and wishing You the Best! Anne

  60. last nite i went out with my friends whom i’ve known for 20 years. i’m engaged and they are miserable about all the men who have cheated on them, a few of them are divorced. they kept saying things like all men are this and that and how marriage doesn’t always last, etc. — it was so obvious they were directing their comments toward me. they didn’t congratulate me or ask to see the ring. it was awful. i’m horribly hurt. one of them is one of my bridesmaids. i’m ready to tell her that i dont’ want her in it — if men are so terrible why is she being in a bridal party? blah, i feel like crap. i agree with everyone here, that miserable people don’t like it when you have changed for the better and just hate hanging with happy people. after the wedding next year i am going to be ditching these toxic people and making new friends. no you are not alone. last nite i read a psychologist’s comment: “true peers are those who function on the same level.” we need to be surrounded by people who are on the same level we are. if we are happy and don’t try to bring other people down, then we need to be around people who are similar. god am i depressed right now — these girls are like family to me yet they’re not happy for me. it sucks. so i understand where you’re coming from. :(

  61. Mary, start doing something special for yourself that you always wanted to try. Keep your head up, life can throw a curve ball sometimes but you have it in you to be a survivor so stay strong throgh the sudden change of weather. This season will come into a new one and a new day will begin. You know that you are feeling a sense of mourning twards your friends on top of your hurt and the weight of it is heavy. Find a healthy way to ease your mind of all this. something that is good for you not a bandaid like drinking your sorrows away, but choosing a healthier mind set above it all. dont allow any negitive thoughts consume your mind (not easy I know) but just try your best, you deserve the best and I hope maybe some one of your friends will make a change someday, but if not, I hope you have some wonderful new friends who will encourage your life. Just wish the best for your old friends and move on. I feel for you, but you know you have the rest of your life ahead of you and this bump in the road will be a faded memory someday. Im not saying it wont be sad when thought of, but your life will be filled with much more healthier choices to make your life a much better one. Congratulations! &Best Wishes! Anne

  62. OMG im so glad I found all of you. I need to summarize my “friend” and the years of crap I have taken from her. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. I have a less than perfect past, and yes she was there the months/years that I was a real mess. Things that I’m not proud of. HOWEVER, I have pulled myself up, I have two degrees, I have an awesome job, and I have a wonderful husband that adores me. I’m attractive and smart. For years though i’ve been at the receiving end of her snooty comments about me, she loves to embarrasses me in front of others and bring up the past to new acquaintances. She belittles my ideas, and my thoughts on things. She makes underhanded comments like: “im sorry but at a certain age long hair just looks ridiculous” guess what i have long hair. “big boobs are just gross” guess what i have big boobs (like I can help it) and she makes sure to tell me how much her husband doesn’t like women with big boobs. She also is in constant search of friends and picks at them terribly and talks about them constantly. She’s rude and thinks it’s ok to be downright mean to others - because, hey, she’s just being honest. She is the type that is NEVER wrong and will bombard you with email after email of ‘proof’ she’s right from quick searches on the internet. She has confrontations with her own family members, her in laws, her husband’s friends and their spouses, but it’s NEVER her fault. She really went overboard a few weeks ago with me; it was a simple subject that she turned into a sarcastic laced series of jabs at me and my family. Then followed up with “im just sayin”……she knew she went to far (although would die before admitting that) and she knew I was hurt and angry. So instead of apologizing, she’s ignored me. She spews her hate on me then doesn’t have the guts to apologize? If I thought for one minute something I said may have hurt her I would be beside myself and calling to apologize. Has anyone ever had someone like this in their lives? Does she hate me? Is she just so miserable of a person that she doesn’t care?

  63. Hi Cassie-
    Since I found this thread back in March during a break-up with 2 of my old girlfriends, I have really gotten over the whole jealous friend thing just by hearing other peoples stories and realizing it really isn’t just me-some people are just like that, and not only that, it is really common!
    Obviously, your friend is jealous of you and you said yourself she treats everyone that way-so it’s not about you, it’s about her and her insecurities.
    BTW, after breaking up with those 2 “friends” in March, my life has gotten even better by not having them drag me down-and since I’m no longer taking any of this personally or being naive about a lot of people having insecurity issues, I seem to be making much better choices around new acquaintances and having better boundaries and not getting involved with the negativity (and being more assertive from the beginning). Thanks to everyone for their honesty on this thread. You have a right to be happy, and if they want to be miserable let them-they have that right, too.
    P.S. before I broke up with my friends I said everything I wanted to say. Even if they deny it all, I know they’ve heard the same complaints from other people, too, because they didn’t just treat me that way, and it was good to get it off my chest.

  64. Cassie… Time to move onto a new season in your life.
    Out with the old in with the new. Get Healthy & Be Happy.
    Your Change has brought about change now keep a toxic free life by leaving your friend in the past. Best Wishes

  65. Hi Everyone,
    I have faced the same problems before and its happening right now again. I am presently doing my final assignment for my University Course and all my friends in the group is no longer speaing with me. I have never failed any of my course. In fact, the course is part online and part at UWIDEC centre and just recently during the process of doing my thesis ,my house was broen into and my computers (2) were stolen with all of my work.After this happened all my so called friends in the group have not been speaking to me again. Added to this, they keep sending abusive emails which i opened once and which I no longer open but delete. I have beeen praying to my God and I now he will deliver me. I still was able to send my work for the thesis and I would like to tell you God was in control. I really do not have any friends except my husband and family and I am always wondering why my women friends get jealous of me .They always show it out plainly to me. I believe if I dont eep out of their way they will definitely destroy me. I am hurting.

  66. Diana - you are not alone. Im going to assume Im older than you being your in college, but none the less…….you MUST keep moving forward with your college and career. You cannot let them break you. You have much better things waiting for you in the future. I am a sucessful woman with a great job in a great company. I work with a lot of men and I gotta tell you, that makes my life sooo much easier. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know what that reason is now but your are destine for better things. I don’t have any friends except my husband and family as well. But Im happy. Im cutting out a friend of 20 years litteraly as we ’speak’. As a woman who has been in the workforce for a large company for over 11 years, my advice to you is to remain friendly to co-workers (women) but be careful being friends with them. Also - my husband and I hang out with other couples who are 5-10 years older than us (im 37) they are much eaiser to be around. You will get through this and you will be stronger and your going to do good things!!!!!! Hang in there and don’t let them consume another minute of your life. (Now I have to take my own advice here too!!) My situation is similar in ways and while im not loosing sleep over it, Im pissed off (sorry) that she has taken up so much of my time with her antics and that I let this happen. Keep moving forward, you have school and family to worry about and those are much more important than jealous backstabbing women. Good Luck!

  67. Hi Cassie, the question I would like to ask you is why do you put up with that little rodent you call friends for 20 years ? I believe when we try to be nice to people they take the ( PISS) at times. If your so-call friends are not there to support you in any shape or form, you take my foolish advise delete their numbers and all contact details.

    You need to start a fresh, and the beauty about it is that the moment you get rid of these toxic people you immediately feel the burden just rolls off your shoulder, these jealous friends are a pain in the ass and they are a heavy burden to carry. Are you willing to carry on living your life under bondage and going around with a false sense of responsibility ? The point am getting at is you are not happy with their behaviour but still you are keeping friends and contact with them( that’s what I meant of false sense of responsibility).

    Take a leaf out of my book, if my friends are not happy for me then am sorry am ready to cut you out of my life with immediate effect, comes what may, even if we know each other from birth, I will put up with anything else from people, but when it comes to jealousy that’s where the line is drawn, a jealous person have one motive and that motive is to destroy your life and everyone that you are associated with, they wants to wipe you clean.

    A jealous person tends to minimise you just in order to maximize and equalize themselves, they are a poisonous, toxic, selfish, selfcentered, parasite, unhappy little rodents, they are a nusianse to society, do not take these people for granted or under estimate them they will go to the last mile to destory your family, friends, your job and also other close to you. BE WARN !!!!!!!!!!

  68. Thanks Monica. To answer your question…….i really don’t know why im friends with her. One thing and your all going to think i’m crazy ……im sort of afraid of the backlash. She’s done some heinous things to people in the past. What really makes me so po’d about this is SHE hurt MY feelings, she knows this ….yet is unable to apologize or even speak to me!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Im the bad guy here. Also – there is a get together in a few weeks that she and several others will be at and im not sure I want/should go…..it will be extremely awkward……yet, part of me thinks I should go and be cordial and let her know im not sulking over her…….any thoughts?

  69. I dont know about you Cassie, but I would pass on that get together, I mean what are ya’ll getting together about? Just get together with friends who are healthy for you, make a date yourself with them and count out your rodent friend. I just wouldnt say anything about your rodent friend you wouldnt want to get back to her to anyone. Control your tounge. I had to rid a so called friend I knew for 24 years I met her from church. As loving as she seemed she always talked about everyone and sometimes used the excuse we should pray for them or dont say anything, or Im just tired and rambling. I always knew this about her but you know to be a christian you got to be merciful and give grace because no one is perfect but it turns out after I have helped her she got jealous of me & people from her church said she was making some accusations about me. So the strange thing about her is she has faded in and out of so many peoples lives and then one day walks back in as if nothing ever happened. She recently had a jealous outburst in a public parking lot accusing me of speaking negitive about myself for attention because she does it herself and that makes her an expert at it and that she also has this (get this) gift of ‘exposing people’ what a crock! I could barely get a word in edgewize when she decided to talk out loud about my personal life (family) then says I wouldnt blame you if you didnt talk to me after this….. Um Ya Think??? its been since May and I am so done with her wack ways. She has since sent me numerous e-mails of random christian things with underlying messages, one of the messages was how friends are so important to a happy life…. aaah yeah ok try ”healthy friends”. Come on we need to stop being so friggen sentimental about some of these people! Yes at one or more times they may have had a significant place in our lives but seasons change to bring forth NEW LIFE so lets embrace some NEW LIFE!

  70. a bit off-topic….

    notice how… .you’re all women…. with the same problems

    notice how your husbands/boyfriends do not have the same issues

    just… find it… kind of funny

  71. I can T-totally relate! I had a friend from years ago that jealousy on her part ruined our friendship. It was a learning experience. We do keep in touch on Myspace but it has hindered what photos I will post because I just know that…some how she would be jealous. So I was always very careful of who I became friends with. I have a friend of 11 years who had always been there for me and I the same. Just recently we were on an yearly girls weekend, and out of know where she “jokingly” told me she was going to knock me off my high-horse! I was not bragging are even saying anything that would warrant such a comment. My husband and I have just bought a new house and she was right there being really cool and supportive. I did find out that weekend that she was upset because a mutual friend of ours referred a Realtor to me that our mutual friend knew for years. The Realtor knew my friend in question but was not close to her. Thank God! He was awesome! About two weeks after we moved in our place, our Realtor gave his friend that referred us to him, money! A pretty nice referral fee. My friend in question wanted to know where her cut of that money was???? She did not refer the Realtor nor is she close with him. I had no idea that he was going to give our other friend a referral fee. Now my friend in question is very short and off handed with me. Again….here I go! Pushing 40 and can not seem to keep friends that don’t have stupid jealousy issues and/or an false since of entitlement! Wondering?? I grew up around tons of boys and really did not interact and become friends with girls until my early teens. I truly do not feel jealousy toward my friends. I came from a broken and struggling home. I am not a privileged person and I have never bragged or any such as to my acomplishments but I seem to keep having the same problems with friends. It hurts when you find out that your so called friends can’t be happy for you but you are the first to celebrate with them!

  72. Uh, “Lord-Santa”-
    Like men are not jealous and competetive? Give me a break! And some of the first posters on here are men ARE men. The difference is, men often expect relationships to be games of competition, so they aren’t on here venting hurt. Women, on the other hand, tend to expect relationships to be supportive partnerships, and when they aren’t, it hurts and we want to figure out what happened and why. The fact that you are on here trying to make it a competition between men and women proves my point.
    P.S. I’ve had at least 2 boyfriends who were very jealous and non-supportive of my accomplishments. Jeez, just look how men have re-written history to completely discount accomplishments made by women. This is a problem of insecurity and immaturity, NOT gender.

  73. Hi AK, when it comes on to christianity I am on the front page so I am well aware of these so call christian that goes around quoting scriptures from the Holy bible but yet they forget in Psalms it stated to be very careful of the people you even walk with into the house of God, your own flesh will fail you so you dear not trust your own.

    Am sorry but a lot of them are in the church, some make even praying that you lose your job, your friends and family, so be careful of these people and their prayer group. They need to get their heart purge out frist before they mention about praying with clean hearted people.

  74. Cassie, for God sake forget about backlass, we all have done things in our life that we may regret, so what ? you wont be the first or the last, forget about this nonsense party why do you have to subject yourself to these hideous situation ? forget their social gathering this is how you phase them out by cutting off little.

    Does this person paying your bills for you ? or does this person holds the key to your life? or does this person hold your sucess and destiny in their hand? If the answer is yes then you have major issues to deal with, and if the answer is no, then tell them to PISS OFF.False friends are like autumn leaves youfind them everywhere you go but a true friend is rear and hard to find. Thank God am one of them.LOL.

  75. To further update this thread,
    I just got an email from an ACTUAL friend (of 22 years) who had spoken to my former toxic friend about me. It has been over a year now since the phase-out begun, so we only see each other at mutual friend functions now. No phone calls, no email or texts. Here is a particular exerpt:

    “So I just don’t know. I feel like I got slapped in the face. Of all the real and imagined slights that I ever did to her…of all the things I did inadvertently… of all the things that I had to make sure I didn’t say…didn’t do…didn’t be…is it worth it in the end?”

    Of all the things she did to me, now that I did this to her, is it worth it in the end? Seriously? I couldn’t believe I was reading this! YET, this is EXACTLY how she’s always been!! “Imagined slights?” Please note the inference that I must’ve been off my rocker, dreaming up ’slights’ because I was such a terrible friend to her…See how it’s about her, and how I wronged her? Toxic goes on to say…

    “I’m really not sure if I want to reconnect. I don’t think I want to be buddy-buddy with her again, but I hate the fact that there’s so much animosity and coldness in the air. I just don’t know what to talk to her about anymore, I feel as if I always have to be careful of what I say, to make sure I don’t offend…She always bitched at me to “be who I want to be, say what I want to say”, yet… if I did…ha! ”

    When she came crying to me that she wanted to abandon her hubby and baby and literally run away, I told her to stand up and be her and say what she needed to say, do, etc…that her hubby would still love her and they could make it work. That was me ‘bitching’ at her. Why do you think there’s so much coldness in the air? Because I gave and gave and she took and took and I can’t take it anymore. And see how it’s all MY fault?!??!!?! But she can’t even tell my other friend what she really thinks…please note the laugh. “Yet…if I did…” Ooh, it would probably be like hitting the red button to launch the nuke. It would probably burn my eyebrows off or something. Yeah, there’s NO way I could handle that…

    This is a petty thread, I know, but I just wanted to show everyone how all her crying that she missed me and wanted to restart our friendship bull from a year ago has now degenerated into this. She never did care, and she’s only mad that she doesn’t get the attention out of me that she used to. It just shows me that I did the right thing and that I deserved to enjoy the past year as I have done. It was worth it. Nothing would have changed if I had stayed. For all she professed to me out of deep love of friendship of 15 some odd years, this is all that’s left.
    And now I know she never really was my friend. Sad, but true.

  76. I had actually meant to write this to YL and then saw that the subject of backlash came up in subsequent posts. Here is the thing - we may worry about cutting these people out of our lives because imagine the heinous things they are going to say about us. (I know I have felt that weird pit in my stomach from thinking such a thing.) But the reality is - or probably is - they are already saying sh*t anyway! Maybe you just need to say, “Okay, so and so is saying really bad things about me and maybe there are even some people who believe her.” Just say it over and over again calmly until you can be at peace with that anxiety. And then, cut the toxic person out. It’s the only way.

    And Lord_Santa, men are very competitive and bitchy with oneanother, although I do think that they are less so than women. (Or maybe they express it less? Honestly, I am hesitant to make any blanket statements on gender differences.) If women express envy and competitiveness more often, I don’t think it has anything to do with their inherent nature, but the powerlessness of women in our society. True, things have changed greatly , but I still know a lot of women who think they are nothing without a man’s attention or love. Powerlessness is what breeds envy. If you are confident that you are capable of achieving what you want on your own, then you are less likely to suffer from envy. If you somehow think the gifts or talents or beauty or love whatever it is, reside outside of your own power, then you are more likely to be envious. That’s just my own theory on it.

  77. Is that Mattie being eloquent again? Here, here to above post, however I don’t necessarily think men do express their jealousy less…to men or women. If anything, just because of the prejudice in our society that says women are the more bitchy, I think the men are much more comfortable with their put downs to each other and women. Think about some of your exes (or currents). Did they make insecure, snipey comments about attractive or successful men? Did they get insecure about your talents and successes? I’ve had both of those experiences in spades. And, on top of it, men play women against each other. Men accidentally on purpose get caught eyeing other women in social situations or in other ways tweek their GF’s or wives into feeling insecure about other women. We women are so much easier to control when we are insecure. And unfortunately, women are pretty easy targets if a guy wants to make her feel insecure about other women. The media makes sure of that. In fact, maybe the media makes fools out of all of us by creating this competitive, shallow society where people measure themselves by others instead of by their own true desires.

  78. Hey Rocy, you sweetiepie! Yes, that was me. And I agree with your “however.” In fact, I spent yesterday trying to think of the ways in which men express envy. Since I have never been in a men’s bathroom, I couldn’t come up with concrete examples. (Ha ha. Don’t tell me that men don’t check each other out while standing at the U. )

    Seriously, I think that men may expresss their envy in ways that aren’t very apparent to me. Maybe I just have a sort of blind spot here. I assure you that if I do, it isn’t because I am cutting men any particular slack - it’s just the way it is.

    Have you ever had the experience of having a totally passive-aggressive female subtly giving you the business at a dinner party while the men at the table didn’t even notice? I’ve had that situation and have explained the thing to my male companion while he’s just looked at me with complete mystification. (And I don’t date dumb guys.) It’s the oddest thing. I wonder sometimes if the same thing is going on with men - subtle cues between them.

    I will say that I work in a male-dominated field and that it wasn’t until the second year that I was in my job that certain male colleagues started to confide in me with regard to their rivalries. I started to learn a ton of stuff about all the men in my department and their politicking, etc. It was very interesting to me that I hadn’t picked up on some of it earlier. (Granted, I rarely work on site - but typically, I am much more in tune to verbal cues - say, on a conference call or something.)

  79. Hi, I came across this site after doing a search in Google on “when a friend wants to be like you”. Where do I begin? Jealously…ugh it’s been annoying me lately as I’ve been noticing the comments and toxicity of certain people in my life and of course you ask why are they in your life, how did they get there and what is their problem?

    Case 1: I know a person who for me is more of an acquaintance and I’ve kept her there at that distance as she only calls me when she is need of a chauffeur usually starting the message with “Do you want to go out for coffee…oh and I have to return a book, go do errands, go to this store, etc.”

    Recently I graduated with a master’s degree in education. This acquaintance never offered me congrats on this accomplishment but had sent me an email for a teaching job that she applied for-mind you she doesn’t have the background, degree or qualifications-and had to gall to ask if it didn’t pan out for her and they were looking for “more qualifications”, if she could forward my name and number to the hiring person. This annoyed me, basically my hard work in obtaining a master’s degree is no big deal really and she can do what I can do! Of course unbeknownst to her I had applied to the same place.

    And then I made a mistake in inviting her to my birthday party where she kept asking everyone how do they know me, where did they meet me, etc. etc. My friends were appalled and uncomfortable as they told me later on.

    It’s really late now but there’s more. I have my struggles in life but I don’t covet what other people have. I don’t have the energy to sit around comparing myself to other people all day. I like people who are positive and appreciate me instead of constantly putting down in whatever I do accomplish as if it’s nothing, has no value or merit or just starts flipping out and saying, “how did you get that job or how did you buy that?”

  80. Well, Anna, to be blunt, that one sounds like a candidate for the dumper. Easier said than done for sure.

  81. Carrie wrote “They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them”

    That is totally my cousin Carrie. Thank you so much! I am learning so much from you and everyone else on this site! xxx

  82. Mattie wrote “I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous”.

    Wow Mattie that is me to a T! I haven’t worked in a couple of years due to being bullied and your post has given me some real insight into why it has happened and how I can avoid it. Thank you! xx

  83. Rocy wrote “nuclear ballistic”

    LOL!! Love it!! =D xxx

  84. Hi Mattie,
    Thanks for your comments. Since my post I have not spoken to my old friend. She still has a place in my heart for old times sake. We did have good times in college and soon after. I stopped my remote on an episode of Housewives of Atlanta and said to myself “all the lies,backstabbing, rudeness, and outrageous behavior these women display could be my life if I continued my friendship with the woman. She was hurting my feelings and I was becoming defensive, cynical, and sarcastic. I wasn’t being myself when I spoke to her, I was turning into the stuck-up, snooty person that she wanted me to be when I spoke with her just to give her more to be jealous of. This is not me. I am a modest person, I do not brag or bost but I knew any little amount of my happines drove her crazy so I would push her buttons just to see how hateful she could be and to sharpen of my defensive skills.
    Needless to say, I was giving this woman to much power and energy over my life. I am preganant and planning a wedding so this will be my main focus for now on. Hopefully this will be the first and last friend I will lose to jealousy.

  85. WooHoo! Victory Made Today! by A Super Model ! (Success again)

    On Todays News!

    A Jealous friend who disguised herself with a anonymous internet blog name tried to de-fame this Super Model more than a few times.

    The Super Model contacted Google, they took the blog down but wouldn’t reveal the identity of the blogger. So the Super Model contacted her Lawyer and sued Google! Google then revealed the perpetrators e-mail to which the Super Model knew and then called & confronted & forgave the girl but is pursuing legal action against her (defamation of character).

    Whoo Hoo!! Yea! Victory!!!!! Shame on The Jealous Insecure!!!!!!! Grow Up Already!!!!!

  86. Hi Confused Woman - I am glad my post was helpful to you! I hope it helps you on your way to more fulfilling work!

  87. YL - you are welcome, and I have to thank you as well. What you’ve said in your post describes the same situation that I am in. I actually came here because I am having an issue with a friend that I probably just need to let go of and of course, it’s hard. The thing that really bothers me is that I cannot be natural around her anymore. It’s just so weird to me – aside from all the drama and weirdness of it, I do not understand why people continue to do it. It’s like – you both know you don’t like each other anymore and yet you go on. It’s like eating fast food to me – no offense to any fast foodies, but for me, it isn’t “real” food. As it is, I’m so often forced to be fake at work and I find it totally exhausting.

    So why do it? Guilt? What would happen if we just said, “Hey you know the vibe is not there anymore….” Really, the problem is that doesn’t feel right - I feel that at some point, she just turned into a different person and pulled her claws out. Truly, I feel hurt and angry and that it’s not my fault.

  88. I am in the same boat as all of you.

    I feel really hurt because I try hard never to talk about my successes too much.

    I never show off, but my friends read about things in the newspaper and then they start bitching about me or do something nasty.

    I believe you guys are right when you say that ”we” have changed and it is time to move on and find NEW friends.

    That does not mean finding friends with better jobs or better looks, that means finding positive and very CONFIDENT friends who are really happy with what their lives are about.

  89. I have experienced this very same thing since the beginning of my college years. Up until then, I didn’t realize I had anything going on in my life that was worth people being jealous about. That is until certain “friends” began to behave in a jealous way towards me. I am very ambitious and have accomplished a lot and am “pretty” in the eyes of other people. Jealousy is a perverse form of admiration. They secretly admire you, but their insecurities and unhappiness won’t allow them to respond to your success, victories and blessings in a normal, healthy way. One problem is this: many people see the fruit of your labor that got you where you are, but they never realize the struggles you went through to get there.

    And for us who are Christians, what a shame that people are jealous of one another. They fail to realize that we have the same Heavenly Father and He is no respecter or persons! People want what you have, but they are not willing to go through what you have gone through to obtain it. I realize that God sends certain people in your life for a reason. Sometimes it is to show the people who are jealous of you what is actually in them so that they will come to realize that they even have a problem that requires God’s help to overcome.

    I realize that my life is blessed. Not perfect, I might add. And I have learned that when you want to simply share your personal victories and blessings (not bragging) that you have in your life, not everyone around you is a candidate with whom to share that information. They just can’t handle it for whatever reasons. I have learned to love people from a distance. Even Jesus Christ didn’t associate Himself with everyone! He knew when to be around people, and when to draw away to Himself. He had a close inner circle, and Judas betrayed Him (b/c of greed, not jealousy, though). I recommend that all of us who have suffered at the hand of the ugliness of jealousy and envy take heed to what I have gleaned from experience so as to save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain.

  90. i am always troubled by other girls being jealous of me. mind you, i am not gorgeous, smart or talented. however, i always feels that girls, especially the pretty ones always attack me. they like to make sublte remarks about me behind my back and make me feel bad about muself. this really bothers me, and even keeps me up an nite. why are they so mean? cant they just leave me alone? i am condident about myself but i never impose my confidence on anayone and never put people down. is there something i can do to avoid this jealousy? or maybe i’m doing something wrong?

  91. Amy,
    Its obvious you have something they lack, so keep your head up & keep walking out your journey…. they are not worth losing sleep over!
    They have nothing better to do than to push your buttons and be entertained by your reaction….. They need to get a life!
    We can do the best we can to avoid toxic people, but when we have to live with them, go to school with them, work with them & so on, we just have to find courage within ourselves to do what is best.
    Talk to someone that can give you professional advice on how to deal with it best for your situation.
    Best-Anne

  92. I am approaching 60, but look & feel 40′ish - outsiders give me mad compliments!
    Most of my adult life I thought I was the problem - I would try harder when people treated me sh***y. Unbeknown to me (until I got into therapy for 2 years) I didn’t know any other treatment. I have been treated this way from early childhood (no exaggeration) my mother and two sisters were extremely jealous of my relationship with my father (he & I were BFFs and my mom never knew her dad) and the fact that I looked different then they did certainly did not help matters (Blond, blue eyed with high cheekbones - funny thing is I was always a tomboy - no interest in makeup/dressup/boys until late teens). I have stories that people think I’ve fabricated because what my mother & sisters did to me was so WACKed out! Well at this point in life I’ve just about healed the wounds, but refuse to let females close enough to inflict more damage - it really seems to be never-ending. My motto now is “don’t take it out on me - go talk to your mother & father if you don’t like the way you look/turned out/whatever you’re unhappy about.
    I thank GOD everyday that I don’t suffer from jealousy, and I pray daily to keep from becoming bitter & unforgiving - I forgive pain inflicting females from a healthy distance!

  93. Hi Mattie,

    You made an interesting point. Why can’t we just be real and say, “The vibe isn’t there anymore”. I think that as women we try to be polite and just grin and bare it. I know that if this woman disrepects me again by using the happiness and succes in my life to start a “hate” monolouge towards me then I will most likey tell her to just keep it moving. I know the thing that bother’s her the most about me is that I have changed. I don’t go out much, I have new friends of different races, I travel often and I am more involved in my family then with any of my old friends. I don’t call them or see them much. So when I talk to my old friends they all notice a difference and vice versa. This one friend seems to be the only one whom has a serious problem with me. The strangest thing Mattie is that after all her mean facebook post and comments she invited me to celebrate her birthday for Labor Day weekend. I turned her down nicely by letting her know that although I would love to go “bar hopping” with her for her 31st bday my family and I were taking yet another vacation in Florida that weekend….I couldn’t help myself. lmao

  94. I’m glad I found this site, I can relate to “Amy” especially. I have come to the realization that so many people were never my “friends” Only liked me when I was fatter. I lost weight and look out!! People felt free to make comments about some of my lumps getting smaller. At Work!!! Made me very self conscious and I kept losing more weight. So I quit that job because of the toxicity and comments. Now I can’t find a decent job to save my life!!! Sometimes I wonder if when I go to interviews the older, frumpy lady interviewing can’t see beyond my appearence. Mind you I consider myself “so-so” But am told I am pretty. If people really knew how unconfident and self depricating I am, they may not be jealous. I’m still gonna take care of myself regardless of others. I say they should try to get on the same bandwagon and shower, dye their hair, exercise, try enjoying sex more, eat healthier, quit being so miserable and quit trying to decipher me and my life. I quess I don’t have to worry anyone because I am home alone with no friends or coworkers. They can feel better knowing I am now isolated in my house where no one can see me. I feel so bad about myself and have no confidence anymore. I’ve considered suicide. I feel so alone in this world…..I’ve even considered taking a knife to my face. I can’t help what god gave me ya know? People just don’t realize how they can affect someone and their livlihood……nor do they care!! I have been seriously mentally affected and it hurts so bad. I am so alone with no friends. I’ve learned that I can only lean on my husband and little girl. I feel they are the only ones who love me unconditionally. Anyone out there feel this bad?

  95. Deanie,
    Everyone goes through feeling down and sometimes stress & hormones can drive you to your lowest. but dont mentally paint yourself in a corner or live your life that way, you have So much to live for! dont let the insecure bullies make you feel less than. If you read all the stories here you will see that jealousy is just a part of life that we all have to deal with but we all want Better! so do you!
    So find some one professional to talk to so you wont feel self destructive about yourself. Its hard to trust but we all cant stop it all together or we will be all alone. Know that God loves you and he will never leave you or forsake you. Hope You Feel Better soon! :) Anne anniezheart41@aol

  96. well hey maybe you should be friends with women who are also targets of jealousy. b/c i totally hear you on this. i hate that my friends are jealous. actually the envy in and of itself doesn’t bother me. everyone feels envy at times. it’s when some people act out the envy with hostility that results when the person is that insecure. i get jealous too sometimes but i don’t try to sabotage people or anything like that. if i were you i might try to find women who are happy and who struggle with the same experience as you as far as people being jealous. it’s not hard to find, all you have to do is find successful happy women. chances are if they are truly successful and happy, someone has been jealous of them. for me, i just got engaged and you can imagine with jealous friends to begin with what i’m going thru. so what i’m trying to do is be around people who are in healthy relationships/marriages and have been thru what i’ve been thru in terms of the jealousy from others. it feels so much better. keep away from the jealous ones, they’re toxic. you don’t deserve that. but there are women out there who are not like this, believe me. just have to keep looking.

  97. Hey everyone, this is a great website. I have has some of the same issues, since I am a natural saver and was able to buy a house sooner than a lot of people in their mid 20s and I got married earlier. I have found the solution to jealous friends for me anyways. Most of my current friends are not 15-20 years older than me. I have found that people this much older than me actually have a lot more in common with me than those my age. I am now 28 and my best friends are in their early to mid 40’s. It may seem strange but since most people my age are still going to clubs and partying and I have never really been into that, they get jealous of the new house, the new car, the new dog that I have. It’s hard because people my age don’t know that I don’t spend money on all the things they do such as going out to eat all the time, going on spring break vacation and going out to clubs and drinking. Instead I spend my money on our house and family. I have found that older friends really are at the same mindset as me. Most of my older friends don’t have kids either just like me so their lives haven’t really changed the way lives do when you have kids. Maybe looking at people who are in a similar life situation rather than age situation as you will help. It’s definitely helped me.
    On a side note, last year I met a friend that I work with that around my age, she is 30. She got very jealous when she found out we have a house and she still rents but it was okay. Our relationship really took a turn for the worst when I told her that my husband and I finally decided on a timeline to have kids. He wants them as soon as possible and I wanted to wait. We decided on having them in 2 years. When I told her this information she was visibly upset and go very quiet. She has always said she wanted to be married at 22 and kids at 25 and she thinks she is too old now. She has never even been on a date. Can our relationship be salvaged or are our lives just too different? Any advice is appreciated.

  98. The devil uses jealousy as one of main weapons to put us down. We are people with Godly qualities ( check to see this is so with yourself) so he cant stand this about us because if given a chance we can bring others to love the Lord and cause a big change in the world. Away wit him I say so presently anyone who I catch being jealous of me , i get rid of them out of my life completely.

  99. To update the saga that will not stop—
    It has been almost 2 yrs since I have phased ‘Toxic’ out of my life. The mutual friend, I have kept. (mistake)
    Last week, Mutual sat me down in a restaurant to tell me she doesn’t trust me. She is not judgmental, and does not gossip about me. Then she proceeded for 3hrs to discuss all the gossip she shares with ‘Toxic’ about ME. And, after knowing how insane ‘Toxic’ was being to me, Mutual decided to believe her lies anyway and now she doesn’t trust ME. One of my friends “looked” at Mutual in a mean way, so she judged that I had told this person lies about her to turn that person against her. But remember! She’s not judgmental.

    Jealousy is like cancer that spreads throughout the body. Now, I have to start phasing Mutual out of my life the same as I did to ‘Toxic’. There is no cure! If she would rather believe the words and actions of other people rather than the words and actions of ME, there’s no way a friendship can survive that! How do I defend my reputation because someone ‘looked’ at her in a mean way? It’s insane!

    Mutual wrapped up the 3hr flogging by saying she wants to salvage what’s left of our friendship. That I should take some time and think over what she said. What is there left to say? She loves the lies of ‘Toxic’ instead of my truth. I can’t compete with that, and I refuse to tell better lies than ‘Toxic’ to win back her attention. We are not children, and I did not grow up thinking I had to play games like this!

  100. I am feeling very lonely too and its all because of jealously. Most of my women friends get jealous of me and as someone mention earlier on I am not very attractive but I am a very versatile person.Recently, I graduated from university with honors and i can tell you it was not easy for me. In the last semester, the ladies in my group was so cruel to me that I felt like vanishing.Added to this they started sending strange messages through my email to get me down and guess what.. they are still lagging behind even though they did all in their power to keep me down.I am now about to pursue masters degree and I don’t really have time for these people. I’d say we have something that they do not have and this should not be our problem. “If mangoes were not on the tree , nobody would stone the tree” Think about this today my friends !!!!!!!!!!

  101. I know exactly what you are talking about. My best friend and I are very close, and whenever she has an accomplishment or a success I congratulate her and feel genuinely happy for her even when I’m jealous. I feel as if I’m very supportive and yet whenever I accomplish something she does not treat me the same way. She changes the subject or doesn’t listen or even tries to put me down. I don’t understand it. It really frustrates me that her jealousy overpowers our friendship.

  102. I want to test this site (is it still active?) then, leave my post. :)

  103. Hi everybody! (for those of you who are tuning in).

    I have read most of the posts and, it seems, we have all experienced the same kind of thing, nasty JEALOUSY! There are many things we have in common and are repeated here quite often… ‘we’ (those posting here) are friendly, outgoing, sincere, caring, successful…real people pleasers!, etc. :).
    I guess this warm, friendly, (Happy, happy) persona could have developed, as protection, in childhood. (My folks were alcoholics and I needed to bring in the harmony!) This emotional neglect, abuse,… whatever may have contributed to who we are, nice. Now we have discovered that many people “friends” resent ‘niceness’ …especially when we excell!
    One time, several years ago, I was involved with a group doing research on friendship. Many of us had known one another quite well and considered ourselves friends, so this was suppose to be a fun and interesting exploration. Little did we know…
    There were psychologist in the group to add a little expertise! It was an informal ‘circle of friends’ with coffee and cookies included! We met once a week for several hours over several weeks.
    During one meeting, well into the into the discussions, someone posed and interesting exercise. We were told to break off to groups of three and talk about what we really thought about the people in our little threesome. We were told to be totally honest…no ‘just to be nice stuff’…real honesty!! They were emphatic that we be truthful!!

    I pulled two of my favorite folks aside knowing that it would be a real schmooze session…lots of hugs all around. Bill and Kate had been friends for years and I considered them lifelong buddies!

    I suggested that Kate go first and asked her what her thoughts/feelings were about me! I was all smiles with expectation! Well…first she said…”I would like to wipe that smile off of your face!” (Oh my god!) Then she proceeded to say, “I hate the way you are always frriendly, helpful…miss goody two shoes! I would like to knock you off your high horse!”(My stomach caved)
    She went on like this for quite some time and I just stood there…frozen, barely breathing.
    She and Bill had been friends for a longer time and I looked to him to read his expression and maybe for support. He picked up where she left off…”Yeah, knock you down and kick the sh*t out of you!” I remember searching their faces, hoping that his was a mean joke and that they would break out laughing. But no, their eyes were steely cold. It’s amazing how I stood there and numbly told them that I had no idea that they felt this way and that my friendliness was genuine and heartfelt. Also, that I had always considered them as friends!
    I don’t remember much after that. I was sick. I had no idea that people could harbor such meaness and yet, act like we were friends!!
    Eventually, I excused myself and ran upstiars and threw myself on the bed and sobbed. I felt like I had literally been kicked in the stomach. :(
    My husband and I had a lovely home and gladly opened it to this group. We provided plentiful snacks, drinks and even meals during many of the meetings. Most of these people were single and living from paycheck to paycheck. Many of them, including Bill and Kate, were not prospering in many ways. This didn’t matter to me. I guess I thought friendship wasn’t about what we owned, but about hearts and affection for one another!
    I think I was resented for ‘having it all’ and sharing it, to them, was like rubbing their noses in my good fortune.

    That day changed me in some ways. I have not trusted people like I once did. I have since divorced, remarried, had many hard times. My husband, when he is home, is my best friend and I have two great cats!!!
    Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing and can turn into just plain hate. amazing. Thanks to all of you for sharing. I am not so alone, afterall. ;)

  104. yes I have had this problem before and it is still going on. you just need to stit your friend down and tell her what you fell. I understand if that is a very difficult to you but it is worth the try. I f your friend does not understand that it is hurting you then she/he is not really a true friend.
    Just try to work it out….. you never know intill you try.

  105. !!!! thank you for this site.

    i’ve been through so much over the passed few years.

    i would like to begin with this girl that i met in 3rd grade (reaching back but it’s still relevant today). this girl was insane. she was quite popular and very beautiful, but she would tourment me all the time…always picking fights, pretending that she bumped her head, borrowing things from me and then giving them to her friends as gifts. the girl even stole from me and was caught infront of my best friend, me and my friends mother…she cried and ran outside and just stood there.

    i was always a normal weight to skinny kid, but when i hit puberty i became quite the chubby bunny. people were out right rude to me, but i never cried or let it get me down. i just tuned them out and concentrated on what i wanted and my future goals (college, careers, and a life partner…even though these were all many years from that time i knew everything i did at that time would count later on).

    during the christmas break my mom brought this work out video home and i decided to do it with her. by the end of the spring semester i had lost 20 lbs. i took my time, i ate all the normal foods that most kids my age ate but stuck to 1500 to 1800 calories a day and lost about 45 lbs in a year and 1/2. i began high school ( still having a few lbs left but phsyically different), instead of congratulating me all of the girls wanted to know if i was throwing up or anorexic. i would say no no no no. i wondered why these people didn’t take notice the first 20lbs. girls would yell “ANOREXIC” down the hall. i had never had girls act this way towards me and i didn’t understand. i thought maybe i did look bad. i tried building muscle and people began to leave me alone. one girl i went to school with worked at the gym and would see me do 30 min of cardio and an hour of weights…come to find out that she was talking behind my back like i had a “problem.” to this day a girl i’ve known since 6th grade won’t except that i lost the weight the right way, she continously refers back to that time thinking she can get me to “admitt” that i starved or took some crazy diet pills (this girl is quite thin herself and actually went to rehab for her eating disorder). i was about a size 2 then. i notice i never heard any complaints from guys. i got so sick of the crap that i began to go to the grocery store and would hit the bakery department and would buy two things of cookies and would eat both in a day including one loaf of bread. i desperately tried to build muscle. i did. once i did i got what i wanted…all of these girls left me alone…infact that ignored me.

    i joined lacrosse my junior year and met this one girl who was eager to be my friend. she was ever so nice for a good two years, then she changed. it was slight…i thought i had lost my mind she head butted my teeth. i have naturally straight, extremely white teeth and people compliment them all the time and ask if i’ve ever had braces. i realize now that, that was no accident. another girl i met at a halloween party and she quickly adopted me as her friend…she was one of those people who MADE she that after she hung out with you…you HAD to hang out with her the next week. she made sure she was my plans. she was extremely insecure and had major issues with food. she girl would binge on food for a week and then not eat of a week. i know most of you would say drop these people. most of the girls in my town…including there mother and so many young boys have eating disorders…it’s just that common. she began to drain me. even one weekend i made plans ahead of time to go see a movie with my best friend during the week. i told her and she acting upset…as if i were her’s and no one else’s.

    when we first moved to this town we moved in an average house. my mom wanted to have more children, and everytime she got pregnant we would go house hunting, but she should always miscarry…this went on for about a decade. so we remained in that house.

    well my parents have always given me what i wanted ( we were poor before, but things became extremely good and we moved to this town). before we moved to this town i went to a predominately white catholic school and then i moved here which is also predominately whtie. i IMMEDIATELY saw how people treated me based on my skin color (i’m black)…i saw how people had set roles for me and expected me to stick to them…this is why even in jr high i didn’t care what people said to me or how they treated me, b/c i knew it was pure crap.

    i’m not saying all, but atleast 25% of the kids i went to school with had luxury cars…like ferrari’s. i was expecting anything, but my parents bought me a black vw jetta…EXACTLY what i wanted i was so happy. so many other kids at my school had cars just like mine but acted like i was insane (and NO this is not all in my head, i have had people tell me that i’m black and that i must have stolen these things…thing a and thing b in order to have them). i just don’t think these people liked the idea of me having anything, especially if i had more than them.

    so i went to a private univeristy my first year.

  106. i had two roommates, who were both insecure size 6/8 girls, who were so beautiful. i was a size 2. instead of including me in things, they quickly banded against me, talked about me, would talk about me on IM when i was in the room across from them watching. would yell at me for the silliest, and would go out without me on purpose. all of my neighbors could see what was going on. i tried talking to them and they combated every word i had. i even told them that no matter what i said it didn’t matter b/c you guys are listening to a word i’m saying. and literally one of the girls said…sweeties, it doesn’t matter what you say we aren’t listening to a word you’re saying (lol…no joke). i wanted to have a positive experience w/o locking up my stuff everytime i left the room…so i moved out. they watched me on facebook even though i deleted them. and as soon as they saw halloween pictures they were desperately trying to be so nice to me.

    my 2nd semester i found a lump on my right breast and was taking 18 hours. i was so stressed. i was so scared that i’d lose my breasts, my hair and my life. ’til this day i’m 22 (23 in december), a virgin, don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. i went home over spring break and went to go get my hair done (STILL waiting on this doctors appointment). i asked for a trim…i have a tendency to be nervous about people cutting my hair so she turned me around. when she was down she turned me around again…i went from a bob to a pixie cut…with the thought of cancer in my mind this did not help…i cried and cried everytime i looked in the mirror. the girl who would make me hang out with her called me up like it was so important…even showing up to my house. i was still recovering from having 3 of 6 wisdom teeth removed, but wanted to go out. this girl does nothing but yell, degrade and embarress me infront of people (she has no personality so she has to talk about everyone including her own family members). i was on medication and had enough when she started accusing me of having phone sex with some guy…some guy i hardly know. it just insane, then telling me that i needed to shut up and get over it when it came to this lump (i was on medication…don’t know why i told her).

    the other girl i met from lacrosse went to a private school in NY that was 60 grand, her parents couldn’t afford it. she would call me at school trying to push her issues on my saying this like, “hey, how school??? expensive for you,” knowing that my parents could afford it. this is the same girl that i spent a whole summer with making cupcakes with every morning to sell so she could have some extra money for school.

    i came hoem that summer and had surgery, thank god it wasn’t cancer. i signed for 11 hrs of school that summer and worked part time to have something constructive to do ( i was just so happy to have my health). i worked out hard and vowed not to eat crap that i don’t want to and not to listen to people who try to convince me something is wrong with my body. not to mention this cup cake girl was abusive to her mother after she lost both of her breast from breast cancer just a few months before that. naturally and luckily b/c of work i had no time for them and their negativity. i transfered school as i didn’t want to live in a college town and wanted to be in the city.

    i met a few nice people. in particular i met this girl who take all of the same classes i do. i thought she would be nice to study with, but all she wanted to do was use me for help and on top of that she was jealous of me and competing with me. she would lie about her grades and when i’d tell her i made a b in a class she would try manipulate me by saying, “i thought you said you made a c”. i would basically explain online chem quizzes to her to the point where all she ahd to do was punch the numbers into the calculator. not to mention one night b4 a final i drove up to the most busiest parts of town that have a 24 hr starbucks to help her with chemistry…she sat there not attempting to absorb anything. i felt bad for her b/c she said her mom had surgery the next day. the next semester i had a doctor appointment and missed the class where they give out the password to access the notes online. i went up to school looking everywhere for the professor or TA. that girl was the only person’s number i had in that class. i didn’t want to get behind b/c the class was every other day the chapters were a long 60 pages. she kept saying she’d give me the password later…she never did. the password was watson and crick…that simple. i was walking behind this girl she was friends with but i couldn’t remember her name so i didn’t say anything. she was talking on the phone with the girl and she was telling her that i was trying to USE her…wow, just wow. then ontop of that everytime i see her she has someone “helping” her with a subject everyday that semester…she basically uses people to get her work done, but can turn around in a split second and say someone else is doing it.

  107. i tried being nice for a while, but then i thought i don’t need this. i haven’t done anything wrong and this girl needs to stop pretending like she’s the victim for someone needing the password “watson and crick”…my gosh…

    back to that clingy drama queen and the so called nice girl. well i went to see them that thankgiving break. i had lost all the weight by just eating right and exercising. i have a mesomorphic body and put on muscle easily, so i work at putting on lean muscle which burns fat. they began to outcast me and make me feel like something is wrong with me trying to convince me that i have a problem. i got compliments from strangers all the time about how lean my legs were and what i did and my blood pressure was 92/70. by christmas i had enough of the BS and told one of them off. i gave the so called nice girl half a chance and saw her when i went to visit a friend in austin. i got a burberry headband as a gift over the christmas break and never mentioned it. when i saw her she started going on about how i didn’t need that headband and that she could make it herself. this girl spends hours on end planning a wardrobe that is designed and ‘looks” like she doesn’t care…on top of that i have never seen this girl eat a meal…NEVER…nor have i seen her nibble on bread. my best friend couldn’t stand her, not to mention she kept rubbing her hands on her bf’s thigh. i told her off…i took her number off of my phone.

  108. i’m not done…but i will finish this post later.

  109. Hi Houston…

    Wow! You needed to ‘talk’ about this jealousy thing! :) It sounds like you have had a lot of frustration around people and pettiness. I am A LOT older than you, so cannot relate completely. I will say this, though. I have found that I have to except some people as they are…pettiness and all. If we want “friends”, on some level, we have to forgive their ignorance (and I do mean ignorance!) and move on with life…otherwise, we will be alone all our lives. People (including us!) are so far from perfect!! ;)
    You may be an HSP,,,highly sensitive people- person. they make up 25% of the population. There are books (Amazon) on the subject. Read the reader’s comments about the books and you may read about yourself. HSP’s notice and feel EVERYTHING!
    Many people walk around in a fog, noticing little and hurting others with their clumsy ignorance. Most of the time they are completely unaware of how much they hurt others. also, they tend to band together! Oddly enough, HSP people annoy them and they will be crude/rude to show their annoyance by putting them down, ignoring them, etc.
    I wish I could say that this sensitive nature goes away, but it only lightens a bit. Being highly perceptive (emotionally) is a painful life and not understood by ‘the herd’ mentality. :)

    I have learned, most of the time, to let people be who they are. If I find them intolerable (like the ones I wrote about above) I drop them from my life.

    You might want to read books on “emotional intelligence”, as well. Our schools teach us academics, but the subject of emotions is rarely touched upon. I know people (Hitler types) that are clueless about the ‘feeling world’.

    I like kind, thoughtful, people (a rare breed) and just can’t help myself! Ha ha

    This may all sounds paranoid, but…oh well…so be it.

  110. Petperson- You wrote a very nice letter to Houston, and helpful suggestions, I think. You gave nice, wise, open-hearted advice, and bless you. Now I am going to be the critic.
    Houston-for you to have written those incredibly long and multiple posts detailing miniscule things that filled up everybody’s inbox today, you may, in fact, have a very, very, very big ego and be extremely self-involved. I wonder if most converstions you have with your friends revolve around you…if you dominate the scene, act like the center of the universe and therefore cause resentment? I’m just saying, there may be 2 sides to this story.

  111. hi peterson and rocy. i have not finished my post and no i do not think i’m the center of attention, i hardly speak about myself to these people. i too also thought that of myself and looked in the mirror. but
    the reason why i’m reaching back so far as 2nd grade is that these same people who treated me so badly to this day still try to infliltrate my life but spreading rumors about me and then still attempted to reconnect with me…and after years of me trying to be nice and help out with anything possible and still being slammed, i’ve had enough.

    it is only NOW that i’m realizing that these people were jealous of me. i didn’t really have a friend until around 4th grade and didn’t start speaking in class until around age 12. i was tormented (to extent people saying i wish you were dead) and made fun every single day and kept to myself, so when people started treating me like this i did not recognize what was going on, i truly felt that there something wrong with me.

    i wouldn’t even tell people that a relative had died and that i’m mourning, but when prompted to do things i would tell them why. i was made fun of gossiped about and once again told to get over it.

    after awhile i started to notice that all of these people were so clingy b/c so few people wanted to be around them b/c they were so toxic and just plain mean. even their family members would tell them not to treat their friends like this.

    and i know i jumped around a lot in my post, but as soon as my parents decided to move to a newer slightly bigger house after high school, i went from someone who was nothing as they would put me down and make fun of me constantly to a total snob. i never tell anyone about what i have or even what my parents do for living.

    anyways i gave one of the girls one last chance after her continously going through the internet trying to contact me and apologizing for how she acted for about 2 years. my best firend also told me not to talk to that girl, but i thought i’d give it another chance. as soon as we started hanging out and i was just nice and not trying to make her work for my friendship she started trying to take advantage of me. i called her out nicely, she owned up to it. but it’s like she just wouldn’t stop. i began to realize all of the so called mean people and stuck up people were not what she saying they were…b/c she kept trying to be their friends..infact i knew these people and they were quite nice and got along wtih everyone. the problem was anytime someone seemed happy she would trying to bring them down and discredit anything that person had going for them like, “oh i went for a walk today,” that would be something to angry about. and then she went into full drive taking jabs at everything i’d say or do, including deleting my own relative off of my facebook. after 6 years of me walking away and saying absolutely nothing i told her off. i knew i had to because if i was nice and left her alone she would just come back again. she made sure to tell everyone that knew me or was aquainted me that she also knew i was a bad person AFTER she owned up to everything that she did to me personally. i guess she wanted to cover her tracks.

    i told her that i’d leave her number on phone b/c if she tries to call me i’ll know not to take her call. my phone accidently called her phone, she kept trying to make into me trying to contact her, i told her off again. one day i went to take a test one afternoon in the summer and came back 2 hours later to find my apt broken into. 2 days b4 that i was studying and heard my car alarm go off. i thought i was being really paranoid. as soon as i go outside it went off by itself. but the thing is my alarm never goes off except for the few times i tested it so i knew it was mine. among the things stolen from my apt was my cell phone, whoever broke in phoned my mother over and over and over agin. so i don’t know what to think.

  112. Hey, Rocy,

    I’m glad you jumped in here with your insights. I’ve liked your comments throughout this thread. Wise lady!

    Houston, I’m into a little “overwhelm” with your complicated history with friends.Yikes! I think having one on one sessions with a therapist may be in order. You have experienced so much strife with the people in your life and you need to talk it out…big time! Perhaps, being face to face, with a professional, may be just the healing that you need!

    Just a thought! :)

  113. Haha no I’m fine and I’m sure you’re still thinking NO really PLEASE get help. They did get to me and for a while I could not trust people with the simplest things. But I know I’ve changed b/c this time I confronted the person and let them ago…of course I didn’t appreciate my apt being broken into or my name being slandered. I know that I don’t need to give people a million chances when they treat me badly.

    My parents always told me that I don’t need a bunch of friends I just need one good one. I deinately get it now and I do have one and we’ve been friends since the 1st day of fourth grade and I appreciate her more than ever b4 b/c it is so rare. And I can honestly say that I have never fought with her and to boot she is my polar opposite.

  114. OMG I must add to this!!! I experienced this in people a few times and sadly one case to the degree the person sabotaged a relationship between me and another friend. It left me momentarily heartbroken, but as all things do go on in life, so did I without this person.

    I am a happy person. Giving. Grateful. Truly blessed. It is a joy to me to share that with others. The people that cannot share in that too really need to go figure out what their life is about I guess.

    Confident, caring, happy people don’t deserve the ugly that comes from those that have this issue.

    I can honestly say I don’t hate or take away from my friends when they have joy in their lives, even if mine is not at it’s peak point. We all experience a few tough times in life. We are all human and no one is perfect, but my goodness for some of the extremes I have seen some people go to in order to hate on another for no reason other than they are simply jealous is just insane to me. Totally makes me wonder about some people.

    I am glad I found this and thank you all for sharing your experiences. I wondered for a minute if this was common or rare.

  115. Hi Everyone! I just wanted to drop in and say Happy Holidays! :)

  116. Hi Jen, Thanks for sharing. Yes, we all seem to have a lot in common!

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you, Mattie…and everybody posting here! ;)

  117. Thanks Mattie & Petperson-
    Happy Holidays Everyone who posts here-
    Here’s to having healthy boundaries, self-esteem and assertive communication through the holidays :) and being secure enough to let people be what ever the heck they be–ho ho ho…Peace*

  118. Yes, “healthy boundaries” so important as we navigate through these holidays…and through this life! Ho ho ho and peace to you, Rocy! :)

  119. I know what you mean. when I decided to start working out 4 months ago, I noticed my friend used to always discourage me, or try to distract me. When i mention how my workout session went that day, she would always change the subject and say ” Im not trying to lose weight, im going to eat whatever i want.” Well its been 4 months that I have been exercising, and now i look extremley good.(I looked good before, but now im a lot more toned), and she has gained 20 pounds. Now I notice she doesnt like going out to the clubs with me anymore or to the beach like we normally do together, and the few times she did go with me, I noticed that guys hit on me more, and i think shes intimidated buy that, and that hurts me a lot. Im always trying to encourage her to workout with me, but she always finds excuses.I love her a lot, and I wish she would just get off her butt and come to the gym with me, instead of moping around talking about how she needs to lose weight, and finding any excuse not to go out with me anymore. Its funny how you can gradually lose friends when you accomplish certain goals!

  120. Discipline comes very hard for some people. Exercise repels me and I love carbohydrates! ;) I’m not ‘fat’ but I could lose about 20 lbs. Your friend sounds like she has a similar problem.
    I admire my ’skinny’ friends and may envy them just a bit…especially their clothes! But I do make my own choices, so *duh* I never begrudge their successes!
    The thing is, since I am not a youngster and can reflect, I must say good friends, fat or skinny, are very hard to come by! Lifelong friends are extremely special! I really regret losing some of my galfriends! So, don’t give up on your friend too fast. She probably is hurting. She sees you looking so good and then looks in the mirror and sees her own plump figure. (groan)
    It’s easy to say that she should just do something about it, but it’s complicated. I speak from experience…it is emotional, psychological, learned eating habits, physical (hypothyroidism), etc.
    Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how fond of her you are and how much you value her friendship. You might even talk about how hard it has been for you to go to these workouts and to continue maintaining your routine.Let her know how important this is to you…not only for looks, but the way you feel…your health!
    Find things to do with her that doesn’t involve looking spectacular (like going to clubs)…do comfortable thing, like going to a movie, taking walks, experimenting with great tasting, low fat, recipes together… Maybe take Tai chi together. That is a fun activity and one can wear loose clothes and exercise in a fun, not-so-embarrassing, way!
    Well, some things to think about. If she doesn’t respond to these acts of friendship/kindness then perhaps, give her some space for awhile. don’t break it off for good! Sometimes, time apart heals a lot. Good luck!!! I’m off to have a brownie! :)

  121. i was searching the internet about this when i came across this site, but before i found this site i found this:

    http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=56031

    petperson is right you should try to encourage her, but don’t bend over backwards, b/c some people just want you to be where they’re at. i’ve tried to take people to gym with me and all they do is complain and go back to their old habits. whether it’s extreme dieting/starvation and just nothing at all. people really have to do it for themselves.

  122. I have the same problem. It took me some time to realize it, but now it is plain to see. Women don’t make good friends. This friend is envious, If is say I took the Metra, she will say she only likes the rock island train, even though she doesn’t ride it. She is not supportive, changes the subject when I talk. When I need support she just blows me off and then talks about her repeated problems over and over. Or she will purposely just say words like she is listening. It is like dead air with her when I talk. Now I am very sippy towards her because I know she is very jealous and hateful and I am tired of her. I returned back to school to get my MSW and now she claims she is going back to school. It is really sad, but I think what I will is stop calling her. when she does call I won’t answer. She is a loser and a user. I don’t go out a lot. I like to read. Everytime she calls, it is “girl my friend call me for this and that.” Even though she is a moocher and mooches off of people for food and drinks. She somehow tries to run it in with me. I really don’t like people like her. She told me for Christmas she went to a friends house for dinner.. a moocher and took 3 places home. I told her I went to my sisters and I had old gifts from last year unopened and I wrapped one of those nice gifts for christmas and gave it to my sister. She blurted out “that’s tacky.” and this girl just admitted to mooching off of a friend with 3 plates. I am so tired of her put downs. i don’t want to wake up one day void of my self esteem because I allowed this in my life and it slowly chipped away at me. I think I will cut all strings and stop talking to her. Now I am really starting not to like her beause there is just no cause for this. She just blows my conversations off like “oh well.” So I know what you mean. I too will start looking for a male companion, they make the best friends. I was too busy with work and school, but I need a best friend and men make the best of friends.

  123. I do know this…friendship involves a lot of forgiveness, otherwise, we will spend life alone. And that’s no fun. ;]

    We have to step back and decide what we can live with…does the person have enough ‘good points’ to hang in there with them? It sounds like this particular friend doesn’t have many.

    My problem with men friends is that my hubby isn’t too excited about me dining, going to movies, etc. with a guy! Lol I will add that I wouldn’t be too thrilled with him spending his little bit of free time with another woman! And so it goes.

  124. I thought I’d never feel the way I have been feeling these days, but I guess that’s what life is all about: new challenges.

    Something great is happening to me professionally, but not ONE, and I really do mean NOT ONE person is happy for me. I am beyond hurt and surprised that the people I have shown nothing but love and support to for as long as I have known them have betrayed me like this. I always put people’s interest before my own and more times than not, I am always about everyone else’s issue, problems, happiness and whatever else. The one time something great happens to me, I cannot get a single person to show me some support or even care.

    How can I possibly call these people friends? Such a big thing has happened to me, and all of them have just ignored it and me. It hurts. It really hurts. I’m not looking for big words or anything - just a little ackowledgement.

    I’m not to sure why I’m even writing this, but it does feel good.

    Thank you.

    Rose

  125. I’m sorry, Rose. I know so well what you are saying and feeling. It does hurt when those who you thought were friends and loved ones, cannot ‘be there’ for you during these special times. I have decided that they cannot overcome their feelings of jealousy.
    Also, some people have very low ‘emotional intelligence’. Regardless, it hurts terribly.
    Well, congratulations, Rose!!!! We have to forgive our ‘friends’ for their, sometimes, awful slights/behavior etc…otherwise, we will have no friends! :)

  126. Good read…I am struggling with a friend that is very jealous & envious and has gone rather nutso on me a few times this year.

    We work together too as well as knowing each other for 15 years now.

    While I don’t take it personally as I know she is this way with many others too, I have set boundaries and have spoken up, encouragingly as well as assertively.

    I agree we have to be forgiving but…there is also a limit on what we should put up with. I have let a few mean comments and unsupportive behaviors go, BUT….if it continues in the future I am prepared to distance and only be involved in our business situations.

    I too am a very happy and caring, supportive person…I am not the jealous and envious type at all.

    There is no more poisonious emotions than pathological jealousy & envy. Many narcissistic personalities have this issue…something else to look at.

  127. I am so there with u. But understand, eagles fly alone.

  128. Hi Laurie,

    Setting boundaries is good. I guess I feel that if a “friend” leaves me feeling ‘down’ after I’ve left her/him, well, how long do I want to repeat that experience? Not too long. :)

    There are ‘mean’ people ‘out there’ and we have to protect ourselves!

    When we are around someone who is kind, thoughtful, with good ‘vibes’, it’s like a breath of fresh air! We feel good after being with them! Surrounding yourself with people like this is healthy. We should avoid those who leave us psychologically drained! .

    Life is pretty short, really, so why not choose to be with emotionally intelligent people?

  129. Hi

    Having the same problem? You have to realize its their problem not yours, rise above it all. If they speak to you just say hi, do not compromise your own dreams please follow your own dreams. A Old wise lady told me this, what goes around comes around, so dont get revenge, just shrug it off and dont tell them any struggles you are having if they ask or speak to you be “positive” and talk about positive things about you or whats happening in the world.Be polite (If you can). Thats about it. If they are still doing this. Tough its not your problem. Another friend told me to be myself thats ok and it is. She also told be p*** them off. Well if things never improve do that. dont give in to their childishness.Theirs bigger things in life to get on with than these little minded people. There really is so so so, much more to life and good friendships. Hope you are going ok.Dont compromise yourself. God bless. JH

  130. Forgot to tell you this
    You say youre a good listener etc. Well dont listen to their rubbish which it is and your very caring, hey start being gentle with you and take very much “care” of yourself you are very important and special too, we all are you have the right to take responsibility foryourself and take care of you first thats your birthright.Please take care of you first, because they are and taking advantage of you. UP THEM.You can do better, come on you can! JH

  131. Thanks, Jane for your suggestions. It sounds like you have had a lot of experience in this area! :)

  132. Petperson, I so agree with your latest post! Generally, if I get an invite out, I will respond according to my heart. If I feel great and looking forward to it, I’ll go. If not - if there is a feeling of discomfort or dread (yeah, it can be that bad) - then I just make up an excuse and get out of it. Maybe lying isn’t always the best practice, but sometimes, particularly if the person is pushing me to hang out, it gives me time to get my thoughts in order. Sometimes I can get a bit worked up over these things and I’ll end up feeling so pressured that I am overly blunt about my feelings. There’s a delicate balance that I haven’t mastered when it comes to boundaries, and I am trying to learn how to be tactful rather than hurtful. (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!)

    In the meantime, there’s a quote I keep on my desk and I think it really helps me make decisions. I would like to share it with you all. It’s by Louis L’Amour, from the book, “Ride the River: The Sacketts”:

    “Do not let yourself be bothered by the inconsequential. One has only so much time in this world, so devote it to the work and the people most important to you, to those you love and things that matter. One can waste half a lifetime with people one doesn’t really like, or doing things when one would be better off somewhere else.”

    Just love that.

  133. Hi Mattie,

    Thanks for that great quote! If we could live by that, we would find peace. I think men have an easier time of saying “for-get-about-it than we ladies do! Lol I know I go into a quandary over way too many things. I was once told that I was too conscientious! This has been my ‘cross’. :) Thanks for your note. I think you are on the right track!

  134. ha! ya i totally agree. i dont understand what the hell is the matter with all of these miserable people… gawd.. they are all pathetic.. we are all human its normal for people to feel jealousy, but to a varying degree, no one is perfect and i have felt it aswell. but it has never consumed my core.. the way i think it consumes jealous people, and i jsut dont undertand these evil hearted people. we live in a very competitive world, people will do anything to bring you down if you are successful… i’ve had this many a times with friends none which i’m close with anymore. This just happened with a friend i had for ten years!!! the thing is anytime good things happend to any of my friends i was always genuienly happy for them.. beucase i was alwyas busy with my own things. and even when i wasnt i got a kick out of seeing them grow as people.. ( one team one dream) so it was so dissapointing to see the look of jealousy on thier face..

    what i have learned is this.. if you set a goal in life and are busy working towards acheiving it, miserable people will try and take you down.. so how to eliminate the loosers?

    (regarding the words “looser”, “pathetic” and “miserable” , i know it sounds harsh, but im sorry thats what these people are! )

    how to eradicate the loosers.

    1) self preservation. (dont talk too much about future goals)

    2) weed people out, hangout with people that have thier lives in order. i find the people that are happy and have goals are too busy to be jealous becuase they have so much going on..

    3) if you meet someone and soon come to find out that they are jealous or have the potential of being jealous ditch them and look for new friends. its just not worth dealing with. i am much happier now even though i only have a handful friends but the few i have are rock solid!

  135. You are very descriptive in your writing! :) Also, you are ‘right on’!! Being successful is tough on relationships! It shouldn’t be that way, but it can sure weed out the jealous ones! I’m glad you have found a few “rock solid” friends who can stand in your light and enjoy it! Thanks for your comments!

  136. I have read most of what was said on the subject. I would like to add my honest feelings here. I have just lost 5kg after working my behind off every day. One of my closest friends has made the comment ” i dont know why youre walking every day, you dont look any thinner to me”.
    I dont want to sound like the world revolves around me, but i felt and still feel very hurt weeks later. I was 100kg and now 95kg. it took me about 5months to take 5 kilos off. the healthy, slow way. I would like just a little respect, or if its not too hard a little encouragement.what really irritates me is that when youre fat everyone says lose some weight your health is going to suffer, but when you start they speak out of envy and discourage you. well i am not blaming anyone, i just wanted to share. i do wish to forgive her from the bottom of my heart. a little forgiveness goes a long way. KEEP SMILING PEOPLE, there are worse things than hurt feelings. thanks for reading. bye

  137. Hi Sue,

    I hate to say this, but your “friend” is not a friend…not at all! What a mean, very jealous, remark to make!! Come on! What a brat! I can think of another “B” word, as well. (sorry) Lol

    I don’t know why people say and do things like this, but I have had this very same experience! I remember, one time, after losing quite a bit of weight and buying an adorable outfit, I met the ‘green-eyed monster’, jealousy, head on! I had gone to lunch with some girlfriends, just knowing they, would be thrilled for me, and not one of them said one word!!! I mean, you can see when a person has dropped twenty five pounds!!! The cute little red dress I was wearing showed every new ‘curve’ (tastefully) and I was sooo proud of myself! One girl even said something ’snotty’ about a necklace I had on…an unusual vintage piece that belonged to my mother.

    I went home, alone, feeling so sad that no one could be gracious enough to congratulate me! I think it was the beginning, for me, to not trust ‘friendship’, again.

    Well, I am too heavy, once again, and have started a new regime to lose weight, get healthier, etc., and truthfully, I don’t expect anyone to notice, comment..none of it. Jealousy is rampant and I know that, now. If some gracious person does notice and says something encouraging, I will realize how special they are and give them a big hug!! They are out there…the sweet/kind ones!! I’ll never give up on that possibility!!

    Thanks for sharing your story and please, please, keep up the good work!!! In fact, become more determined to reach your gorgeous, thinner self, goals…for health and great looks, too!!! Let us know how you are doing! xo’s

  138. You’ve probably got no friends because you just go on and on about how fantastic you are. You sound like a real jerk, I wouldn’t want to hang out with you either!

  139. Speaking of “real jerks”…

  140. Well done, Pet Person:)
    P.S. Charlotte gets jealous of people over e-mail whom she’s never even met! We should do a study of her to further understand this “jealousy” thing ;)

  141. i know i never said anything b4, but i’ll say it now. i believe rocy and petperson began to attack and tell me i’m full of myself and that the way people were treating me was petty.

    yea right. i call it jealously. i had a feeling that saying someone i considered a friend trying to put me down about a burberry headband would invoke people to quickly call me a snob and full of myself…which is why i felt the need to explain that the majority of the people i grew up with were upper middle and up. a headband is a headband… BUT… if it’s from burberry it would certainly have the traditional plaid that all things from burberry have…which is why it was easily recognizable.

    i doubt petperson and rocy even finished reading what i had to say. i don’t know how deaths in my family and cancer scares and surgeries could come off as nonsense. and okay enough reason for people to be out right cruel to me and happy to see my fall.

    what it seems like is a little bit of jealously and riding me off…b/c i basically had a the same things to say as everyone else.

    no petperson did come back and say something about my apt being broken into, but rocy had nothing to say. i don’t think she should have to comment on my post but she was quick to dismiss me foolish…and then after explaining other things to not say anything at all…BUT still be here to comment on everyone else’s post instead of owning up to her being wrong for riding me off.

    i shouldn’t have to explain what house i live or b4 i moved into whatever house…

    bottom line is people were treating me like crap who i thought were my friends and i did NOT deserve it.

  142. i didn’t live in poverty for long, but living in it…not being able to go outside when i pleased (bad neighborhood), not always having food, heat, or cool air (in texas) wasn’t great. my parents worked their butts off as african immigrants in american…and i’ll be damned if i’ll let anyone make me feel bad having.

    and people with this “you need to talk to someone about this” c’mon guys. don’t say it’s because i live in a small texas town. i for the most part grew up outside of houston in a masterplanned community. racism persists everywhere in this country. if you grew up in the suburbs or went to a predominately white school most of the people were prejudice towards blacks including other minorities. it doesn’t matter if you live in liberal califoria or nyc (trust me my dad worked for wall street for sometime), so guys OPEN YOUR EYES.

  143. I am soooooo happy to find all of you. I have been repeatedly hurt by friends, relatives, even my own mum & felt very lonely. For the past two years I had a friend whom I considered ‘The perfect friend’ only to see the pattern happen again after I got my dream job. She was very good to me, she was the one who pushed me to pursue this position ‘university faculty’ when all I saw in myself was a housewife. Her encouragement pulled me out of my midlife crisis & I got the job. The minute I got she turned against me. I didn’t see it at first & kept consulting her on various issues concerning relationships with my coworkers,…etc. I kept giving her the credit for what I reached. I repeatedly thanked her, & told her & everybody we know that she was the reason of my success. I also got her a big gift & still feel she deserves more for seeing something in me & changing my life so much. Despite all that she is constantly against me now that I am successful. Whenever I tell her about something good that happened at work she belittles it & makes fun of me. She stopped calling me. I kept maintaining contact but she would get angry about strange things, things that never angered her before!!! I apologize to her even if it doesn’t make sense & always tell her that our relationship is very valuable to me & that I never ever mean to make her sad. One day when something very good happened to me at work & she was angry with me, I called her & told her how I could not enjoy my success because she was angry & apologized again (although the issue was a joke I made about her cooking, which was perfectly ok before & which also is the kind of remark she gives me & others several times a day without seeing it hurtful at all). Her actions are not making any sense anymore to me. She is 10 years older than me & she has always dreamed of having the same job I got, but her education does not qualify her. She has been causing me a lot of pain lately, but I do not want to leave her because I know she is the reason of my success. What should I do??

  144. Hi Houston,

    I can totally feel what you are going through! Somehow, I think our “friends” can be there for us when we are down, but can’t stand the success stories! It actually hurts them to hear or see us in a situation that they would love to be living.

    Pay attention in your own ‘inner life’ when you see very highly successful people…maybe their homes, relationships, vacations they take, etc. If you feel a “twinge” of jealousy, you will know what your friend is feeling! Since you are close, she hears all of your successes and just can’t take it.

    I have actually played down my life and even mentioned ‘negative’ aspects of it (we all have the negatives!) to keep certain friends ‘friendlier’. I know, very weird!

    I have given up on people who are so jealous that they continue to ‘bring me down’ with snotty comments! Life is too short!

    You could try being real honest with this friend (before giving her some ’space’). When she hurts you, with one of her comments, say something like, “What you said has hurt my feelings…are you angry with me about something” …” You are my friend and I love you, but, sometimes, the way you say things can hurt”…my life isn’t perfect, I want our friendship to be friendly…I want us to be there for one another”…sharing in a kind way”…maybe you don’t realize that you hurt me sometimes, but I needed to tell you”, etc..

    Longtime friends are hard to find, but if someone continues to hurt you, unthinkingly, just cruelly jealous…whatever, it’s time to leave. There are a few nice, thoughtful, people out there, so start up a new friendship…build history together. :)

    Taking constructive suggestions, without being offended, is a good thing in friendship and we must always listen in an open way. Perhaps, there is something we could do differently. I think most of us can ‘feel’ it when jealousy/cruelty is involved.

    Let us know how you are doing!!

  145. Oooops! I meant the above email for Laura!!! :) :) :)

  146. Hey,just wanted to post a comment on this topic. I totally understand what you mean. I can relate to this.I am an attractive woman but hey that is not my fault! Blame my parents! lol
    Although i’m not full of myself and i am a very humble person. I always compliment others and try to make them feel good. I was a poor kid growing up and never had any luxuries! I have never had anything really amazing material wise, never been on holiday abroad, never had a car, Im just a normal and very simple person. I am now married too and have been blessed with my gorgeous husband, who i met in my church. I also feel he is my best friend because i don’t have any friends! On my wedding day NO ONE told me i looked nice or anything positive about the wedding, reception etc!!! Absolutely nothing! I felt so sad inside! I know it might sound self centred but come one it’s your wedding day! You want to be complimented im sure! It just shows that people may be jealous of me because of the things i have witnessed lately such as my wedding. I don’t know what it is. So i know it’s stupid but it’s starting to seem that women may be jealous of me because of my appearance because i don’t really have anything else they could be jealous of . I can sense the way they look at me up and down and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, even at church! i just wanted to be their friend but i find it so hard! Im always nice to everyone and i smile and try to say hi but it’s very hard work!
    I guess I have just learned to accept it!

  147. Hi me :),

    Being beautiful, or even attractive, can bring out the ‘green-eyed monster’, jealousy, big time…especially, if it includes having a great (handsome) guy and other successes! “Friends”, church members, etc. can only handle so much!

    People tend to think somebody who ‘has everything’ going for them just won’t need anything else, like support, friendship, etc. You’ll have to pay close attention to those few who seem to like you for who you are. There are some groups (cliques) who will ignore you because of their jealousy issues. The often band together.

    You can ‘feel’ when people are unfriendly. If you have been kind and friendly, but find you are being rejected, it is very possible that jealousy is the problem. There are times when this isn’t the case, so don’t judge too quickly. People are often shy and appear like snobs, so do give them a chance. don’t jump to conclusions too fast.

    Being attractive, or successful, in life has this odd curse. You’re right, in some ways you just have to live with it. Keep smiling, pretty girl! :)

  148. thank you, petperson :)

  149. Hi me :)

    I totally understand how you feel & it is very frustrating especially with people at church who should be real Christians. Would it make you feel better to tell you that the same happened to me on my wedding day 18 years ago!!! I thought I was the only one!! Later on after 2 kids, & after exercising my heart out and really putting a lot of hard work to keep my prepregnancy figure, not for showing off but only because I believe that as a Christian woman, I owe it to my husband to give him the best wife I could be, hard work paid off & my body became even better than before pregnancy!! Everything looked beautiful on me although I am not particularly pretty or anything. It is all due to hard work & discipline. I know I may sound as if I am obsessed about my figure, but that is not the case at all, I was striving to be perfect & do my best in every area of my life.

    I introduce a new service for poor & handicapped children in my church. I had many helpers, but all of them young people. None of my age shared in it, & they tried to stop it saying that those kids would get the church hall dirty. Although we cleaned it very well after using it & the kids are not that dirty at all!! And above all, when Jesus chose to come to earth, he was among the poor, not the rich,…etc.

    Anyway, it took me many years to understand that church society has the same values as any other society. If you are successful, they hate you for it. If you are successful & modest, they hate you even more.

    To cut a long story short, I got depressed for 4 long years after they succeeded in stopping this service for the poor. I got really depressed & disappointed, that I gained 10 Kgs over those 4 years. I still exercise, but not regularly. I turned into a compulsive shopper, & I now have lots & lots of beautiful clothes none of which look very beautiful on me ’cause of my weight gain. Can you imagine what happened, they are now all my friends (not sincere friends of course), but they are close to me now ’cause I am a failure!!

    The first good thing that happened to me was this marvelous job as a university teacher, which I felt like God personally picking up out of the rut I was in. Only, to find my only friend turning jealous for this one success.

    Anyway, I learned not to pay attention to people at all, only to God. He is my only friend, & my coach. And of course, my lovely husband & wonderful kids who are always supporting me.

    I am now working hard on loosing weight & stopping being a shopping addict. I hope i will succeed in both. I already lost 1kg, but I have 9 to go. Will you pray for me?

  150. hi Laura!!

    Just read your comment. That is horrible. Sometimes when people are jealous they don’t care if things are for a good cause or not. If they hate you, they will hate whatever you do or want to do! But you haven’t got to feel bad because god know what your intentions are in your heart!!! And even if you haven’t suceeded is not your fault because you gave it a shot! So, again god knows the desire of your heart! :)
    I go to church and recently I have been asked to teach a women’s class because the teacher is not going to be there on sunday. I know it sounds sad but i can’t do it, because the women there make me really nervous! (And to make it even worse i suffer from panic attacks and an anxiety disorder) As much as i would love to do it, and to find the confidence to do it, I know they will just be staring at me and looking for faults. And i can’t deal with it especially with my conditions. Sometimes i think i would be better off if i ”let myself go” and become one of them so i could have friends at church and feel more welcomed. But this is not what GOD wants me to do! They have to accept me for who I am! I’m not going to fake who I am just because a bunch of jealous hypocrites. Plus I don’t really think i would want them as my friends after i’ve seen their true colours! I go to church because of God not because of them.
    So laura, keep smiling. think that god loves us for the individuals we are, if we were all the same it would be boring. You will overcome this and make sure you fit into those gorgeous clothes again :D and be happy. And we just have to learn how to ignore hypocrit people and greet them with a smile so they know they’re not affecting you.
    And of course i’ll pray for you! :) Get well soon x

  151. laura and me i will pray for the both you. if you guys live near an airport…try this: go there and just walk around and see how many faces you’ve never seen in your life. idk but it makes me feel better b/c i realize that these people are such a small fraction out of 6 billion people in the world.

    don’t ever change yourself for anyone…you will never win. always do what you like.

    like right now i want to go get a croissant, but everytime i go to this place the people who work there laugh at me behind my back or just watch me from a far pissed off. i know why they’re doing it, it’s b/c their bitter that they’re working there. i’ve seen people who went to the same high school as me, they had to same opportunities as me…it’s not like i’m in the real world yet i’m still in school and studying all through spring break and going to this store for coffee and a snack. and sometimes i just want to say something, but i know i shouldn’t go down to their level.

  152. Hey guys,
    I spoke with my jealous friend and it has just gotten worse. She cried and cried and said yes she was jealous but now that my husband are trying for kids, I know I can’t tell her when I’m pregnant until I have to and what kind of friend is that. I know she won’t be able to handle it and that I will lose her as a friend. I really wish there was something to do but she had to find happiness within herself before she finds it with a man. On a side note, don’t you think that a 30 year old who has never been on a date would look to herself and ask why not just complain that the world sucks and that there are no men out there. She really doesn’t like hanging out at my house when my husband is home, she likes to treat me like a single gal when in fact I am happily married. I feel bad for her so I remain her friend but is that a reason to stay friends with someone?

  153. Hey, Houston,

    At least she cried and admitted her jealousy. Being that honest must have been hard.

    You need to think about what she means to you. Do you have a lot of good times? Think about never seeing her again…would that hurt a lot?

    Friends are hard to find, so don’t give up on her too quickly.

    Perhaps you could prepare her a bit and go easy on her when you have to tell her your good news.

    She just feels sad that she has no one ’special’ in her life. It is really very sad.

    Stay open with her and talk about her jealousy in a kind way. Tell her that you don’t always have a perfect life (nobody does) and that you hope she will be happy for you if you get pregnant.

    It probably hurts her to see you and your husband together. She wants a life more like yours. Some people have poor social skills and don’t meet others too easily.

    If she is thirty and never dated, maybe she needs counseling. Just a thought.

  154. Hi Me :)
    I read your last post & wanted to write to you immediately but have been very busy. I wanted to reach you before Sunday to encourage you to give this class. It’s too late now, but here is what I wanted to tell you:

    If you get the opportunity again to teach something in church, then do it. Do it for yourself. Do it to get the confidence, to practice standing in front of people. You can definitely do it. You yourself said you’d love to do it. Imagine they are not there. Imagine they are different people & say whatever God gives you as a message. You know most of them are hypocrites, so why care about their opinion?!! If God gave you the opportunity, He will give you the words also. Look at them with love & pity them, for indeed they are in a very sad situation, to be exposed to Christ’s enormous love & still be entangled with the petty things of life. It is SAD!! Jealous people are people who aren’t aware of God’s love. If they were aware they’d have been happy with whatever God provides. Never say “No” to an opportunity to try something new again. Just do it as a practice, ’cause you never know what the future brings.

    You know, (just a side note), this service I told you about that I used to do for poor kids & people at my church stopped it. This service was mainly teaching. We were teaching them languages, maths & computer skills. Before that I have never been a teacher!! I had a hard time helping my own kids with their studies & in general I hated teaching & believed I would never make a good teacher. But when I saw the need in those little poor kids, I thought to myself, if no good teachers are willing to help them, then I’ll do it Lord, I’ll do it for you & I will trust that You, yourself will be teaching them through me. You know what happened I discovered I was a teacher by nature & I never knew it!! And even, after the service stopped at church, this amazingly wonderful job I got as a university teacher was like a reward from God. Also it is an access to students who are needy in other areas of life. They are not poor, but many of them are needy emotional ’cause they have never been exposed to the knowledge of God.

    So, dear Me:) go ahead & try new things & don’t worry or put your hopes on their accepting you as you are, ’cause probably they never will. But this is their problem not yours. You (I mean we) have to accept your condition as someone blessed enough to be an object of jealousy by others, & not let this drag you (we) down to be like them, but to keep succeeding & pushing forward in every aspect of life. I want you to read Genesis 49:22-26 about Joseph & may God help us both be like Joseph. Amen

  155. Last year, I reconnected with an old high school buddy after 21 years. She is 40 and I am 41 now but the honeymoon is already over. My life seems to have turned out stable or upper middle class but hers is unstable. She had health problems this year and I reached out and helped her finacially here and there. I only wanted to help make her life easier and not try to be a show off. However, I always feel this sense of tension between us since she always seems so defensive- she always has to prove something, stir up debates, and win. I now just keep quiet about things that I am in disagreement with her about even though it should not be an issue if I have a differing opinion. I have let it roll since it has not been that important to me although her attitude really is. Lastly, she always tells me that I don’t know how good I have it but I finally snapped back and said ” I am well of aware of how I have it because I worked for it”. I am very sensitive and my feelings are kind of hurt. I feel that she might be feeling threatened by my accomplishments even though I am careful not to brag. I listen, support, and encourage her on various things in her life. The conversation is always about her life which did not bother me until these other things popped up. She wants to chit chat everynight in long sessions but I only have time on weekends since I have a family and my work. I mentioned this more than one time but she still calls almost every night and now I screen my calls. I genuinely love her but I am feeling this elephant in the room. I am kind of a complicated person in a somewhat “guarded” kinda way and I am on the shy side. I am not really the confrontational or social butterfly type, but I am sincere. When her and I were teenagers, we were very close all through high school and we had lots of memorable adventures. We were best friends until just after she graduated which was a year after I did. Then, I moved away and she married her high school boyfriend (they are still together). Although we have both changed and grew up, it has been nice having her back in my life but I am hoping these issues will not interfere with our renewed friendship. I wish I was better at stuff like this. I do not want to hurt her, but I am trying to gently add boundries now.

  156. Hi skootermonkey,

    It’s odd that those of us who have “made it”, and landed on our feet, almost have to apologize for our successes! I know I have to ‘back peddle’ all the time!

    I, too, have a couple of ‘old friends’ who are struggling to get by. I have to be very careful not to talk about my life too enthusiastically. It’s a shame because I like to share too and feel proud of my accomplishments. It’s only normal to want to do that! But I keep my mouth shut. :)

    Even many of my family members resent me for ‘what I have’. Some of them have dropped out of my life. I still send them cards, call occasionally, but feel the distance when we talk. We have little in common anymore. That is the biggest problem of all. We live in different ‘worlds’.

    I know we (”haves”) can come across as bragging, as snobs, as not understanding ‘where they are’, etc.. Who would have guessed this separation would have happened?

    Like you, I have worked VERY HARD to get to this place in my life, taken a lot of ‘crapola’ to get to here! Also, like you, I am very sensitive and never walked on anybody to get ahead. I share all I can (financially and otherwise) with those that I care about.

    Honestly, this separation happened before I even knew it was happening! I do remember some of the decisions my friends and relatives were making, along the way, and I felt mistakes were being made. There were times that I made suggestions to them (to choose differently) but they wouldn’t listen. Oh well…

    In your case, I think the “gentle boundaries” that you are setting is a good idea. She does not think very logically if she calls you every night (almost pestering) when you have asked her not to! It sounds like she is ‘pushing’ you a bit…maybe testing your allegiance to her.

    Our wonderful memories, in high school, etc., do linger, but some of our old friends never leave that era, that way of behaving/thinking. It’s hard to move on, come to terms with that loss, but, sometimes, we just have to.

    Good luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on making your life work!!!

  157. Dear Petperson,
    Thank you for responding to me, you made my day. You hit it on the head when you said, “We have little in common anymore. That is the biggest problem of all. We live in different ‘worlds’. Yes, that seems to be sadly true. You also mentioned that some people “never left that era,”….well said. I am sorry that your success was not celebrated, especially with your own family. When your family looks at your success, they see how their own lives do not measure up. Even though this is not at all your fault, they are threatened when they should be feeling extremely proud of you. People will try to pull you down but you do not owe them jack. You deserve to feel good about your achievements.
    Thanks for cheering me up!!

  158. You are so welcome, Skootermonkey!

    This is a great site to vent! :) Your situation just reminded me so much of what I’m going through. There are no easy answers, we just have to evaluate each situation and be as kind as possible when resolving them. :

  159. I’m just wondering if I should be friends with my best friend. Recently she said that I dress old fashioned and that I need to do something about that. Then I said I really like that guy and she said totally go for it, not that I needed her permission. So we were getting on pretty well this guy and me one night we all went out. We were going to stay at my friends at the end of the night in the taxi she said and you can f@# off home so I did. He went inside with her and thats when they both stabbed me in my back. I’m more upset with my friend though because I would not do that to any one I’m friends with. It’s all about her she can’t understand why I’m upset with her! People have said well you should still be friends because girls friends are more important than boyfriends etc. I just look at her and feel pain and anger. In fact its hard to look at her. She also wants me to hang out with her and the guy I don’t think so! Should I get over it or ditch her?

  160. Laura,

    Normally I don’t respond to the postings unless I feel really compelled to do so, and when I saw your posting I really wanted to help you by giving you some sound advice. I realize that people should forgive others for their mistakes and overlook their faults to a point, but I think this “friend’s” behavior towards you is completely unacceptable. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you, and she has obviously learned from you somehow that you will allow her to treat you that way. Life is too short to decide how long you will allow someone to continually mistreat you. The fact that you had to even ask if you should get over it or ditch her says that you need to do some soul searching to figure why you would even want to continue to try to be a friend to someone who is obviously not interested in being a friend to you. I say forgive her, but get on with your life and make new friends with people who wouldn’t dream of treating you that way. Trust me, pray and ask God to help you with your own issues and ask Him for true friends and He will do it.

  161. Laura,

    This is not a friend. Anyone who treats you like that is ‘nasty’. Look for people who are more thoughtful, kind.

    She is out for herself, period.

  162. Same here. I have a relative who, when we were younger, graduated a year or so before me and obviously is only a few years older then me. Well all through our childhood I’ve been voted captin of pretty much every organization her and i have been involved in, and she would always come up second best to me.
    So in order for her to compensate for the fact that she feels her ‘leadership’ qualities have been challenged my be, she would always bring up college, and the fact that she can drive. I guess i understand why she would feel inadequate, but she would always go to extreme levels.

    For example, she would always sit in front of me in this seminar we always went to and hold her purse or new wallet up [in my clear view] so i could ee it, or always say things like been there, done that, when theres barely 2 years between us. We are a tight knit family so theres no avoiding her. Though ive been playing along in this little power struggle game for years, im maturing and not caring. Im 27 and shes 29. I guess some peoople never mature and feel the need to outshine others to get their spotlight. Its honestly sad.

  163. I stumbled across your post on accident and this is what I have to say and this is what the truth is:

    You are not alone in having a good life, good things, and overcoming adversity. I would say every other person you meet, including the people you already know, are in the same “going good boat” that you are. Difference is called humility. Most people who have good fortune don’t talk about it. When other people talk abut their good fortune, it is confusing and seems phony. Mature people usually respond to a bragging person by playing along, but it becomes draining to always feel obligated to play the jealous one. You may not realize it, but subconsciously you may be backing people into a corner where they have to acknowledge your good fortune often. I know this from personal experience. I have been on both sides. I worked very hard to get where I am, but it doesn’t do my fiends any favor to talk about it. The problem with people like us, who had a tough time overcoming hardships, is that we will always see ourselves as what we could have been (crap) and we try to put it out of our minds by constantly looking at our acheivments and leaving everyone else in that crap category.
    Look at it this way:
    What made you want to get a job? What made you want to sing? Get married? What made you want to join the church? Look around you. You have role models everywhere, you aspired to be like them, and you triumphed. Now get off your pedestal and walk on the same even ground as them. You didn’t over come anyone, you are at their level. Chill out, stop overcompensating. Have the capacity to see through others eyes and live in their shoes. Sometime hardship makes us all-knowing, other times it makes us ignorant. I would say your case is the latter.
    You should spend more time asking others about their live’s and their personal story. Maybe you could learn from them.

    Hope things get better, and I’m sure if you take any of my humble advice a very caring group of ladies will enjoy your company, *as you will theirs*.

  164. Audrey & all-
    Maybe I am confused. I posted one or two comments quite awhile ago on this site and I follow this, (but have not comment since) because I struggle with how to handle jealous people- I mean is it “we teach people how to treat us,” or “we don’t control others behavior,” or “we draw people into our lives who are like us,” or “everyone projects,’ or “because we think we’re crap (judgment) we think others are crap (judgment)- WOW-I mean it has to be “my boundaries” or some “part that is mine,” something I need to do differently??- I haven’t seen any ignorant people on this site- confused by abusive jealous people- yes; attempting to figure out how to handle abusive judgmental jealous people- yes; people generally victimized by circumstances and jealousy and trying to overcome- yes; its hard when all you’ve ever dealt with is abuse (crap) to get to a place where you can see it and then receive from “caring people” let alone see caring people and when abuse is the name of the game and jealousy is allowed to fester abuse happens and when you finally “overcome” in whatever way that is for you in whatever category and you begin to see the jealousy and have to make choices about people and their behavior- it is hard- the whole point of this site, if I understand has been to understand and “live in the shoes” of the jealous person- but who can stand against jealousy let alone understand it? WOW- I encourage myself on my “pedestal of accomplishment” that i do not apologize for as I “listen” to all of your stories- venting is what allows all of us to process our stories so that we can “finally” make room for others so that we can give and receive form them and cope with whatever comes our way in terms of people or circumstances- its hard when you’re in a “low” position to always understand how it is for others- but why succumb to the temptation to be jealous? A person’s value is not in their accomplishments and I don’t think I’ve ever heard that on this site- favoritism/discrimination/jealousy/arrogance says more about the person who has that problem and not the “lower” status person and I don’t think anyone here is saying that- the point is I thought that we all understand that we are on level ground (in terms of value) so why the jealousy, destruction, favoritism, discrimination at accomplishment or lower status?- Hmm- I haven’t heard people talk about their accomplishments or suggest that they are discussing their accomplishments with others- when others are too immature to handle your “situation” whatever it is (high or low) they say/do stupid, ignorant, hurtful abusive things or they ignore you- I have finally come to see that jealous people actually hate you (and themselves or not) and since I have no positive influence on people who hate me so that there is no way I can help them with their own self hatred I have to get away. I guess I am confused by your advice Audrey? And I want to thank all of you for being brave enough to share your stories, process and listen to mine- you have reinforced my hunches and as a result I have been able to grow in this area so thank you

  165. Same here, Julie. I certainly have not been the type of person to brag about my accomplishments-just the opposite. In fact, I’ve felt the need to hide good news or accomplishments from some people. I first posted on here quite a while ago, also, right after another hurtful situation with a friend stabbing me in the back, in the front, whatever. What I’ve learned during my time following this thread is that jealous people are a fact of life and lots of people have suffered because of them. Just knowing that lots of people have this problem made me feel better. Knowing it is the jealous persons problem, and not something wrong with me has been a great relief. I encountered a situation yesterday with a new person in my sphere and I realized right away that she is a very competitive person and that it is not my problem. In the past I would have thought “what did I do wrong to attract that.” This time I just thought, “Wow, she’s half my age, rich, talented, beautiful and she’s jealous of me. Cool.”

  166. Julie and Rocy,

    I belong to this ‘ladies forum’ and many of the women have huge problems…cheating husbands, divorce, kids on drugs, weight issues, etc., etc. Occasionally, a woman will join in with descriptions of her great life expressing all the fabulous things she has, etc.
    A woman, just yesterday, described her island lifestyle in an exotic location, all of her family and friends living close by, shopping sprees, the village, ocean and well, it sounded like paradise!!! Lol Even I was even I was feeling jealous!!
    I have a great life and hold back on this forum because I don’t want to ‘rub it in’ how great my life is (although my life is not paradise!). I do think those of us who are more fortunate do have to pay attention to who we are talking to. Those who are less fortunate need our support not our bragging.
    When we have a ‘peer’ who is competitive and openly jealous (we can feel/see this behavior) then, I think we can take the gloves off! Lol Or better yet, walk away from such nonsense and poor behavior!

    We can all feel jealousy because we are human, but those of us who are emotionally intelligent enough, see it for what it is and drop it before it festers! :)

  167. Well, I keep ending up here again and again. Hi everyone!!! :) The latest in my life is that my brother came to visit me - I live across the city in a big metropolis - and when he went home he told a bunch of my relatives that I was over the top and that I brag about myself and that he “had to put (Mattie) in her place.” (He had gotten on my case, claiming I hog the conversation.) Wow. Same vicious cycle. First off, I hardly talked about myself at all and purposely did not share recent good news (an academic award) and just basically spent the entire visit being so self-deprecating that it made me sick!! I felt weird if I even said, “This place does a great (name of dish)” My bro would look at me like, “who the hell are you and what do you know?” (The back story is that my brother never went to college and has not traveled, so I very rarely speak of my studies, my job, my experiences. I have to keep conversation limited to our mom or my bro’s life - or the conversation gets changed in short order. My family has always been down on me and anyone else who gets an education for being “high-faluting.” You get the picture.) When I heard the news I was immediately filled with a horrible shame - like maybe I really am a braggardly, egotistic terrible person who is full of herself. Honestly, I just can’t imagine. I spent the whole trip just being in fear of bringing any attention to myself because I knew how it would turn out.

    So here I am, back to the same conclusion. As I read some of the recent posts, I don’t think that we behave in a way that makes people jealous - because not everyone is a jealous person. I think that some of us probably attract those kinds of people again and again - because of whatever demons we need to work out. As I’ve pointed out here before - for me, it is a way of sabotaging myself and keeping myself small. (I got totally nauseated when I learned about the academic honor - I had a primal reaction of fear - of being mocked and criticized, etc. I know it’s irrational, but that is how my mind reacts - my family can be very cruel at times and as hard as I’ve worked there are still moments when I feel deep shame for doing something well - or for standing out.)

    I don’t think that getting rid of these people is necessarily the only way to break the cycle. I think that at least in my case, learning to withstand the fear/rejection/cruelty is the key.

  168. Oops - that’s “I live across the country in a big metropolis” _I wish we could edit this stuff!

  169. Editing would be great since mistakes do happen! :)

    If you figure out how to “withstand the fear/rejection/cruelty” of jealous friends and family, please post your solution! Personally, I don’t think we ever get over the ’sting’ it all.

  170. Sorry Mattie, Thats frustrating. Since it is family, I know that it makes it more difficult. I agree that we do attract these people for some reason. My experience has been that some people like your qualities so much, they are attracted to you, they feel deep shame, then they are destructive and try to tear you and themselves down. Same thing keeps happening to me over and over. I just want to meet guy friends my age that dont act like twelve year olds.

    This dynamic could be happening as well- All people like to be respected, its human nature and we feel isolated if we feel disrespected. These people will give or feel some admiration for you, then take it away for no reason, leaving you feeling confused, slighted, shamed, and isolated. Naturally, you might try to overcompensate because you might think that it was something that you did, so you might try a little harder. At this point, they have found some insecurity and weakness to go off of and they are quick to exploit it and accuse you of “bragging” or whatever. Over time, its easy to get into the habit of trying to overcompensate and this kind of dynamic continues again with another person because the last situation has hurt you and caused you pain.

    We live in a culture where we build up “narcissists” with tons of admiration and then tear them down and shame them (ex. Britney Spears). People use shame to hurt and control people. Its a sick situation, but a lot of people are not comfortable with other people getting ahead and living a real life. Little do they know that there is plenty of resources and abundance and respect and admiration in the world. You just have to “not take the bait” the next time someone comes along and gives you the signals that they are able to engage in a mutually respectful relationship. Choose your friends and set up good boundaries or this stuff will eat at you from the inside out. People are generally intelligent and they will find clever ways to shame you.

    I have experienced a lot of this kind of thing myself my entire life. Growing up as a teenager, boys were mean to me because I was good looking and girls liked me. I tried really hard to earn their respect, but not really having any strong male influences in my life to begin with, I just didnt know how to handle it. I became very depressed and spent many years dealing with this same thing and the depression. My self worth plummeted and continually felt isolated and cut off, my social skills, which werent very good from the start, never really blossomed and my depression became worse. I just kept studying and doing well in school and that kept my mind occupied, but I just had this big hole in my life. Its felt like people have always tried to make my life hard for no reason and Im just starting to realize what has been happening now. Im currently taking steps to get out of this and Im starting see improvements in my life and outlook. I just ended a friendship with one of these guys because he was like this, and I will be myself before I keep feeding this sick pattern with this kind of person. There are a lot of healthy people that are willing to have mutual respect with us. Its especially challenging to come from an unhealthy background or family though. These patterns are deep.

  171. Thanks Josh and Petperson - I appreciate your feedback!

    Josh, I think you hit the nail on the head with regard to people spotting my weakness. I’ve been told by more than one good friend that I am often too forgiving and that I need to stand up for myself. I tend to meekly (in my personal life) or stoically (in my professional life) back away when I am targeted. My family is close enough see the meek side and they bully. In my professional life, people tend to react in a passive-aggressive manner. I think the icy-ness just angers people more (it’s my own passive-aggressive move.) Either way, the unconscious - recently conscious - fear of backlash has made it harder and harder for me to enjoy my accomplishments and the current result is a very deep burnout (all work and no joy.)

    I also liked what you said about being yourself before “feeding the sick pattern.” It’s funny how sometimes, we have to learn to be ourselves - that is, to develop new ways of being that allow our authentic self out. I’ve noticed this sick, nauseated feeling when I encounter one of these envy-monsters and I am guessing that my “true” self is finding it harder to stomach the junk. (Interesting that you also mention being “eaten from the inside out!” “Fed up” is how I’ve been describing it in my journals - all of these eating metaphors!! )

    I am sorry that your teen years were bad. I think those years are terrible for a lot of us - teens probably just have fewer controls - and are only expressing what adults submerge. Good for you for ejecting that so-called friend out of your life!

    So, tonight as I write, I am thinking that perhaps it’s just a matter of finding a new set of tools. (When I had to learn how to say “no,” and stop being a people-pleaser, it seemed impossible at first - but then I forced myself to do it, armed myself with a few phrases for the surprise-situations, and presto!) So, maybe there is hope!! I will certainly post if I get any zinger ideas, Petperson!

    In the meantime, thanks again, everyone!!!

  172. ps. to Josh - On your remarks regarding the societal phenomenon of building up/tearing down, you have to check out South Park’s episode “Britney’s New Look” !

  173. Just want to add one more ‘little bit’ to this conversation. :)

    In this very interesting, often tumultuous, life we are living there are people who are RELATERS in relationship, often female, and those who are mostly TASK ORIENTED (get the job done), mostly male.

    Those of us who are relaters look for sincere connection with people, emotional, psychological, intuitive, ‘on the same page’ vibrations! Task oriented people look at the project/job in front of them, they are ‘nuts and bolts people’ and are totally clueless as to why they need to,say…smile, or make eye contact or even respond. They don’t give the impression that they ‘care’ about you or your life…what’s bothering you, etc.! They do care (in their own way) and show it by the work they do for you. They show their ‘love’ through tasks…how odd is that?!! The typical scenarios is the father who works himself to death to provide for his family, but dies without ever saying “I love you”.

    So, in this mix of weirdness we try to get along…make sense of it all!! What a ‘joke’ the ‘gods’ have played on us!!! :)

  174. I am really glad you could share this experience as I cried my eyes out all day over a jealous friend who I finally told “that’s enough” and I had many years of jealous comments often shrouded with “I’m only joking”. In the end it was actions of my friend not the comments that told me the hurtful truth that she was jealous and didn’t value my friendship. It came to the crunch point when I realised I didn’t want to share the news I was pregnant because she would probably be jealous of that too.
    What a hard painful lesson to learn in life and wow, you have solicited many great responses from those who have learnt to deal with such jealous “friends”

  175. So sorry, True,

    Our friends are often not our friends and it hurts.

    “This too shall pass” is one of my favorite sayings. Time and a new baby will distract you from this pain…eventually, you will meet someone (a friend) who is sincere and caring. You know what to look for now.

    Perhaps you could join a ‘new mother’s group’. You would find lots to talk about, compare notes, etc. Meetup.com has many great groups…check it out.

    Good luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby! Hugs!

  176. I told my church house group how I met my fiancé and they through jealousy had me kicked out of it a few days later, no happiness , no congrats, just revenge, so much for church and love and friends, they was angry not happy for me. I am quite gutted and horrified.
    I am just horrified, I am a very good person. No Let’s Celebrate, nothing. Just Hate

  177. Wow Elaine- I’m sorry for that- sometimes you just have to wonder what is going on? Sometimes all you can do is pray for your enemies. Well this church going Christian says CONGRATS!!

  178. Thanks so much everyone,

    I had a very bad day today because of a self-centered “frenemy” who, after I had just recently done her a huge favor, coldly and nastily refused to do a tiny favor for me.

    It was the way in which she turned me down - in this irritable, sour, entitled way.

    I mentioned what had happened to another person who also knows her. This person is arguably my closest “friend” where I live - and whose cat I had just very lovingly taken care of while she was overseas with a sick family member.

    She just listened to me and said this half word/half sound that is sort of like. “Hmmm” but more like Huhm. And “wow.” Then “Huhm” again. I wish I had audio here because it’s actually more “Huh” the way it sounds but not “Huh” like a question but a statement. This very non-committal response that makes you feel worse than no response at all. It’s like the sound you make when you are letting the other person know you’re not on their side.

    I am so frequently disappointed by friends who I think are jealous and cold and will do anything rather than just show some loyalty and warmth to me.

    I just feel so sad tonight - and I’m not a kid. I love having friends and having fun and it seems so impossible. People -esp. women friends - can be so bitchy. It seems impossible for me to inspire loyalty in them.

    I feel like writing this friend off. I’ve known her for 5 years and often feel upset by her. She can be nice, that’s the thing, and can be supportive. As long as she feels like it.

    Anyway I’m rambling but I was upset all day. I have the jealous bully sister from hell and it was helpful to read some of these posts from people who have had similar patterns. People think I’m tough yet I have a passive side that tolerates these bullies the way I tolerated my sister.

    Thanks for listening.

    Bronwyn

  179. Hi Bronwyn,

    I’m sorry about your bad day. :( Friends certainly can seem to be fickle, no doubt.They hurt us and I don’t think it is always on purpose, just thoughtless and often very low emotional intelligence.

    I do feel that giving lots of space is better than cutting the friendship completely off. Be politely busy, at times, and give them time to reflect and miss you!

    It is hard to find friends, especially as we grow older. I have been somewhat sorry that I have let some friends go. I feel like I could have allowed space and still enjoyed their company, (every-now-and-then), but I chose to sever all ties.I was younger and made some pretty rash decisions.

    Well, come back here and vent! We have all had similar experiences and understand what you are going through. Big hug!

  180. I have also hade my share of disappointing friends

  181. I have also had my share of disappointing friends. There is one friend specifically that has been in my life for over 20 years and has not been very supportive over the years. I lost my job last year and have had difficutly find a good job. I told my friend that I decided to make a career change and go back to school. Instead of saying something positive she remarked that I would not suceed in the field that I was pursuing. It was as if she wanted me to fail.

    I knew my friend was jealous when I met my future husband on the Internet. She told me that it would never work that I was not good enough for him. One year later we were engaged and married within 8 months. When I showed her my engagement ring I could see how jealous she was. My husband and I built a beautiful new house on a nice piece of property in a really desirable town. She said that I shouldn’t spend any more money on the house that the neighborhood was old and began saying other negative things about my house. Every time I talk about the wonderful things in my life she would cut me off and start talking about her own life. It is obvious that she does not want to hear anything positive about my life. When I’m upset of something she seems happy and will make sure she lets me know how perfect her own life is when I know that it is not true.

    Some of my other friends see her jealous side and comment that she is very competitive and also immature. She always has to be ‘one up” not matter what it is (the house, job, relationship, etc).. She is extremely critical and judgemental of me and I can never do anything right in her eyes.

    Her negative attitude toward me is emotionally draining. I want a friend that I can talk to and lean on for support. She comes across superior but I believe she is actually insecure about herself. I want so badly to tell her how I feel before it gets out of control. What should I do?

  182. hi elaine.

    i think the most effective thing you can do is write her a letter. try to only put 10% of your emotions into it. just be objective in stating all the things you observe her doing. it will scare her b/c she won’t be able to immediatly cut you down or get you to keep your mouth shut when the truth is coming right at her and your not there in face trying articulate everything in the quickest most effective fashion.

    if she goes to any of your mutual friends telling them about this letter i doubt she will be able to get anything out of them (support) since they are already aware of her behavior. either she will distance her for sometime or she will immediatly try to make things right and will walk on egg shells when it comes to things she says to you.

  183. ****you’re not there…***

  184. Hi there, yes Im the same as you,and it does get me down. ever since i whanted to do well eg go to collage, get my own place and get a car. have had friend be really jealouce of me. they have told me there jealouce of me and that they hate me. this happends every where i go. all this jealoucie made me deprest, and will i find friend that like me for me. I think thats the answer, you need friend that like you for you, that respect you, and the fact you have done really well. more than likely the friends that like you, will have the same lifestyle as you. just keep being possitive and go out and meet peolple. you will meet people that are not jelouce o you. but always remember to be yourself and dont let what happend to you in past relationships bother you, and dont bring them into new ones. follow your heart

  185. I feel the same way… I try to reach perfection by portraying Jesus, to love and care for others deeply, and be selfless. I set this standard to myself because it pleases Him, and I don’t intend to please myself or others around me…And because of this oftentimes people see this as my own weakness and sadly, they get jealous or take advantage of me. I feel so lonely and I know it’s not fair. But I realized that it is a matter of choice. We choose to be this way, because we set high standards to ourselves all for the Glory of God. We are not from this world…. Believe me, you are not alone my friend. Let us continue to be happy and grateful for all the gifts bestowed upon us. We are beautiful, intelligent, and very down to earth. We are extra sensitive to the needs of others. Simply because we are good natured people. Ironically, we only have few friends that we can count on, or maybe zero. Atleast we have our husband as bestfriends, because they are our “soulmates”. So no matter what happens, let us continue to be kind and loving and stay at peace with ourselves, and the universe will take good care of us. I believe in good karma. Cheers!.

    Rhea

  186. I know exactly how you feel. I’m in high school though. My one amazing friend was always there for me and then lately she just kind of gave up. I cant even talk to her about any positive thing in my life without her telling me she is jealous or that she hates me or hates herself. She will then go on about how horrible her life is in comparison, and how she hates it. But we can talk about my problems forever, as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with something good.

    The worst thing is she has had such great things happen to her! She is so much better at everything and people generally like her better. It makes me so angry, but I have no idea what to do anymore!

  187. I can’t live a full life, in a respirated coma, smh!!!..Although, love is said to be unconditonal - - - - HATE is not to be tolerated by NO means..There are extremely real issues going on outside our homes/apts and if you can’t have a “friend” who’s absolutely loving then that’s an enemy of the state of one’s well being as to War is to the Earth..Destroying a beautiful creation…
    I just want to say, if your burdened by someone else’s low self-esteem and have been trying to encourage them for many of years, for me, over 14years - yet, they always revert back to the negative. No, matter how much of a friend you are (just like a drug addict) they have to want to get help. There’s only so much you can do/help for a friend until you begin to lose focus and yourself in the process. Playing your hard earned achievements down, not being able to share the bad with the good, joy/pain, it’s a balance. There true purpose for being/having a friend to begin with. IF, you’re giving more than receiving, then you are in fact a muse/used for the sole purpose to build the selfish leeches “drug” habit and that is, to suck your soul/spirit/body/mind dry for them to smile, wow! The devil is a liar. I’ve helped and have my own life/self to work on, so how can, I, HELP, YOU?!! I’m still God’s child learning, but you are stunting my/our growth. It’s not anyone’s fault friend/family/stranger for THEIR insecurities (it belongs to the person). DON’T allow anyone to abuse/misuse/molest your being (forgiveness is a must, but your not a doormat). YOur health/body/inner force is all you have….Save URself from pain/agony/dishonor and the disease that eats away at your flesh called cancer OR you’ll be terminally/externally/internally ill. Pettiness deserves no attention nor entertainment. What do YOU want from ME that YOU don’t even give/look/feel for URSELF — it’s sad to be alone but being unhappy is crippling..The best thing you can do is pray for one’s healing..ONLY the MOST HIGH heals all deep past flesh to bone wounds..PEace, love & happiness is what WE need. Learn, Inspire, Teach, Plant,Grow and Breathe!!! After all that’s the way was/is meant to be..(I feel everyone’s confusion, but it’s not UR delusion/illusion)..

    Take care & be blessed

  188. hey friends :)
    i have also a same kind of problems. well i have moved to another country and it’s been almost 5 years. i have learned the language and go to school. And i’m always active in school works even i wasn’t born in this country but learnd fast language…. yeah everyone in my class are good friends..But one girl of my class often gets jealous of me…i don’t know why she treats me so rudly sometimes….like when i get good marks in exams then she says like ‘OH yeah! because you are such a talent girl’ and rolls her eyes and…i mean not only on tht way at watever..like my dressup,my pictures…and or watever i say…she teases meh!! ….everyone says that i am very goodlooking girl and a talent girl…..and she says that i do copy form others…like others style or others dressup and stuffs….but i hate it! i copy some goodthings from others..i try to learn some goodthings from others…but she always have a negative thinking for me? :S……. i hate when my friends gets mad at me or i hate to see them unhappy! ……..anyway i wanna make her smile and wanna make her understand that i am her good friend…and wanna ask her ….what’s wrong with meh? why she hates meh? what can i do ????????…….plz help meh…how can i be her good friend)))????

  189. Hi,

    I read your post and some of the comments. I too, stuggle with some of this type of stuff. I dont know how to handle it, but I do my best.

    I was friends with a girl for 7 years. We became best friends for a while, we both are competitve horse back riders and moved to the same barn. Things got a little too intense. She was constantly blowing up my email or phone with accomplishments of her riding. All which I was proud about, but it got to be too much. It got to the point where she was publicly displaying on my facebook her accomplishments and then posting things like “what are you doing with your life now?”….like we dont talk everyday. She even got to the point of posting on her profile how her friend was jealous of her (meaning me). It was just riduclous. I finally called her and ask her if anything was wrong and that if it was something I said I apoligized. She never called me back. Thing have been weird ever since.

    I once questioned her…a honest question about her job title. She took it the wrong way and this is what started it all. I honestly just was curious, but I understand that maybe it could be interpreted the wrong way.

    We still see eachother a lot, she moved to the barn I moved to (I moved to get away from her and preserve what was left of the friendship before it got ugly). Its gotten worse, she seems to almost “steal” my friends. A group of people I was once friends with no longer really talks to me since she started hanging out with them. I dont know what to do. If anyong has any ideas that would be great. Typically, I just smile and try to be nice. I compliment her when I can, but she still finds someway to laugh at me or rub it in how she went to a party with what used to be my friends.

    Any advice, please. Wonder if I should leave my barn.

  190. Jean…

    it sounds like you’re being single white female’d/ this girl might be a sociopath.

    call a few of your friends and plan something in advance. not all of them just some of them so you can spend time with them with out making it obvious that you didn’t want her to be there. if, while you are all spending time together, they bring up that she said a or b about you and it’s not true…don’t get mad just politely and calmly say no and say something positive about her or just finish that topic off with something positive. not so much in a way like you’re trying to uplift yourself, just make it appear that you didn’t realize that there was any sort of conflict with regards to that girl (even though she’s bringing drama to your life).

    she may also be a narcissist who’s trying to devalue what you do, because she see you as competition and has to be where you are to compete with you and come out the victor and have your friends like her more than you so that in her head she can feel that she’s better than you.

  191. Hi everyone, great thread, very interesting and relevant topic I find, which I came acrosse given I have the same dilemna, which I have being trying to figure out, even though I rationally know what’s going on, emotionally, it’s not so easy to really accept, one of those things you wish was different. And I really have asked myself all the questions I could think of, down to, am I narcissistic, condenscending, arrogant, harsh, inconsiderate? you name it…. but although I won’t say I don’t make any mistakes or am never blind to others sensitivities or insecurities, I know for a fact that I truly feel affection for those I call my friends and want to see them do well, NOT BADLY!!!! But what it comes down to is this I believe, and many of you have touched it, you seem to be quite a bunch of smart, sensitive and well spoken people…

    People, in general, are like bags full ‘o crap!!! loll…sorry if I sound harsh, but it’s true!!!! all the neuroses, the pain and suffering from their pasts, their blindness towards themselves, their ignorance and their unconscious unadmitted or admitted shame about their short comings…and they tend to try and compensate unconsciously or not, through a million pretenses, or by pointing fingers at others peoples faults, be true or fabricated…

    When someone they consider “at their level”, their social status… seems happier then them, more successful then them, it feels to them like a poke in the bag o’ crap, and makes them smell it, feel it, become aware of their feelings of unfulfillement, which leads them to try to compensate again by feelings of resentment or twisted fault finding such as blatant projection “oh she/he is so full of it, how arrogant, how pretentious, trying to show off and pretend how happy/successful/fulfilled, he/she is” , it’s actually ironic, hilarious and very childish when you really see it for what it is.

    And one last thing I want to say is this… these people are in the dumps and in a rut and in the dark and in the grip of SELF-PITY(the underlying and hidden root of it all), psychologically and emotionally speaking and are in a position of weakness and I believe , it is up to us who are more aware of our own personal crap, to the point of taking responsability for ourselves and thus finding true hapiness in our lives to find the strength to forgive and consider the bleek/obscure/paralysing situation these people are in, and although we cannot take responsibility for their own lives, we should at least, not resent them for it and try to help them shed light and acquire some true hapiness in their lives at a rate they can digest, but we should not let their smallness/pettiness hold us back from living out our own joy and affection, although we can be careful not to flaunt it too much if we see it makes them suffer. Because you see, one of the most misunderstood things in this day and age is this:

    YOU EVOLVE BY BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES AND WEAK LINKS, AND THIS IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT AND UNENJOYABLE AT FIRST, FOR ANYONE, ADMITTING ONES OWN FAULTS IS A BITCH! PEOPLE NOWADAYS ARE INTO PLEASURE AN ENTERTAINEMENT AND SHORT TERM GRATIFICATION AND TRY TO PHASE OUT ANYTHING UNPLEASANT FROM THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING TRUE SELF AWARENESS, BUT AS THE SAYING GOES:

    “PUT YOUR **** ON THE TABLE, THAT WAY YOU WILL STOP WALKING IN IT”

    Hope this helps, it is a true real phenomenon, you all aren’t imagining it!!!!

    Have a great day everyone, a great week, a great life!!!

    with affection.

    S.E.O.D.

  192. Hi SEOD,

    I read your post with interest. You make many good points! :)

    It looks like there are many of us in the ’same boat’. I guess we have to ‘deal’, but it is hard to realize, emotionally, that jealousy is rampant.

    Your ‘no-nonsense’ approach, but with a kind heart, is a fine way to approach this jealous friend thing!

    I wish you the best and thanks for all you expressed, very interesting!

  193. Wow - I love that expression: “Put your sh*t on the table, that way you will stop walking in it…” And I heartily agree with many of your points. Thanks for your great post, S.E.O.D. !!

  194. Well I dont have to say anything…you ladies have said it all..and we go around thinking we are unique! lol. Do I walk around and tell these women lies?? or not talk? If someone asks..anybody ever been to Europe? I say yes…then they ask where…so I tell the truth. at first they say great…but tell them more than one city..and forget it. The faces fall. I saw one girl roll her eyes. FU honey..yes I did spend 18 days in Rome..Yes I did sail to Venice..yes I do own my own sailboat yes I did graduate at the top of my class…yes i did quit smoking..yes I did..yes I did…yes I did and you didnt. Well its not my fault you didn not but its my hard WORK that I did. Let me tell you what else I did. When you told me you went on a trip I cheered your every related moment. I looked at every photo you took. I noted all the new outfits you wore…and the weather! how pretty your hair looked ..how refreshed the vacation made you look..and asked multiple times if you had a good time. FU! Yes I am married almost 50 years and you have been divorced twice. FU! I am done with your jealousy. Stop cutting your hair like a man’s, put on makeup even if you are just going to the store and stop wearing shirts with food stains on the front! and try BEING a friend instead of being JEALOUS of one!

  195. Matte… LOVED it

    : )

  196. Hi Mattie,

    Your post came across loud and clear! Lol This is a great place to vent about our jealous friends! ;)

    Even though my ‘friends/family’ ask about my successes, I only tell them part of whatever is happening and always add a….but this is the sad part so that they can ‘hook’ on to that…they always do. :( It’s interesting. Like, “we had a wonderful trip, but had a flat tire!” Lol
    I never go into many details about my relationship, with my husband…how great it is, etc. The jealousy just washes over them and don’t really want to hurt anyone, so I always tame down my enthusiasm!
    I think the big shame is that I cannot share my life with so many people. I want to shout from the rooftops about my great life and can’t. Too much jealousy out there! Oh well….
    Like many of you, I am so attentive when they are sharing their successes, happy times, etc., but I can’t help but think…why can’t you do this for me??
    I went out with a gal friend, yesterday, and every time I would say ANYTHING, she would charge in with her own ’stuff’ around anything I said! (example We just got a new kitten and she is so adorable…she charges in..”Oh, my grand daughter has the most adorable kitten, her name is cookie…they take her everywhere they go…blah, blah, blah! Did she asked me what kind of kitten I got, what is her name, when did you get her? Oh no…it’s all about her!! And this is with anything/everything I bring up!

    I have to allow weeks to pass before I can put myself into this greedy scenario, again…makes me sick as I type this. I’ve walked away from other, similar ‘friends’, in the past. There are a lot of women and men too, who cannot, will not listen. Sharing is not part of their thinking or in their hearts. Ugh. I understand why some people become ‘loners’!

    Well, if you, or anybody else out there, wants to share happy or sad times, trips, relationship, promotions, children pets, etc. do it here! :)

  197. Hi - I just wanted to send shout outs to all of you who commented on my posts and say THANKS - you made my day! Thank you so much for the support and your insights. And to the other posters - great posts! One day, I want to read this entire thread from beginning to end. We are all amazing. :)

  198. Wow, what a great site this is. So many of you are so wise and have great things to say. I feel so bad for some of you who have gone through horrific things at the hands of so-called friends. I, too, have a story, but some of the stories here make seem minor. It’s obvious that jealousy is not just for junior high, it goes on through college and waaay past college.

    It makes me wonder why as a society we encourage young people to get educations, get good jobs, get success, marry well, look their best, use cosmetics, buy nice clothes, eat healthy, exercise, read all the ladies magazines with tips in them, watch tv shows about health and beauty, etc., when if we DO succeed in all that — we’ll be jealousy targets! I do think we should all be our best and NOT be fakily self-depricating to earn “friends,” but success DOES come at a cost: the loss of so-called “friends.” No real loss, however.

    Jealousy started with The Fall, when Cain killed Abel. It will continue until the end of civilization as we now know it. Jealousy believes that if someone else HAS something that it automatically SUBTRACTS from what we have, as if there are limited resources. Jealousy ignores the truth of the fact that we can ALL have and ALL be our best and it won’t take anything away from anyone. IOW, jealousy is based on a lie. As many of you have experienced, only the truth makes one free, and many of you have been freed from the notion that some of your friends were actually your friends. So, although you may be lonely, it sure beats the alternative!

    I noticed that a lot of you consider your husbands to be your best friends and are not too concerned that you have cut ties with various frenemies — I think God INTENDED for husbands and wifes to be best friends. I’m not sure WHY tv shows seem to imply that having women friends is so important, you can see the implication in almost all television directed at women. But the reality is that MOST women are insecure and jealous of anyone they consider prettier than them. And most women who are insecure band together as a group of “friends” in order to trash those they are jealous of to make themselves feel better. Ever wonder why the extremely attractive women are loners? Even if they are nice and TRY to be self-depricating and fit in with groups of women, they get pushed out by the evil, jealous bunch. In today’s busy world, particularly married women with children only need one or two good friends — there’s not time for much more anyway — and they should always be willing to cut them loose if they learn they are jealous women and go without women friends for a time, until they find secure ones.

    Why are we surprised to learn that not only “friends” but family members such as moms, sisters, cousins and aunts are capable of being jealous too? After all, they are just typical women too. Granted, it shouldn’t be that way!

    We are obviously living in the Last Days (check local headlines and the news any hour…), and the Bible was clear that in the Last Days according to 2 Timothy 3:1-5: “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men [AND WOMEN] shall be lovers of their ownselves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers [PARTICUILARLY IF YOU’RE PRETTIER THAN THEM OR HAVE EVEN A SMIDGEN OF SELF-CONFIDENCE], incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good [AND/OR ATTRACTIVE], traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof.”

    I think from hearing your stories of woe it’s clear many of us have been victims of the negativity growing in our world in these Last Days, in the form of jealous “friends.” I say, it’s much better to have no friends for a time, then frenemies.

  199. Great post Mustang Sally!
    Everything you said is true.

    I work with women mostly. I don’t like to work with 100% females because of jealousy. I prefer working with men or a mix both in age and race.

    I am the oldest woman there and everyone else is under 30. At first they were nice with me but once they found out how old I was they weren’t so nice anymore.which was interesting why age was so important to them. I find it to be ridiculous however I look younger than all of them, most of the time I’m mistaken for mid twenties bit I’m actually 40.
    They’ve also formed clicks reminiscent of high school. And I unfortunately had gone to an all-girls which scarred me to some extent. Or just made me cautious making friendships with women and all the more wiser. I do have women friend bur I’m highly selective. Women who are not cliquish, down to earth and they’ve been through stuff so there’s understanding and empathy.
    The ladies at my job have none of those qualities. They’re competitive and gossipers. Added to all this I have a masters and I’m a single mom. I don’t if other women are jealous of how I do it. I also do much more. Other work/personal, business etc.
    I’m hoping to find other work where I’m not faced with this crowd. I am somewhat solo or loner. I’m independent. I’m an adventurer love meeting new people who will add to my life not take. And I don’t discriminate on age either. I don’t think having just women friends is good. The more they heat about your successes and what you have the more their jealousy wants to tear it down. And I frankly just don’t have the time or energy for people like that!

  200. Hi Wonder Woman,

    Working with all women is ‘the pits’! That green eyed monster is rampant in these situations! Plus, having a a cliquish bunch is a double whammy!

    It does sound like you have a lot on the ball and will have no problem finding another position. I hope your new position is with mostly men! They are much easier to work with, at least that has been my experience.

    Good luck to you!!

  201. Dear Wonder Woman:

    Thanks for commenting on my post.

    I wonder if the cooling off you experienced once the other women at work learned your age had to do with the fact that you look much younger, perhaps they are jealous that when they reach your age they already know they won’t look as good, and perhaps they are spooked by the way they under-estimated you when they thought you were younger. IOW, now that they realize you are 40, they realize you must be “hip to their tricks” AND you look to be in your mid-20’s to boot, so you will always be able to infiltrate various groups and learn their dynamics before they realize how wise to their evil tricks you must be!

    Another factor on the job these days is the recession and companies are looking for ways to cut costs and/or staff, and often they make use of the chicken pecking that goes on to do their dirty work FOR them (because they are gutless and soul-less jerks). Some gossipy and clique-y women at work are attuned to this game of management and purposefully seek to learn of management’s like or dislike for various staff in order to pile on or gang up on (it’s called MOBBING) the ones management has lost favor for in order to bolster their OWN “standing” at work. These evil and sickly-savvy gossipy and clique-y women don’t care at all as to WHY managment may no longer favor a certain staffer (perhaps her 401k is about to become 100% vested, perhaps she is reaching a chronological age that may give her an open door to allege age discrimination should it occur, and perhaps they have already made an actionable blunder toward her and are looking to blame/discredit the victim and cut her loose to cut their potential losses, or perhaps the targeted staffer simply earns a good salary and in this recession management would like to switch out that person for a cheaper one).

    These sickly-savvy women also don’t realize that after they have successfully become the tool of soul-less management, THEIR position will be on the chopping block someday in the future…but management is “smart” enough to put enough time between one event and the other so they don’t look connected. The “loyalty” they demonstrated to management will be repaid with betrayal down the road and later they may realize they were just being used by managment to do management’s dirty work. So management sometimes uses the high schoolish gossip/clique chicken pecking phenomenon to achieve their own evil, unfair and (if deteted and documented, actionable) goals.

    I’ve heard that on farms, the NEW chicken is always pecked by the other chickens (sometimes pecked to death). In offices, it may be the new chicken, the smart chicken, the confident chicken and/or the cute chicken (God HELP you if you are all 4). IOW, these office peckers are no better than yardbirds, and actually they are worse b/c they should have a conscience, being humans.

    The fact that you are comfortable and confident enough in yourself to be a loner if need be probably also makes the yardbirds jealous. They simply cannot wrap their brain around the fact that a woman at work doesn’t NEED the group (which THEY evidently cannot LIVE without). They probably also find it “annoying” that you are mature enough not to discriminate on age or sex and are comfortable befriending anyone in any category (as long as they are genuine) and don’t need to put people in a box, be in a clique, gossip, or tear others down to lift yourself up. This is so FOREIGN to them, but hopefully they would aspire to being that mature by the time THEY are 40, and if not, then when do they EXPECT they wold reach maturity - ever?

  202. I understand all these all too well!! I have been let down so much by the ones I was always there to help the most!! I became so disheartened by this and then one day…and I really feel God must have put this in my heart because it was not something that came from me…but this thought I feel was put in my head and it was..
    ” that I needed to continue to treat people the way I would like to be treated, how I think God would want me to treat others because I would be accountable to God one day for my actions and everyone else would be accountable theirs”. Now this didn’t mean that I was supposed to continue to be their doormat. I have been very open about my feelings when I have not been treated right. One supposed friend would go off on me without me even expecting it & scream at me. I forgave her numerous times, but after a while…enough is enough! I am sorry if someone is bi-polar, it still does not give you the right to be verbally abusive to me. I had rather have no friends than to have friends such as that. I found my brother murdered over 9 yrs ago & it has been such an emotional struggle for me!! I don’[t need anything else to bring me down!! I had rather have no friends than to have these toxic friends!! I have learned to enjoy my company & I can keep myself entertained!! Just glad I have the love of my husband & family! Good luck to you all! I can relate & understand all too well. I am very upfront…some people like it & some don’t but I had rather be like that than a backstabber. My granddaughters had sibling jealousy & I told them it is very important to be happy for each other when good things happen. Jealousy is a very bad character trait. None of us are perfect but I had rather someone be upfront with me if they have a problem with something I do…it doesnt mean you have to attack someone, but be honest & hopefully we can work on our own faults. I was told once that I always think I am right..most of us probably do : ) I would never say anything I didn’t think was true or right to begin with. Hugs, love & peace to all of you!!!
    http://www.realage.com/soothe-stress/mind-and-mood/depression-symptoms-signs?src=global_footer

  203. Hi,

    Thanks for all your responses.
    I wanted to add another dynamic to my work situation is that it’s a school that I work at. So even more cliquish as in teacher cliques. I know that it’s time for me to move on whether I stay in education or not I don’t know.
    However one interesting thing is all of the women are fb friends. They all have each others numbers and one woman -I call her the cheerleader-invited me to one of their after work gatherings. I heard one teacher cancelled going because she heard I was invited. Well she said she was going to text me and never did. I was open to going but very hesitant and uncomfortable. Strangely I ran into them oddly enough after I took my daughter to dinner. And she responded with oh how did you find us I never texted you. I mean how crazy is that?
    All I can say is that I stay focused and I know that I will move on from there. They are all so fake. I tease them back in jokingly way too. So they if they’re clever enough to get it that I’m on their stupidity. Like the time when one of the teachers got something from the lounge and an administrator walked and asked why I didn’t get one to. To which I responded that’s because so and so doesntblike me. She wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t look me straight in the eye either when I said that. I don’t get it. I know it’ll always be there but i never did anything to anyone to warrant such treatment!

  204. Dear Wonder Woman: The “high school clique” phenomenon is seemingly definitely stronger where you work in a SCHOOL environment (not that it doesn’t exist to some degree on almost every job where there are women working together). These gals seem to miss their old high school days, so they are continuing to live them out indefinitely at their jobs at this school. They probably don’t like the fact that you don’t want or need to participate in that type of immature behavior. You say you intend to move on when you can — I pray that God gives you the perfect timing and ability to do so on the best possible terms for you. At that point, when someone asks what became of your old job, you will be able to say: “I graduated.!” (I’m afraid those gals will be in remedial classes there forever.)

    Dear Andrea: As a fellow Christian, I agree with your exhortion to treat others the way you would like to be treated, and the way God would have you treat them, and that everyone will be accountable someday for only their own responses/behavior. I certianly don’t condone lashing out in kind (using their same tactics) when mistreated (especially when mistreated by non-Christians who essentially don’t know any other way to behave). But speaking the truth, in love, and being direct (without being hateful) and responding when necessary with righteous anger (as Jesus did in the temple) is appropriate — but we must take each circumstance on a case-by-case basis and follow the Holy Spirit’s leading at the moment. Still, even if you perfectly follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in a given situation and speak the truth in love, the more evil the group or person is, the more they will pretend to be offended and mislabel you. IOW, they may hate you even more for handling the situation with love and maturity! At least you will know you are on the right track, as you will be a victim of persecution for doing the right thing, and for that you will be rewarded, not only in Heaven someday, but in this life now! The very first reward you will notice is the ability to look at yourself in the mirror, something they are not able to do.

    You mentioned that sometimes people don’t like that fact that you are up front, but what they probably really didn’t like was being BUSTED when they were relying on your fear of not being accepted to cause you to cower from their attacks. And consider this fact, many of these cliquey and gossipy types are also “up front,” it’s just that they’re “up front behind your back,” so they are hypocrates for disliking your directness– for they are direct too, it’s just behind your back, plus their “directness” consists of lies. Your method is definitely better than being a backstabber like them.

    A lot of cliquey and gossipy women hide behind the guise of “just being nice,” by not talking to you directly, and instead sharing their criticisms with the entire world! They will lie and say, I’m only telling you this about So And So because I don’t want to be rude and confront her, now let me spill the beans and throw in some lies to boot, then promise not to tell anybody (translation: tell everyone you know and let’s all gang up against her). Their facade of friendliness and “caring” is just a hoax to hide their treacherous ways! They certainly don’t like it when their “mask of friendliness and caring” is pulled off for all to see what is really behind it. Naturally, they will turn around and purposefully mislabel YOU as “mean” when you were simply telling the truth in love to set the record straight. But they don’t WANT the record set straight — lies and embellishments are so much more entertaining AND they serve their hidden agenda! There is always a hidden agenda!

    A lot of this fakiness would disappear in women’s circles if there were more women out there who stood up for truth and honesty and directness and they no longer had a way to hide.

    Also, the less women care about cliques and the less they participate in them, the weaker they will get over time. Cliques should not be rewarded or validated with the presence of anyone who is fair and honest. Also, with no one fair and honest around to beat down, they will implode and start pecking EACH OTHER to death — for it seems they always need a target in order to find a reason to exist.

  205. I am sooooooo happy I found this site because I couldn’t sleep from all the worry about my dwindling friendships. I always knew that I had some jealous friends and I would work on keeping our conversations geared toward them so I didn’t have to tell them anything good about myself because if I did I would not hear from them and that would make me lonely and freindless. However, I am tired of all this work to try to keep them calling me. I decided that I had enough and am letting them go. I am talking years here of putting myself down to please them. What a fool, right? Anything to keep a friend. No more! I am a happy person and I want a friend to share things with, the good and the bad. My friends like to hear the bad and then will talk to me but one good thing, the subject gets changed or I don’t hear from them. I don’t have a big group of freinds but l don’t need this in my life anymore. I have to start over and at age 47 it is hard. You tend to stay with what is comfortable but also you realize that the comfort is not so comfortable and you need to move on. You are never alone as I saw from this site. Hang in there, be yourself and never put yourself down to make someone else feel good!! It took me a long time to realize this. Thank you for such an eye opening site.

  206. Hi rosemarie,

    I was really glad to find this site, too. It is so hard to give up ‘friendships’, especially, the long term ones.

    I’ve been finding new gal friends, but am seeing some of the same ‘all about them’, traits. I start to say something about a vacation, my hubby, etc. and it’s blah, blah, blah…how great their lives are in that same area. Did they listen to one word that I said, no. It is disheartening, discouraging, and makes me want to stay home with my hubby and cats! Really!

    Yet, we want friends, sincere, caring friends! Like you, I have avoided, the good, exciting, joyous moments, in my own life, just to keep these people in my life! It hurts them too much to see my happiness. How sad is that? Yet, they can go on and on about their ’stuff’ and I sit there like a dumbbell and listen!

    I have a very youthful daughter in law who is having the same problem, but doesn’t want to go shopping, lunching, etc. alone. I’ve told her that she will have to tolerate some of this or be friendless. I guess that is the point…which hurts more, to be lonely, friendless, or put up with this oh so annoying, hurtful, behavior?!

    One of these gabby, thoughtless, new ‘friends’ is becoming my ‘movie buddy’. This way, we talk about the movie afterward and the conversation isn’t personal. We go our separate ways having enjoyed a good movie. This is not a friendship, really, but it does help with all of that crazy me, me (!) interaction!

    This site is a great place to vent!! I know I have done my share of it! :)

    Well, stay in touch…and do think about keeping some of these ‘old friends’ for movie dates. Starting over is not as great as you think it will be. Gracious folks are few and far between!

    Hug to you!

  207. I know what you mean, Petperson. Burning bridges is fun at first, but then begins to feel hard, harsh and isolating. I’ve rebuilt some bridges to varying degrees-on a case by case basis :) One friendship has required several times of me speaking up rather harshly followed by loooong breaks for her to realize that I mean business and won’t take the old crap. (This process has actually taken a few years.) Another friend who showed up after years of estrangement started off our reunion going on and on about his problems and completely draining me. After only 2 conversations like this I said O.K. you talked about yourself for over an hour yesterday, now it’s time to talk about me. And, I’ve called him on his negativity from the get go and told him that it drained me and took me several days to get over. The fact that I nipped this stuff in the bud seems to be way healthier and have better results than the old “suffering in silence”. Another friend who is the reason I found this site in the first place said so many mean things towards the end that I am still smarting too much to really let her back in. After about 14 months of not speaking to her I wrote her a card and said I had thought of her and a couple of lines of small talk. She wrote back right away which I was happy for but I haven’t been able to write back yet. It may be quite a while before I get over her razor sharp words. Also, I have 2 friends who just talk right over me and interrupt me constantly-I can’t get a word in and am so tired of it. I am armed with a couple of simple direct sentences for the next time this happens. So, like I think I said in an earlier post, either being a door mat or cutting people out of your life period seems like 2 extreme behaviors. I’m trying to learn to be more direct about my feelings and desires and having appropriate boundaries. And if a boundary means I don’t talk to you for a long time or as much as I used to so you get the point then that is what is needed.

  208. Well, Rocy, it sounds like you have learned to walk ‘the middle of the road’ with these people. I guess if they are ‘old friends’ you can at least sorta tell them off and they are faithful enough to stick around, Lol

    I kinda told off a new lady acquaintance because she was going on like a Banshee about her life! She was stunned when I told her that she was pretty much totally self involved! I mean, what could I lose?! Since that time, we have gotten together some. She is a little more attentive, I see her catching herself when ‘diarrhea of the mouth’ starts! :) We only see one another about once every couple of months..that’s plenty!

    I’m thinking the trick is to line up several folks, that way, the raw edges don’t show up as fast! I actually tried going it alone, to movies, lunch with a book and I didn’t like that…not at all.

    I have definitely burned the bridges on the ‘nasty’ jealous one. She didn’t talk too much, but was mean with some comments. I don’t need that in my life. Oddly enough, I miss some things about her. Ah well…

    So, keep working with these people, build more history and speak up when they get to be too much! Old friends look pretty good when you try to build something with new acquaintances and they have the very same ’stuff’ going on!

    I have questioned myself, in all of this! What part am I playing? How/why do I attract these motor mouths?! Yet, I will sit and sit, listen and listen, interjecting just a little here and there, etc….just to be blown off like I said nothing. It leaves me with a sad feeling…being alone when one is not alone…so odd.

  209. This link to a video (at the bottom) came to my email. I thought it might help some of us. I too have been hurt & disapointed knowing I was a good friend and then when I needed a friend, they were either not there for me or I would be betrayed or verbally abused. They would apologize & I would forgive…over and over and over again. Finally, I had an epiphany that I felt like God must have given me, but not my own thought that I came up with. What came to me was that I need to continue to treat others the way God would want us to, the way we want to be treated because we will have to answer to Him for how we treat others and THEY will have to answer to God for the way they treated people. Then I decided it was time to clean house!! And I did just that!! I decided, I not only did not want to be friends or associate with a person who not only verbally abused me, but others too…that I did not want to associate with them. My Greatgrandmother used to say, you can’t play with **** and not get some on you!! And she was so right. I also needed to have self-respect & if my boundaries were crossed I let them know. I have always been outspoken so I had no problem speaking up like people that are non-confrontational do. If I say something about them to someone else then I will be accountable & say it to their face, but I am NOT a liar or a backstabber or two-faced & I hate people that are!! Some people like me being outspoken & some people don’t! You always know where you stand with me! I don’t talk behind peoples backs. I am not cruel about it, but I am upfront. What has gotten me hurt the worst is my soft, caring & loving heart… its just my nature. I was a sloooow learner!! My husband said when I meet someone, I give them my all! He said you need to give a little & then wait and see…let them give a little before I give more. I also think that its important to look at not only our own flaws, but also that of that person…when its a character flaw…such as jealousy or having an abusive nature…its time to cut ties before you get too emotionally involved with that person. I found this site after an 11 yr old who is going into 6th grade( so called friend) of my granddaughters (who is going into 4th grade) became jealous & manipulative, would turn stories around & then when she spent the night. she lied to my granddaughters other friend that was also spending the night & told her my granddaughter had been saying things (lying) about her. She ended up getting that girl to leave with her & spend the night with her. My granddaughter called me crying on the phone heartbroken!! I am not being a blind…oh my granddaughter never does anything wrong, but its truely not her nature (nor could her mother find any evidence of such in her cell ph texts or FB msgs). There have been at least 3 or 4 incidences with this girl & jealousy. She texted my granddaughter & wanted to be friends again & approve her as a FB friend again & my daughter told her absolutely not even though my granddaughter wanted to! This girl was trying to convince my granddaughter everything was all a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding my ass!! She is a manipulative girl!! Some quiz she had taken on FB said she 77% evil…I don’t think I would post that on my FB because I would not be proud of that! I don’t want my granddaughter to get heart, which is inevitable in life…or corrupted by this girl either! My daughter said one day the girls could be in a store & the other girl could steal something & get caught and try and pin it on my granddaughter and I said I would not put it past her!!
    **********************************************************************************Welcome to Day Six of our Self-Improvement Boot Camp. The
    subject for today is Paying the Price.
    If you’re already completely aware that you have to make sacrifices and need to pay the price to improve yourself in the long run, please skip this section and wait for Day Seven. If you are like the rest of us mere mortals, please complete Day Six.
    Step 1: The first step for Day 6 is to watch the video pertaining to this lesson. You can find that video here:
    http://www.selfgrowth.com/blog/bootcamp6.html

  210. I’m certainly having a hard time right now to search on internet for the friends, jealous topic and I’m grateful that I found this page. It feels so great to see people in the same boat, who have the same feeling and had the same experience.

    I’m just wondering to myself, why am I giving the girl so much power to affect me? Even on my birthday? I know she is not happy, she’s insecure, I know she always envied me that I have a better career, higher motivation to advance, a caring and good looking husband, and now, an expected baby. I know she wants all of it, but somehow she just can’t. I’ve always been caring, out there for her all the time, she treats other acquaintances better than me. My husband and I we were trying to justify the reason behind it, then the jealousy came into the picture. I know I’ll phase her out gradually, but I just regret for all the time and energy that I spend on her, literally for nothing.

    I need to slowly drag myself out of this, think of the positive more. I do have other friends who are not the jealous type.

  211. Hi Wendy,
    The reason you are giving this girl so much power to affect you is that you have connected to her “heart-wise”, have affection for her, etc. The feeling of loss is so natural. It will be therapeutic for you to grieve this loss, allow yourself to ‘to go there’ feel the pain. If you didn’t feel sad/bad about this it would be most unnatural!

    I know none of this lessens the hurt, but it is important to honor our feelings in order to heal properly. There is a psychological, emotional, need to be with that ‘little feeling person’ we carry inside…in a nurturing way.

    Well, anyway…jealous “friends” are jealous because their own lives are not complete. It actually hurts them to witness, first hand’ what they could have! Slighting you, maybe saying mean things, putting you down in some ’sneaky’ way, helps them to feel better. Just seeing your face fall is something like “See, I do have power in your perfect world, I can hurt you…you aren’t so invulnerable! Notice me!”

    Emotionally intelligent/well balanced people, who do not have abandonment issues, will find there own interest and ‘get a life’ without having to wreck yours! They are healthy, in other words! they can be happy for you because, hey, they are doing just fine in their own lives!

    Unhealthy emotional (for whatever reason) are like vampires, I know this may sound strange, but they draw from you in order to maintain themselves. Putting you in your ‘place’ gives them a weird kind of strength/power.

    Finding one or two SINCERE people who listen and can be with you (and your wonderful life)… and be happy for you, is a tall order!! This type of giving/sharing with another person is just so grand!

    Of course, we must keep a vigil on how well we listen, how much we care, how sincere are we?! :) Someone once said “Love is reflected in love”. I’ve always liked that saying!

    Good luck to you in your search for REAL friendship! Let us know how you are doing!

  212. I too have had many problems with jealous friends over the years. It can be so hurtful when the people you have been a good friend to turn on you. I was particularly interested in Matties theory on why we keep on attracting these people in the first place. I truly believe that we attract what we have come to feel “familiar” with at an impressionable stage in our lives. My own story is that I had a very critical, manipulative mother and when I was 10 yrs old my brother who is 18 yrs older than me married a woman who was terribly jealous of me. For years this woman resented me, put me down and when I was 15 yrs old she attacked me and punched me in the face when she was drunk. The rest of the family acted like I had deserved this and my mother “forgave” her for hitting me. I felt so betrayed and hurt that this woman was allowed to walk into our family and victimise me and no-one protected me. Mum is dead now and I dont see my brother and “sister in law from hell” any more, but I believe that I was conditioned at an early age to believe that women could get away with openly displaying jealousy and resentment toward me and get away with it. I think I came to believe that I deserved it and this is why I have gone on attracting this into my life. I am currently doing some deep emotional and spiritual work on myself and I believe that my experiences will change as I continue to jettison these false beliefs that have held me hostage for 30 yrs. I too, have “put my **** on the table” cos I am tired of having to walk through it. Love and Light to all of you

  213. Hi Sylvia,

    It sounds like you have had some real bad experiences and at an early age. There are very mean people in this world and it is horrible that children are subject to their cruelty.

    I’m glad you are freeing yourself from the past and hope you can live, peacefully, in your remaining years.

    Thank you for sharing with us.

  214. Oh I am in the same situation as you except the church part! Exactly same currently SAHM, recently bought our home, etc. And I too don’t have lots of friends, just a few of which probably only a couple of them are not jealous. It’s tough! A lot of times I wonder if its something to do with me. But I am a nice person, like to compliment others when they receive an accomplishment or when they look good or whatever. I am never the jealous type or insecure. We live our life the way we want and how it makes us happy we live for us not for others and can never understand why some people can let their jealousy and envy take it so far. Like you my best friend is my husband. He understands me and feels a lot like me. He too only has a couple good friends. We have a lot of people we know but I can’t call them friends.

    Never thought so many people have these same issues.

  215. Wow, I had been feeling the same way for years. I have friends but seasonal friends, friends who need me when they need a favor or when things go upside down in their lives but when it’s about me needing to talk or wanting to vent, they turn their heads the other way or uncalled for comments they say as if they don’t want to hear it. My husband is my best friend too and I tell him everything and we have a great relationship but I also need women in my life because they understand more of how we feel.

  216. Hi Mommy!

    There are a lot of us in ‘the same boat’ with jealous ‘friends’ who are “seasonal” AND don’t listen!
    I’ve joined meetup.com and met some nice ladies for lunch, etc. I don’t expect as much as I used to. We just laugh and talk and go our separate ways. Maybe one day I will have a new ‘best friend’, but, for now this is working for me! :)
    It’s great that your hubby is your best friend! Thant’s pretty perfect! :)

  217. Dear KC,

    You feel that you need women in your life because you believe they understand more how you feel, but it’s better to have NO women friends than the kind described in these pages. And I’m not even sure that most women really DO understand more how we feel — maybe they just know how to PRETEND they do in order to gain your trust, so they can stab you in the back later if they ever grow jealous of you. Or, perhaps they can understand more how we feel, but what GOOD is that if they only use that “in” against us?!

    It’s great that you have your husband as your best friend, but of course, we have to walk a fine line of not overburdening the man in our life with too much talking, and instead limit our issues of discussion to the most bothersome/important ones. And, of course, having the availability of discussing the most important issues with our husbands is in itself a gift from God, as God can and does often “speak” to us through our husband’s advice on those subjects. Sometimes our husband’s advice will be very brief, yet powerful, and maybe all we needed to know to deal with our situation. We should not under-estimate the value of a brief response, especially if God just used our husbands as a conduit for His wisdom. Sometimes we make things too complex.

    Unfortunately, those less important issues may not have an outlet to get aired to, and so we have to deal with those ourselves and with the help of the Lord. God can help us sort out things in our minds so that we know what really has priority and what doesn’t, what might be just generated from our own immaturity in an area, what steps are wise to take to resolve issues we must deal with, and give us strength and the right sense of timing to do so. That is certainly preferable to sharing them with insincere, jealous, treacherous, childish, insecure, negative women “friends” who will probably only offer worthless advice anyway that isn’t wise to follow.

    If having a woman friend or friends is deemed that valuable to us, then it is certainly worth praying about. I’m not sure if we can rely on CHANCE or CONVENIENCE to introduce us to the most worthy women friends — it may NOT be the neighbor next door, the woman who does our hair, our co-worker on the job, or a women from the gym or pilates class. I think if we sincerely pray to God to bring us a woman friend or friends worthy of our friendship, then God can bring those ties to our lives. But, just like when choosing a potential mate, if left to our OWN judgment, we might not pick the right person. But if we specifically pray for a good connection in a worthy woman friend, then I believe God can and will do so in His perfect timing and probably not from a common locale that we could have found on our own.

  218. Hi Wonder Woman:

    Like you, I also worked as a teacher for several years until last year. One rule often posted in classrooms is “treat others the way you want to be treated.” Teachers also infuse anti-bullying into character education lessons. I have never in my life worked in such a harsh environment full of cliques and favorites who push their weight around always finding targets. Meanwhile, many others choose to stay out of the way while all of this hen pecking is allowed to go on. Why did I ever become a teacher? Needless to say, I choose to start over at age 44 before I start clucking like a chicken. I wish to go back to college and change careers. Everyone knows that any job will have jealous/difficult people, but I seriously doubt it could ever be as hostile as working within a school. They should practice what they preach.

  219. Dear Lois Lane:

    I applaud you for being brave and changing careers and getting away from the toxic teachers/administrators. But I think this phenomenon is just about in every workplace to some degree. It’s more a result of the overall moral breakdown of society in general, rather than a particular profession, although you are not the first person in these posts to have had problems in a teaching environment.

    Perhaps you could use your teaching ability/experience and distaste for the toxic work environment to develop a website where you teach practical ways to survive and/or avoid these bullies. Perhaps you could hire a camera crew and actors to create teaching videos showing examples of mistreatment and coping methods. Perhaps you could hire a camera crew to secretly go out in public places and catch perpetrators in the act to create more awareness of the problem, then post the vids on your website and comment on them.

    The golden rule may indeed be posted in the schools, but if no one actually acknowledges the fact that the Author of the quotation is Jesus Christ, or pays any attention to the Author of it, then they don’t have much of a chance of reading the rest of His Book or getting to know Him or having their lives impacted by scripture/truth. Receiving Christ as an act of individual free will and studying and applying what is found in the Bible represent the only hope for people to have a true moral compass, along with the spiritual power to act on it in meaningful ways in their lives. And therein lies the problem with the moral breakdown of society — God has been taken out of the schools, even though the golden rule may be hung on the wall. Teachers would like children to adhere to the golden rule, but it doesn’t seem they do so themselves within their own circles. Teachers would like children to adhere to the golden rule, but they won’t take a stand on the systematic removal of any mention of God, Jesus or the Bible in schools (which is the SOURCE of the golden rule). I can see why many teachers are defecting to private Christian schools, getting out of the field, or becoming various types of consultants or private tutors.

    May God direct your small and large footsteps into your next career path and bless you along the way with discernment and wisdom so that your background can do the most good for mankind, and you.

  220. Hi Lois Lane,

    I’ve noticed that too. The teachers teach the kids to accept each other repetitively, and that we’re all friends but when it comes to the adults that’s necessarily not the case. The reality is that not everyone is going to like you and vice versa is what should be taught. I’m slowly but surely looking for other employment. Perhaps another school would yield more mature staff but as Mustang Sally said it is everywhere. There is a moral rot happening within our society -part of empire decline -with economy tanking and all kinds of other melt-downs. My story of becoming a teacher is a long one. I’ll probably share it in another post when I have time but it is important to not allow ourselves to bullied by cliques or jealous people suck our energy either.

  221. I could not believe it when I saw this site. I thought something has got to be wrong with me but I feel great the problem is I can’t tell my so called friends how great I feel. Now, I always get calls when they have a crisis and I listen and try to make them feel better but I don’t receive the same treatment. I have put up with this for years. I can’t help it that I’m sucessfully married and was able to retire at 47! I started work young at 17 and I worked hard for 30 yrs and I got early retirement. I’m now 50 yrs old and you know what? Nobody can still my joy unless I let them and from now on if others chose not to treat me correct I will ace them straight out of my life. I can’t talk about my feelings or my life…..only if its bad stuff then my ‘friends’ want to listen. If Gods sends me some decent friends that’s great other wise I will stick with my husband and my hobbies.

  222. Amen!

  223. Well, I’m not a religious person , myself, but do believe that we need to be proactive in the friendship area (God helps those who help themselves…kind of thing :).

    Like you Vickie, I gave up on friends and decided to make my hubby and hobbies “my friends”. I still do that, but have joined the social group www.meetup.com, recently, and have added three new acquaintances to my life! I met them at various places in meetup…a book club, a morning coffee gathering and a gourmet club. I meet them for lunch, movies, shopping…or all of the above! :)
    I’ve decided not to consider anyone a ‘best friend, (where jealousy grows), but I know I need to get out and socialize! It’s just healthy.
    Since I rotate among the three of them, things don’t get too, well, ‘familiar’. We just have a few laughs, enjoy a chick flick, have a great lunch and say ‘goodbye’. There are emails back and forth…friendly chatter, etc.
    I have learned that getting too close, saying to much (personal stuff), leads to weirdness. I wanted to pass this on to you because it works so well!! And if things ’sour’, I’ll just get active in meetup again and find new “friends”
    . This may sound shallow, but I’m tired of having jealous women too “green eyed” to listen to a word I say. It seems that when you keep the whole thing “light” they don’t get their claws into you. Lol

  224. Is good to know I’m not the only one with this issue. Is hard for me to have a real friend. At one point I thought it was me the one with the issue, but seriously I’m very sweet,caring, loyal person. I’m very,very beautiful. I have a gorgeous face,nice body,legs,hair( I do not want to brag about anything; but I want all of you reading this to understand my situation) I come from a humble family, divorce parents, and to be honest didn’t had the best example from my mother or father even thought they do love me very much. That’s just a feed back to let you all know that even with many obstacles in my life I grew up very neat and responsible. Even thought my mother does not have a career. I have done everything that is on my hands to get money for college and I’m currently going to medical school. I’m very responsible at my young age. I have a boyfriend who is very in love with me, but still is not a perfect relationship. I talk to him about everything, he’s my best friend. I wonder why is so difficult for me to find a loyal friend that wont do me wrong behind my back. Like I have had girlfriends and even thought my life is not perfect and they come from a good family and are beautiful as well. I have found out they try to get with an ex boyfriend that I had or they have gotten with them. That had happen many many time. Everyone who meets me, likes me but after becoming friends and we go out and seeing how hard I try for a good future. How I don’t hate on no one. How positive and happy I always try to be. I feel like people get jealous and try to give me bad advices in order for me to get in trouble. Or they would try to imitate me. Also if a friend has a boyfriend or husband seriously no my fault if sometimes they look at me and they like flirt. All I can do is get serious and get shy. Why, why is that?
    I want friends, and I don’t want my friend’s boyfriends to like me.

  225. Hi Barbie,

    I am A LOT older than you, I’m sure, but do have some advice.

    Beautiful young women are not overly liked by most women. They are a threat to them because husbands and boyfriends notice them. They get VERY jealous of this.You also have to be careful of men because they might want to use you, but will marry the more ‘plain Jane’. They don’t want their guy friends flirting with their wife, etc. So, to be safe, they marry a less attractive woman. This doesn’t always happen, but does, quite often.

    Since beautiful people are often ‘used’ and not always respected for what they have in their heads (intelligence) I STRONGLY suggest you continue with your education and be respected for your mind!!! Also, look good, but don’t overdo make up and tight clothes. This will draw attention to your looks and not in a good way, Once again, men will be drawn to you for your looks/body, but won’t care about your mind. The world is filled with beautiful girls who have been used in a bad way…have babies, end up overweight and with no education.

    When you have a good education, dress in a more refined way, you will surround yourself with similar people and it will change your entire life!

    We tend to make all of our mistakes from around 15 to 25 years old. If you can continue on, get an education, surround yourself with quality people, give yourself time to see the world through more mature eyes you will escape repeating the same mistakes that so many girls have fallen victim to. Do this for yourself!!!

    You WILL have jealous people all along the way, but keep on going. Get that education…it will change your life!

    In time, you will have respected people who like you for who you are!

  226. Dear Barbie:

    I applaud you for going to medical school to change your life and make your future better than your childhood. You might feel “less than” some of these girls just because of your family life, but you should not, as that has nothing to do with a personal true value. Also, whether it was your parents or THEIRS who were divorced, it’s NOT okay for friends to flirt with each others boyfriends (or ex’es) at any time.

    Don’t worry about whether the other girls are true friends — I’ll tell you now to get it over with — they’re not going to be. It’s partly how society is more selfish and childish than ever, but it’s partly the raging hormones in these girls. Get your “girl talk fix” if you must with them, but try not to offer any important information about yourself they might use against you. I doubt you will receive much real support for your school/career efforts from them either, so you’ll have to look to yourself and your God for that emotional support.

    Meanwhile, this boyfriend may not be the ultimate one for you, so be careful not to start a family with him accidentally. Someday, when you are with the man you should be with, he can also be your best friend.

    People (especially women) tend to refuse to be willing to ascribe any positive qualities to beautiful women, even when those positive qualities are obvious — it’s apparently too devastating to their own sense of self esteem to know that another woman could be beautiful AND nice AND honest AND humble, AND etc.. So instead they may try to ignore those positive qualities and ascribe to you unfair negative labels, such as “man stealer,” even though you are not giving out the flirt vibe to their men. Also, when these positive attributes are found in you by your friends, they only see those attributes as pathways they can use to sabatoge you. In other words, they mistake nice with “pushover.” Be nice but don’t be a pushover.

    You can remain sweet, nice, honest and humble and hardworking with a great future and STIL be savvy and smart and not allow these predictable prissys to stand in your way or make problems for you, but you will have to learn to say “no” (firmly but nicely) when they want to hone in on your private life or cross boundaries. You can also be considered a nice person if on occasion you are forced to put one of them in their place with a short and perhaps sarcastic and/or humorous but enlightening quip, as long as you go back to treating them nice afterward. They will know that you aren’t to be messed with but that you intend to maintain your sweetness. And always remember they are NOT the source of your self-esteem on any given day.

    If you know in advance their mindset and their typical games, then you can also head them off at the pass in many ways.

    Keep working on your English — your post was impressive, but you definitely want your English to be perfect by the time you become a doctor later. Keep going on your medical school and put that before the boyfriend or friends. (Then maybe you will run into your old friends once you are a doctor and see how they turned out.) I wish you well in your school and career and family.

    Go Barbie!

  227. Great answer, Mustang Sally! I hope Barbie reads and re-reads these responses!

    I had no help like this, as a young ‘attractive’ (according to my mom!) girl, and made far too many mistakes and was hurt by so many mean comments. Jealousy was at the bottom of much of the meanness!

    I so wish that I had know better, gotten more of an education, etc.

    I love my sons, divorced their dad, and have struggled for years to make sense of life. I’m doing well now, but it has been a long, hard road, emotionally and psychologically!

    This is a great ‘heads up’ site! :)

  228. I’ve been having the same trouble with jealous friends, particularly with a friend of mine who i am so happy for is engaged. We’re both 25 and she was constantly only attracting douchbag type of guys and when she finally met her now fiance i was really happy for her bc i knew how hard it was for her to finally meet someone stable. So the jealous tension came when my boyfriend and i would went on south american and european trips. I had told her that we want to do many boyfriend/girlfriend stuff before we become engaged and have kids bc timing and money would be a problem for us by then. We want to take things a step at a time. When i told her all this she slowly ignored my calls but wold only call me when and if i already ordered the brides maid dress for her wedding which upset me bc i was the first one of the bridesmaid to order mine. I am 100% happy for her but it seems that only she can be happy ONLY for herself and everybody around her can’t have an opinion. Ironically, she began cutting me off when her fiance found out where my boyfriend worked and about his promotion. (My bf’s would never tell anyone unless asked about his work or promotion). As a girlfriend i enjoy hearing about my boyfriends’ and friends’ successes bc i’ll take pride in them and tell others about their success as well. I understand it may have hurt his ego bc he’s still working on his degree but then why ask. My boyfriend is no millionaire he just worked very hard to be where he is, and still is. He scrificed vacations with friends, family parties, and sooo much more tha when he finally passed this huge exam i was so happy to inform as many ppl.

  229. Dear eve/petperson: Thanks for the compliments about my post to Barbie, I really feel for her situation. I think a lot of what has been written here by various posters is worth printing and reading again later!

    I’m glad that your life is making sense now — I too have a son I love and an awful (psychotic, violent drug-abusing gun nut) ex-husband from whom I had a difficult divorce many, many years ago. I had such a foundation in faith already that the divorce never made me question God or my life. But after several years went by as a single mom, I DID start to wonder how long it would take me to meet a fella worth marrying by the time my son was starting college.

    Then, I finally met my soulmate from God at the ripe old age of 43! I sort of cover how that breakthrough happened in my youtube vlog on meeting one’s soulmate at www.youtube/agathanas. I plan to create a website and self publish a Christian book on the subject on that website with a PDF download (after payment via PayPal) that goes into great practical and spiritual detail, but this vlog does have some hints about how to get the ball rolling. Maybe you’ll enjoy the vlog. Maybe some other single gals here will check it out too.

    Hubbie and I are coming up on our 9th anniversary on 10-01-10. When God makes a match it’s a doozey!

  230. Hi Mustang Sally,

    I did go to your youtube video and watched it. :) I’m happy for you and hope you have many, many, years of joy with your soul mate/hubby!

    As I have written before, on this site, I am not the traditional religious person, but have chosen the Buddhist path. I did meet my soul mate and we have been married for fourteen years! :)

    My hubby is the reason my life has ‘turned around’. We are very much in love! :)

    My ex husband was a nice enough guy, really (we are still very good friends), but the ‘empty nest syndrome’ caught us off guard. After our sons went to college we discovered that we had not built a life for the two of us! This ‘vacancy’ is hard to describe. Anyway, we separated, initially, and then divorced.

    Well, it looks like you and I are both happy! Thanks for your response!

  231. Dear eve/petperson:

    Thanks for checking out my YouTube!

    I didn’t know about your current hubbie initially, and then I must have gotten thrown off a bit by this quote that didn’t mention him: “I love my sons, divorced their dad, and have struggled for years to make sense of life. I’m doing well now, but it has been a long, hard road, emotionally and psychologically!” Sorry about the assumption!

  232. Hi Mustang Sally… (my favorite song to dance to!) :)

    Yes, it is VERY HARD to write and express everything in a blogging format, emails, etc. We do somewhat better in person!

    I did have a some ‘bad times’, but all has ‘ended’ well! this site reminds me of some of the ‘life struggles’ I had…jealousy, etc.

    Thanks for your comments!

  233. Dear Eve/petperson,

    I want to thank you for taking the time to give me such good “hard but realistic” advices. I took my time to analyze and though about the advices that you gave me. You are absolutely right in everything you said and I will have it on mind. I do dress proper/conservative since I don’t want to draw the wrong attention and I don’t overdo my make up. I’m very simple.

    I’m working hard to achieve my goal/education; so far I have excellent grades.

    I truly appreciate your response, may god bless always.

    Regards,

    Barbie

    P.s. I took a bit long to check the responses because I was busy with school.

  234. Dear Mustang Sally,

    First of all, I printed your response! You are very smart and I honestly appreciate and thank you for your advices.

    You answered every single question and doubt that I had, even the ones that I didn’t write!! You also notice that I need to improve my English. When reading your comment I felt like if i was taking in front of you and you patiently and perfectly replied.

    I want to let you know that you don’t have idea how much I appreciate that you took your time to respond. You have helped me and I’m truly grateful for that.

    My education is my priority and I will wait for the right person to build a family.

    May god always bless you in life!!!

    Regards,

    Barbie

  235. Thanks for your sweet and detailed response to my advice, I’m here to help.

    You might want to also check out my little blog about how to find your God-picked soulmate at www.youtube.com/agathanas (info may be useful someday).

    High five,

    Amanda

  236. It takes a very strong person (mentally, that is) to be happy for someone else’s accomplishments, and very few people are that strong. If you’re at a good place in your life, those people you know who are not at a good place will inevitably be jealous of you. You don’t even have to boast. All it takes is to have it good in one area (job, husband, kids, house), and most people, especially women, can’t handle it. I’ve learned that I have to find people who are at the same socioeconomic level to hope to maintain a friendship, and even that is not guaranteed.

  237. You’re right, Jeannie, it is hard to find ‘real friends’ and we must look in our own socioeconomic lifestyle. Even then, there is jealousy and betrayal.

    Sometimes, when we encourage relationships with, older, wiser people, who have “been there done that”, they can really, genuinely, be happy for you!

    When we live “the good life”, those who have less, well, they will envy us. I guess that is just the way it is.

  238. I take great comfort in knowing that I am not the only person going through this. Tonight, my husband and I came to a conclusion: most women feel better about themselves by taking other women “down a few notches”. In my own case, the whole situation is now been made worse by my “friends” being jealous of my son’s achievements. One even tearfully admitted that she was angry at me because she was “grieving” over the life that her son won’t achieve - when she sees my son achieve, she starts grieving. I’m sorry but that is just ridiculous. This woman has been friends with me for 15 years. I am ready to surgically remove her from my life. Maybe I am just too much like a “guy” in terms of friends - if that friend isn’t someone that shares my ups and downs, shares her own, and can’t keep from being jealous over things I might have happening in my life - I choose to end those friendships because they are a total waste of my time. I’d rather spend time with my DOG than deal with this kind of thing. Actually I’d rather do anything including mop floors or have my teeth extracted. UGH

  239. I suggest reading the book “Tripping the Prom Queen.” It explains it all. It is unfortunately the culture of female friendships. We need a paradigm change. We need to be cooperative and build each other up, not competitive.

  240. I will check out “Tripping the Prom Queen,” it sounds interesting by the title.

    Yes, all these issues are caused by one big lie in a person’s frame of mind that needs changing before any progress can be made in their lives: that one person’s success takes sucess from another. That is the main fallacy and it is a lie from the pit of hell. God has more than enough blessings in store for “whosoever will.”

    It’s like when I go to COSTCO and buy a big bag of cat food and when I start feeding my cats they all act like if another cat eats some there won’t be enough for them. I just stand there and shake my head tisk, tisk, tisk. What do I have to do, take them to COSTCO with me to show them the big warehouse full of big bags of cat food like the one I brought home to open their eyes to the abundance available?

    I guess that’s why it’s called being “catty.” Meow! Hiss!

  241. And even if one doesn’t believe in a sky fairy (i.e. God), it’s smart for people to realize that being jealous of someone does them no personal good whatsoever. Being happy for someone is the smart thing to do; they may share in the secrets of their success with you! I have some great tips–things that have made all the difference in my life–but I share them only with people who are nice to me.

  242. I’ll be nice, Jeannine! Tell me some secrets:) I could use some good tips right about now…

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