Random: Telling Us We Are “Wasting Water”
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My Biggest Complaint About Friends Being Jealous of Me

Ok I have had this big problem probably since I was in college. Before I get to that, I have been very blessed. I came from an underpriviledged, broken home but I ended up graduating from college, finding the wonderful, handsome husband, getting a great job, having a beautiful baby, then leaving work to be a stay at home mom, and getting a new house and new car. I advanced in my job and I advanced into leadership in my church. I can sing and do this a lot at churches and such.

This is all great, but I have always felt kind of lonely in the area of friendships. I call my husband my best friend because I can never seem to have a lasting friendship with women. My bridal party was sad. It was an older woman from church and some in laws.

I’m pretty sure jealousy is the problem. I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me. I really don’t feel like being in relationships where I can never talk about my life, my feelings, current events, etc. To me, that’s not a friendship. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? Am I doomed to no genuine friends in my life?

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453 Comments

  1. The older I have gotten the more I have noticed the exact thing, and yes it has come with success. People tend not to like to associate with positive, attractive, successful, happy people. It was interesting reading your complaint because the when you said “I am a very caring person, a good listener, and willing to give a helping hand to a friend in need, but whenever I talk about anything positive in my life, my “friends” want to change the subject or they actually tell me they’re jealous or they tell me they hate me (in a “joking” tone), or they half pretend to be interested and then stop contacting me.” I swear I have said those exact words!

    I had a coworker tell me once that I have too much confidence and I come across arrogant. I am a “take charge” kind of guy but I have learned, especially since I am not managing people anymore to keep my opinions and suggestions to my self. I am using this outside of the office as well.

    Work is the worst, and I have finally realized that no one here is my friend and no one here will ever be my friend.

    On a positive note, I haven’t given up hope. I still put forth the effort to relate to people and find friends. Hopefully one day, it will happen for both of us.

  2. you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.

  3. I might add also that others HATE to hear that everything is “perfect” for you when their lives may be falling apart.

    If I’ve learned anything important in life it is to listen and actually HEAR what others are saying. My husband and I are much like you (except the church stuff), he enjoys bragging about our home, cars, vacations and I don’t. If someone asks I’ll gladly tell them about our cruise or European trips and show them pictures. He enjoys being admired for all he’s achieved and often complains if he doesn’t get acknowledgment. I’m totally different, in that I know what we’ve achived and I get a little “high” just for myself in knowing that we are successful and have arrived in life.

    I also know that 1 minute can take away or change everything. So I never take anything for granted. Don’t let others sway you, always stay true to yourself.

    Leona

  4. No matter what you do, people are always going to be insecure about themselves, and will project that onto you in the form of jealousy, resentment, hatred, whatever. It’s what people do. Nothing you can change about yourself, your life, or your hard work and success will change the other person’s mind and heart. If a girl friend is jealous of you because you know how to save money to get the things you want, but she is stuck on the morning latte factor, and lotto tickets and smokes she just “has” to have, she’ll never be able to understand how to save money like you. That makes her feel stupid, which makes her buy more junk to make herself feel better, which makes her have less money, which makes her more jealous. She can’t figure out that if she just quit smoking and exercised, she’d look, feel, and be better off. Her mind just can’t understand it. That’s just how she’s made. You can’t make her understand any more than she’s willing to understand in her own power.

    I’m sorry that’s not a happy answer, but I’m in EXACTLY the same boat and feel just like you do. It’s getting so predictable that I know just what silly switch to throw to get them to go into a tizzy over something stupid. Why are these people still around me? They do me no good! It’s sad that people have to be so insecure and jealous. It’s sad that people can’t be happy for you because you try and work and save and do the right thing. But that’s how petty and small people are.

    I’m looking for a new church group now to try and find some more like minded individuals, at least maybe some more intelligent people, so we’ll see if I turn up any new friends. 2009 is my year to grow and if I have to shed these others, so be it. I can’t spend my life catering to those around me who need to be coddled every second of the day.

    I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s the attitude you have to take sometimes. You have to take care of #1 first, and sometimes, you have to learn that it has to be ok that you can’t help everybody around you.

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!

  5. “you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.”

    Listen to the wisdom of what Mark is saying there with that one line.

    If the people you used to be friends with are no longer comfortable with you, chances are it’s because YOU’VE changed. It won’t be enough for you to find new people to be your friends. You need to find a new TYPE OF PERSON for you to get a long with.

    Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.

  6. It would be great if somehow we could all find eachother and all be friends.. wonder if it would work? :)

    we all seem to be having the same problem with these other people (our ‘friends’) who don’t know how to deal with the fact that we have happiness and success in our lives.

    so as AdventrCapitalist said we need to “Expand your paradigm: you may need to do some unfamiliar things in some unfamiliar places, but it may be easier than trying to find like-minded people in the environments you’ve made friends in the past.”

    I would also love to have some true friends.. maybe this is a good place to start :))

  7. Wow! What a great site. I am going through this exact experience. I am midlife and I feel like I have almost no friends. Petty jealousy, lack of interest, intimidated. I don’t know what it is. And yes, I’ve recently had one friend just phase me out. So, something about me has changed. Is it my working out? I don’t know.
    I don’t rub things in to make people feel bad. I am nice, compassionate, caring person who has a lot of interests. I have a very devoted husband and he and I are best friends. I have two kids that keep me busy, busy, busy but in a good way. I do not have the perfect marriage, I do not have perfect kids, and I do not have a perfect life. Perfect is for another planet. The best I can hope for is incremental improvement on this planet and to be humble and grateful for all the good things I have.
    I keep hoping to run into other women that are considerate, interesting, and have a variety of interests. Our family does a lot with our church, but frankly, I have often found almost the most resentment and pettiness from people I have met there.
    Do I have crummy things going on in my life? Absolutely, but attitude is everything. Happiness is not due to circumstance, but by our attitude. I choose to be happy even if there are many things in my life that are going really crummy. Somehow, I think people might assume since I am “happy”, that this means I don’t have anything crummy going on in my life.
    The lack of friendship or jealous friends is a much more common experience than I have ever imagined. Any input is appreciated.

  8. Plantperson,
    I spent all last year phasing out a friend who was constantly lying, ignoring, mistreating me, abusing our trust by telling others intimate things about me that were private. She is a martyr, denies any wrong doing, asks to work on saving our friendship, begs forgiveness…

    Then last night we went to a function for a mutual friend and she BLATANTLY IGNORED ME. I waved my arms over my head in an attempt to get her attention, to say hello from my seat, and she looked right through me. By phasing her out, I never said I would never speak to her again, but placed her at ‘acquaintence’ level and did not trust her with my heart. Her answer to this is to pretend I am now invisible. This is one of the thousand reasons why I phased this friendship out. It only hurts me, it does not benefit me.

    You choose to be happy and make the most out of this blessed life that God has given you? Great! That’s all it takes for people to be jealous, intimidated, and hate you. That’s it! Should you start hating your life and cursing God up and down and take up smoking crack so that you have a ‘real’ problem that people can feel sorry for? Hell no! No matter what you do, you will intimidate people, make them jealous, insecure, upset, and make them hate their own life to some degree. There’s nothing you can do.

    Am I lonely for a friend now, a real friend? Yes. Will I grab just anyone so I won’t be friendless? No. Do I have a variety of interests? Yes. Could I be your friend? Sure. haha All I ask is that you love YOU, know who you are and where you’re going in life, and enjoy sharing you with me as I walk this path. That’s it.

    What’s so hard about that??? I wish I knew…

  9. Hi Carrie:

    Thanks for the post. I think you did the right thing in phasing this “nasty person” out of your life. There is no positive benefit to being around a person like that. You have to protect yourself.
    I have found that I need to learn how to disappoint others so I can be true to myself. I wouldn’t worry about her ignoring you. Let it go. I have been in a similar situation where this woman was a chronic rude b899h to me no matter how nice I was to her. After five years of this crummy treatment and trying to “turn the other cheek”, I made a New Year’s Resolution that I am done. I know that from time to time there will be contact because of mutual friends but I’ll say hi and leave it at that. I’ve already walked away from her once and she seemed pretty surprised that I told her I had to leave and walked away.
    I know who I am and I suppose that is scary to a lot of people too because they don’t want to deal with the baggage inside themselves. Sometimes the scariest place we could go is inside our own minds.
    Anyhow, it is interesting to see what a common experience this is. I had no idea how many people struggle with jealousy issues. Either their own or because they are insecure about someone else.
    By the way, jealous, mean people will never feel sorry for you. They take great satisfaction in knowing someone they are jealous of is having a rough time. They are not sorry for that person, they are gloating. They see niceness as a weakness. So, I’ve had to change my paradigm on how I think about friendship and get really picky about who I’ll invest time in. A lot like dating and marriage I suppose.
    Have a good Valentine’s Day. Keep in touch.
    Plantperson

  10. what can I say,..
    If jealous friends come to your life, it is because they want to be like you.. just wanna be like you.. everythings gonna be alright, dont worry be happy..

  11. Hi Everyone,

    I’m so glad I found this website ~ I am sorry all of you have gone through the same thing, but it is nice to know that other people are going through the same things I am. All day today I felt like i had no true friends. I guess I couldn’t help it, because the other day my “so called friend” and I went to a childs birthday party and every time I started a conversation with her the talk always turned to “her” children. I feel like she is so jealous of my 1 (soon to be 2) year old daughter because she gets a lot of compliments from people, but I can’t help that - I also can’t help that maybe her children don’t. It’s such a shame. I felt like she was at least the one person I could count on to be a good friend, but ever since we had children she’s been so selfish.

    Its true, people do let jealousy get a hold of them. I am not a conceited person, but I am confident, caring, nice, friendly, outgoing, and successful (gave up my job to be a stay at home Mom) and I just don’t see why some people get hung up on that. The friend I spoke about above has also made several comments to me about being a stay at home Mom too like:”what do you do all day”, “don’t you get bored” or the famous “I just have to go to work every day or I’d go nuts” ~ yes, this from the same person who several months back wished she could be a stay at home Mom and who also complained about her hubby not making enough money.

    Oh, well, thanks for listening and I’m glad I got to read all your stories and vent a little - I feel better already :-)

  12. Wow, I just found this tonight..and I sooooo needed it!! Thatnks to everyone who shared! I don’t feel so alone now. I feel like a few of my “friends” and even family members have been treating me differently the past year..ever since I graduated college, got an amazing boyfriend, and started acting happier (more positive) about things. I am a very compassionate person and I wondered how certain people could be treating me so bad..then it finally hit me that they were jealous.;.because the “bad” things they usually said were almost ALWAYS about things they did not have! Sad. :-( I want them to be happy too! For themselves- for their own lives! I don’t want them to feel jealous- it’s not a compliment to me at all! (Some people might say that) It only hurts them and me as well. It is becoming a lonely place though..not having anyone to really trust or rely on. But I am SO grateful to have God (he is my ultimate best friend) and my wonderful boyfriend who is my other ‘best friend’ :-) Well, thanks again to everyone who shared..I guess we just have to remember to stay true to ourselves and stay positive no matter what.

  13. Wow! I am glad I found this little thread too. I haven’t read all of the posts, but I will post my own story, since it belongs on this board. I have a friend who is psychotically jealous of all of her friends (including me). She falsely believes that getting married and having a baby will bring her unending happiness. Each time one of our friends gets pregnant/engaged/married, she whines incessantly about how “everything just works out for everyone else.” It’s like she is forgetting that some of these people got knocked up and are now in miserable marriages, or people might be married but they are having affairs…and yet she still says they have everything she wants. She tried to force her ex-boyfriend to marry her–spent years trying to convince him to do it. Then he dumped her. Then she started dating (well actually being a f**k buddy to) another guy who told her numerous times that he did not want to get serious with her. Yet she continued to be delusional and think that they were on the road to marriage. So recently I met someone really wonderful. Things are definitely getting more serious and I am excited to have found someone who treats me like I am the most important person in his life. So…she dropped me like a hot potato. This is someone I’ve been extremely friends with for like 15 years. Before this new guy, I hadn’t had a date in an entire year, and she couldn’t find it in her heart to be happy that I found someone who has potential? All I can say is that if she can’t change her attitude, I hope she never calls me again!

  14. WOW- I am so glad to find a board chatting about this. Like all the previous posters, I have come to the realization that so-called friends often want to change subject conversation due to jealousy. And I just don’t understand it. I never try to rub anything in. I listen well. I enjoy hearing other people’s opinions as well as my own. YET there always comes a point where it seems friends want to change course when we start discussing things that show references of my successes. Or they just offer no further input or discussion. They just say “yeah.” Why is that?? I’m not trying to rub anything in, I just want to hear some sort of opinion or feelings on the matter- but they offer nothing and either try to change course or just say “yeah” and then go quiet.
    I’ve pretty much narrowed this down to jealousy. But why? Why cant a friend be happy over a dream I achieved or a goal I reached? Aren’t friends supposed to be happy for you?
    It’s unfortunate that so many people are just so shallow. Makes me wonder if I ever had any “real” friends because so many people turn out to be disappointing.

  15. It is so good to know that there are other people out there who have the same questions! I have always been a people-pleaser in that I put the needs of my friends and family before my own, spend 90% of discussions of the listening end and always went above and beyond to help people. A couple of years ago, I started dating a really great guy and naturally became a little less accessible to my friends (I am still very much there for all of them, just not above and beyond as I once was). When I got into a serious relationship, I realized there hadn’t been many activities we had done together outside or drinking or the pick up bar scene. I am at an age (25) where some of us are settling down while others are still actively on the bar scene. My friends constantly take little jabs at my “suburban lifestyle” and how I am old before my time because I have a dog and often prefer to go on long hikes, the dog park, etc. They constantly complain about how they “never see me anymore” even though I always come to them (in other words, they have never stepped foot in the [god awful] suburbs to see me). I have been placed on the “Do not call” list… even though I still make it out to see them at least once a week!

    I guess I am just surprised that no one seems to notice or care that I am healthier and happier than I have ever been. When I was going through a tough time in life, my friends were there for me and were incredible supportive…. but now that I am happy, no one seems to want to share that with me! I am thriving in my career, feel better about myself, have a great boyfriend, yet I feel like I have to point out the negatives in my life in order for anyone to pay attention or relate to me. Whenever I share an accomplishment or happy experience, my friend ask probing negative questions to discredit the experience.

    I recently go into a great graduate program, and when I casually told my friends about it a couple of nights ago, they said “cool, that is great news… so anyway…” but somehow looked incredibly disappointed while saying “congratulations”.

    I feel so alone because I make such an effort to listen to people, point out the positive things in their lives and make them feel good about themselves, while emphasizing with both their happiness and sadness. Yet, I don’t feel that this kind of genuine interest in people is reciprocated at all.

    Anyway, I still haven’t pinpointed what is going on with my friendships, but I hate the thought of giving up on people I have been so close too for so long :(

  16. Just to update any reading this thread, the phased out friend I spoke of earlier is still ignoring me. Since then, I’ve gone through a few deaths in the family, minor surgery, depression, writer’s block…you name it…and when I finally got a chance to sit down with another friend (who mutually knows the phased out friend) she was indeed shocked at my weight loss over the stress and depression of the past few months.
    HOWEVER, I got not one single, solitary word of sympathy OR a hand reaching out to tell me it would be alright. There was no support from this other friend. Her answer was:
    “Damn, I wish I could loose weight when I was depressed!” She then switched topics back to herself and children for the remainder of our visit.

    I had thought to have been rid of the jealous friend, only to trade over to another.

    Nice to know my weight loss and family loss is not enough to spurn her into at least faking being concerned for me. Not one word of sympathy, either. I’m not asking her to cry me a river over people she has never met, but is she SO jealous she can’t even throw me one bone? ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is too much to extend? I’m hurting here, and she can’t even pretend to care!!

    Maybe I’ll just stop talking to everyone I know, as I am rapidly loosing faith and trust in those around me. Seriously! And don’t tell me that it didn’t occur to her to say those things to me. What is the first word out of your mouth when someone tells you that they had a death in the family? “I’m sorry”. Maybe I’ll go be a hermit….

  17. Thanks so much for starting this post. I was feeling bad today, like what’s wrong with me to have had so many people in my life that didn’t want me to do well. I came from a very diffiicult background but have just kept on keeping on, and I’m doing O.K. now. Not a dream life, or even close to what some people on here have described, but for me, pretty good. I am disgusted by the way so called friends have begrudged me my little successes, esp. since I was always genuinely happy for them.
    I broke up with 2 of these “friends” this month, and I’ve been feeling alternately relieved and emotionally bruised, and the aforementioned “what’s wrong with me” :)
    It does make me feel better to see so many tell the same stories. Thank you for sharing. I feel stronger already.
    And Carrie-I have so been where you are right now. Please don’t let the stinkers win. Hang in there and focus on the things that give you happiness. I am sorry for your losses. There is nothing like losing a loved one. Peace and blessings to you, Sister.

  18. Hi everyone!
    I can’t believe that this is actually true. I have been feeling the same way. It seems all of my “good” friends became jealous of me ever since I started doing good in my life. I am very attentive and caring, but my best friend (whom I am no longer friends with) would never even care to listen to anything that was happening with me. She would stay silent on the phone and I sometimes felt like I was doing a monologue until I finally decided she is not worth talking to anymore. After all, friends should be happy for you when you are doing good. I am very nice and willing to meet new people, but I feel that when I offer to hang out or go for coffee, people just want to avoid me and never actually follow up on plans. I sometimes feel that it is my fault and I am doing something wrong, but then I realized that I am a much nicer person than a lot of other people and that girls just may be jealous of me and not want to make friends with me. I have gotten used to it by now and it does feel lonely sometimes as I don’t have a big family either and have no one really close to share things with, but I understand that the world can be lonely and if no one else loves you, you should always care about yourself and love yourself and be aware of people’s true intentions. I know a saying which goes something like “If you say you have many true friends, you are either lying or you don’t know what a true friend is”

  19. I am wondering if many of you are in the Los Angeles area? I would be interested in starting a Meetup group for people who are doing well, happy in their lives, etc… I’m sure it would attract a diverse group of people happy in different fields, life styles, etc… well, it’s an idea :)
    I joined a “happy” group in L.A. recently, but I found the leader to be not so happy and rather obviously sexist. Eek. That’s another story, men who are not happy specifically for women being happy and successful. A lot of these posts are about the bitchy friend-girls, but I have had my share of bitchy boyfriends, too. So if there are any out there who might like to start a group of men & women who are happy for both men and women to be happy, hit me back. ;)

  20. The tone of this post reminds me distinctly of an ex-friend of mine. Before I stopped talking to her, she had told me of a few friends she had lost here and there, or friends she would have fights with, and her excuse was always that they were jealous of her. In one instance, I knew the woman she was having the fight with, and I can assure you that woman was not jealous, nor had any reason to be. This ex-friend seemed incapable of acknowledging other people might be just as happy as her. In my case, she would often greet me by asking “what’s wrong?”, and regularly treat me as though I *should* be jealous of her. In the end, I was too insulted to want to be friends with her anymore. I understand it is possible to have trouble making friends when you are successful and happy, and that some people out there are genuinely jealous people, but there are also instances where people preemptively ruin a friendship by assuming the people around them are jealous. I know I’m playing the devil’s advocate, but it is important to think about what you say and why you say it, and make sure you are not trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously feeling like you are better than them.

  21. If you talk in person the way you talk online (’We have soooo much money! I’m sooooo nice! My life is sooooo perfect!’) it’s no wonder people get tired of you.

  22. in my case,the frenemy is a person I had cut off in the past,because her jealousy of me was getting downright psychotic,with her showing up at my jobs and copying my clothes/mannerisms and stalking me,she also will stalk guys you date and its always an “accident” when she bumps into him. She also visits psychics in hopes they will tell her about the “suffering” others will go through,and revels in this. She really thinks this is funny,not realizing how sad she really is. I no longer tell her personal info because it will either make her mad if its good news,or happy if its not. I even question if we are friends at all. It seems like we are twenty percent out of a hundred,with us only writing to each other out of boredom and sharing a history of being friends in jr high/high school. I feel that I have outgrown her mentally,and get sick of her weird spying on people and hoping they suffer in life. Shes not ugly,shesvery attractive but still wishes she could look like me which is weird because Im kind of chubby

  23. Hi everyone I have just read all the posts and they have given me a tremendous sense of relief as I also have a friend who I am now pretty much convinced is jealous of me, this woman manipulated two, 7 yr old boys one of which is my nephew to be rude and abusive towards me, this was yesturday and I have been hurt and thinking about why she would do something so nasty all nite. The problem is since doing a diploma I know that I have changed alot, that isnt to say I didnt have this happen to me befour it is just amplified even more now, It is a scary thing to cut of longstanding frienships and basically be on my own but I think the time in nigh, the worst thing for me is how drained I feel after a jealous attack, it cant be healthy to absorb someone elses negativity on a regular basic,

  24. I have the same problem. A jealous person is a dangerous person, they may work to distroy your job or relationships. I have some good luck by limiting the amount of information you give to these people about the good things in your life, and make sure you tell them stories about struggles that you have, In short let them know you also are having troubles in life, they will be less hate jealous of you.

    Good luck

  25. I just so happened to stumble across this site and am happy I did. So many of you have gone through situations of friends being jealous of you that I am reading all of these entries and crying!! (Tears of happiness, of knowing I am not alone!!) My friend of over 10 years always tries to put me down, she constantly brags, talks about herself, and tries to make me jealous. I am a listener, never show off or brag, and care about others more than I care about myself. For the past few months, I have been so convinced that I was the one with the problem, but I have slowly begun to realize that she is jealous of me!! I am shocked by this, but am learning that she is not happy with herself and is a very insecure person. I have done nothing wrong and it is not me. The lesson here is that you have to care about *you* first and then everyone else. I feel bad because I spent so much time obsessing over her and trying to figure out how to help her that I ignored my own needs. But this is a learning lesson and I’m building up my confidence and (trying) to not let her comments get to me so much.

  26. Wow I feel duplicated by everyone. I could write a book on the stories
    of the many friends who lost control of their inner green monster towards me. some of those stoies ..in my lifes journey…are mind boggling. I love people, I love to help, nurture, heal, listen, and feel for them. Ive been told Im a sanguine. Yes many have done more than taken advantage of me. It is very unfortunate that the bulk of these friends are from church (go figure) and the most damage to my spirit & emotions was done by the leader of the pack… the pastor. Yes he was extremely jealous of my husband & I. He controled & manipulated everything in our lives (we thought we were doing unto God) (little did we know) long story short we were spiritually abused for many years.Today he still reigns and many are still under his control & insecurities. Those who see the truth and leave are never the same but are greatful to be out. Its been 8 years and I have to say money cant buy a lesson like that. since then Ive had a friend for 7yrs that was my daughters teacher & school director. She was great with the kids. I knew (my friend) had a rough childhood but I wasnt afraid to love her through any bumps that might come up. after a few bumps here & there, her goose was cooked when I realized she attempted to sabotage my daughters career, not just once but twice!
    You will know when the green monster strikes, it gives you this uneasy feeling in your gut. Its the feeling I used to get when I was almost deathly affraid, you know the kind of fear you get in your belly as a child. Your heart rate even goes up to boot! it feels like an evil presence, like witchcrafty spellish stuff, stirrs up your emotions, leaves you with an air of confusion… yeah thats the green monster
    jealosy! Yes its ulgy, nasty,and can be devistating, dont we all know. It comes from its realitive ‘fear’ and lives with emotion. I believe its from hell. But we all have been given a measure of it. I would say we at least know how to handle our own emotions and put the green monster to bed permanetly because we are generally happy for others sucesses. I really can only speak for myself but I get excited/touched to see happiness, sucess & dreams fufilled in others lives! and If I could be of any help to get them to the top, Im there for them. So getting back to what jealousy has done, it has opened up my eyes a lot wider and my ears are clearer around people. Trust has been shaken but not shattered. I refuse to let those insecure people effect me negitively. I do pray for them and forgive them. Im moving on. Its a new Day, many people too meet & love in my journey.
    bye - bye green monster you are under my feet!
    Blessings to all of You!

  27. I too have had the problem of not ‘fitting in with the girls’ as far back as I can remember in school. I was never a groupie type of girl, more tomboyish and never had the need to follow. Looking back I was awkward with all the girlie things ie hair, clothes makeup etc none of those things were important to me. We didnt have the money to buy the ‘in’ clothes. but I always seemed to be within arms reach of the ‘in’ crowd. I always kept a distance from people. I was always nice but never confided much never had those ‘intimate friendship’ with the other girls, and I was not invited to have those friendships. I was the one on the fringes …. my choice?? their choice??? I believe i am nice considerate to others but am confident of myself, I enjoy my own company, I am funny I am pretty and thin I can do about anything or figure it out I am a project type person etc. I believe these traits are the same ones that may attract ‘friends’ but soon push them away. I have been told several times thru the years ‘you always land on my feet, don’t you’ and they dont seem to be really happy for me for all my accomplishments–the ones they may be aware of. I dont brag, it is very rare that I do tell people things, I am now 50 and I find women at work are still ‘turning on me’ after only a few months. they are impressed at my skills, knowledge, intellegence etc but then verbally attack me within months. eventhough I may understand that it is not all my doing to upset these women and that I may not have any friends, my feelings are hurt and I am lonely. telling people to just be yourself etc etc doesnt change the fact that ‘we’ are still having our feelings hurt and are lonely and many times blaming ourselves. One of the things that I doing is limiting any time with people who treat me badly. Or removing them from my life completely. hoping for a friend is better then being mistreated by a ‘friend’. my two cents

  28. I can totally relate & agree 100 per cent!

    Thanks for sharing your experiance & wisdom.

    Wishing You & All who shared A Great Day & Life in who You are.

    Thank You for being so uniquely You.

    The world is a better place because of true good hearted people that care and not let being a victim of someones insecurities ruin who you are.

    Using wisdom & good judgement to move forward in your life.

    Kudos & Hats off to you Morgan!

  29. People use the term “jealous” to loosely.
    To want happiness (semblance of a cohesive life) when a friend has all of that (and your own life is in shambles) is not “coveting their lives.”
    I think “jealousy” is for lack of a better word.
    I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.
    That doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an unhappy one.

  30. Morgan:

    I totally get it. It also seems from a young age, I’ve had problems with jealous girls and women through the years. They are so angry at a woman who is competent and has confidence.
    People are going to be jealous no matter what. I think many of them even see being nice as a weakness. I am so puzzled by all the pettiness I see in people. I don’t feel the need to belittle or cut other people down because of good things happening in their lives. There is such a bitter root that sits in so many women. Just angry at where they are in their lives. I often wonder if true friendship is a myth or do people just fake friendship so they have someone to call a “friend”? Write back when you have time. Thanks.

    Plantperson

  31. True friendship is not a myth. It is a matter of the heart.
    sadly there are many people who are very self centered
    and in denial about themselves.
    Being self centered is not only toxic to everyone around you but is
    toxic to yourself.
    Self centered people have the slightest idea on how to rid themselves of the toxins that are within their heart nor do most of them care.
    Selfless people are much more trustworthy friends.To be sure, you have to look at their lives on how they treat their families & friends and even new people they encounter.
    This can take time however as any relationship does. In most healthy relationships there needs to be a balance of love & trust in a true friendship. So many of us are attracted by certian bonds that we share like things we can relate to, but in time ones true self will be exposed so be wize & kind.
    There are many levels of friends in our lives but the closest ones to our hearts are truely those of good character, those that are selfless.
    As all flawed as we are, we need to just love & forgive and pray for those who need our prayers the most.

  32. Morgan:
    Friendship is not a myth, but many people don’t seem to share the same ideals of what friendship should be. That’s where I’ve run into problems.
    The comment from June 5th from “C” was startling:
    “I myself find that it is too difficult to bother with people who have it all together (good job, happy family, good relationships (romantic, etc) when my own life is practically falling off a cliff.”

    At a point where “C” should be turning to that friend for support and guidance because she’s falling off of that cliff, she “can’t be bothered”. Seeing that a friend has it together, and is stable, should be a beacon for “C” to gravitate towards, to give anchor to her instable situation. That is what friends are for. But people like “C” can’t be bothered. This is how my toxic friends react to me. This is how a toxic friend thinks. If they can’t get something from you, or if they have to give something to you (like reciprocating friendship) they give up and can’t be bothered, because their life is about THEM, not about YOU.

    They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them.

    Anne is right; how they treat their family is a good indicator of how they’ll treat you. And, sure, you can pray for them, but don’t feel bad about separating yourself from these people. You can feel bad for someone without having to sacrifice yourself to try and fix this toxic jealous person. They do NOT want to be fixed! Their life IS being toxic and jealous! If they were selfless and nice, their world as they know it would implode! Pray from a safe distance!! :-)

  33. I was glad to read this as well since I have been going through precisely the same thing. (Two of my only long-term female friends both died last year and it’s been such a lonely time.)

    I am a lot like the original poster in terms of the fact that I had a difficult childhood and a question occurs to me: You say your house was broken and underprivileged? May I ask if there was love in it?
    The reason I ask is that lately I wonder if my pattern of attracting jealous friends is due to the fact that I had a jealous mother who was very abusive, mean and undermining.

    Sometimes, I do feel that my behaviors inspire jealousy and that I am contributing to the problem.

    For instance, I have a tendency to underplay my abilities for a long time and then all of a sudden, after I’ve spent months building someone up, I demand that pats on the back are reciprocated.

    I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous.

    I am not suggesting I am better than anyone. Jeez! I can almost hear Mom’s voice saying, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I am explaining that I purposely put myself in a position where I might target jealousy - almost as if to “relive” that pattern. I believe also, that deep feelings of inferiority and a fear of excelling past my mom have made it hard for me to be in more demanding occupations and even in relationships with better men. I know that I feel inadequate.

    The long and short of it is - Original poster: do you think you are attracting the wrong friends in the first place by playing small and/or overlooking bad behaviors? Do you think that you might trace this back to some of your childhood experiences? Just food for thought.

    To the rest of ya’s: thanks for letting me pour it all out here! :)

  34. Mattie Thank you for sharing. That was very insightful and Im sure we can all relate in some capacity from our childhood.
    Your comment was certianly food for thought!

  35. I have a ‘friend’ who I feel I am losing and I’m kinda grieving over what seems to be a friendship I’m losing. She can be VERY passive-aggressive and that makes me feel unsafe around her although she can also be incredibly nice and we have a lot in common.

    I met up with her one evening, along with my husband at a gathering. She was the only person there that my hubbie and I already knew. My hubbie and I started talking to a few people around us and got chatting. She came up and it was nice to see her but I was feeling unwell that day and felt increasingly tired.

    The swine flu had been scaring some people and I had just come back from a work-related trip to a country that doesn’t have as good hygiene as the country I live in. I knew this ‘friend’ was jealous of me as I have had a number of really good things happen in my life in the last year (although had some awful struggles too) but I could almost not believe what she said!

    She knew I wasn’t feeling well and we joked about the swine flu and then she commented about a particularly virulent strain she’d heard of in the country I’d just come back from - don’t know where she heard that from because I never heard of it on the news, in the papers and to this day, I haven’t heard of it either!! In fact swine flu has been worse here than in that country.

    This might sound like I’m overthinking this but if you were there, you’d know, it really was like she was wanting me to be suffering from ‘that’ particularly bad strain of swine flu!!

    And I honestly felt like she had almost spat that comment out right in my face. I was shocked that she wanted something that bad for me and also the way she was communicating it! I knew she was jealous but thatbad?? I often think of what I want to say after the event but this time, I decided, ‘I’m going to say something,’ so I remarked that the country I’d returned from hadn’t had many cases, only one or two isolated ones…which was mild when someone’s basically wished swine flu on you but again I was surprised!

    Instead of backing up her argument like she’d read it in Time magazine or something, her face just dropped…!! Why would someone’s face drop over hearing something so matter-of-fact as that! If I’d heard that swine flu was affecting people particularly badly in a country and someone disputed that, I’d not just back down on something I knew was a fact. It was like she was trying it on and then saw she couldn’t get away with it.

    My goodness! That really showed her real feelings…later that evening, the lucky draw took place and there was just the one prize of a bottle of wine. I couldn’t believe it - I won!! I thought she might have left by that time because she had said earlier on that she was leaving. But I found out she was still there. After the jealousy she had shown earlier in the evening, I was concerned winning the prize wasn’t going to help matters but I was also kinda glad she could see good things were going to continue happening to me, whether she could be happy for me or not!

    She later invited me to a couple of events via Facebook and I would normally thank her and say whether I was going or not. This time, I completely ignored them - they weren’t just invitations to me, they were to a few of her friends, me included and I notice people don’t always feel they have to reply to such invites, so it wasn’t that impolite. Then I bumped in to her one evening, by chance.

    She was on her phone and although I didn’t want to and felt fake for doing it, I squeezed her shoulder and said ‘hi’, then turned in the direction I was already going, then turned back to be polite and then made an obvious point of turning around again and going on my way.

    I thought that she’d have thought I was rude but she was talking on the phone and didn’t choose to interrupt the conversation to quickly say hello to me or to say we’d catch up later. I wanted to show her that I was confident enough in myself and didn’t really need her to stop and talk to me or anything…if she wasn’t going to treat me right, I could do without her! Truth is deep down I was upset at the true colours she’d shown.

    She’s always making comments on FB, 9 times out of 10 anyway, about how life is going well for her and she sounds happy and like lots of good things are happening for her so why be so unhappy for me!! She knows about some of the awful struggles I’ve had in my life, and just how long I had to wait BEFORE things turned out well for me. I am only just starting to really reap the sorts of blessings that most of my friends have enjoyed for ages!! I feel like it’s my time and I’m going to enjoy it!

    Normally I’d hear something from her after a chance meeting like the one we had but I heard nothing. Not staying true to myself, I messaged her and made a comment about her new apartment, about which she’d posted pictures on FB and about bumping in to each other but surprise, surprise, NO answer! I guess I just don’t want to lose her but I’m really wondering whether I should bother!

  36. Hi Anne - I am glad you appreciated the post. As I read some of the other stories here, I am inclined to think that another problem may be that our culture doesn’t really encourage women to speak positively about their own accomplishments and attributes. Recently, I was reading a favorite advice column and I realized that whenever a female letter writer described herself as “attractive” or intelligent, that there was an overload of comments calling her conceited and obnoxious. Many commenters - both men and women - insinuated that other people’s dislike of the advice seeker was her fault. In other words, “play yourself down and then people will like you.”

    Two things occur - yes, some women do brag to overcompensate for feelings of insecurity. And when women brag - particularly about the reactions men have to them - they reveal an unfortunate cultural bias: “the attention of men is an all-important cultural indicator of acceptance and goodness.”

    Those of us who are mothers have a golden opportunity to educate our daughters to have self-respect that comes from within and outside of the male gaze. We can also teach our boys that it’s important for a woman to feel good about herself and her accomplishments and that self-love in a female does not make her conceited or a “bitch.”

  37. Mattie-
    I’m smart, but…you are so articulate and well-spoken! Are you an author? An attorney? A psychologist? I, for one, am proud and happy to know other women who are intelligent, talented, strong, etc… A man pointed out to me many years ago that women will never get anywhere until they start banding together. Every other group of people sticks, stands up or fights together- though to be fair, women are set up to work against each other in our society by society and men, (and other women). That said, I have also been shocked in my life by boyfriends being jealous of my happiness or accomplishments. When one of my boyfriends had a success or accolade, I felt proud of him. When I accomplished something, the bf’s were often more spiteful than the women in my life.
    I’ll be waiting for your book to come out, Mattie.
    P.S. I still think all of us happy, well-meaning people should form a group!

  38. I have to say I just so love this thread!! I started tonight looking up stuff on stealing because I was trying to figure out what is up with this girl who has stolen my wallet & (really cool) mug while at school. She will dress like me and makes comments about my sons in reference to wanting children. We go to grad school together- I am middle aged, divorced, rebuilding my life, changing careers, poor while doing this person- She is in her twenties with her whole life before her, beautiful, doing something she’s chosen and if she wanted to get married & have kids then she could do that!? Very strange. It dawned on me that perhaps she is jealous- Then I have to ask why? Why are all these peole jealous? I had one other incident with a neighbor that was similar. Often people will dress like me or “copy” my decorating ideas and if they are secure they acknowledge it- I’m usually excited for them- I frequently feel that for some reason people are intimidated by me or are jealous & do not think I should be or want me to be happy. I saw this with my divorce- like I should just give up (because they would?) I have had great friendships with people who are as secure as I am, but around anyone else- and definitely insecure men forget it. I too had all the stay at home mom negativity, when i was at home & when I worked I had a boss finally burst out one day ” You always seem to know what you want and some of us don’t” - Just because I’m “strong” & I know what I want and what I like doesn’t mean I don’t need people or friends- I do not think I have a great life by any means, but I do the best I can with what I have, stay positive, keep going forward, enjoy what I like, compliment others- no malice–I’m not unhappy- I define me, my value and worth are not based in my looks, accomplishments or anything in particular necessarily- I just go along doing the best I can, no arrogance and try to be kind-Why all the grief? We could call it the “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” and happy group

  39. Wow - Rocy! You really made my day! Thank you so much!!

    I am a writer but have not published any books – yet! I do want to write a book and it’s been a lifetime goal. (Just finishing up a long, dragged out Masters’ Degree at the moment.) I have a bit of formal background in psychology but mainly, I’ve learned from reading on my own.

    You bring up a really good point about jealousy not being limited to women. Rocy, do you think you might be attracted to men who need you to be “less than?” Sometimes the clues are really subtle. You might find, for instance, that you are attracted to “diamonds in the rough” or men who are achievers but who only gauge their success based on societal pointers – traditional markers like earnings, height, looks, etc..

    The poster above, Julie, mentions that people get frustrated with her because she knows what she wants. I think that that situation sort of illustrates my point. It’s that strength within the self that ticks people off, since most people are looking outside for validation. The thing is, if you are self-accepting, you always have enough love left over to give to others. “The universe has plenty of room for billions of stars.”

    I’m certainly not suggesting that any person is immune to wanting outside acceptance. In fact, I think that some of us “jealousy targets” may be playing different sides of the same coin.

    In an earlier post, I asked the OP if she grew up in a house where there was love, since I truly believe that those of us who were pushed down by our own parents are more likely to attract people who want to keep us in our places. Rocy, I am not sure if you share a similar family legacy but I would venture to say that perhaps somewhere early on, you were more encouraged to be a supporter rather than a person who should shine in her own right. (I think a lot of people are conditioned this way – not just women.)

    From early on, we get the message that validation comes from acts we perform for others. (I personally learned that I would only get love by staying small and feeding my mom’s black hole of an ego. In my own case, I transferred that to my relationships for years, always feeling uncomfortable if I expressed happiness or a satisfaction with my work, etc.)

    While those who are jealous believe that the world withholds its love because they are “less than,” we “jealousy targets” might just believe that the world will withhold love if we are “more than” or worse – just ourselves.

    Why would a person attract someone who makes her feel bad about her success if she didn’t want to deter herself from success in some way? Perhaps to some of us, the consequences of success are too dire – a loss of that primary acceptance.

    In the meantime, nothing makes me feel worse than caving in and being fake to accommodate someone else’s insecurities, because on some level I know that I am still not fully accepting myself.

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned not to take the jealousy too personally. Sometimes I see that person as a little kid who really feels slighted, left out and less than. And then I can relate as well to being the kid who is proud – “look at my pretty drawing!” in one moment, and reduced to pain in the next when she receives an indifferent or unkind response.

    I am not religious, but when I feel I’ve been targeted unfairly, I’ll sometimes just sit down and pray or meditate. I ask (God, Higher Self, Universe) to keep me on track. Am I being truthful to myself? Am I trying not to hurt others while not compromising myself? It’s not a matter of ego to me but a matter of accepting my true self – a relationship that I frankly have to work on every day.

    Sometimes, it’s really, really lonely – and that is something I am picking up from many of the posts. I do think it would be good to start some kind of group! I’ll be the first to post my email. If anyone wants to contact me, I’d love to connect. In the meantime, let’s keep this post going. I think all of your stories are fascinating! ciaomattea@yahoo.com

  40. Mattie-
    I am so glad I made your day!
    My thoughts on “attracting” jealous friends: I’m all about taking responsibility for who we attract into our lives, but in this case I think it’s more a case of naivete. What I mean is, the people who are jealous of you or me are jealous of lots of people. It’s not personal. This is their problem. You and I are just naive about recognizing it or thinking it is so rare because we are not that way. Now the jealous guy thing-I think that is possibly more of a societal gender issue-guys wanting the woman under his thumb or not outshining him. But the women who were jealous of me-yes, I probably had certain characteristics that they envied, but if I looked closely, they were snipey and jealous of lots of people. With the healing or correcting I’ve done from my childhood-yes, I came from an un-loving home, and a slightly jealous mother, but it was the much older, domineering sister who ran the whole family who was toxically jealous, competitive, thieving of my ideas, qualities, etc., and yes, I’ve had a lot of those women in my life and thought it was something wrong with me that my own friends didn’t want me to be happy, but now I think it was a mistake to take it personally which led to the mistake of putting up with it. What I am doing now is identifying it sooner and speaking up about it (in other words, don’t “play” naive). Speaking up sometimes ends the relationship, but not always-(also, people rarely admit to their jealous behavior). Is that maybe where the real dishonesty on our part is?- that we are afraid if we speak up the relationship will be over? Is that where the real self love needs to come in-why are we tip-toeing around to preserve a friendship with someone who is spiteful, and if you can’t speak your true feelings to the person, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway. Sounds more like a hostage situation! Oh, the jealous sister would go nuclear ballistic if anyone ever spoke up to her, so yes, I was trained to NOT speak up. So that speaks to the manipulation techniques of the jealous person. Also, I had a dad who hated women and was threatened by them…agghh. But my main life-lesson has been about just that-speaking up for myself, quickly, thouroughly, directly, honestly. I’ve been working on it for years, and am making progress :)

  41. Rocy,
    Thank You for your words of wisdom. It was very insightful & helpfull
    to share your experiance.
    I have found that when I spoke up to the friend that was jealous
    they would be defensive & in denial.
    But your absolutely right, what the heck kind of friendship is it anyway?
    Its just not a healthy balence for life period. So get healthy and weed out or fade out friends that are toxic to your well being.
    If they are not willing to admit the truth, take a good look within and make a step to change, it certianly makes sense to move on with out that friendship.
    Best of Luck to You & Everyone

  42. All really good points- Why put up with it?? I always thought being kind and building the person up about their success was “nicer” than pointing out jealousy/rudeness- but nicer doesn’t make the point and they are still jealous- it is their problem. I am reading a book that discusses authority and dependency- according to this guy good authority figures are responsible for the quality of the relationship with those they have authority over- it is their responsibility to “handle” things. Bad authority figures blame those in a depepndent position and cause the dependents to feel responsible for the quality of the relationship– if the dependents would only “do”this or that things would be better, so dependents work and work for acceptance when all along it is the good authoirty’s responsibility to support and maintain the relationship with unconditional love- the dependent is only supposed to choose to cooperate– so maybe what is happening is we are all just coming up with our own ways of dealing with bad authority- some of us provide our own self support while expecting to be mistreated and “blamed” in some way- whiel other jealous people keep trying to “steal” the spotlight so that bad authority (parents, teachers, bosses, ect.) will notice them. Just a thought.

  43. Hi Julie,
    Thank you for sharing, you have some interesting points.
    I have been friends with some of these jealous people for many years and have been more than kind & building them up, but you know there comes a time when you wake up and say enough. Its time to examine what is true friendship is and is not. Understanably everyones situation is different and I realize people are in your life for a reason so that you both can hopefully grow, but I dont see a healthy balance of growing in a any toxic relationship. Believe me I wish them well & pray for them but they know I have set up my boundries either in our comunications or lack of anymore. Hey and I have run into one or two of them years later with a loving hug & how are you but I keep my distance as far as how it used to be. So you can stil love someone from a distance but you dont have to like them or what they do.

  44. Great comments!
    I love how this thread has evolved from us venting our hurts over these situations to how to deal with situations in a proactive, positive, healthy way. A perfect model for healing-vent then do.
    Julie-please post the name of the “authority/dpendency” book you are reading. It perfectly fits a situation in my life right now! My neice, the authority, is blaming her 8 yr old boy for being verbally abusive, and blaming her 16 yr old son for feeling he is so worthless he tried to commit suicide last week, when duh, they both learned abuse and worthlessness from her.
    And yes, Anne and Julie, I agree, that sort of childhood situation sets us up to forever chase after approval from those who will NEVER give us approval!!! Here is to all of us freeing ourselves from that impossible quest. I approve of myself!

  45. Wow, everyone is here today. Rocy, thanks for your reply. I would have to agree with you on the naive part - but only halfway in my case. I think I do attract these types and they are there for reasons which relate to my own self-sabotage. Regardless of the reasons or childhood issues, however - you are dead on to say that it all comes down to learning to speak up.

    On the naive part - yes, it has kicked me in the backside and recently too. I made a new friend, it was fun, we had a great time and lots of great conversations - but the first time we were in the company of a heterosexual man, she became a python! I did not see it coming and it really sent me reeling, which is how I ended up on this website. I felt extremely betrayed and yes, guilty because I thought I caused it. (Maybe I should have worn a burlap sack to the event? Ha ha.)

    Question: Has anyone here ever felt that her girlfriends were relying on her in the same way a person should rely on a lover? This even happens with females I know who have mates. It’s almost as if they expect their girlfriends to pick up the emotional slack that their boyfriends cannot. By the way, ladies, I am no spring chicken, so I am not talking about college girls. I think that these sorts of investments always get too heavy and often end up playing themselves out in subtle games of competition.

    I will say that in my case, that I am making very few female friends as I get older and that saddens me. (As I mentioned earlier, my two best pals both passed away last year - they were both fabulous, smart and funny women.) In this last year, my best sources of support have been men - my brother, my ex boyfriend and a co-worker from years ago.

    I agree with Anne that maybe jealousy is just too tough for most people to admit to. I’ve tried to gently confront friends but it’s never turned out prettily. Jealousy doesn’t make a person a horrible monster, but human. If your friend could say, “Hey, it makes me feel really crappy when….” and just be out with it, then perhaps the power behind it would dissipate.

  46. I also don’t think it works out well when you confront jealousy or envy with someone…no one seems to really want to admit to it. Few, very few friendships seem to be able to take such a conversation which seems to leave some feeling like they don’t have manny really good friendships afterall…but maybe expecting others to be more secure when they’re not, just doesn’t work.

    I know someone who was very needy and I tried very hard to be there for her, build her up, guide her in the right direction. Just last Saturday she came back from a trip, called me up saying she really missed me, (kept saying it) and saying she wanted to meet and chat for a long time…I could hear in her voice, there was some agenda in the wanting to chat for a LONG time…

    Well, I can tell you most of that conversation was about how she’s so happy in her life now and wants to be really good to herself, (not new story but she’s just more in to it now,) and what her plans are to really fly! I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she was eyeballing me like I really want you to know this.

    I listened and she talked about the best friend she was on this trip with, competing with her over looks and men and how the ‘best friend’ said that she needed this ‘friend’ of mine when out clubbing, because she was like her leaf to the flower that she was! So I understood my ‘friend’s’ hurt and I advised her that her ‘best friend’ was competing with her, which she admitted to. So much for a best friend!

    Well, same thing she was doing with me which I addressed by using this example of her ‘best friend’ and saying I thought this sort of thing was immature, a little bit is human and comes from people when they feel insecure or having a bad day but when there’s a pattern of it, (like with her,) I get bored of it!!

    She got the message and admitted she was competitive but tries not to be and how I made her feel better for addressing the issue and shoring her up, (again!) when it comes to handling this ‘best friend’ of hers…so perhaps in this situation addressing envy had some positive result but the thing is I feel deep-down, she does have a very good side to her but I think she’s just too insecure and competitive to not want to rub in my face, all her future accomplishments. I think SHE needs it and she’d be this way with anyone who she perceives to have it better than her.

    I also despair of finding many real female friends too…I’ve only just started having it better in life and I know many friends have genuinely shared in my joy but it’s like they can’t handle it for long…I know so well what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence and heck, my life has some big problems in it still, if only they knew…I shared with my friend the principle of a scarcity mentality or an abundance mentality…I hope that will make a difference.

    Can I ask a question? How many of you have tried addressing the envy or jealousy issue with a ‘friend’ and found the exchange has been less-than-positive? Seriously, if you’ve been on the envying side, haven’t you found that the woman you admire has just gloated or acted smug (while saying all the right things!) And if you’ve been on the envied side, haven’t you found the other woman would rather have lost a limb than owned up to it? How many female friendships do you think are genuine and how many just an unspoken, quiet little competition going on all the time? So much drama…the innocence of childhood appeals, it really does…

  47. Thanks for sharing EW.

    Im sure you all know that we women are emotional by nature, some are more so than others. Usually women see the details and men see the headlines.
    Childhood, enviorement, genes, diet, additude, hormones and more contribute to the emotional instability women deal with. this emotional instability causes the reaction we call ‘Drama’.
    We as women need to learn how to control our emotional issues.
    Our temopary emotional issues can sometimes cross over into some of our passions which can either be great if you are an artist (on one hand) or be a horrible mess if you lose control over a subject that upsets you. If you already have a mental illness issue on top of this jeez good luck!
    Jealousy is an additude that displays itself through emotion. When your able to look at the big picture and then look within yourself, you will see just how ulgy jealousy is. Why would anyone want to own it? Is it because they feel its a part of them and its their right to express? but yet when most are confronted, they have some denial excuse to hide the ulgy thing.
    I really try to put myself in others shoes to understand them but I feel some women need to step outside their own shoes and take a good look and want to be a better person without competition or envy.
    I mean is it really that hard for most? I mean when I ever had an an issue to deal with being jealous of anyone, I would think about it and realize, hey are you feeling jealous? then I would say to myself how stupid is that ? If Im happy in my own shoes why cant I be happy for the person? Someone is always going to have more than you and more than that person and more than the next. Its just so petty, such a waste of time & energy.
    And if jealousy is not properly delt with it turns into bitterness and eventually can cause physical illness & disease. Why on earth would anyone want to hold onto jealousy? Yulk! Why cant people just love & appreciate eachother no matter what they have?

  48. Thank you everyone for your stories. I’ve felt so hopeless lately with my “friends”. All through high school, my group of “best friends” would constantly put me down, and I never understood it. I’m not conceded, but I know I’ve been a good friend to them all - I’m a good listener, I’m caring and compassionate. It’s boggled my mind for years why people were never nice back!

    I mean…I guess it’s jealousy. I even hate to say people are jealous of me - it feels weird. Bleh. I just don’t see what there is be jealous about! I mean, like everyone else that posted, I am outgoing, successful, and a happy person. But I don’t understand why that would make people WANT to be mean!

    I’m a junior in college now, and I dread coming home to see these same high school “friends”. They still bring up high school situations to make me feel like **** - they call me fat, thunder thighs, comment on my clothes, make fun of things in the past that really, really hurt me. Sometimes they don’t even acknowledge me. I’ll say something trying to lighten the mood (because they are angry and irritable around me), and they just look at me and roll their eyes. WHY???

    I’m so happy when I’m at college. I have goals, I have fun, and most importantly, I finally met people that are NICE to me and that actually CARE about me. It just really made me see how nasty these “old friends” truly are. I have finally started standing up for myself, and I’m cutting out the people that have put me down so much over the last 6 years of my life.

    But now I’m so lonely. I stay home every night, and I can tell I’m slowly getting depressed again like I was in high school. I know I’m better than this, and I deserve to be treated better! I don’t want them to know they have gotten to me because it only makes them happier.

    Why do people have to be so hateful? How can hurting someone else make them feel so good? I just don’t get it…

  49. A woman was so jealous of me that she tried to hurt me. She ’s always told me that she was jealous of me because everyone likes me and that I was strong and she wished to be like me. I’ve always dismissed her comments as being funny. Then, one day, she did the unthinkable. All of my life, I continued to encounter people who are jealous and envious of me and want to be like me. I now pick my friends very carefully. Be careful of jealous people in your life. They can hurt you and they will. Jealousy is the worst kind of emotions and can push the wrong person to violent behaviours.

  50. ~ In jealousy there is more of self-love than love. ~

    ~ A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. ~

    ~ Jealous people poison their own banquet and then eat it ~

    ~ Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer. ~

  51. I totally agree with you. I have never been jealous of anyone in my entire life and I don’t even know what it feel like to be jealous. In fact, whenever someone accomplishes something good, I find myself so happy for them that I can’t even contend myself.

  52. This is so true, am having to deal with the same problems everyday, am from a broken home with no love or affection been shown, so as a result I always been a loner, as years goes by I figure that it would change but how wrong I was. Am hardworking,independent,ambitious and also have a clear sense of direction as to where am going. I am from a poor family background so I decided not to live a poor life, so I take my life in my own hand with the help of God and He blesses me with things I never even dreamed of.

    My friends are from a better background and have privilages that I could only hope for but yet they do nothing with their lives. I try talking to them and encourages them but it falls on deaf ears, all they are doing is sitting back and trying to run my race in life, each time they made an accomplishment am happy for them, I get myself a job never buy expensive clothes because I neede a house so I have to save for that, now that I acheive it they are all acting funny, although some of them I refuse from telling.

    I bought my self a new car and didn’t tell them, so they are upset with me, the reason I didn’t let them know because I know their reaction, am so proud of my acheivements because I did it all on my own without any help from absolutely no one apart from Gods help, so for now I take my own time and prunning them out of my life. When am going out I get in my car a go out all on my own.

    Even one of my sister stop talking to me because of what I acheived, I never put it in anybody’s face because am not that sort of person, I take great pleasure in seeing people acheive things in life, not to mention in difficult circumstances, Why cant they be happy for me? Any one needs help or need someone to talk to they can come to me at any given times, I also take pleasure in imparting good advise and encouragement to people who needs it.

    One thing am happy for and is that am a very strong person who love and care for others but I also learn to be my own friend and get on with life and do my thing irrespective of the critisisms that am getting. Am sorry to say but I do not have any true friends, and another thing that I learn in life is that, PEOPLE THAT HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE IN LIFE ARE THE ONES YOU SHOULD BE VERY CAREFUL OF.

    When any of my friends or even people that are not close to me accomplish any thing, am one of the most happiest person in the world, I felt like its me who has made the accomplishment, even when am going through my own problems I still find time to listen and give my advise, and that’s who I am, that’s my nature. And I also beleive that when you sow good seed the the Lord will blees you abundantly. I still have hopes of finding a true genuine and loyal friend, somone who will watch my back as I watches their.

  53. I think you all have valid points and I am glad to see that some of my thoughts about jealous people in my life are mentioned here. I cannot understand jealous behavior. I have always wanted to be around people who are happy, successful and contented whatever their goals. I have never turned away any of my friends when they have needed support. Now I have improved my life and career successfully after a great deal of hardship and my friends have turned on me as if I no longer belong. Were they just feeling sorry for me all those years or are they jealous of my accomplishments? I cannot decide.

  54. Thanks for your posts, they are all insightful. I have been struggling with similar situations for a long time. My friends criticisms and complaints have made me feel haughty, egotistical, self-righteous, and self-absorbed for as long as I can remember. Maybe I have some of these defects, but not much more than the average person. I am a pretty good person with good intentions most of the time.
    I dont like to complain to my friends that I think so and so is jealous of me because it makes me feel like Im coming off as a conceited person who is a bit delusional and has to make up jealousy explanations to explain why things dont go my way. The problem is is that I feel a lot of jealousy towards me in my life, not just from friends, but from co-workers, teachers and TA’s, family as well.

    I dont mean to sound boasting, but Im a very intelligent, educated, good looking person, and am studying for a respectable career. Things are going particularly well in my life right now. I feel very lonely at this point in my life and I think I try to overcompensate sometimes by displaying my qualities. I do not want to have to downplay myself as it took years of trudging through very low self esteem and self neglect to get to a point where I wanted to respect myself enough to “display” my qualities. I seem to end up trying to lower myself to gain acceptance and end up not fully respecting myself in the process. My choice of women are those that are unstable and broken who think Im god one minute then think Im scum the next and are usually “pushed” away by my insecurities. Yes, its a freakin mess. But I am trying to respect myself now and create better boundaries with people. As soon as I created a boundary with my close friend, he has become very accusing and angry with me. It is a painful loss because I am closer to my friends than I am my family. Right now I feel that I am on the verge of really learning to respect myself, but I am losing acceptance from people I care about in my life.

  55. Reading some other peoples experiences that they have with friends and how jealous they are, makes me wonder how shallow and low these people can get. Years ago I remember I had a co-worker we use to be very good friends and then out of the blue she started acting funny but I could not understand why and how this change comes about. It’s quite obivious that I started to examine myself and asking questions.

    It carried on for sometimes but in the end she packed in the job, she didn’t say she was leaving, so I carried on working, after a couple years she wrote me a letter, I went and visited her, she was in a very bad state at the time but I was just happy to see her, knowing me, I did not ask her why I just forgive her and put the past behind me. But before I left she said to me that she have something to say to me, and she told me that there is something about me that she is jealous of.

    I ask her what it is and she just say she cannot put her finger on it but she wish she have what I have. But I still could not understand how she arrive at that because we get the same salary and we were all going through hardships and she was even in a better position than I am, she has support from her family, which I did not have. In other words I was as poor as a pauper just bearly managing.

    As years goes by I still experience the same thing, am sure am not sick in the head but what I realise is that when you are a strong person and you are focus,upbeat, positive, helpful,cheerful, happy outgoing and stands out from the rest and make good choices in life, thats when jealous friends creeps in.

    My advise to all these positive and genuine people on this site, is not take on any faults sense of responsibilites by trying to come down to these jealous people level, do not afraid to say NO to them, don’t let them pull your down, these people are not good for you lot, they are toxic chemicals that will poision you slowly but suerly as you inhale their negative secretion, jealous people are a nausiane to soceity. The moment you realise that something is not good for you, just get rid of then once and for all, it’s better to be alone that to be unhappy around these rodents. Let us start to embrace our own friendship and get in the habit of doing things on own own, we don’t need people to validate our success. What these rodent don’t relaise is that we genuine people rely on our INTERNAL FORCES, while they rely on thier EXTERNAL FORCES and thats what stes us apart, we are on toalty different wave length,God bless you all.

  56. Hey there!
    I basically could tell you my life has always been like that and it ain’t changing any sooner… even though I’m roughly 19 years old. People just aren’t mature enough, they do not know that whatever you give is what you get back, so if they are jealous of you it’s more than OBVIOUS that they’re so not happy with their own lame life that they wanna ruin yours, or at least, make you feel what they feel because they don’t have the happiness you have, and since they can’t have it (because they don’t do any improvement on their life) they just hate you because you have it, it’s pathetic.
    The way I see it, people will always talk about you and be jealous of you so you might as well give them something to talk and be jealous about.
    If they had a life, they so would not be looking and criticising yours right? I know this is selfish, and believe me it’s been hell of a process dealing with all these people!
    But you gotta remember, you always come first, before anyone, you must be happy so then you can make others happy, because no one gives what he doesn’t have.
    Hope I helped :)

  57. Hi Temoc,
    Thank You for sharing! For a 19 year old your are pretty sharp!
    Remember that when you go through the trials of life they will shape you into who you are. They can make you or break you but you make that choice. Best To You!

  58. I am also happy to have found this website. I have been struggling to let go of an old friend for about two years now. We are both 30, we went to the same college, live in the same city, and both have little boys mine is 3-years old and hers is 2-years old. Being that we are college friends a lot of our socializing is going out for drinks at bars or clubs. She has had a it hard after her son. The father has never meet the child and she suffered from post partum.I tried to be there for her when ever she needed me. I listened to her suffering andI baby-sat her son when ever she asked me to since I am a stay at home mother. She lives with her mother and son in an apartment and seems to be doing well.
    I recently bought a new car, got engaged then found out I was preganat all in the same month. Everyone was so excited for me, except for this friend. My finance and our son travel often. We go to beaches and leave the country at least twice a year. He does well for himself and I stay at home with our son and work part-tim in the evenings and weekends after he gets home. I work out a lot, spend a lot of mommy time with our son.
    I only have 2-3 friends that I communicate with, I am not a bragger for most of them live out of town and have no clue of my lifestyle or what I have. And I don’t think what I have is much to brag about. I do talk about how much I love my son, how happy I am in my relationship and life. But I love to hear about my friends lives even more, although I am blessed to be at home, mine is sort of boring when I’m not on vacation or at work.
    Well things has taken a turn for the worst between my friend and I. Its seems like during every conversaton we have I have to defend myself against her. I told her that we were going to wait until after the baby to get married and may do a destination wedding, she belted, “who is going to pay for all that? Do you really think people will pay to go to your wedding? Who has money for that?” I told her that we were saving for a new home because of the baby and we would put the wedding off for a while which would give those instrested in attending time to save. She then said, “who is going to pay for your new house, your man? He pays for everything don’t he? What do you pay for?” I felt like I was being attacked by every postive thing I told her about my life.
    The final straw was facebook. Everyone on facebooks broadcast there ups, down, boast, and make jokes. Well I mentioned how flattered I was that I have been told that I look to be in my mid twenties when I am 30-years old. This friend posted that “Please get over yourself”, ” you seem to love to feel yourself”. Then made her own post saying
    how” people forget where they came from, they may need to share beds, borrow clothes or become a fat housewife.” I am not sure if this was directed at me but I am pretty sure.
    Why am I still holding on to her as a friend, I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t have that many we have been friends 10-years now and I just don’t want to cut her off I guess. Now that I am doing well and in a good space in life she says I think I am better then everyone and forgeting where I come from. I don’t get. I am nothing but nice to her and will do anything for her.
    Before anyone comments, I am not the sweet and innocent little housewife. I speak my mind, don’t put up with much BS and I am very sarcastic. This being said, I am still a good friend and find I let this person walk all over me. I feel like I have to put on a suit of armour just to take her calls.
    I think we are pretty much done. I guess I will begin to phase her out.

  59. To Charlene- Those people (friends) couldnt relate to you with your sucessful change because it meant they would have to challenge themselves to be better than You. Their insecurities got the best of them and you became a mirror to them on how they are not where they want to be. You would think a mature person would be happy for your example and say to themselves wow she inspires me to do better for myself too! Isnt a healthy friedship suposed to be suportive with encouragement? Have you tried confrontation?( There is a great chance of denial & that you are imagining they are this way) so that would mean if these friends dont wake up , get real and humble with themselves after you have tryed, I would fade them out and be around people who inspire you & encourage you.
    The world is full of toxins we dont need people in our lives that cause us to feel bad about choosing to have a better life.
    You can take this experiance as a compliment to yourself as you grow & learn from it. It will make you more aware of your choices in friends and help shape you into a better person for someone you can inspire & encourage. Congratulations on Your Sucessful steps and wishing You the Best! Anne

  60. last nite i went out with my friends whom i’ve known for 20 years. i’m engaged and they are miserable about all the men who have cheated on them, a few of them are divorced. they kept saying things like all men are this and that and how marriage doesn’t always last, etc. — it was so obvious they were directing their comments toward me. they didn’t congratulate me or ask to see the ring. it was awful. i’m horribly hurt. one of them is one of my bridesmaids. i’m ready to tell her that i dont’ want her in it — if men are so terrible why is she being in a bridal party? blah, i feel like crap. i agree with everyone here, that miserable people don’t like it when you have changed for the better and just hate hanging with happy people. after the wedding next year i am going to be ditching these toxic people and making new friends. no you are not alone. last nite i read a psychologist’s comment: “true peers are those who function on the same level.” we need to be surrounded by people who are on the same level we are. if we are happy and don’t try to bring other people down, then we need to be around people who are similar. god am i depressed right now — these girls are like family to me yet they’re not happy for me. it sucks. so i understand where you’re coming from. :(

  61. Mary, start doing something special for yourself that you always wanted to try. Keep your head up, life can throw a curve ball sometimes but you have it in you to be a survivor so stay strong throgh the sudden change of weather. This season will come into a new one and a new day will begin. You know that you are feeling a sense of mourning twards your friends on top of your hurt and the weight of it is heavy. Find a healthy way to ease your mind of all this. something that is good for you not a bandaid like drinking your sorrows away, but choosing a healthier mind set above it all. dont allow any negitive thoughts consume your mind (not easy I know) but just try your best, you deserve the best and I hope maybe some one of your friends will make a change someday, but if not, I hope you have some wonderful new friends who will encourage your life. Just wish the best for your old friends and move on. I feel for you, but you know you have the rest of your life ahead of you and this bump in the road will be a faded memory someday. Im not saying it wont be sad when thought of, but your life will be filled with much more healthier choices to make your life a much better one. Congratulations! &Best Wishes! Anne

  62. OMG im so glad I found all of you. I need to summarize my “friend” and the years of crap I have taken from her. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. I have a less than perfect past, and yes she was there the months/years that I was a real mess. Things that I’m not proud of. HOWEVER, I have pulled myself up, I have two degrees, I have an awesome job, and I have a wonderful husband that adores me. I’m attractive and smart. For years though i’ve been at the receiving end of her snooty comments about me, she loves to embarrasses me in front of others and bring up the past to new acquaintances. She belittles my ideas, and my thoughts on things. She makes underhanded comments like: “im sorry but at a certain age long hair just looks ridiculous” guess what i have long hair. “big boobs are just gross” guess what i have big boobs (like I can help it) and she makes sure to tell me how much her husband doesn’t like women with big boobs. She also is in constant search of friends and picks at them terribly and talks about them constantly. She’s rude and thinks it’s ok to be downright mean to others - because, hey, she’s just being honest. She is the type that is NEVER wrong and will bombard you with email after email of ‘proof’ she’s right from quick searches on the internet. She has confrontations with her own family members, her in laws, her husband’s friends and their spouses, but it’s NEVER her fault. She really went overboard a few weeks ago with me; it was a simple subject that she turned into a sarcastic laced series of jabs at me and my family. Then followed up with “im just sayin”……she knew she went to far (although would die before admitting that) and she knew I was hurt and angry. So instead of apologizing, she’s ignored me. She spews her hate on me then doesn’t have the guts to apologize? If I thought for one minute something I said may have hurt her I would be beside myself and calling to apologize. Has anyone ever had someone like this in their lives? Does she hate me? Is she just so miserable of a person that she doesn’t care?

  63. Hi Cassie-
    Since I found this thread back in March during a break-up with 2 of my old girlfriends, I have really gotten over the whole jealous friend thing just by hearing other peoples stories and realizing it really isn’t just me-some people are just like that, and not only that, it is really common!
    Obviously, your friend is jealous of you and you said yourself she treats everyone that way-so it’s not about you, it’s about her and her insecurities.
    BTW, after breaking up with those 2 “friends” in March, my life has gotten even better by not having them drag me down-and since I’m no longer taking any of this personally or being naive about a lot of people having insecurity issues, I seem to be making much better choices around new acquaintances and having better boundaries and not getting involved with the negativity (and being more assertive from the beginning). Thanks to everyone for their honesty on this thread. You have a right to be happy, and if they want to be miserable let them-they have that right, too.
    P.S. before I broke up with my friends I said everything I wanted to say. Even if they deny it all, I know they’ve heard the same complaints from other people, too, because they didn’t just treat me that way, and it was good to get it off my chest.

  64. Cassie… Time to move onto a new season in your life.
    Out with the old in with the new. Get Healthy & Be Happy.
    Your Change has brought about change now keep a toxic free life by leaving your friend in the past. Best Wishes

  65. Hi Everyone,
    I have faced the same problems before and its happening right now again. I am presently doing my final assignment for my University Course and all my friends in the group is no longer speaing with me. I have never failed any of my course. In fact, the course is part online and part at UWIDEC centre and just recently during the process of doing my thesis ,my house was broen into and my computers (2) were stolen with all of my work.After this happened all my so called friends in the group have not been speaking to me again. Added to this, they keep sending abusive emails which i opened once and which I no longer open but delete. I have beeen praying to my God and I now he will deliver me. I still was able to send my work for the thesis and I would like to tell you God was in control. I really do not have any friends except my husband and family and I am always wondering why my women friends get jealous of me .They always show it out plainly to me. I believe if I dont eep out of their way they will definitely destroy me. I am hurting.

  66. Diana - you are not alone. Im going to assume Im older than you being your in college, but none the less…….you MUST keep moving forward with your college and career. You cannot let them break you. You have much better things waiting for you in the future. I am a sucessful woman with a great job in a great company. I work with a lot of men and I gotta tell you, that makes my life sooo much easier. Everything happens for a reason, you may not know what that reason is now but your are destine for better things. I don’t have any friends except my husband and family as well. But Im happy. Im cutting out a friend of 20 years litteraly as we ’speak’. As a woman who has been in the workforce for a large company for over 11 years, my advice to you is to remain friendly to co-workers (women) but be careful being friends with them. Also - my husband and I hang out with other couples who are 5-10 years older than us (im 37) they are much eaiser to be around. You will get through this and you will be stronger and your going to do good things!!!!!! Hang in there and don’t let them consume another minute of your life. (Now I have to take my own advice here too!!) My situation is similar in ways and while im not loosing sleep over it, Im pissed off (sorry) that she has taken up so much of my time with her antics and that I let this happen. Keep moving forward, you have school and family to worry about and those are much more important than jealous backstabbing women. Good Luck!

  67. Hi Cassie, the question I would like to ask you is why do you put up with that little rodent you call friends for 20 years ? I believe when we try to be nice to people they take the ( PISS) at times. If your so-call friends are not there to support you in any shape or form, you take my foolish advise delete their numbers and all contact details.

    You need to start a fresh, and the beauty about it is that the moment you get rid of these toxic people you immediately feel the burden just rolls off your shoulder, these jealous friends are a pain in the ass and they are a heavy burden to carry. Are you willing to carry on living your life under bondage and going around with a false sense of responsibility ? The point am getting at is you are not happy with their behaviour but still you are keeping friends and contact with them( that’s what I meant of false sense of responsibility).

    Take a leaf out of my book, if my friends are not happy for me then am sorry am ready to cut you out of my life with immediate effect, comes what may, even if we know each other from birth, I will put up with anything else from people, but when it comes to jealousy that’s where the line is drawn, a jealous person have one motive and that motive is to destroy your life and everyone that you are associated with, they wants to wipe you clean.

    A jealous person tends to minimise you just in order to maximize and equalize themselves, they are a poisonous, toxic, selfish, selfcentered, parasite, unhappy little rodents, they are a nusianse to society, do not take these people for granted or under estimate them they will go to the last mile to destory your family, friends, your job and also other close to you. BE WARN !!!!!!!!!!

  68. Thanks Monica. To answer your question…….i really don’t know why im friends with her. One thing and your all going to think i’m crazy ……im sort of afraid of the backlash. She’s done some heinous things to people in the past. What really makes me so po’d about this is SHE hurt MY feelings, she knows this ….yet is unable to apologize or even speak to me!!!!!!!!!!!! Like Im the bad guy here. Also – there is a get together in a few weeks that she and several others will be at and im not sure I want/should go…..it will be extremely awkward……yet, part of me thinks I should go and be cordial and let her know im not sulking over her…….any thoughts?

  69. I dont know about you Cassie, but I would pass on that get together, I mean what are ya’ll getting together about? Just get together with friends who are healthy for you, make a date yourself with them and count out your rodent friend. I just wouldnt say anything about your rodent friend you wouldnt want to get back to her to anyone. Control your tounge. I had to rid a so called friend I knew for 24 years I met her from church. As loving as she seemed she always talked about everyone and sometimes used the excuse we should pray for them or dont say anything, or Im just tired and rambling. I always knew this about her but you know to be a christian you got to be merciful and give grace because no one is perfect but it turns out after I have helped her she got jealous of me & people from her church said she was making some accusations about me. So the strange thing about her is she has faded in and out of so many peoples lives and then one day walks back in as if nothing ever happened. She recently had a jealous outburst in a public parking lot accusing me of speaking negitive about myself for attention because she does it herself and that makes her an expert at it and that she also has this (get this) gift of ‘exposing people’ what a crock! I could barely get a word in edgewize when she decided to talk out loud about my personal life (family) then says I wouldnt blame you if you didnt talk to me after this….. Um Ya Think??? its been since May and I am so done with her wack ways. She has since sent me numerous e-mails of random christian things with underlying messages, one of the messages was how friends are so important to a happy life…. aaah yeah ok try ”healthy friends”. Come on we need to stop being so friggen sentimental about some of these people! Yes at one or more times they may have had a significant place in our lives but seasons change to bring forth NEW LIFE so lets embrace some NEW LIFE!

  70. a bit off-topic….

    notice how… .you’re all women…. with the same problems

    notice how your husbands/boyfriends do not have the same issues

    just… find it… kind of funny

  71. I can T-totally relate! I had a friend from years ago that jealousy on her part ruined our friendship. It was a learning experience. We do keep in touch on Myspace but it has hindered what photos I will post because I just know that…some how she would be jealous. So I was always very careful of who I became friends with. I have a friend of 11 years who had always been there for me and I the same. Just recently we were on an yearly girls weekend, and out of know where she “jokingly” told me she was going to knock me off my high-horse! I was not bragging are even saying anything that would warrant such a comment. My husband and I have just bought a new house and she was right there being really cool and supportive. I did find out that weekend that she was upset because a mutual friend of ours referred a Realtor to me that our mutual friend knew for years. The Realtor knew my friend in question but was not close to her. Thank God! He was awesome! About two weeks after we moved in our place, our Realtor gave his friend that referred us to him, money! A pretty nice referral fee. My friend in question wanted to know where her cut of that money was???? She did not refer the Realtor nor is she close with him. I had no idea that he was going to give our other friend a referral fee. Now my friend in question is very short and off handed with me. Again….here I go! Pushing 40 and can not seem to keep friends that don’t have stupid jealousy issues and/or an false since of entitlement! Wondering?? I grew up around tons of boys and really did not interact and become friends with girls until my early teens. I truly do not feel jealousy toward my friends. I came from a broken and struggling home. I am not a privileged person and I have never bragged or any such as to my acomplishments but I seem to keep having the same problems with friends. It hurts when you find out that your so called friends can’t be happy for you but you are the first to celebrate with them!

  72. Uh, “Lord-Santa”-
    Like men are not jealous and competetive? Give me a break! And some of the first posters on here are men ARE men. The difference is, men often expect relationships to be games of competition, so they aren’t on here venting hurt. Women, on the other hand, tend to expect relationships to be supportive partnerships, and when they aren’t, it hurts and we want to figure out what happened and why. The fact that you are on here trying to make it a competition between men and women proves my point.
    P.S. I’ve had at least 2 boyfriends who were very jealous and non-supportive of my accomplishments. Jeez, just look how men have re-written history to completely discount accomplishments made by women. This is a problem of insecurity and immaturity, NOT gender.

  73. Hi AK, when it comes on to christianity I am on the front page so I am well aware of these so call christian that goes around quoting scriptures from the Holy bible but yet they forget in Psalms it stated to be very careful of the people you even walk with into the house of God, your own flesh will fail you so you dear not trust your own.

    Am sorry but a lot of them are in the church, some make even praying that you lose your job, your friends and family, so be careful of these people and their prayer group. They need to get their heart purge out frist before they mention about praying with clean hearted people.

  74. Cassie, for God sake forget about backlass, we all have done things in our life that we may regret, so what ? you wont be the first or the last, forget about this nonsense party why do you have to subject yourself to these hideous situation ? forget their social gathering this is how you phase them out by cutting off little.

    Does this person paying your bills for you ? or does this person holds the key to your life? or does this person hold your sucess and destiny in their hand? If the answer is yes then you have major issues to deal with, and if the answer is no, then tell them to PISS OFF.False friends are like autumn leaves youfind them everywhere you go but a true friend is rear and hard to find. Thank God am one of them.LOL.

  75. To further update this thread,
    I just got an email from an ACTUAL friend (of 22 years) who had spoken to my former toxic friend about me. It has been over a year now since the phase-out begun, so we only see each other at mutual friend functions now. No phone calls, no email or texts. Here is a particular exerpt:

    “So I just don’t know. I feel like I got slapped in the face. Of all the real and imagined slights that I ever did to her…of all the things I did inadvertently… of all the things that I had to make sure I didn’t say…didn’t do…didn’t be…is it worth it in the end?”

    Of all the things she did to me, now that I did this to her, is it worth it in the end? Seriously? I couldn’t believe I was reading this! YET, this is EXACTLY how she’s always been!! “Imagined slights?” Please note the inference that I must’ve been off my rocker, dreaming up ’slights’ because I was such a terrible friend to her…See how it’s about her, and how I wronged her? Toxic goes on to say…

    “I’m really not sure if I want to reconnect. I don’t think I want to be buddy-buddy with her again, but I hate the fact that there’s so much animosity and coldness in the air. I just don’t know what to talk to her about anymore, I feel as if I always have to be careful of what I say, to make sure I don’t offend…She always bitched at me to “be who I want to be, say what I want to say”, yet… if I did…ha! ”

    When she came crying to me that she wanted to abandon her hubby and baby and literally run away, I told her to stand up and be her and say what she needed to say, do, etc…that her hubby would still love her and they could make it work. That was me ‘bitching’ at her. Why do you think there’s so much coldness in the air? Because I gave and gave and she took and took and I can’t take it anymore. And see how it’s all MY fault?!??!!?! But she can’t even tell my other friend what she really thinks…please note the laugh. “Yet…if I did…” Ooh, it would probably be like hitting the red button to launch the nuke. It would probably burn my eyebrows off or something. Yeah, there’s NO way I could handle that…

    This is a petty thread, I know, but I just wanted to show everyone how all her crying that she missed me and wanted to restart our friendship bull from a year ago has now degenerated into this. She never did care, and she’s only mad that she doesn’t get the attention out of me that she used to. It just shows me that I did the right thing and that I deserved to enjoy the past year as I have done. It was worth it. Nothing would have changed if I had stayed. For all she professed to me out of deep love of friendship of 15 some odd years, this is all that’s left.
    And now I know she never really was my friend. Sad, but true.

  76. I had actually meant to write this to YL and then saw that the subject of backlash came up in subsequent posts. Here is the thing - we may worry about cutting these people out of our lives because imagine the heinous things they are going to say about us. (I know I have felt that weird pit in my stomach from thinking such a thing.) But the reality is - or probably is - they are already saying sh*t anyway! Maybe you just need to say, “Okay, so and so is saying really bad things about me and maybe there are even some people who believe her.” Just say it over and over again calmly until you can be at peace with that anxiety. And then, cut the toxic person out. It’s the only way.

    And Lord_Santa, men are very competitive and bitchy with oneanother, although I do think that they are less so than women. (Or maybe they express it less? Honestly, I am hesitant to make any blanket statements on gender differences.) If women express envy and competitiveness more often, I don’t think it has anything to do with their inherent nature, but the powerlessness of women in our society. True, things have changed greatly , but I still know a lot of women who think they are nothing without a man’s attention or love. Powerlessness is what breeds envy. If you are confident that you are capable of achieving what you want on your own, then you are less likely to suffer from envy. If you somehow think the gifts or talents or beauty or love whatever it is, reside outside of your own power, then you are more likely to be envious. That’s just my own theory on it.

  77. Is that Mattie being eloquent again? Here, here to above post, however I don’t necessarily think men do express their jealousy less…to men or women. If anything, just because of the prejudice in our society that says women are the more bitchy, I think the men are much more comfortable with their put downs to each other and women. Think about some of your exes (or currents). Did they make insecure, snipey comments about attractive or successful men? Did they get insecure about your talents and successes? I’ve had both of those experiences in spades. And, on top of it, men play women against each other. Men accidentally on purpose get caught eyeing other women in social situations or in other ways tweek their GF’s or wives into feeling insecure about other women. We women are so much easier to control when we are insecure. And unfortunately, women are pretty easy targets if a guy wants to make her feel insecure about other women. The media makes sure of that. In fact, maybe the media makes fools out of all of us by creating this competitive, shallow society where people measure themselves by others instead of by their own true desires.

  78. Hey Rocy, you sweetiepie! Yes, that was me. And I agree with your “however.” In fact, I spent yesterday trying to think of the ways in which men express envy. Since I have never been in a men’s bathroom, I couldn’t come up with concrete examples. (Ha ha. Don’t tell me that men don’t check each other out while standing at the U. )

    Seriously, I think that men may expresss their envy in ways that aren’t very apparent to me. Maybe I just have a sort of blind spot here. I assure you that if I do, it isn’t because I am cutting men any particular slack - it’s just the way it is.

    Have you ever had the experience of having a totally passive-aggressive female subtly giving you the business at a dinner party while the men at the table didn’t even notice? I’ve had that situation and have explained the thing to my male companion while he’s just looked at me with complete mystification. (And I don’t date dumb guys.) It’s the oddest thing. I wonder sometimes if the same thing is going on with men - subtle cues between them.

    I will say that I work in a male-dominated field and that it wasn’t until the second year that I was in my job that certain male colleagues started to confide in me with regard to their rivalries. I started to learn a ton of stuff about all the men in my department and their politicking, etc. It was very interesting to me that I hadn’t picked up on some of it earlier. (Granted, I rarely work on site - but typically, I am much more in tune to verbal cues - say, on a conference call or something.)

  79. Hi, I came across this site after doing a search in Google on “when a friend wants to be like you”. Where do I begin? Jealously…ugh it’s been annoying me lately as I’ve been noticing the comments and toxicity of certain people in my life and of course you ask why are they in your life, how did they get there and what is their problem?

    Case 1: I know a person who for me is more of an acquaintance and I’ve kept her there at that distance as she only calls me when she is need of a chauffeur usually starting the message with “Do you want to go out for coffee…oh and I have to return a book, go do errands, go to this store, etc.”

    Recently I graduated with a master’s degree in education. This acquaintance never offered me congrats on this accomplishment but had sent me an email for a teaching job that she applied for-mind you she doesn’t have the background, degree or qualifications-and had to gall to ask if it didn’t pan out for her and they were looking for “more qualifications”, if she could forward my name and number to the hiring person. This annoyed me, basically my hard work in obtaining a master’s degree is no big deal really and she can do what I can do! Of course unbeknownst to her I had applied to the same place.

    And then I made a mistake in inviting her to my birthday party where she kept asking everyone how do they know me, where did they meet me, etc. etc. My friends were appalled and uncomfortable as they told me later on.

    It’s really late now but there’s more. I have my struggles in life but I don’t covet what other people have. I don’t have the energy to sit around comparing myself to other people all day. I like people who are positive and appreciate me instead of constantly putting down in whatever I do accomplish as if it’s nothing, has no value or merit or just starts flipping out and saying, “how did you get that job or how did you buy that?”

  80. Well, Anna, to be blunt, that one sounds like a candidate for the dumper. Easier said than done for sure.

  81. Carrie wrote “They feed off of niceness, and when niceness is required of them, as is normal to reciprocate in any normal, adult relationship…they are unable to do so, because that makes the situation about someone other than them”

    That is totally my cousin Carrie. Thank you so much! I am learning so much from you and everyone else on this site! xxx

  82. Mattie wrote “I also think that I ride a very narrow line between self-sabotage (never achieving as much as I could) and having these moments where I am very forthright about my abilities. I often end up in situations that are safe but which put me in the position of outsider: ie. I take jobs that I am over-qualified and over-educated for, and then when it comes out that I have a more-distinguished background than my co-workers, I find myself being alienated when some people get jealous”.

    Wow Mattie that is me to a T! I haven’t worked in a couple of years due to being bullied and your post has given me some real insight into why it has happened and how I can avoid it. Thank you! xx

  83. Rocy wrote “nuclear ballistic”

    LOL!! Love it!! =D xxx

  84. Hi Mattie,
    Thanks for your comments. Since my post I have not spoken to my old friend. She still has a place in my heart for old times sake. We did have good times in college and soon after. I stopped my remote on an episode of Housewives of Atlanta and said to myself “all the lies,backstabbing, rudeness, and outrageous behavior these women display could be my life if I continued my friendship with the woman. She was hurting my feelings and I was becoming defensive, cynical, and sarcastic. I wasn’t being myself when I spoke to her, I was turning into the stuck-up, snooty person that she wanted me to be when I spoke with her just to give her more to be jealous of. This is not me. I am a modest person, I do not brag or bost but I knew any little amount of my happines drove her crazy so I would push her buttons just to see how hateful she could be and to sharpen of my defensive skills.
    Needless to say, I was giving this woman to much power and energy over my life. I am preganant and planning a wedding so this will be my main focus for now on. Hopefully this will be the first and last friend I will lose to jealousy.

  85. WooHoo! Victory Made Today! by A Super Model ! (Success again)

    On Todays News!

    A Jealous friend who disguised herself with a anonymous internet blog name tried to de-fame this Super Model more than a few times.

    The Super Model contacted Google, they took the blog down but wouldn’t reveal the identity of the blogger. So the Super Model contacted her Lawyer and sued Google! Google then revealed the perpetrators e-mail to which the Super Model knew and then called & confronted & forgave the girl but is pursuing legal action against her (defamation of character).

    Whoo Hoo!! Yea! Victory!!!!! Shame on The Jealous Insecure!!!!!!! Grow Up Already!!!!!

  86. Hi Confused Woman - I am glad my post was helpful to you! I hope it helps you on your way to more fulfilling work!

  87. YL - you are welcome, and I have to thank you as well. What you’ve said in your post describes the same situation that I am in. I actually came here because I am having an issue with a friend that I probably just need to let go of and of course, it’s hard. The thing that really bothers me is that I cannot be natural around her anymore. It’s just so weird to me – aside from all the drama and weirdness of it, I do not understand why people continue to do it. It’s like – you both know you don’t like each other anymore and yet you go on. It’s like eating fast food to me – no offense to any fast foodies, but for me, it isn’t “real” food. As it is, I’m so often forced to be fake at work and I find it totally exhausting.

    So why do it? Guilt? What would happen if we just said, “Hey you know the vibe is not there anymore….” Really, the problem is that doesn’t feel right - I feel that at some point, she just turned into a different person and pulled her claws out. Truly, I feel hurt and angry and that it’s not my fault.

  88. I am in the same boat as all of you.

    I feel really hurt because I try hard never to talk about my successes too much.

    I never show off, but my friends read about things in the newspaper and then they start bitching about me or do something nasty.

    I believe you guys are right when you say that ”we” have changed and it is time to move on and find NEW friends.

    That does not mean finding friends with better jobs or better looks, that means finding positive and very CONFIDENT friends who are really happy with what their lives are about.

  89. I have experienced this very same thing since the beginning of my college years. Up until then, I didn’t realize I had anything going on in my life that was worth people being jealous about. That is until certain “friends” began to behave in a jealous way towards me. I am very ambitious and have accomplished a lot and am “pretty” in the eyes of other people. Jealousy is a perverse form of admiration. They secretly admire you, but their insecurities and unhappiness won’t allow them to respond to your success, victories and blessings in a normal, healthy way. One problem is this: many people see the fruit of your labor that got you where you are, but they never realize the struggles you went through to get there.

    And for us who are Christians, what a shame that people are jealous of one another. They fail to realize that we have the same Heavenly Father and He is no respecter or persons! People want what you have, but they are not willing to go through what you have gone through to obtain it. I realize that God sends certain people in your life for a reason. Sometimes it is to show the people who are jealous of you what is actually in them so that they will come to realize that they even have a problem that requires God’s help to overcome.

    I realize that my life is blessed. Not perfect, I might add. And I have learned that when you want to simply share your personal victories and blessings (not bragging) that you have in your life, not everyone around you is a candidate with whom to share that information. They just can’t handle it for whatever reasons. I have learned to love people from a distance. Even Jesus Christ didn’t associate Himself with everyone! He knew when to be around people, and when to draw away to Himself. He had a close inner circle, and Judas betrayed Him (b/c of greed, not jealousy, though). I recommend that all of us who have suffered at the hand of the ugliness of jealousy and envy take heed to what I have gleaned from experience so as to save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain.

  90. i am always troubled by other girls being jealous of me. mind you, i am not gorgeous, smart or talented. however, i always feels that girls, especially the pretty ones always attack me. they like to make sublte remarks about me behind my back and make me feel bad about muself. this really bothers me, and even keeps me up an nite. why are they so mean? cant they just leave me alone? i am condident about myself but i never impose my confidence on anayone and never put people down. is there something i can do to avoid this jealousy? or maybe i’m doing something wrong?

  91. Amy,
    Its obvious you have something they lack, so keep your head up & keep walking out your journey…. they are not worth losing sleep over!
    They have nothing better to do than to push your buttons and be entertained by your reaction….. They need to get a life!
    We can do the best we can to avoid toxic people, but when we have to live with them, go to school with them, work with them & so on, we just have to find courage within ourselves to do what is best.
    Talk to someone that can give you professional advice on how to deal with it best for your situation.
    Best-Anne

  92. I am approaching 60, but look & feel 40′ish - outsiders give me mad compliments!
    Most of my adult life I thought I was the problem - I would try harder when people treated me sh***y. Unbeknown to me (until I got into therapy for 2 years) I didn’t know any other treatment. I have been treated this way from early childhood (no exaggeration) my mother and two sisters were extremely jealous of my relationship with my father (he & I were BFFs and my mom never knew her dad) and the fact that I looked different then they did certainly did not help matters (Blond, blue eyed with high cheekbones - funny thing is I was always a tomboy - no interest in makeup/dressup/boys until late teens). I have stories that people think I’ve fabricated because what my mother & sisters did to me was so WACKed out! Well at this point in life I’ve just about healed the wounds, but refuse to let females close enough to inflict more damage - it really seems to be never-ending. My motto now is “don’t take it out on me - go talk to your mother & father if you don’t like the way you look/turned out/whatever you’re unhappy about.
    I thank GOD everyday that I don’t suffer from jealousy, and I pray daily to keep from becoming bitter & unforgiving - I forgive pain inflicting females from a healthy distance!

  93. Hi Mattie,

    You made an interesting point. Why can’t we just be real and say, “The vibe isn’t there anymore”. I think that as women we try to be polite and just grin and bare it. I know that if this woman disrepects me again by using the happiness and succes in my life to start a “hate” monolouge towards me then I will most likey tell her to just keep it moving. I know the thing that bother’s her the most about me is that I have changed. I don’t go out much, I have new friends of different races, I travel often and I am more involved in my family then with any of my old friends. I don’t call them or see them much. So when I talk to my old friends they all notice a difference and vice versa. This one friend seems to be the only one whom has a serious problem with me. The strangest thing Mattie is that after all her mean facebook post and comments she invited me to celebrate her birthday for Labor Day weekend. I turned her down nicely by letting her know that although I would love to go “bar hopping” with her for her 31st bday my family and I were taking yet another vacation in Florida that weekend….I couldn’t help myself. lmao

  94. I’m glad I found this site, I can relate to “Amy” especially. I have come to the realization that so many people were never my “friends” Only liked me when I was fatter. I lost weight and look out!! People felt free to make comments about some of my lumps getting smaller. At Work!!! Made me very self conscious and I kept losing more weight. So I quit that job because of the toxicity and comments. Now I can’t find a decent job to save my life!!! Sometimes I wonder if when I go to interviews the older, frumpy lady interviewing can’t see beyond my appearence. Mind you I consider myself “so-so” But am told I am pretty. If people really knew how unconfident and self depricating I am, they may not be jealous. I’m still gonna take care of myself regardless of others. I say they should try to get on the same bandwagon and shower, dye their hair, exercise, try enjoying sex more, eat healthier, quit being so miserable and quit trying to decipher me and my life. I quess I don’t have to worry anyone because I am home alone with no friends or coworkers. They can feel better knowing I am now isolated in my house where no one can see me. I feel so bad about myself and have no confidence anymore. I’ve considered suicide. I feel so alone in this world…..I’ve even considered taking a knife to my face. I can’t help what god gave me ya know? People just don’t realize how they can affect someone and their livlihood……nor do they care!! I have been seriously mentally affected and it hurts so bad. I am so alone with no friends. I’ve learned that I can only lean on my husband and little girl. I feel they are the only ones who love me unconditionally. Anyone out there feel this bad?

  95. Deanie,
    Everyone goes through feeling down and sometimes stress & hormones can drive you to your lowest. but dont mentally paint yourself in a corner or live your life that way, you have So much to live for! dont let the insecure bullies make you feel less than. If you read all the stories here you will see that jealousy is just a part of life that we all have to deal with but we all want Better! so do you!
    So find some one professional to talk to so you wont feel self destructive about yourself. Its hard to trust but we all cant stop it all together or we will be all alone. Know that God loves you and he will never leave you or forsake you. Hope You Feel Better soon! :) Anne anniezheart41@aol

  96. well hey maybe you should be friends with women who are also targets of jealousy. b/c i totally hear you on this. i hate that my friends are jealous. actually the envy in and of itself doesn’t bother me. everyone feels envy at times. it’s when some people act out the envy with hostility that results when the person is that insecure. i get jealous too sometimes but i don’t try to sabotage people or anything like that. if i were you i might try to find women who are happy and who struggle with the same experience as you as far as people being jealous. it’s not hard to find, all you have to do is find successful happy women. chances are if they are truly successful and happy, someone has been jealous of them. for me, i just got engaged and you can imagine with jealous friends to begin with what i’m going thru. so what i’m trying to do is be around people who are in healthy relationships/marriages and have been thru what i’ve been thru in terms of the jealousy from others. it feels so much better. keep away from the jealous ones, they’re toxic. you don’t deserve that. but there are women out there who are not like this, believe me. just have to keep looking.

  97. Hey everyone, this is a great website. I have has some of the same issues, since I am a natural saver and was able to buy a house sooner than a lot of people in their mid 20s and I got married earlier. I have found the solution to jealous friends for me anyways. Most of my current friends are not 15-20 years older than me. I have found that people this much older than me actually have a lot more in common with me than those my age. I am now 28 and my best friends are in their early to mid 40’s. It may seem strange but since most people my age are still going to clubs and partying and I have never really been into that, they get jealous of the new house, the new car, the new dog that I have. It’s hard because people my age don’t know that I don’t spend money on all the things they do such as going out to eat all the time, going on spring break vacation and going out to clubs and drinking. Instead I spend my money on our house and family. I have found that older friends really are at the same mindset as me. Most of my older friends don’t have kids either just like me so their lives haven’t really changed the way lives do when you have kids. Maybe looking at people who are in a similar life situation rather than age situation as you will help. It’s definitely helped me.
    On a side note, last year I met a friend that I work with that around my age, she is 30. She got very jealous when she found out we have a house and she still rents but it was okay. Our relationship really took a turn for the worst when I told her that my husband and I finally decided on a timeline to have kids. He wants them as soon as possible and I wanted to wait. We decided on having them in 2 years. When I told her this information she was visibly upset and go very quiet. She has always said she wanted to be married at 22 and kids at 25 and she thinks she is too old now. She has never even been on a date. Can our relationship be salvaged or are our lives just too different? Any advice is appreciated.

  98. The devil uses jealousy as one of main weapons to put us down. We are people with Godly qualities ( check to see this is so with yourself) so he cant stand this about us because if given a chance we can bring others to love the Lord and cause a big change in the world. Away wit him I say so presently anyone who I catch being jealous of me , i get rid of them out of my life completely.

  99. To update the saga that will not stop—
    It has been almost 2 yrs since I have phased ‘Toxic’ out of my life. The mutual friend, I have kept. (mistake)
    Last week, Mutual sat me down in a restaurant to tell me she doesn’t trust me. She is not judgmental, and does not gossip about me. Then she proceeded for 3hrs to discuss all the gossip she shares with ‘Toxic’ about ME. And, after knowing how insane ‘Toxic’ was being to me, Mutual decided to believe her lies anyway and now she doesn’t trust ME. One of my friends “looked” at Mutual in a mean way, so she judged that I had told this person lies about her to turn that person against her. But remember! She’s not judgmental.

    Jealousy is like cancer that spreads throughout the body. Now, I have to start phasing Mutual out of my life the same as I did to ‘Toxic’. There is no cure! If she would rather believe the words and actions of other people rather than the words and actions of ME, there’s no way a friendship can survive that! How do I defend my reputation because someone ‘looked’ at her in a mean way? It’s insane!

    Mutual wrapped up the 3hr flogging by saying she wants to salvage what’s left of our friendship. That I should take some time and think over what she said. What is there left to say? She loves the lies of ‘Toxic’ instead of my truth. I can’t compete with that, and I refuse to tell better lies than ‘Toxic’ to win back her attention. We are not children, and I did not grow up thinking I had to play games like this!

  100. I am feeling very lonely too and its all because of jealously. Most of my women friends get jealous of me and as someone mention earlier on I am not very attractive but I am a very versatile person.Recently, I graduated from university with honors and i can tell you it was not easy for me. In the last semester, the ladies in my group was so cruel to me that I felt like vanishing.Added to this they started sending strange messages through my email to get me down and guess what.. they are still lagging behind even though they did all in their power to keep me down.I am now about to pursue masters degree and I don’t really have time for these people. I’d say we have something that they do not have and this should not be our problem. “If mangoes were not on the tree , nobody would stone the tree” Think about this today my friends !!!!!!!!!!

  101. I know exactly what you are talking about. My best friend and I are very close, and whenever she has an accomplishment or a success I congratulate her and feel genuinely happy for her even when I’m jealous. I feel as if I’m very supportive and yet whenever I accomplish something she does not treat me the same way. She changes the subject or doesn’t listen or even tries to put me down. I don’t understand it. It really frustrates me that her jealousy overpowers our friendship.

  102. I want to test this site (is it still active?) then, leave my post. :)

  103. Hi everybody! (for those of you who are tuning in).

    I have read most of the posts and, it seems, we have all experienced the same kind of thing, nasty JEALOUSY! There are many things we have in common and are repeated here quite often… ‘we’ (those posting here) are friendly, outgoing, sincere, caring, successful…real people pleasers!, etc. :).
    I guess this warm, friendly, (Happy, happy) persona could have developed, as protection, in childhood. (My folks were alcoholics and I needed to bring in the harmony!) This emotional neglect, abuse,… whatever may have contributed to who we are, nice. Now we have discovered that many people “friends” resent ‘niceness’ …especially when we excell!
    One time, several years ago, I was involved with a group doing research on friendship. Many of us had known one another quite well and considered ourselves friends, so this was suppose to be a fun and interesting exploration. Little did we know…
    There were psychologist in the group to add a little expertise! It was an informal ‘circle of friends’ with coffee and cookies included! We met once a week for several hours over several weeks.
    During one meeting, well into the into the discussions, someone posed and interesting exercise. We were told to break off to groups of three and talk about what we really thought about the people in our little threesome. We were told to be totally honest…no ‘just to be nice stuff’…real honesty!! They were emphatic that we be truthful!!

    I pulled two of my favorite folks aside knowing that it would be a real schmooze session…lots of hugs all around. Bill and Kate had been friends for years and I considered them lifelong buddies!

    I suggested that Kate go first and asked her what her thoughts/feelings were about me! I was all smiles with expectation! Well…first she said…”I would like to wipe that smile off of your face!” (Oh my god!) Then she proceeded to say, “I hate the way you are always frriendly, helpful…miss goody two shoes! I would like to knock you off your high horse!”(My stomach caved)
    She went on like this for quite some time and I just stood there…frozen, barely breathing.
    She and Bill had been friends for a longer time and I looked to him to read his expression and maybe for support. He picked up where she left off…”Yeah, knock you down and kick the sh*t out of you!” I remember searching their faces, hoping that his was a mean joke and that they would break out laughing. But no, their eyes were steely cold. It’s amazing how I stood there and numbly told them that I had no idea that they felt this way and that my friendliness was genuine and heartfelt. Also, that I had always considered them as friends!
    I don’t remember much after that. I was sick. I had no idea that people could harbor such meaness and yet, act like we were friends!!
    Eventually, I excused myself and ran upstiars and threw myself on the bed and sobbed. I felt like I had literally been kicked in the stomach. :(
    My husband and I had a lovely home and gladly opened it to this group. We provided plentiful snacks, drinks and even meals during many of the meetings. Most of these people were single and living from paycheck to paycheck. Many of them, including Bill and Kate, were not prospering in many ways. This didn’t matter to me. I guess I thought friendship wasn’t about what we owned, but about hearts and affection for one another!
    I think I was resented for ‘having it all’ and sharing it, to them, was like rubbing their noses in my good fortune.

    That day changed me in some ways. I have not trusted people like I once did. I have since divorced, remarried, had many hard times. My husband, when he is home, is my best friend and I have two great cats!!!
    Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing and can turn into just plain hate. amazing. Thanks to all of you for sharing. I am not so alone, afterall. ;)

  104. yes I have had this problem before and it is still going on. you just need to stit your friend down and tell her what you fell. I understand if that is a very difficult to you but it is worth the try. I f your friend does not understand that it is hurting you then she/he is not really a true friend.
    Just try to work it out….. you never know intill you try.

  105. !!!! thank you for this site.

    i’ve been through so much over the passed few years.

    i would like to begin with this girl that i met in 3rd grade (reaching back but it’s still relevant today). this girl was insane. she was quite popular and very beautiful, but she would tourment me all the time…always picking fights, pretending that she bumped her head, borrowing things from me and then giving them to her friends as gifts. the girl even stole from me and was caught infront of my best friend, me and my friends mother…she cried and ran outside and just stood there.

    i was always a normal weight to skinny kid, but when i hit puberty i became quite the chubby bunny. people were out right rude to me, but i never cried or let it get me down. i just tuned them out and concentrated on what i wanted and my future goals (college, careers, and a life partner…even though these were all many years from that time i knew everything i did at that time would count later on).

    during the christmas break my mom brought this work out video home and i decided to do it with her. by the end of the spring semester i had lost 20 lbs. i took my time, i ate all the normal foods that most kids my age ate but stuck to 1500 to 1800 calories a day and lost about 45 lbs in a year and 1/2. i began high school ( still having a few lbs left but phsyically different), instead of congratulating me all of the girls wanted to know if i was throwing up or anorexic. i would say no no no no. i wondered why these people didn’t take notice the first 20lbs. girls would yell “ANOREXIC” down the hall. i had never had girls act this way towards me and i didn’t understand. i thought maybe i did look bad. i tried building muscle and people began to leave me alone. one girl i went to school with worked at the gym and would see me do 30 min of cardio and an hour of weights…come to find out that she was talking behind my back like i had a “problem.” to this day a girl i’ve known since 6th grade won’t except that i lost the weight the right way, she continously refers back to that time thinking she can get me to “admitt” that i starved or took some crazy diet pills (this girl is quite thin herself and actually went to rehab for her eating disorder). i was about a size 2 then. i notice i never heard any complaints from guys. i got so sick of the crap that i began to go to the grocery store and would hit the bakery department and would buy two things of cookies and would eat both in a day including one loaf of bread. i desperately tried to build muscle. i did. once i did i got what i wanted…all of these girls left me alone…infact that ignored me.

    i joined lacrosse my junior year and met this one girl who was eager to be my friend. she was ever so nice for a good two years, then she changed. it was slight…i thought i had lost my mind she head butted my teeth. i have naturally straight, extremely white teeth and people compliment them all the time and ask if i’ve ever had braces. i realize now that, that was no accident. another girl i met at a halloween party and she quickly adopted me as her friend…she was one of those people who MADE she that after she hung out with you…you HAD to hang out with her the next week. she made sure she was my plans. she was extremely insecure and had major issues with food. she girl would binge on food for a week and then not eat of a week. i know most of you would say drop these people. most of the girls in my town…including there mother and so many young boys have eating disorders…it’s just that common. she began to drain me. even one weekend i made plans ahead of time to go see a movie with my best friend during the week. i told her and she acting upset…as if i were her’s and no one else’s.

    when we first moved to this town we moved in an average house. my mom wanted to have more children, and everytime she got pregnant we would go house hunting, but she should always miscarry…this went on for about a decade. so we remained in that house.

    well my parents have always given me what i wanted ( we were poor before, but things became extremely good and we moved to this town). before we moved to this town i went to a predominately white catholic school and then i moved here which is also predominately whtie. i IMMEDIATELY saw how people treated me based on my skin color (i’m black)…i saw how people had set roles for me and expected me to stick to them…this is why even in jr high i didn’t care what people said to me or how they treated me, b/c i knew it was pure crap.

    i’m not saying all, but atleast 25% of the kids i went to school with had luxury cars…like ferrari’s. i was expecting anything, but my parents bought me a black vw jetta…EXACTLY what i wanted i was so happy. so many other kids at my school had cars just like mine but acted like i was insane (and NO this is not all in my head, i have had people tell me that i’m black and that i must have stolen these things…thing a and thing b in order to have them). i just don’t think these people liked the idea of me having anything, especially if i had more than them.

    so i went to a private univeristy my first year.

  106. i had two roommates, who were both insecure size 6/8 girls, who were so beautiful. i was a size 2. instead of including me in things, they quickly banded against me, talked about me, would talk about me on IM when i was in the room across from them watching. would yell at me for the silliest, and would go out without me on purpose. all of my neighbors could see what was going on. i tried talking to them and they combated every word i had. i even told them that no matter what i said it didn’t matter b/c you guys are listening to a word i’m saying. and literally one of the girls said…sweeties, it doesn’t matter what you say we aren’t listening to a word you’re saying (lol…no joke). i wanted to have a positive experience w/o locking up my stuff everytime i left the room…so i moved out. they watched me on facebook even though i deleted them. and as soon as they saw halloween pictures they were desperately trying to be so nice to me.

    my 2nd semester i found a lump on my right breast and was taking 18 hours. i was so stressed. i was so scared that i’d lose my breasts, my hair and my life. ’til this day i’m 22 (23 in december), a virgin, don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. i went home over spring break and went to go get my hair done (STILL waiting on this doctors appointment). i asked for a trim…i have a tendency to be nervous about people cutting my hair so she turned me around. when she was down she turned me around again…i went from a bob to a pixie cut…with the thought of cancer in my mind this did not help…i cried and cried everytime i looked in the mirror. the girl who would make me hang out with her called me up like it was so important…even showing up to my house. i was still recovering from having 3 of 6 wisdom teeth removed, but wanted to go out. this girl does nothing but yell, degrade and embarress me infront of people (she has no personality so she has to talk about everyone including her own family members). i was on medication and had enough when she started accusing me of having phone sex with some guy…some guy i hardly know. it just insane, then telling me that i needed to shut up and get over it when it came to this lump (i was on medication…don’t know why i told her).

    the other girl i met from lacrosse went to a private school in NY that was 60 grand, her parents couldn’t afford it. she would call me at school trying to push her issues on my saying this like, “hey, how school??? expensive for you,” knowing that my parents could afford it. this is the same girl that i spent a whole summer with making cupcakes with every morning to sell so she could have some extra money for school.

    i came hoem that summer and had surgery, thank god it wasn’t cancer. i signed for 11 hrs of school that summer and worked part time to have something constructive to do ( i was just so happy to have my health). i worked out hard and vowed not to eat crap that i don’t want to and not to listen to people who try to convince me something is wrong with my body. not to mention this cup cake girl was abusive to her mother after she lost both of her breast from breast cancer just a few months before that. naturally and luckily b/c of work i had no time for them and their negativity. i transfered school as i didn’t want to live in a college town and wanted to be in the city.

    i met a few nice people. in particular i met this girl who take all of the same classes i do. i thought she would be nice to study with, but all she wanted to do was use me for help and on top of that she was jealous of me and competing with me. she would lie about her grades and when i’d tell her i made a b in a class she would try manipulate me by saying, “i thought you said you made a c”. i would basically explain online chem quizzes to her to the point where all she ahd to do was punch the numbers into the calculator. not to mention one night b4 a final i drove up to the most busiest parts of town that have a 24 hr starbucks to help her with chemistry…she sat there not attempting to absorb anything. i felt bad for her b/c she said her mom had surgery the next day. the next semester i had a doctor appointment and missed the class where they give out the password to access the notes online. i went up to school looking everywhere for the professor or TA. that girl was the only person’s number i had in that class. i didn’t want to get behind b/c the class was every other day the chapters were a long 60 pages. she kept saying she’d give me the password later…she never did. the password was watson and crick…that simple. i was walking behind this girl she was friends with but i couldn’t remember her name so i didn’t say anything. she was talking on the phone with the girl and she was telling her that i was trying to USE her…wow, just wow. then ontop of that everytime i see her she has someone “helping” her with a subject everyday that semester…she basically uses people to get her work done, but can turn around in a split second and say someone else is doing it.

  107. i tried being nice for a while, but then i thought i don’t need this. i haven’t done anything wrong and this girl needs to stop pretending like she’s the victim for someone needing the password “watson and crick”…my gosh…

    back to that clingy drama queen and the so called nice girl. well i went to see them that thankgiving break. i had lost all the weight by just eating right and exercising. i have a mesomorphic body and put on muscle easily, so i work at putting on lean muscle which burns fat. they began to outcast me and make me feel like something is wrong with me trying to convince me that i have a problem. i got compliments from strangers all the time about how lean my legs were and what i did and my blood pressure was 92/70. by christmas i had enough of the BS and told one of them off. i gave the so called nice girl half a chance and saw her when i went to visit a friend in austin. i got a burberry headband as a gift over the christmas break and never mentioned it. when i saw her she started going on about how i didn’t need that headband and that she could make it herself. this girl spends hours on end planning a wardrobe that is designed and ‘looks” like she doesn’t care…on top of that i have never seen this girl eat a meal…NEVER…nor have i seen her nibble on bread. my best friend couldn’t stand her, not to mention she kept rubbing her hands on her bf’s thigh. i told her off…i took her number off of my phone.

  108. i’m not done…but i will finish this post later.

  109. Hi Houston…

    Wow! You needed to ‘talk’ about this jealousy thing! :) It sounds like you have had a lot of frustration around people and pettiness. I am A LOT older than you, so cannot relate completely. I will say this, though. I have found that I have to except some people as they are…pettiness and all. If we want “friends”, on some level, we have to forgive their ignorance (and I do mean ignorance!) and move on with life…otherwise, we will be alone all our lives. People (including us!) are so far from perfect!! ;)
    You may be an HSP,,,highly sensitive people- person. they make up 25% of the population. There are books (Amazon) on the subject. Read the reader’s comments about the books and you may read about yourself. HSP’s notice and feel EVERYTHING!
    Many people walk around in a fog, noticing little and hurting others with their clumsy ignorance. Most of the time they are completely unaware of how much they hurt others. also, they tend to band together! Oddly enough, HSP people annoy them and they will be crude/rude to show their annoyance by putting them down, ignoring them, etc.
    I wish I could say that this sensitive nature goes away, but it only lightens a bit. Being highly perceptive (emotionally) is a painful life and not understood by ‘the herd’ mentality. :)

    I have learned, most of the time, to let people be who they are. If I find them intolerable (like the ones I wrote about above) I drop them from my life.

    You might want to read books on “emotional intelligence”, as well. Our schools teach us academics, but the subject of emotions is rarely touched upon. I know people (Hitler types) that are clueless about the ‘feeling world’.

    I like kind, thoughtful, people (a rare breed) and just can’t help myself! Ha ha

    This may all sounds paranoid, but…oh well…so be it.

  110. Petperson- You wrote a very nice letter to Houston, and helpful suggestions, I think. You gave nice, wise, open-hearted advice, and bless you. Now I am going to be the critic.
    Houston-for you to have written those incredibly long and multiple posts detailing miniscule things that filled up everybody’s inbox today, you may, in fact, have a very, very, very big ego and be extremely self-involved. I wonder if most converstions you have with your friends revolve around you…if you dominate the scene, act like the center of the universe and therefore cause resentment? I’m just saying, there may be 2 sides to this story.

  111. hi peterson and rocy. i have not finished my post and no i do not think i’m the center of attention, i hardly speak about myself to these people. i too also thought that of myself and looked in the mirror. but
    the reason why i’m reaching back so far as 2nd grade is that these same people who treated me so badly to this day still try to infliltrate my life but spreading rumors about me and then still attempted to reconnect with me…and after years of me trying to be nice and help out with anything possible and still being slammed, i’ve had enough.

    it is only NOW that i’m realizing that these people were jealous of me. i didn’t really have a friend until around 4th grade and didn’t start speaking in class until around age 12. i was tormented (to extent people saying i wish you were dead) and made fun every single day and kept to myself, so when people started treating me like this i did not recognize what was going on, i truly felt that there something wrong with me.

    i wouldn’t even tell people that a relative had died and that i’m mourning, but when prompted to do things i would tell them why. i was made fun of gossiped about and once again told to get over it.

    after awhile i started to notice that all of these people were so clingy b/c so few people wanted to be around them b/c they were so toxic and just plain mean. even their family members would tell them not to treat their friends like this.

    and i know i jumped around a lot in my post, but as soon as my parents decided to move to a newer slightly bigger house after high school, i went from someone who was nothing as they would put me down and make fun of me constantly to a total snob. i never tell anyone about what i have or even what my parents do for living.

    anyways i gave one of the girls one last chance after her continously going through the internet trying to contact me and apologizing for how she acted for about 2 years. my best firend also told me not to talk to that girl, but i thought i’d give it another chance. as soon as we started hanging out and i was just nice and not trying to make her work for my friendship she started trying to take advantage of me. i called her out nicely, she owned up to it. but it’s like she just wouldn’t stop. i began to realize all of the so called mean people and stuck up people were not what she saying they were…b/c she kept trying to be their friends..infact i knew these people and they were quite nice and got along wtih everyone. the problem was anytime someone seemed happy she would trying to bring them down and discredit anything that person had going for them like, “oh i went for a walk today,” that would be something to angry about. and then she went into full drive taking jabs at everything i’d say or do, including deleting my own relative off of my facebook. after 6 years of me walking away and saying absolutely nothing i told her off. i knew i had to because if i was nice and left her alone she would just come back again. she made sure to tell everyone that knew me or was aquainted me that she also knew i was a bad person AFTER she owned up to everything that she did to me personally. i guess she wanted to cover her tracks.

    i told her that i’d leave her number on phone b/c if she tries to call me i’ll know not to take her call. my phone accidently called her phone, she kept trying to make into me trying to contact her, i told her off again. one day i went to take a test one afternoon in the summer and came back 2 hours later to find my apt broken into. 2 days b4 that i was studying and heard my car alarm go off. i thought i was being really paranoid. as soon as i go outside it went off by itself. but the thing is my alarm never goes off except for the few times i tested it so i knew it was mine. among the things stolen from my apt was my cell phone, whoever broke in phoned my mother over and over and over agin. so i don’t know what to think.

  112. Hey, Rocy,

    I’m glad you jumped in here with your insights. I’ve liked your comments throughout this thread. Wise lady!

    Houston, I’m into a little “overwhelm” with your complicated history with friends.Yikes! I think having one on one sessions with a therapist may be in order. You have experienced so much strife with the people in your life and you need to talk it out…big time! Perhaps, being face to face, with a professional, may be just the healing that you need!

    Just a thought! :)

  113. Haha no I’m fine and I’m sure you’re still thinking NO really PLEASE get help. They did get to me and for a while I could not trust people with the simplest things. But I know I’ve changed b/c this time I confronted the person and let them ago…of course I didn’t appreciate my apt being broken into or my name being slandered. I know that I don’t need to give people a million chances when they treat me badly.

    My parents always told me that I don’t need a bunch of friends I just need one good one. I deinately get it now and I do have one and we’ve been friends since the 1st day of fourth grade and I appreciate her more than ever b4 b/c it is so rare. And I can honestly say that I have never fought with her and to boot she is my polar opposite.

  114. OMG I must add to this!!! I experienced this in people a few times and sadly one case to the degree the person sabotaged a relationship between me and another friend. It left me momentarily heartbroken, but as all things do go on in life, so did I without this person.

    I am a happy person. Giving. Grateful. Truly blessed. It is a joy to me to share that with others. The people that cannot share in that too really need to go figure out what their life is about I guess.

    Confident, caring, happy people don’t deserve the ugly that comes from those that have this issue.

    I can honestly say I don’t hate or take away from my friends when they have joy in their lives, even if mine is not at it’s peak point. We all experience a few tough times in life. We are all human and no one is perfect, but my goodness for some of the extremes I have seen some people go to in order to hate on another for no reason other than they are simply jealous is just insane to me. Totally makes me wonder about some people.

    I am glad I found this and thank you all for sharing your experiences. I wondered for a minute if this was common or rare.

  115. Hi Everyone! I just wanted to drop in and say Happy Holidays! :)

  116. Hi Jen, Thanks for sharing. Yes, we all seem to have a lot in common!

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you, Mattie…and everybody posting here! ;)

  117. Thanks Mattie & Petperson-
    Happy Holidays Everyone who posts here-
    Here’s to having healthy boundaries, self-esteem and assertive communication through the holidays :) and being secure enough to let people be what ever the heck they be–ho ho ho…Peace*

  118. Yes, “healthy boundaries” so important as we navigate through these holidays…and through this life! Ho ho ho and peace to you, Rocy! :)

  119. I know what you mean. when I decided to start working out 4 months ago, I noticed my friend used to always discourage me, or try to distract me. When i mention how my workout session went that day, she would always change the subject and say ” Im not trying to lose weight, im going to eat whatever i want.” Well its been 4 months that I have been exercising, and now i look extremley good.(I looked good before, but now im a lot more toned), and she has gained 20 pounds. Now I notice she doesnt like going out to the clubs with me anymore or to the beach like we normally do together, and the few times she did go with me, I noticed that guys hit on me more, and i think shes intimidated buy that, and that hurts me a lot. Im always trying to encourage her to workout with me, but she always finds excuses.I love her a lot, and I wish she would just get off her butt and come to the gym with me, instead of moping around talking about how she needs to lose weight, and finding any excuse not to go out with me anymore. Its funny how you can gradually lose friends when you accomplish certain goals!

  120. Discipline comes very hard for some people. Exercise repels me and I love carbohydrates! ;) I’m not ‘fat’ but I could lose about 20 lbs. Your friend sounds like she has a similar problem.
    I admire my ’skinny’ friends and may envy them just a bit…especially their clothes! But I do make my own choices, so *duh* I never begrudge their successes!
    The thing is, since I am not a youngster and can reflect, I must say good friends, fat or skinny, are very hard to come by! Lifelong friends are extremely special! I really regret losing some of my galfriends! So, don’t give up on your friend too fast. She probably is hurting. She sees you looking so good and then looks in the mirror and sees her own plump figure. (groan)
    It’s easy to say that she should just do something about it, but it’s complicated. I speak from experience…it is emotional, psychological, learned eating habits, physical (hypothyroidism), etc.
    Have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how fond of her you are and how much you value her friendship. You might even talk about how hard it has been for you to go to these workouts and to continue maintaining your routine.Let her know how important this is to you…not only for looks, but the way you feel…your health!
    Find things to do with her that doesn’t involve looking spectacular (like going to clubs)…do comfortable thing, like going to a movie, taking walks, experimenting with great tasting, low fat, recipes together… Maybe take Tai chi together. That is a fun activity and one can wear loose clothes and exercise in a fun, not-so-embarrassing, way!
    Well, some things to think about. If she doesn’t respond to these acts of friendship/kindness then perhaps, give her some space for awhile. don’t break it off for good! Sometimes, time apart heals a lot. Good luck!!! I’m off to have a brownie! :)

  121. i was searching the internet about this when i came across this site, but before i found this site i found this:

    http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=56031

    petperson is right you should try to encourage her, but don’t bend over backwards, b/c some people just want you to be where they’re at. i’ve tried to take people to gym with me and all they do is complain and go back to their old habits. whether it’s extreme dieting/starvation and just nothing at all. people really have to do it for themselves.

  122. I have the same problem. It took me some time to realize it, but now it is plain to see. Women don’t make good friends. This friend is envious, If is say I took the Metra, she will say she only likes the rock island train, even though she doesn’t ride it. She is not supportive, changes the subject when I talk. When I need support she just blows me off and then talks about her repeated problems over and over. Or she will purposely just say words like she is listening. It is like dead air with her when I talk. Now I am very sippy towards her because I know she is very jealous and hateful and I am tired of her. I returned back to school to get my MSW and now she claims she is going back to school. It is really sad, but I think what I will is stop calling her. when she does call I won’t answer. She is a loser and a user. I don’t go out a lot. I like to read. Everytime she calls, it is “girl my friend call me for this and that.” Even though she is a moocher and mooches off of people for food and drinks. She somehow tries to run it in with me. I really don’t like people like her. She told me for Christmas she went to a friends house for dinner.. a moocher and took 3 places home. I told her I went to my sisters and I had old gifts from last year unopened and I wrapped one of those nice gifts for christmas and gave it to my sister. She blurted out “that’s tacky.” and this girl just admitted to mooching off of a friend with 3 plates. I am so tired of her put downs. i don’t want to wake up one day void of my self esteem because I allowed this in my life and it slowly chipped away at me. I think I will cut all strings and stop talking to her. Now I am really starting not to like her beause there is just no cause for this. She just blows my conversations off like “oh well.” So I know what you mean. I too will start looking for a male companion, they make the best friends. I was too busy with work and school, but I need a best friend and men make the best of friends.

  123. I do know this…friendship involves a lot of forgiveness, otherwise, we will spend life alone. And that’s no fun. ;]

    We have to step back and decide what we can live with…does the person have enough ‘good points’ to hang in there with them? It sounds like this particular friend doesn’t have many.

    My problem with men friends is that my hubby isn’t too excited about me dining, going to movies, etc. with a guy! Lol I will add that I wouldn’t be too thrilled with him spending his little bit of free time with another woman! And so it goes.

  124. I thought I’d never feel the way I have been feeling these days, but I guess that’s what life is all about: new challenges.

    Something great is happening to me professionally, but not ONE, and I really do mean NOT ONE person is happy for me. I am beyond hurt and surprised that the people I have shown nothing but love and support to for as long as I have known them have betrayed me like this. I always put people’s interest before my own and more times than not, I am always about everyone else’s issue, problems, happiness and whatever else. The one time something great happens to me, I cannot get a single person to show me some support or even care.

    How can I possibly call these people friends? Such a big thing has happened to me, and all of them have just ignored it and me. It hurts. It really hurts. I’m not looking for big words or anything - just a little ackowledgement.

    I’m not to sure why I’m even writing this, but it does feel good.

    Thank you.

    Rose

  125. I’m sorry, Rose. I know so well what you are saying and feeling. It does hurt when those who you thought were friends and loved ones, cannot ‘be there’ for you during these special times. I have decided that they cannot overcome their feelings of jealousy.
    Also, some people have very low ‘emotional intelligence’. Regardless, it hurts terribly.
    Well, congratulations, Rose!!!! We have to forgive our ‘friends’ for their, sometimes, awful slights/behavior etc…otherwise, we will have no friends! :)

  126. Good read…I am struggling with a friend that is very jealous & envious and has gone rather nutso on me a few times this year.

    We work together too as well as knowing each other for 15 years now.

    While I don’t take it personally as I know she is this way with many others too, I have set boundaries and have spoken up, encouragingly as well as assertively.

    I agree we have to be forgiving but…there is also a limit on what we should put up with. I have let a few mean comments and unsupportive behaviors go, BUT….if it continues in the future I am prepared to distance and only be involved in our business situations.

    I too am a very happy and caring, supportive person…I am not the jealous and envious type at all.

    There is no more poisonious emotions than pathological jealousy & envy. Many narcissistic personalities have this issue…something else to look at.

  127. I am so there with u. But understand, eagles fly alone.

  128. Hi Laurie,

    Setting boundaries is good. I guess I feel that if a “friend” leaves me feeling ‘down’ after I’ve left her/him, well, how long do I want to repeat that experience? Not too long. :)

    There are ‘mean’ people ‘out there’ and we have to protect ourselves!

    When we are around someone who is kind, thoughtful, with good ‘vibes’, it’s like a breath of fresh air! We feel good after being with them! Surrounding yourself with people like this is healthy. We should avoid those who leave us psychologically drained! .

    Life is pretty short, really, so why not choose to be with emotionally intelligent people?

  129. Hi

    Having the same problem? You have to realize its their problem not yours, rise above it all. If they speak to you just say hi, do not compromise your own dreams please follow your own dreams. A Old wise lady told me this, what goes around comes around, so dont get revenge, just shrug it off and dont tell them any struggles you are having if they ask or speak to you be “positive” and talk about positive things about you or whats happening in the world.Be polite (If you can). Thats about it. If they are still doing this. Tough its not your problem. Another friend told me to be myself thats ok and it is. She also told be p*** them off. Well if things never improve do that. dont give in to their childishness.Theirs bigger things in life to get on with than these little minded people. There really is so so so, much more to life and good friendships. Hope you are going ok.Dont compromise yourself. God bless. JH

  130. Forgot to tell you this
    You say youre a good listener etc. Well dont listen to their rubbish which it is and your very caring, hey start being gentle with you and take very much “care” of yourself you are very important and special too, we all are you have the right to take responsibility foryourself and take care of you first thats your birthright.Please take care of you first, because they are and taking advantage of you. UP THEM.You can do better, come on you can! JH

  131. Thanks, Jane for your suggestions. It sounds like you have had a lot of experience in this area! :)

  132. Petperson, I so agree with your latest post! Generally, if I get an invite out, I will respond according to my heart. If I feel great and looking forward to it, I’ll go. If not - if there is a feeling of discomfort or dread (yeah, it can be that bad) - then I just make up an excuse and get out of it. Maybe lying isn’t always the best practice, but sometimes, particularly if the person is pushing me to hang out, it gives me time to get my thoughts in order. Sometimes I can get a bit worked up over these things and I’ll end up feeling so pressured that I am overly blunt about my feelings. There’s a delicate balance that I haven’t mastered when it comes to boundaries, and I am trying to learn how to be tactful rather than hurtful. (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!)

    In the meantime, there’s a quote I keep on my desk and I think it really helps me make decisions. I would like to share it with you all. It’s by Louis L’Amour, from the book, “Ride the River: The Sacketts”:

    “Do not let yourself be bothered by the inconsequential. One has only so much time in this world, so devote it to the work and the people most important to you, to those you love and things that matter. One can waste half a lifetime with people one doesn’t really like, or doing things when one would be better off somewhere else.”

    Just love that.

  133. Hi Mattie,

    Thanks for that great quote! If we could live by that, we would find peace. I think men have an easier time of saying “for-get-about-it than we ladies do! Lol I know I go into a quandary over way too many things. I was once told that I was too conscientious! This has been my ‘cross’. :) Thanks for your note. I think you are on the right track!

  134. ha! ya i totally agree. i dont understand what the hell is the matter with all of these miserable people… gawd.. they are all pathetic.. we are all human its normal for people to feel jealousy, but to a varying degree, no one is perfect and i have felt it aswell. but it has never consumed my core.. the way i think it consumes jealous people, and i jsut dont undertand these evil hearted people. we live in a very competitive world, people will do anything to bring you down if you are successful… i’ve had this many a times with friends none which i’m close with anymore. This just happened with a friend i had for ten years!!! the thing is anytime good things happend to any of my friends i was always genuienly happy for them.. beucase i was alwyas busy with my own things. and even when i wasnt i got a kick out of seeing them grow as people.. ( one team one dream) so it was so dissapointing to see the look of jealousy on thier face..

    what i have learned is this.. if you set a goal in life and are busy working towards acheiving it, miserable people will try and take you down.. so how to eliminate the loosers?

    (regarding the words “looser”, “pathetic” and “miserable” , i know it sounds harsh, but im sorry thats what these people are! )

    how to eradicate the loosers.

    1) self preservation. (dont talk too much about future goals)

    2) weed people out, hangout with people that have thier lives in order. i find the people that are happy and have goals are too busy to be jealous becuase they have so much going on..

    3) if you meet someone and soon come to find out that they are jealous or have the potential of being jealous ditch them and look for new friends. its just not worth dealing with. i am much happier now even though i only have a handful friends but the few i have are rock solid!

  135. You are very descriptive in your writing! :) Also, you are ‘right on’!! Being successful is tough on relationships! It shouldn’t be that way, but it can sure weed out the jealous ones! I’m glad you have found a few “rock solid” friends who can stand in your light and enjoy it! Thanks for your comments!

  136. I have read most of what was said on the subject. I would like to add my honest feelings here. I have just lost 5kg after working my behind off every day. One of my closest friends has made the comment ” i dont know why youre walking every day, you dont look any thinner to me”.
    I dont want to sound like the world revolves around me, but i felt and still feel very hurt weeks later. I was 100kg and now 95kg. it took me about 5months to take 5 kilos off. the healthy, slow way. I would like just a little respect, or if its not too hard a little encouragement.what really irritates me is that when youre fat everyone says lose some weight your health is going to suffer, but when you start they speak out of envy and discourage you. well i am not blaming anyone, i just wanted to share. i do wish to forgive her from the bottom of my heart. a little forgiveness goes a long way. KEEP SMILING PEOPLE, there are worse things than hurt feelings. thanks for reading. bye

  137. Hi Sue,

    I hate to say this, but your “friend” is not a friend…not at all! What a mean, very jealous, remark to make!! Come on! What a brat! I can think of another “B” word, as well. (sorry) Lol

    I don’t know why people say and do things like this, but I have had this very same experience! I remember, one time, after losing quite a bit of weight and buying an adorable outfit, I met the ‘green-eyed monster’, jealousy, head on! I had gone to lunch with some girlfriends, just knowing they, would be thrilled for me, and not one of them said one word!!! I mean, you can see when a person has dropped twenty five pounds!!! The cute little red dress I was wearing showed every new ‘curve’ (tastefully) and I was sooo proud of myself! One girl even said something ’snotty’ about a necklace I had on…an unusual vintage piece that belonged to my mother.

    I went home, alone, feeling so sad that no one could be gracious enough to congratulate me! I think it was the beginning, for me, to not trust ‘friendship’, again.

    Well, I am too heavy, once again, and have started a new regime to lose weight, get healthier, etc., and truthfully, I don’t expect anyone to notice, comment..none of it. Jealousy is rampant and I know that, now. If some gracious person does notice and says something encouraging, I will realize how special they are and give them a big hug!! They are out there…the sweet/kind ones!! I’ll never give up on that possibility!!

    Thanks for sharing your story and please, please, keep up the good work!!! In fact, become more determined to reach your gorgeous, thinner self, goals…for health and great looks, too!!! Let us know how you are doing! xo’s

  138. You’ve probably got no friends because you just go on and on about how fantastic you are. You sound like a real jerk, I wouldn’t want to hang out with you either!

  139. Speaking of “real jerks”…

  140. Well done, Pet Person:)
    P.S. Charlotte gets jealous of people over e-mail whom she’s never even met! We should do a study of her to further understand this “jealousy” thing ;)

  141. i know i never said anything b4, but i’ll say it now. i believe rocy and petperson began to attack and tell me i’m full of myself and that the way people were treating me was petty.

    yea right. i call it jealously. i had a feeling that saying someone i considered a friend trying to put me down about a burberry headband would invoke people to quickly call me a snob and full of myself…which is why i felt the need to explain that the majority of the people i grew up with were upper middle and up. a headband is a headband… BUT… if it’s from burberry it would certainly have the traditional plaid that all things from burberry have…which is why it was easily recognizable.

    i doubt petperson and rocy even finished reading what i had to say. i don’t know how deaths in my family and cancer scares and surgeries could come off as nonsense. and okay enough reason for people to be out right cruel to me and happy to see my fall.

    what it seems like is a little bit of jealously and riding me off…b/c i basically had a the same things to say as everyone else.

    no petperson did come back and say something about my apt being broken into, but rocy had nothing to say. i don’t think she should have to comment on my post but she was quick to dismiss me foolish…and then after explaining other things to not say anything at all…BUT still be here to comment on everyone else’s post instead of owning up to her being wrong for riding me off.

    i shouldn’t have to explain what house i live or b4 i moved into whatever house…

    bottom line is people were treating me like crap who i thought were my friends and i did NOT deserve it.

  142. i didn’t live in poverty for long, but living in it…not being able to go outside when i pleased (bad neighborhood), not always having food, heat, or cool air (in texas) wasn’t great. my parents worked their butts off as african immigrants in american…and i’ll be damned if i’ll let anyone make me feel bad having.

    and people with this “you need to talk to someone about this” c’mon guys. don’t say it’s because i live in a small texas town. i for the most part grew up outside of houston in a masterplanned community. racism persists everywhere in this country. if you grew up in the suburbs or went to a predominately white school most of the people were prejudice towards blacks including other minorities. it doesn’t matter if you live in liberal califoria or nyc (trust me my dad worked for wall street for sometime), so guys OPEN YOUR EYES.

  143. I am soooooo happy to find all of you. I have been repeatedly hurt by friends, relatives, even my own mum & felt very lonely. For the past two years I had a friend whom I considered ‘The perfect friend’ only to see the pattern happen again after I got my dream job. She was very good to me, she was the one who pushed me to pursue this position ‘university faculty’ when all I saw in myself was a housewife. Her encouragement pulled me out of my midlife crisis & I got the job. The minute I got she turned against me. I didn’t see it at first & kept consulting her on various issues concerning relationships with my coworkers,…etc. I kept giving her the credit for what I reached. I repeatedly thanked her, & told her & everybody we know that she was the reason of my success. I also got her a big gift & still feel she deserves more for seeing something in me & changing my life so much. Despite all that she is constantly against me now that I am successful. Whenever I tell her about something good that happened at work she belittles it & makes fun of me. She stopped calling me. I kept maintaining contact but she would get angry about strange things, things that never angered her before!!! I apologize to her even if it doesn’t make sense & always tell her that our relationship is very valuable to me & that I never ever mean to make her sad. One day when something very good happened to me at work & she was angry with me, I called her & told her how I could not enjoy my success because she was angry & apologized again (although the issue was a joke I made about her cooking, which was perfectly ok before & which also is the kind of remark she gives me & others several times a day without seeing it hurtful at all). Her actions are not making any sense anymore to me. She is 10 years older than me & she has always dreamed of having the same job I got, but her education does not qualify her. She has been causing me a lot of pain lately, but I do not want to leave her because I know she is the reason of my success. What should I do??

  144. Hi Houston,

    I can totally feel what you are going through! Somehow, I think our “friends” can be there for us when we are down, but can’t stand the success stories! It actually hurts them to hear or see us in a situation that they would love to be living.

    Pay attention in your own ‘inner life’ when you see very highly successful people…maybe their homes, relationships, vacations they take, etc. If you feel a “twinge” of jealousy, you will know what your friend is feeling! Since you are close, she hears all of your successes and just can’t take it.

    I have actually played down my life and even mentioned ‘negative’ aspects of it (we all have the negatives!) to keep certain friends ‘friendlier’. I know, very weird!

    I have given up on people who are so jealous that they continue to ‘bring me down’ with snotty comments! Life is too short!

    You could try being real honest with this friend (before giving her some ’space’). When she hurts you, with one of her comments, say something like, “What you said has hurt my feelings…are you angry with me about something” …” You are my friend and I love you, but, sometimes, the way you say things can hurt”…my life isn’t perfect, I want our friendship to be friendly…I want us to be there for one another”…sharing in a kind way”…maybe you don’t realize that you hurt me sometimes, but I needed to tell you”, etc..

    Longtime friends are hard to find, but if someone continues to hurt you, unthinkingly, just cruelly jealous…whatever, it’s time to leave. There are a few nice, thoughtful, people out there, so start up a new friendship…build history together. :)

    Taking constructive suggestions, without being offended, is a good thing in friendship and we must always listen in an open way. Perhaps, there is something we could do differently. I think most of us can ‘feel’ it when jealousy/cruelty is involved.

    Let us know how you are doing!!

  145. Oooops! I meant the above email for Laura!!! :) :) :)

  146. Hey,just wanted to post a comment on this topic. I totally understand what you mean. I can relate to this.I am an attractive woman but hey that is not my fault! Blame my parents! lol
    Although i’m not full of myself and i am a very humble person. I always compliment others and try to make them feel good. I was a poor kid growing up and never had any luxuries! I have never had anything really amazing material wise, never been on holiday abroad, never had a car, Im just a normal and very simple person. I am now married too and have been blessed with my gorgeous husband, who i met in my church. I also feel he is my best friend because i don’t have any friends! On my wedding day NO ONE told me i looked nice or anything positive about the wedding, reception etc!!! Absolutely nothing! I felt so sad inside! I know it might sound self centred but come one it’s your wedding day! You want to be complimented im sure! It just shows that people may be jealous of me because of the things i have witnessed lately such as my wedding. I don’t know what it is. So i know it’s stupid but it’s starting to seem that women may be jealous of me because of my appearance because i don’t really have anything else they could be jealous of . I can sense the way they look at me up and down and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, even at church! i just wanted to be their friend but i find it so hard! Im always nice to everyone and i smile and try to say hi but it’s very hard work!
    I guess I have just learned to accept it!

  147. Hi me :),

    Being beautiful, or even attractive, can bring out the ‘green-eyed monster’, jealousy, big time…especially, if it includes having a great (handsome) guy and other successes! “Friends”, church members, etc. can only handle so much!

    People tend to think somebody who ‘has everything’ going for them just won’t need anything else, like support, friendship, etc. You’ll have to pay close attention to those few who seem to like you for who you are. There are some groups (cliques) who will ignore you because of their jealousy issues. The often band together.

    You can ‘feel’ when people are unfriendly. If you have been kind and friendly, but find you are being rejected, it is very possible that jealousy is the problem. There are times when this isn’t the case, so don’t judge too quickly. People are often shy and appear like snobs, so do give them a chance. don’t jump to conclusions too fast.

    Being attractive, or successful, in life has this odd curse. You’re right, in some ways you just have to live with it. Keep smiling, pretty girl! :)

  148. thank you, petperson :)

  149. Hi me :)

    I totally understand how you feel & it is very frustrating especially with people at church who should be real Christians. Would it make you feel better to tell you that the same happened to me on my wedding day 18 years ago!!! I thought I was the only one!! Later on after 2 kids, & after exercising my heart out and really putting a lot of hard work to keep my prepregnancy figure, not for showing off but only because I believe that as a Christian woman, I owe it to my husband to give him the best wife I could be, hard work paid off & my body became even better than before pregnancy!! Everything looked beautiful on me although I am not particularly pretty or anything. It is all due to hard work & discipline. I know I may sound as if I am obsessed about my figure, but that is not the case at all, I was striving to be perfect & do my best in every area of my life.

    I introduce a new service for poor & handicapped children in my church. I had many helpers, but all of them young people. None of my age shared in it, & they tried to stop it saying that those kids would get the church hall dirty. Although we cleaned it very well after using it & the kids are not that dirty at all!! And above all, when Jesus chose to come to earth, he was among the poor, not the rich,…etc.

    Anyway, it took me many years to understand that church society has the same values as any other society. If you are successful, they hate you for it. If you are successful & modest, they hate you even more.

    To cut a long story short, I got depressed for 4 long years after they succeeded in stopping this service for the poor. I got really depressed & disappointed, that I gained 10 Kgs over those 4 years. I still exercise, but not regularly. I turned into a compulsive shopper, & I now have lots & lots of beautiful clothes none of which look very beautiful on me ’cause of my weight gain. Can you imagine what happened, they are now all my friends (not sincere friends of course), but they are close to me now ’cause I am a failure!!

    The first good thing that happened to me was this marvelous job as a university teacher, which I felt like God personally picking up out of the rut I was in. Only, to find my only friend turning jealous for this one success.

    Anyway, I learned not to pay attention to people at all, only to God. He is my only friend, & my coach. And of course, my lovely husband & wonderful kids who are always supporting me.

    I am now working hard on loosing weight & stopping being a shopping addict. I hope i will succeed in both. I already lost 1kg, but I have 9 to go. Will you pray for me?

  150. hi Laura!!

    Just read your comment. That is horrible. Sometimes when people are jealous they don’t care if things are for a good cause or not. If they hate you, they will hate whatever you do or want to do! But you haven’t got to feel bad because god know what your intentions are in your heart!!! And even if you haven’t suceeded is not your fault because you gave it a shot! So, again god knows the desire of your heart! :)
    I go to church and recently I have been asked to teach a women’s class because the teacher is not going to be there on sunday. I know it sounds sad but i can’t do it, because the women there make me really nervous! (And to make it even worse i suffer from panic attacks and an anxiety disorder) As much as i would love to do it, and to find the confidence to do it, I know they will just be staring at me and looking for faults. And i can’t deal with it especially with my conditions. Sometimes i think i would be better off if i ”let myself go” and become one of them so i could have friends at church and feel more welcomed. But this is not what GOD wants me to do! They have to accept me for who I am! I’m not going to fake who I am just because a bunch of jealous hypocrites. Plus I don’t really think i would want them as my friends after i’ve seen their true colours! I go to church because of God not because of them.
    So laura, keep smiling. think that god loves us for the individuals we are, if we were all the same it would be boring. You will overcome this and make sure you fit into those gorgeous clothes again :D and be happy. And we just have to learn how to ignore hypocrit people and greet them with a smile so they know they’re not affecting you.
    And of course i’ll pray for you! :) Get well soon x

  151. laura and me i will pray for the both you. if you guys live near an airport…try this: go there and just walk around and see how many faces you’ve never seen in your life. idk but it makes me feel better b/c i realize that these people are such a small fraction out of 6 billion people in the world.

    don’t ever change yourself for anyone…you will never win. always do what you like.

    like right now i want to go get a croissant, but everytime i go to this place the people who work there laugh at me behind my back or just watch me from a far pissed off. i know why they’re doing it, it’s b/c their bitter that they’re working there. i’ve seen people who went to the same high school as me, they had to same opportunities as me…it’s not like i’m in the real world yet i’m still in school and studying all through spring break and going to this store for coffee and a snack. and sometimes i just want to say something, but i know i shouldn’t go down to their level.

  152. Hey guys,
    I spoke with my jealous friend and it has just gotten worse. She cried and cried and said yes she was jealous but now that my husband are trying for kids, I know I can’t tell her when I’m pregnant until I have to and what kind of friend is that. I know she won’t be able to handle it and that I will lose her as a friend. I really wish there was something to do but she had to find happiness within herself before she finds it with a man. On a side note, don’t you think that a 30 year old who has never been on a date would look to herself and ask why not just complain that the world sucks and that there are no men out there. She really doesn’t like hanging out at my house when my husband is home, she likes to treat me like a single gal when in fact I am happily married. I feel bad for her so I remain her friend but is that a reason to stay friends with someone?

  153. Hey, Houston,

    At least she cried and admitted her jealousy. Being that honest must have been hard.

    You need to think about what she means to you. Do you have a lot of good times? Think about never seeing her again…would that hurt a lot?

    Friends are hard to find, so don’t give up on her too quickly.

    Perhaps you could prepare her a bit and go easy on her when you have to tell her your good news.

    She just feels sad that she has no one ’special’ in her life. It is really very sad.

    Stay open with her and talk about her jealousy in a kind way. Tell her that you don’t always have a perfect life (nobody does) and that you hope she will be happy for you if you get pregnant.

    It probably hurts her to see you and your husband together. She wants a life more like yours. Some people have poor social skills and don’t meet others too easily.

    If she is thirty and never dated, maybe she needs counseling. Just a thought.

  154. Hi Me :)
    I read your last post & wanted to write to you immediately but have been very busy. I wanted to reach you before Sunday to encourage you to give this class. It’s too late now, but here is what I wanted to tell you:

    If you get the opportunity again to teach something in church, then do it. Do it for yourself. Do it to get the confidence, to practice standing in front of people. You can definitely do it. You yourself said you’d love to do it. Imagine they are not there. Imagine they are different people & say whatever God gives you as a message. You know most of them are hypocrites, so why care about their opinion?!! If God gave you the opportunity, He will give you the words also. Look at them with love & pity them, for indeed they are in a very sad situation, to be exposed to Christ’s enormous love & still be entangled with the petty things of life. It is SAD!! Jealous people are people who aren’t aware of God’s love. If they were aware they’d have been happy with whatever God provides. Never say “No” to an opportunity to try something new again. Just do it as a practice, ’cause you never know what the future brings.

    You know, (just a side note), this service I told you about that I used to do for poor kids & people at my church stopped it. This service was mainly teaching. We were teaching them languages, maths & computer skills. Before that I have never been a teacher!! I had a hard time helping my own kids with their studies & in general I hated teaching & believed I would never make a good teacher. But when I saw the need in those little poor kids, I thought to myself, if no good teachers are willing to help them, then I’ll do it Lord, I’ll do it for you & I will trust that You, yourself will be teaching them through me. You know what happened I discovered I was a teacher by nature & I never knew it!! And even, after the service stopped at church, this amazingly wonderful job I got as a university teacher was like a reward from God. Also it is an access to students who are needy in other areas of life. They are not poor, but many of them are needy emotional ’cause they have never been exposed to the knowledge of God.

    So, dear Me:) go ahead & try new things & don’t worry or put your hopes on their accepting you as you are, ’cause probably they never will. But this is their problem not yours. You (I mean we) have to accept your condition as someone blessed enough to be an object of jealousy by others, & not let this drag you (we) down to be like them, but to keep succeeding & pushing forward in every aspect of life. I want you to read Genesis 49:22-26 about Joseph & may God help us both be like Joseph. Amen

  155. Last year, I reconnected with an old high school buddy after 21 years. She is 40 and I am 41 now but the honeymoon is already over. My life seems to have turned out stable or upper middle class but hers is unstable. She had health problems this year and I reached out and helped her finacially here and there. I only wanted to help make her life easier and not try to be a show off. However, I always feel this sense of tension between us since she always seems so defensive- she always has to prove something, stir up debates, and win. I now just keep quiet about things that I am in disagreement with her about even though it should not be an issue if I have a differing opinion. I have let it roll since it has not been that important to me although her attitude really is. Lastly, she always tells me that I don’t know how good I have it but I finally snapped back and said ” I am well of aware of how I have it because I worked for it”. I am very sensitive and my feelings are kind of hurt. I feel that she might be feeling threatened by my accomplishments even though I am careful not to brag. I listen, support, and encourage her on various things in her life. The conversation is always about her life which did not bother me until these other things popped up. She wants to chit chat everynight in long sessions but I only have time on weekends since I have a family and my work. I mentioned this more than one time but she still calls almost every night and now I screen my calls. I genuinely love her but I am feeling this elephant in the room. I am kind of a complicated person in a somewhat “guarded” kinda way and I am on the shy side. I am not really the confrontational or social butterfly type, but I am sincere. When her and I were teenagers, we were very close all through high school and we had lots of memorable adventures. We were best friends until just after she graduated which was a year after I did. Then, I moved away and she married her high school boyfriend (they are still together). Although we have both changed and grew up, it has been nice having her back in my life but I am hoping these issues will not interfere with our renewed friendship. I wish I was better at stuff like this. I do not want to hurt her, but I am trying to gently add boundries now.

  156. Hi skootermonkey,

    It’s odd that those of us who have “made it”, and landed on our feet, almost have to apologize for our successes! I know I have to ‘back peddle’ all the time!

    I, too, have a couple of ‘old friends’ who are struggling to get by. I have to be very careful not to talk about my life too enthusiastically. It’s a shame because I like to share too and feel proud of my accomplishments. It’s only normal to want to do that! But I keep my mouth shut. :)

    Even many of my family members resent me for ‘what I have’. Some of them have dropped out of my life. I still send them cards, call occasionally, but feel the distance when we talk. We have little in common anymore. That is the biggest problem of all. We live in different ‘worlds’.

    I know we (”haves”) can come across as bragging, as snobs, as not understanding ‘where they are’, etc.. Who would have guessed this separation would have happened?

    Like you, I have worked VERY HARD to get to this place in my life, taken a lot of ‘crapola’ to get to here! Also, like you, I am very sensitive and never walked on anybody to get ahead. I share all I can (financially and otherwise) with those that I care about.

    Honestly, this separation happened before I even knew it was happening! I do remember some of the decisions my friends and relatives were making, along the way, and I felt mistakes were being made. There were times that I made suggestions to them (to choose differently) but they wouldn’t listen. Oh well…

    In your case, I think the “gentle boundaries” that you are setting is a good idea. She does not think very logically if she calls you every night (almost pestering) when you have asked her not to! It sounds like she is ‘pushing’ you a bit…maybe testing your allegiance to her.

    Our wonderful memories, in high school, etc., do linger, but some of our old friends never leave that era, that way of behaving/thinking. It’s hard to move on, come to terms with that loss, but, sometimes, we just have to.

    Good luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on making your life work!!!

  157. Dear Petperson,
    Thank you for responding to me, you made my day. You hit it on the head when you said, “We have little in common anymore. That is the biggest problem of all. We live in different ‘worlds’. Yes, that seems to be sadly true. You also mentioned that some people “never left that era,”….well said. I am sorry that your success was not celebrated, especially with your own family. When your family looks at your success, they see how their own lives do not measure up. Even though this is not at all your fault, they are threatened when they should be feeling extremely proud of you. People will try to pull you down but you do not owe them jack. You deserve to feel good about your achievements.
    Thanks for cheering me up!!

  158. You are so welcome, Skootermonkey!

    This is a great site to vent! :) Your situation just reminded me so much of what I’m going through. There are no easy answers, we just have to evaluate each situation and be as kind as possible when resolving them. :

  159. I’m just wondering if I should be friends with my best friend. Recently she said that I dress old fashioned and that I need to do something about that. Then I said I really like that guy and she said totally go for it, not that I needed her permission. So we were getting on pretty well this guy and me one night we all went out. We were going to stay at my friends at the end of the night in the taxi she said and you can f@# off home so I did. He went inside with her and thats when they both stabbed me in my back. I’m more upset with my friend though because I would not do that to any one I’m friends with. It’s all about her she can’t understand why I’m upset with her! People have said well you should still be friends because girls friends are more important than boyfriends etc. I just look at her and feel pain and anger. In fact its hard to look at her. She also wants me to hang out with her and the guy I don’t think so! Should I get over it or ditch her?

  160. Laura,

    Normally I don’t respond to the postings unless I feel really compelled to do so, and when I saw your posting I really wanted to help you by giving you some sound advice. I realize that people should forgive others for their mistakes and overlook their faults to a point, but I think this “friend’s” behavior towards you is completely unacceptable. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you, and she has obviously learned from you somehow that you will allow her to treat you that way. Life is too short to decide how long you will allow someone to continually mistreat you. The fact that you had to even ask if you should get over it or ditch her says that you need to do some soul searching to figure why you would even want to continue to try to be a friend to someone who is obviously not interested in being a friend to you. I say forgive her, but get on with your life and make new friends with people who wouldn’t dream of treating you that way. Trust me, pray and ask God to help you with your own issues and ask Him for true friends and He will do it.

  161. Laura,

    This is not a friend. Anyone who treats you like that is ‘nasty’. Look for people who are more thoughtful, kind.

    She is out for herself, period.

  162. Same here. I have a relative who, when we were younger, graduated a year or so before me and obviously is only a few years older then me. Well all through our childhood I’ve been voted captin of pretty much every organization her and i have been involved in, and she would always come up second best to me.
    So in order for her to compensate for the fact that she feels her ‘leadership’ qualities have been challenged my be, she would always bring up college, and the fact that she can drive. I guess i understand why she would feel inadequate, but she would always go to extreme levels.

    For example, she would always sit in front of me in this seminar we always went to and hold her purse or new wallet up [in my clear view] so i could ee it, or always say things like been there, done that, when theres barely 2 years between us. We are a tight knit family so theres no avoiding her. Though ive been playing along in this little power struggle game for years, im maturing and not caring. Im 27 and shes 29. I guess some peoople never mature and feel the need to outshine others to get their spotlight. Its honestly sad.

  163. I stumbled across your post on accident and this is what I have to say and this is what the truth is:

    You are not alone in having a good life, good things, and overcoming adversity. I would say every other person you meet, including the people you already know, are in the same “going good boat” that you are. Difference is called humility. Most people who have good fortune don’t talk about it. When other people talk abut their good fortune, it is confusing and seems phony. Mature people usually respond to a bragging person by playing along, but it becomes draining to always feel obligated to play the jealous one. You may not realize it, but subconsciously you may be backing people into a corner where they have to acknowledge your good fortune often. I know this from personal experience. I have been on both sides. I worked very hard to get where I am, but it doesn’t do my fiends any favor to talk about it. The problem with people like us, who had a tough time overcoming hardships, is that we will always see ourselves as what we could have been (crap) and we try to put it out of our minds by constantly looking at our acheivments and leaving everyone else in that crap category.
    Look at it this way:
    What made you want to get a job? What made you want to sing? Get married? What made you want to join the church? Look around you. You have role models everywhere, you aspired to be like them, and you triumphed. Now get off your pedestal and walk on the same even ground as them. You didn’t over come anyone, you are at their level. Chill out, stop overcompensating. Have the capacity to see through others eyes and live in their shoes. Sometime hardship makes us all-knowing, other times it makes us ignorant. I would say your case is the latter.
    You should spend more time asking others about their live’s and their personal story. Maybe you could learn from them.

    Hope things get better, and I’m sure if you take any of my humble advice a very caring group of ladies will enjoy your company, *as you will theirs*.

  164. Audrey & all-
    Maybe I am confused. I posted one or two comments quite awhile ago on this site and I follow this, (but have not comment since) because I struggle with how to handle jealous people- I mean is it “we teach people how to treat us,” or “we don’t control others behavior,” or “we draw people into our lives who are like us,” or “everyone projects,’ or “because we think we’re crap (judgment) we think others are crap (judgment)- WOW-I mean it has to be “my boundaries” or some “part that is mine,” something I need to do differently??- I haven’t seen any ignorant people on this site- confused by abusive jealous people- yes; attempting to figure out how to handle abusive judgmental jealous people- yes; people generally victimized by circumstances and jealousy and trying to overcome- yes; its hard when all you’ve ever dealt with is abuse (crap) to get to a place where you can see it and then receive from “caring people” let alone see caring people and when abuse is the name of the game and jealousy is allowed to fester abuse happens and when you finally “overcome” in whatever way that is for you in whatever category and you begin to see the jealousy and have to make choices about people and their behavior- it is hard- the whole point of this site, if I understand has been to understand and “live in the shoes” of the jealous person- but who can stand against jealousy let alone understand it? WOW- I encourage myself on my “pedestal of accomplishment” that i do not apologize for as I “listen” to all of your stories- venting is what allows all of us to process our stories so that we can “finally” make room for others so that we can give and receive form them and cope with whatever comes our way in terms of people or circumstances- its hard when you’re in a “low” position to always understand how it is for others- but why succumb to the temptation to be jealous? A person’s value is not in their accomplishments and I don’t think I’ve ever heard that on this site- favoritism/discrimination/jealousy/arrogance says more about the person who has that problem and not the “lower” status person and I don’t think anyone here is saying that- the point is I thought that we all understand that we are on level ground (in terms of value) so why the jealousy, destruction, favoritism, discrimination at accomplishment or lower status?- Hmm- I haven’t heard people talk about their accomplishments or suggest that they are discussing their accomplishments with others- when others are too immature to handle your “situation” whatever it is (high or low) they say/do stupid, ignorant, hurtful abusive things or they ignore you- I have finally come to see that jealous people actually hate you (and themselves or not) and since I have no positive influence on people who hate me so that there is no way I can help them with their own self hatred I have to get away. I guess I am confused by your advice Audrey? And I want to thank all of you for being brave enough to share your stories, process and listen to mine- you have reinforced my hunches and as a result I have been able to grow in this area so thank you

  165. Same here, Julie. I certainly have not been the type of person to brag about my accomplishments-just the opposite. In fact, I’ve felt the need to hide good news or accomplishments from some people. I first posted on here quite a while ago, also, right after another hurtful situation with a friend stabbing me in the back, in the front, whatever. What I’ve learned during my time following this thread is that jealous people are a fact of life and lots of people have suffered because of them. Just knowing that lots of people have this problem made me feel better. Knowing it is the jealous persons problem, and not something wrong with me has been a great relief. I encountered a situation yesterday with a new person in my sphere and I realized right away that she is a very competitive person and that it is not my problem. In the past I would have thought “what did I do wrong to attract that.” This time I just thought, “Wow, she’s half my age, rich, talented, beautiful and she’s jealous of me. Cool.”

  166. Julie and Rocy,

    I belong to this ‘ladies forum’ and many of the women have huge problems…cheating husbands, divorce, kids on drugs, weight issues, etc., etc. Occasionally, a woman will join in with descriptions of her great life expressing all the fabulous things she has, etc.
    A woman, just yesterday, described her island lifestyle in an exotic location, all of her family and friends living close by, shopping sprees, the village, ocean and well, it sounded like paradise!!! Lol Even I was even I was feeling jealous!!
    I have a great life and hold back on this forum because I don’t want to ‘rub it in’ how great my life is (although my life is not paradise!). I do think those of us who are more fortunate do have to pay attention to who we are talking to. Those who are less fortunate need our support not our bragging.
    When we have a ‘peer’ who is competitive and openly jealous (we can feel/see this behavior) then, I think we can take the gloves off! Lol Or better yet, walk away from such nonsense and poor behavior!

    We can all feel jealousy because we are human, but those of us who are emotionally intelligent enough, see it for what it is and drop it before it festers! :)

  167. Well, I keep ending up here again and again. Hi everyone!!! :) The latest in my life is that my brother came to visit me - I live across the city in a big metropolis - and when he went home he told a bunch of my relatives that I was over the top and that I brag about myself and that he “had to put (Mattie) in her place.” (He had gotten on my case, claiming I hog the conversation.) Wow. Same vicious cycle. First off, I hardly talked about myself at all and purposely did not share recent good news (an academic award) and just basically spent the entire visit being so self-deprecating that it made me sick!! I felt weird if I even said, “This place does a great (name of dish)” My bro would look at me like, “who the hell are you and what do you know?” (The back story is that my brother never went to college and has not traveled, so I very rarely speak of my studies, my job, my experiences. I have to keep conversation limited to our mom or my bro’s life - or the conversation gets changed in short order. My family has always been down on me and anyone else who gets an education for being “high-faluting.” You get the picture.) When I heard the news I was immediately filled with a horrible shame - like maybe I really am a braggardly, egotistic terrible person who is full of herself. Honestly, I just can’t imagine. I spent the whole trip just being in fear of bringing any attention to myself because I knew how it would turn out.

    So here I am, back to the same conclusion. As I read some of the recent posts, I don’t think that we behave in a way that makes people jealous - because not everyone is a jealous person. I think that some of us probably attract those kinds of people again and again - because of whatever demons we need to work out. As I’ve pointed out here before - for me, it is a way of sabotaging myself and keeping myself small. (I got totally nauseated when I learned about the academic honor - I had a primal reaction of fear - of being mocked and criticized, etc. I know it’s irrational, but that is how my mind reacts - my family can be very cruel at times and as hard as I’ve worked there are still moments when I feel deep shame for doing something well - or for standing out.)

    I don’t think that getting rid of these people is necessarily the only way to break the cycle. I think that at least in my case, learning to withstand the fear/rejection/cruelty is the key.

  168. Oops - that’s “I live across the country in a big metropolis” _I wish we could edit this stuff!

  169. Editing would be great since mistakes do happen! :)

    If you figure out how to “withstand the fear/rejection/cruelty” of jealous friends and family, please post your solution! Personally, I don’t think we ever get over the ’sting’ it all.

  170. Sorry Mattie, Thats frustrating. Since it is family, I know that it makes it more difficult. I agree that we do attract these people for some reason. My experience has been that some people like your qualities so much, they are attracted to you, they feel deep shame, then they are destructive and try to tear you and themselves down. Same thing keeps happening to me over and over. I just want to meet guy friends my age that dont act like twelve year olds.

    This dynamic could be happening as well- All people like to be respected, its human nature and we feel isolated if we feel disrespected. These people will give or feel some admiration for you, then take it away for no reason, leaving you feeling confused, slighted, shamed, and isolated. Naturally, you might try to overcompensate because you might think that it was something that you did, so you might try a little harder. At this point, they have found some insecurity and weakness to go off of and they are quick to exploit it and accuse you of “bragging” or whatever. Over time, its easy to get into the habit of trying to overcompensate and this kind of dynamic continues again with another person because the last situation has hurt you and caused you pain.

    We live in a culture where we build up “narcissists” with tons of admiration and then tear them down and shame them (ex. Britney Spears). People use shame to hurt and control people. Its a sick situation, but a lot of people are not comfortable with other people getting ahead and living a real life. Little do they know that there is plenty of resources and abundance and respect and admiration in the world. You just have to “not take the bait” the next time someone comes along and gives you the signals that they are able to engage in a mutually respectful relationship. Choose your friends and set up good boundaries or this stuff will eat at you from the inside out. People are generally intelligent and they will find clever ways to shame you.

    I have experienced a lot of this kind of thing myself my entire life. Growing up as a teenager, boys were mean to me because I was good looking and girls liked me. I tried really hard to earn their respect, but not really having any strong male influences in my life to begin with, I just didnt know how to handle it. I became very depressed and spent many years dealing with this same thing and the depression. My self worth plummeted and continually felt isolated and cut off, my social skills, which werent very good from the start, never really blossomed and my depression became worse. I just kept studying and doing well in school and that kept my mind occupied, but I just had this big hole in my life. Its felt like people have always tried to make my life hard for no reason and Im just starting to realize what has been happening now. Im currently taking steps to get out of this and Im starting see improvements in my life and outlook. I just ended a friendship with one of these guys because he was like this, and I will be myself before I keep feeding this sick pattern with this kind of person. There are a lot of healthy people that are willing to have mutual respect with us. Its especially challenging to come from an unhealthy background or family though. These patterns are deep.

  171. Thanks Josh and Petperson - I appreciate your feedback!

    Josh, I think you hit the nail on the head with regard to people spotting my weakness. I’ve been told by more than one good friend that I am often too forgiving and that I need to stand up for myself. I tend to meekly (in my personal life) or stoically (in my professional life) back away when I am targeted. My family is close enough see the meek side and they bully. In my professional life, people tend to react in a passive-aggressive manner. I think the icy-ness just angers people more (it’s my own passive-aggressive move.) Either way, the unconscious - recently conscious - fear of backlash has made it harder and harder for me to enjoy my accomplishments and the current result is a very deep burnout (all work and no joy.)

    I also liked what you said about being yourself before “feeding the sick pattern.” It’s funny how sometimes, we have to learn to be ourselves - that is, to develop new ways of being that allow our authentic self out. I’ve noticed this sick, nauseated feeling when I encounter one of these envy-monsters and I am guessing that my “true” self is finding it harder to stomach the junk. (Interesting that you also mention being “eaten from the inside out!” “Fed up” is how I’ve been describing it in my journals - all of these eating metaphors!! )

    I am sorry that your teen years were bad. I think those years are terrible for a lot of us - teens probably just have fewer controls - and are only expressing what adults submerge. Good for you for ejecting that so-called friend out of your life!

    So, tonight as I write, I am thinking that perhaps it’s just a matter of finding a new set of tools. (When I had to learn how to say “no,” and stop being a people-pleaser, it seemed impossible at first - but then I forced myself to do it, armed myself with a few phrases for the surprise-situations, and presto!) So, maybe there is hope!! I will certainly post if I get any zinger ideas, Petperson!

    In the meantime, thanks again, everyone!!!

  172. ps. to Josh - On your remarks regarding the societal phenomenon of building up/tearing down, you have to check out South Park’s episode “Britney’s New Look” !

  173. Just want to add one more ‘little bit’ to this conversation. :)

    In this very interesting, often tumultuous, life we are living there are people who are RELATERS in relationship, often female, and those who are mostly TASK ORIENTED (get the job done), mostly male.

    Those of us who are relaters look for sincere connection with people, emotional, psychological, intuitive, ‘on the same page’ vibrations! Task oriented people look at the project/job in front of them, they are ‘nuts and bolts people’ and are totally clueless as to why they need to,say…smile, or make eye contact or even respond. They don’t give the impression that they ‘care’ about you or your life…what’s bothering you, etc.! They do care (in their own way) and show it by the work they do for you. They show their ‘love’ through tasks…how odd is that?!! The typical scenarios is the father who works himself to death to provide for his family, but dies without ever saying “I love you”.

    So, in this mix of weirdness we try to get along…make sense of it all!! What a ‘joke’ the ‘gods’ have played on us!!! :)

  174. I am really glad you could share this experience as I cried my eyes out all day over a jealous friend who I finally told “that’s enough” and I had many years of jealous comments often shrouded with “I’m only joking”. In the end it was actions of my friend not the comments that told me the hurtful truth that she was jealous and didn’t value my friendship. It came to the crunch point when I realised I didn’t want to share the news I was pregnant because she would probably be jealous of that too.
    What a hard painful lesson to learn in life and wow, you have solicited many great responses from those who have learnt to deal with such jealous “friends”

  175. So sorry, True,

    Our friends are often not our friends and it hurts.

    “This too shall pass” is one of my favorite sayings. Time and a new baby will distract you from this pain…eventually, you will meet someone (a friend) who is sincere and caring. You know what to look for now.

    Perhaps you could join a ‘new mother’s group’. You would find lots to talk about, compare notes, etc. Meetup.com has many great groups…check it out.

    Good luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby! Hugs!

  176. I told my church house group how I met my fiancé and they through jealousy had me kicked out of it a few days later, no happiness , no congrats, just revenge, so much for church and love and friends, they was angry not happy for me. I am quite gutted and horrified.
    I am just horrified, I am a very good person. No Let’s Celebrate, nothing. Just Hate

  177. Wow Elaine- I’m sorry for that- sometimes you just have to wonder what is going on? Sometimes all you can do is pray for your enemies. Well this church going Christian says CONGRATS!!

  178. Thanks so much everyone,

    I had a very bad day today because of a self-centered “frenemy” who, after I had just recently done her a huge favor, coldly and nastily refused to do a tiny favor for me.

    It was the way in which she turned me down - in this irritable, sour, entitled way.

    I mentioned what had happened to another person who also knows her. This person is arguably my closest “friend” where I live - and whose cat I had just very lovingly taken care of while she was overseas with a sick family member.

    She just listened to me and said this half word/half sound that is sort of like. “Hmmm” but more like Huhm. And “wow.” Then “Huhm” again. I wish I had audio here because it’s actually more “Huh” the way it sounds but not “Huh” like a question but a statement. This very non-committal response that makes you feel worse than no response at all. It’s like the sound you make when you are letting the other person know you’re not on their side.

    I am so frequently disappointed by friends who I think are jealous and cold and will do anything rather than just show some loyalty and warmth to me.

    I just feel so sad tonight - and I’m not a kid. I love having friends and having fun and it seems so impossible. People -esp. women friends - can be so bitchy. It seems impossible for me to inspire loyalty in them.

    I feel like writing this friend off. I’ve known her for 5 years and often feel upset by her. She can be nice, that’s the thing, and can be supportive. As long as she feels like it.

    Anyway I’m rambling but I was upset all day. I have the jealous bully sister from hell and it was helpful to read some of these posts from people who have had similar patterns. People think I’m tough yet I have a passive side that tolerates these bullies the way I tolerated my sister.

    Thanks for listening.

    Bronwyn

  179. Hi Bronwyn,

    I’m sorry about your bad day. :( Friends certainly can seem to be fickle, no doubt.They hurt us and I don’t think it is always on purpose, just thoughtless and often very low emotional intelligence.

    I do feel that giving lots of space is better than cutting the friendship completely off. Be politely busy, at times, and give them time to reflect and miss you!

    It is hard to find friends, especially as we grow older. I have been somewhat sorry that I have let some friends go. I feel like I could have allowed space and still enjoyed their company, (every-now-and-then), but I chose to sever all ties.I was younger and made some pretty rash decisions.

    Well, come back here and vent! We have all had similar experiences and understand what you are going through. Big hug!

  180. I have also hade my share of disappointing friends

  181. I have also had my share of disappointing friends. There is one friend specifically that has been in my life for over 20 years and has not been very supportive over the years. I lost my job last year and have had difficutly find a good job. I told my friend that I decided to make a career change and go back to school. Instead of saying something positive she remarked that I would not suceed in the field that I was pursuing. It was as if she wanted me to fail.

    I knew my friend was jealous when I met my future husband on the Internet. She told me that it would never work that I was not good enough for him. One year later we were engaged and married within 8 months. When I showed her my engagement ring I could see how jealous she was. My husband and I built a beautiful new house on a nice piece of property in a really desirable town. She said that I shouldn’t spend any more money on the house that the neighborhood was old and began saying other negative things about my house. Every time I talk about the wonderful things in my life she would cut me off and start talking about her own life. It is obvious that she does not want to hear anything positive about my life. When I’m upset of something she seems happy and will make sure she lets me know how perfect her own life is when I know that it is not true.

    Some of my other friends see her jealous side and comment that she is very competitive and also immature. She always has to be ‘one up” not matter what it is (the house, job, relationship, etc).. She is extremely critical and judgemental of me and I can never do anything right in her eyes.

    Her negative attitude toward me is emotionally draining. I want a friend that I can talk to and lean on for support. She comes across superior but I believe she is actually insecure about herself. I want so badly to tell her how I feel before it gets out of control. What should I do?

  182. hi elaine.

    i think the most effective thing you can do is write her a letter. try to only put 10% of your emotions into it. just be objective in stating all the things you observe her doing. it will scare her b/c she won’t be able to immediatly cut you down or get you to keep your mouth shut when the truth is coming right at her and your not there in face trying articulate everything in the quickest most effective fashion.

    if she goes to any of your mutual friends telling them about this letter i doubt she will be able to get anything out of them (support) since they are already aware of her behavior. either she will distance her for sometime or she will immediatly try to make things right and will walk on egg shells when it comes to things she says to you.

  183. ****you’re not there…***

  184. Hi there, yes Im the same as you,and it does get me down. ever since i whanted to do well eg go to collage, get my own place and get a car. have had friend be really jealouce of me. they have told me there jealouce of me and that they hate me. this happends every where i go. all this jealoucie made me deprest, and will i find friend that like me for me. I think thats the answer, you need friend that like you for you, that respect you, and the fact you have done really well. more than likely the friends that like you, will have the same lifestyle as you. just keep being possitive and go out and meet peolple. you will meet people that are not jelouce o you. but always remember to be yourself and dont let what happend to you in past relationships bother you, and dont bring them into new ones. follow your heart

  185. I feel the same way… I try to reach perfection by portraying Jesus, to love and care for others deeply, and be selfless. I set this standard to myself because it pleases Him, and I don’t intend to please myself or others around me…And because of this oftentimes people see this as my own weakness and sadly, they get jealous or take advantage of me. I feel so lonely and I know it’s not fair. But I realized that it is a matter of choice. We choose to be this way, because we set high standards to ourselves all for the Glory of God. We are not from this world…. Believe me, you are not alone my friend. Let us continue to be happy and grateful for all the gifts bestowed upon us. We are beautiful, intelligent, and very down to earth. We are extra sensitive to the needs of others. Simply because we are good natured people. Ironically, we only have few friends that we can count on, or maybe zero. Atleast we have our husband as bestfriends, because they are our “soulmates”. So no matter what happens, let us continue to be kind and loving and stay at peace with ourselves, and the universe will take good care of us. I believe in good karma. Cheers!.

    Rhea

  186. I know exactly how you feel. I’m in high school though. My one amazing friend was always there for me and then lately she just kind of gave up. I cant even talk to her about any positive thing in my life without her telling me she is jealous or that she hates me or hates herself. She will then go on about how horrible her life is in comparison, and how she hates it. But we can talk about my problems forever, as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with something good.

    The worst thing is she has had such great things happen to her! She is so much better at everything and people generally like her better. It makes me so angry, but I have no idea what to do anymore!

  187. I can’t live a full life, in a respirated coma, smh!!!..Although, love is said to be unconditonal - - - - HATE is not to be tolerated by NO means..There are extremely real issues going on outside our homes/apts and if you can’t have a “friend” who’s absolutely loving then that’s an enemy of the state of one’s well being as to War is to the Earth..Destroying a beautiful creation…
    I just want to say, if your burdened by someone else’s low self-esteem and have been trying to encourage them for many of years, for me, over 14years - yet, they always revert back to the negative. No, matter how much of a friend you are (just like a drug addict) they have to want to get help. There’s only so much you can do/help for a friend until you begin to lose focus and yourself in the process. Playing your hard earned achievements down, not being able to share the bad with the good, joy/pain, it’s a balance. There true purpose for being/having a friend to begin with. IF, you’re giving more than receiving, then you are in fact a muse/used for the sole purpose to build the selfish leeches “drug” habit and that is, to suck your soul/spirit/body/mind dry for them to smile, wow! The devil is a liar. I’ve helped and have my own life/self to work on, so how can, I, HELP, YOU?!! I’m still God’s child learning, but you are stunting my/our growth. It’s not anyone’s fault friend/family/stranger for THEIR insecurities (it belongs to the person). DON’T allow anyone to abuse/misuse/molest your being (forgiveness is a must, but your not a doormat). YOur health/body/inner force is all you have….Save URself from pain/agony/dishonor and the disease that eats away at your flesh called cancer OR you’ll be terminally/externally/internally ill. Pettiness deserves no attention nor entertainment. What do YOU want from ME that YOU don’t even give/look/feel for URSELF — it’s sad to be alone but being unhappy is crippling..The best thing you can do is pray for one’s healing..ONLY the MOST HIGH heals all deep past flesh to bone wounds..PEace, love & happiness is what WE need. Learn, Inspire, Teach, Plant,Grow and Breathe!!! After all that’s the way was/is meant to be..(I feel everyone’s confusion, but it’s not UR delusion/illusion)..

    Take care & be blessed

  188. hey friends :)
    i have also a same kind of problems. well i have moved to another country and it’s been almost 5 years. i have learned the language and go to school. And i’m always active in school works even i wasn’t born in this country but learnd fast language…. yeah everyone in my class are good friends..But one girl of my class often gets jealous of me…i don’t know why she treats me so rudly sometimes….like when i get good marks in exams then she says like ‘OH yeah! because you are such a talent girl’ and rolls her eyes and…i mean not only on tht way at watever..like my dressup,my pictures…and or watever i say…she teases meh!! ….everyone says that i am very goodlooking girl and a talent girl…..and she says that i do copy form others…like others style or others dressup and stuffs….but i hate it! i copy some goodthings from others..i try to learn some goodthings from others…but she always have a negative thinking for me? :S……. i hate when my friends gets mad at me or i hate to see them unhappy! ……..anyway i wanna make her smile and wanna make her understand that i am her good friend…and wanna ask her ….what’s wrong with meh? why she hates meh? what can i do ????????…….plz help meh…how can i be her good friend)))????

  189. Hi,

    I read your post and some of the comments. I too, stuggle with some of this type of stuff. I dont know how to handle it, but I do my best.

    I was friends with a girl for 7 years. We became best friends for a while, we both are competitve horse back riders and moved to the same barn. Things got a little too intense. She was constantly blowing up my email or phone with accomplishments of her riding. All which I was proud about, but it got to be too much. It got to the point where she was publicly displaying on my facebook her accomplishments and then posting things like “what are you doing with your life now?”….like we dont talk everyday. She even got to the point of posting on her profile how her friend was jealous of her (meaning me). It was just riduclous. I finally called her and ask her if anything was wrong and that if it was something I said I apoligized. She never called me back. Thing have been weird ever since.

    I once questioned her…a honest question about her job title. She took it the wrong way and this is what started it all. I honestly just was curious, but I understand that maybe it could be interpreted the wrong way.

    We still see eachother a lot, she moved to the barn I moved to (I moved to get away from her and preserve what was left of the friendship before it got ugly). Its gotten worse, she seems to almost “steal” my friends. A group of people I was once friends with no longer really talks to me since she started hanging out with them. I dont know what to do. If anyong has any ideas that would be great. Typically, I just smile and try to be nice. I compliment her when I can, but she still finds someway to laugh at me or rub it in how she went to a party with what used to be my friends.

    Any advice, please. Wonder if I should leave my barn.

  190. Jean…

    it sounds like you’re being single white female’d/ this girl might be a sociopath.

    call a few of your friends and plan something in advance. not all of them just some of them so you can spend time with them with out making it obvious that you didn’t want her to be there. if, while you are all spending time together, they bring up that she said a or b about you and it’s not true…don’t get mad just politely and calmly say no and say something positive about her or just finish that topic off with something positive. not so much in a way like you’re trying to uplift yourself, just make it appear that you didn’t realize that there was any sort of conflict with regards to that girl (even though she’s bringing drama to your life).

    she may also be a narcissist who’s trying to devalue what you do, because she see you as competition and has to be where you are to compete with you and come out the victor and have your friends like her more than you so that in her head she can feel that she’s better than you.

  191. Hi everyone, great thread, very interesting and relevant topic I find, which I came acrosse given I have the same dilemna, which I have being trying to figure out, even though I rationally know what’s going on, emotionally, it’s not so easy to really accept, one of those things you wish was different. And I really have asked myself all the questions I could think of, down to, am I narcissistic, condenscending, arrogant, harsh, inconsiderate? you name it…. but although I won’t say I don’t make any mistakes or am never blind to others sensitivities or insecurities, I know for a fact that I truly feel affection for those I call my friends and want to see them do well, NOT BADLY!!!! But what it comes down to is this I believe, and many of you have touched it, you seem to be quite a bunch of smart, sensitive and well spoken people…

    People, in general, are like bags full ‘o crap!!! loll…sorry if I sound harsh, but it’s true!!!! all the neuroses, the pain and suffering from their pasts, their blindness towards themselves, their ignorance and their unconscious unadmitted or admitted shame about their short comings…and they tend to try and compensate unconsciously or not, through a million pretenses, or by pointing fingers at others peoples faults, be true or fabricated…

    When someone they consider “at their level”, their social status… seems happier then them, more successful then them, it feels to them like a poke in the bag o’ crap, and makes them smell it, feel it, become aware of their feelings of unfulfillement, which leads them to try to compensate again by feelings of resentment or twisted fault finding such as blatant projection “oh she/he is so full of it, how arrogant, how pretentious, trying to show off and pretend how happy/successful/fulfilled, he/she is” , it’s actually ironic, hilarious and very childish when you really see it for what it is.

    And one last thing I want to say is this… these people are in the dumps and in a rut and in the dark and in the grip of SELF-PITY(the underlying and hidden root of it all), psychologically and emotionally speaking and are in a position of weakness and I believe , it is up to us who are more aware of our own personal crap, to the point of taking responsability for ourselves and thus finding true hapiness in our lives to find the strength to forgive and consider the bleek/obscure/paralysing situation these people are in, and although we cannot take responsibility for their own lives, we should at least, not resent them for it and try to help them shed light and acquire some true hapiness in their lives at a rate they can digest, but we should not let their smallness/pettiness hold us back from living out our own joy and affection, although we can be careful not to flaunt it too much if we see it makes them suffer. Because you see, one of the most misunderstood things in this day and age is this:

    YOU EVOLVE BY BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES AND WEAK LINKS, AND THIS IS ALWAYS DIFFICULT AND UNENJOYABLE AT FIRST, FOR ANYONE, ADMITTING ONES OWN FAULTS IS A BITCH! PEOPLE NOWADAYS ARE INTO PLEASURE AN ENTERTAINEMENT AND SHORT TERM GRATIFICATION AND TRY TO PHASE OUT ANYTHING UNPLEASANT FROM THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING TRUE SELF AWARENESS, BUT AS THE SAYING GOES:

    “PUT YOUR **** ON THE TABLE, THAT WAY YOU WILL STOP WALKING IN IT”

    Hope this helps, it is a true real phenomenon, you all aren’t imagining it!!!!

    Have a great day everyone, a great week, a great life!!!

    with affection.

    S.E.O.D.

  192. Hi SEOD,

    I read your post with interest. You make many good points! :)

    It looks like there are many of us in the ’same boat’. I guess we have to ‘deal’, but it is hard to realize, emotionally, that jealousy is rampant.

    Your ‘no-nonsense’ approach, but with a kind heart, is a fine way to approach this jealous friend thing!

    I wish you the best and thanks for all you expressed, very interesting!

  193. Wow - I love that expression: “Put your sh*t on the table, that way you will stop walking in it…” And I heartily agree with many of your points. Thanks for your great post, S.E.O.D. !!

  194. Well I dont have to say anything…you ladies have said it all..and we go around thinking we are unique! lol. Do I walk around and tell these women lies?? or not talk? If someone asks..anybody ever been to Europe? I say yes…then they ask where…so I tell the truth. at first they say great…but tell them more than one city..and forget it. The faces fall. I saw one girl roll her eyes. FU honey..yes I did spend 18 days in Rome..Yes I did sail to Venice..yes I do own my own sailboat yes I did graduate at the top of my class…yes i did quit smoking..yes I did..yes I did…yes I did and you didnt. Well its not my fault you didn not but its my hard WORK that I did. Let me tell you what else I did. When you told me you went on a trip I cheered your every related moment. I looked at every photo you took. I noted all the new outfits you wore…and the weather! how pretty your hair looked ..how refreshed the vacation made you look..and asked multiple times if you had a good time. FU! Yes I am married almost 50 years and you have been divorced twice. FU! I am done with your jealousy. Stop cutting your hair like a man’s, put on makeup even if you are just going to the store and stop wearing shirts with food stains on the front! and try BEING a friend instead of being JEALOUS of one!

  195. Matte… LOVED it

    : )

  196. Hi Mattie,

    Your post came across loud and clear! Lol This is a great place to vent about our jealous friends! ;)

    Even though my ‘friends/family’ ask about my successes, I only tell them part of whatever is happening and always add a….but this is the sad part so that they can ‘hook’ on to that…they always do. :( It’s interesting. Like, “we had a wonderful trip, but had a flat tire!” Lol
    I never go into many details about my relationship, with my husband…how great it is, etc. The jealousy just washes over them and don’t really want to hurt anyone, so I always tame down my enthusiasm!
    I think the big shame is that I cannot share my life with so many people. I want to shout from the rooftops about my great life and can’t. Too much jealousy out there! Oh well….
    Like many of you, I am so attentive when they are sharing their successes, happy times, etc., but I can’t help but think…why can’t you do this for me??
    I went out with a gal friend, yesterday, and every time I would say ANYTHING, she would charge in with her own ’stuff’ around anything I said! (example We just got a new kitten and she is so adorable…she charges in..”Oh, my grand daughter has the most adorable kitten, her name is cookie…they take her everywhere they go…blah, blah, blah! Did she asked me what kind of kitten I got, what is her name, when did you get her? Oh no…it’s all about her!! And this is with anything/everything I bring up!

    I have to allow weeks to pass before I can put myself into this greedy scenario, again…makes me sick as I type this. I’ve walked away from other, similar ‘friends’, in the past. There are a lot of women and men too, who cannot, will not listen. Sharing is not part of their thinking or in their hearts. Ugh. I understand why some people become ‘loners’!

    Well, if you, or anybody else out there, wants to share happy or sad times, trips, relationship, promotions, children pets, etc. do it here! :)

  197. Hi - I just wanted to send shout outs to all of you who commented on my posts and say THANKS - you made my day! Thank you so much for the support and your insights. And to the other posters - great posts! One day, I want to read this entire thread from beginning to end. We are all amazing. :)

  198. Wow, what a great site this is. So many of you are so wise and have great things to say. I feel so bad for some of you who have gone through horrific things at the hands of so-called friends. I, too, have a story, but some of the stories here make seem minor. It’s obvious that jealousy is not just for junior high, it goes on through college and waaay past college.

    It makes me wonder why as a society we encourage young people to get educations, get good jobs, get success, marry well, look their best, use cosmetics, buy nice clothes, eat healthy, exercise, read all the ladies magazines with tips in them, watch tv shows about health and beauty, etc., when if we DO succeed in all that — we’ll be jealousy targets! I do think we should all be our best and NOT be fakily self-depricating to earn “friends,” but success DOES come at a cost: the loss of so-called “friends.” No real loss, however.

    Jealousy started with The Fall, when Cain killed Abel. It will continue until the end of civilization as we now know it. Jealousy believes that if someone else HAS something that it automatically SUBTRACTS from what we have, as if there are limited resources. Jealousy ignores the truth of the fact that we can ALL have and ALL be our best and it won’t take anything away from anyone. IOW, jealousy is based on a lie. As many of you have experienced, only the truth makes one free, and many of you have been freed from the notion that some of your friends were actually your friends. So, although you may be lonely, it sure beats the alternative!

    I noticed that a lot of you consider your husbands to be your best friends and are not too concerned that you have cut ties with various frenemies — I think God INTENDED for husbands and wifes to be best friends. I’m not sure WHY tv shows seem to imply that having women friends is so important, you can see the implication in almost all television directed at women. But the reality is that MOST women are insecure and jealous of anyone they consider prettier than them. And most women who are insecure band together as a group of “friends” in order to trash those they are jealous of to make themselves feel better. Ever wonder why the extremely attractive women are loners? Even if they are nice and TRY to be self-depricating and fit in with groups of women, they get pushed out by the evil, jealous bunch. In today’s busy world, particularly married women with children only need one or two good friends — there’s not time for much more anyway — and they should always be willing to cut them loose if they learn they are jealous women and go without women friends for a time, until they find secure ones.

    Why are we surprised to learn that not only “friends” but family members such as moms, sisters, cousins and aunts are capable of being jealous too? After all, they are just typical women too. Granted, it shouldn’t be that way!

    We are obviously living in the Last Days (check local headlines and the news any hour…), and the Bible was clear that in the Last Days according to 2 Timothy 3:1-5: “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men [AND WOMEN] shall be lovers of their ownselves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers [PARTICUILARLY IF YOU’RE PRETTIER THAN THEM OR HAVE EVEN A SMIDGEN OF SELF-CONFIDENCE], incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good [AND/OR ATTRACTIVE], traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof.”

    I think from hearing your stories of woe it’s clear many of us have been victims of the negativity growing in our world in these Last Days, in the form of jealous “friends.” I say, it’s much better to have no friends for a time, then frenemies.

  199. Great post Mustang Sally!
    Everything you said is true.

    I work with women mostly. I don’t like to work with 100% females because of jealousy. I prefer working with men or a mix both in age and race.

    I am the oldest woman there and everyone else is under 30. At first they were nice with me but once they found out how old I was they weren’t so nice anymore.which was interesting why age was so important to them. I find it to be ridiculous however I look younger than all of them, most of the time I’m mistaken for mid twenties bit I’m actually 40.
    They’ve also formed clicks reminiscent of high school. And I unfortunately had gone to an all-girls which scarred me to some extent. Or just made me cautious making friendships with women and all the more wiser. I do have women friend bur I’m highly selective. Women who are not cliquish, down to earth and they’ve been through stuff so there’s understanding and empathy.
    The ladies at my job have none of those qualities. They’re competitive and gossipers. Added to all this I have a masters and I’m a single mom. I don’t if other women are jealous of how I do it. I also do much more. Other work/personal, business etc.
    I’m hoping to find other work where I’m not faced with this crowd. I am somewhat solo or loner. I’m independent. I’m an adventurer love meeting new people who will add to my life not take. And I don’t discriminate on age either. I don’t think having just women friends is good. The more they heat about your successes and what you have the more their jealousy wants to tear it down. And I frankly just don’t have the time or energy for people like that!

  200. Hi Wonder Woman,

    Working with all women is ‘the pits’! That green eyed monster is rampant in these situations! Plus, having a a cliquish bunch is a double whammy!

    It does sound like you have a lot on the ball and will have no problem finding another position. I hope your new position is with mostly men! They are much easier to work with, at least that has been my experience.

    Good luck to you!!

  201. Dear Wonder Woman:

    Thanks for commenting on my post.

    I wonder if the cooling off you experienced once the other women at work learned your age had to do with the fact that you look much younger, perhaps they are jealous that when they reach your age they already know they won’t look as good, and perhaps they are spooked by the way they under-estimated you when they thought you were younger. IOW, now that they realize you are 40, they realize you must be “hip to their tricks” AND you look to be in your mid-20’s to boot, so you will always be able to infiltrate various groups and learn their dynamics before they realize how wise to their evil tricks you must be!

    Another factor on the job these days is the recession and companies are looking for ways to cut costs and/or staff, and often they make use of the chicken pecking that goes on to do their dirty work FOR them (because they are gutless and soul-less jerks). Some gossipy and clique-y women at work are attuned to this game of management and purposefully seek to learn of management’s like or dislike for various staff in order to pile on or gang up on (it’s called MOBBING) the ones management has lost favor for in order to bolster their OWN “standing” at work. These evil and sickly-savvy gossipy and clique-y women don’t care at all as to WHY managment may no longer favor a certain staffer (perhaps her 401k is about to become 100% vested, perhaps she is reaching a chronological age that may give her an open door to allege age discrimination should it occur, and perhaps they have already made an actionable blunder toward her and are looking to blame/discredit the victim and cut her loose to cut their potential losses, or perhaps the targeted staffer simply earns a good salary and in this recession management would like to switch out that person for a cheaper one).

    These sickly-savvy women also don’t realize that after they have successfully become the tool of soul-less management, THEIR position will be on the chopping block someday in the future…but management is “smart” enough to put enough time between one event and the other so they don’t look connected. The “loyalty” they demonstrated to management will be repaid with betrayal down the road and later they may realize they were just being used by managment to do management’s dirty work. So management sometimes uses the high schoolish gossip/clique chicken pecking phenomenon to achieve their own evil, unfair and (if deteted and documented, actionable) goals.

    I’ve heard that on farms, the NEW chicken is always pecked by the other chickens (sometimes pecked to death). In offices, it may be the new chicken, the smart chicken, the confident chicken and/or the cute chicken (God HELP you if you are all 4). IOW, these office peckers are no better than yardbirds, and actually they are worse b/c they should have a conscience, being humans.

    The fact that you are comfortable and confident enough in yourself to be a loner if need be probably also makes the yardbirds jealous. They simply cannot wrap their brain around the fact that a woman at work doesn’t NEED the group (which THEY evidently cannot LIVE without). They probably also find it “annoying” that you are mature enough not to discriminate on age or sex and are comfortable befriending anyone in any category (as long as they are genuine) and don’t need to put people in a box, be in a clique, gossip, or tear others down to lift yourself up. This is so FOREIGN to them, but hopefully they would aspire to being that mature by the time THEY are 40, and if not, then when do they EXPECT they wold reach maturity - ever?

  202. I understand all these all too well!! I have been let down so much by the ones I was always there to help the most!! I became so disheartened by this and then one day…and I really feel God must have put this in my heart because it was not something that came from me…but this thought I feel was put in my head and it was..
    ” that I needed to continue to treat people the way I would like to be treated, how I think God would want me to treat others because I would be accountable to God one day for my actions and everyone else would be accountable theirs”. Now this didn’t mean that I was supposed to continue to be their doormat. I have been very open about my feelings when I have not been treated right. One supposed friend would go off on me without me even expecting it & scream at me. I forgave her numerous times, but after a while…enough is enough! I am sorry if someone is bi-polar, it still does not give you the right to be verbally abusive to me. I had rather have no friends than to have friends such as that. I found my brother murdered over 9 yrs ago & it has been such an emotional struggle for me!! I don’[t need anything else to bring me down!! I had rather have no friends than to have these toxic friends!! I have learned to enjoy my company & I can keep myself entertained!! Just glad I have the love of my husband & family! Good luck to you all! I can relate & understand all too well. I am very upfront…some people like it & some don’t but I had rather be like that than a backstabber. My granddaughters had sibling jealousy & I told them it is very important to be happy for each other when good things happen. Jealousy is a very bad character trait. None of us are perfect but I had rather someone be upfront with me if they have a problem with something I do…it doesnt mean you have to attack someone, but be honest & hopefully we can work on our own faults. I was told once that I always think I am right..most of us probably do : ) I would never say anything I didn’t think was true or right to begin with. Hugs, love & peace to all of you!!!
    http://www.realage.com/soothe-stress/mind-and-mood/depression-symptoms-signs?src=global_footer

  203. Hi,

    Thanks for all your responses.
    I wanted to add another dynamic to my work situation is that it’s a school that I work at. So even more cliquish as in teacher cliques. I know that it’s time for me to move on whether I stay in education or not I don’t know.
    However one interesting thing is all of the women are fb friends. They all have each others numbers and one woman -I call her the cheerleader-invited me to one of their after work gatherings. I heard one teacher cancelled going because she heard I was invited. Well she said she was going to text me and never did. I was open to going but very hesitant and uncomfortable. Strangely I ran into them oddly enough after I took my daughter to dinner. And she responded with oh how did you find us I never texted you. I mean how crazy is that?
    All I can say is that I stay focused and I know that I will move on from there. They are all so fake. I tease them back in jokingly way too. So they if they’re clever enough to get it that I’m on their stupidity. Like the time when one of the teachers got something from the lounge and an administrator walked and asked why I didn’t get one to. To which I responded that’s because so and so doesntblike me. She wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t look me straight in the eye either when I said that. I don’t get it. I know it’ll always be there but i never did anything to anyone to warrant such treatment!

  204. Dear Wonder Woman: The “high school clique” phenomenon is seemingly definitely stronger where you work in a SCHOOL environment (not that it doesn’t exist to some degree on almost every job where there are women working together). These gals seem to miss their old high school days, so they are continuing to live them out indefinitely at their jobs at this school. They probably don’t like the fact that you don’t want or need to participate in that type of immature behavior. You say you intend to move on when you can — I pray that God gives you the perfect timing and ability to do so on the best possible terms for you. At that point, when someone asks what became of your old job, you will be able to say: “I graduated.!” (I’m afraid those gals will be in remedial classes there forever.)

    Dear Andrea: As a fellow Christian, I agree with your exhortion to treat others the way you would like to be treated, and the way God would have you treat them, and that everyone will be accountable someday for only their own responses/behavior. I certianly don’t condone lashing out in kind (using their same tactics) when mistreated (especially when mistreated by non-Christians who essentially don’t know any other way to behave). But speaking the truth, in love, and being direct (without being hateful) and responding when necessary with righteous anger (as Jesus did in the temple) is appropriate — but we must take each circumstance on a case-by-case basis and follow the Holy Spirit’s leading at the moment. Still, even if you perfectly follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in a given situation and speak the truth in love, the more evil the group or person is, the more they will pretend to be offended and mislabel you. IOW, they may hate you even more for handling the situation with love and maturity! At least you will know you are on the right track, as you will be a victim of persecution for doing the right thing, and for that you will be rewarded, not only in Heaven someday, but in this life now! The very first reward you will notice is the ability to look at yourself in the mirror, something they are not able to do.

    You mentioned that sometimes people don’t like that fact that you are up front, but what they probably really didn’t like was being BUSTED when they were relying on your fear of not being accepted to cause you to cower from their attacks. And consider this fact, many of these cliquey and gossipy types are also “up front,” it’s just that they’re “up front behind your back,” so they are hypocrates for disliking your directness– for they are direct too, it’s just behind your back, plus their “directness” consists of lies. Your method is definitely better than being a backstabber like them.

    A lot of cliquey and gossipy women hide behind the guise of “just being nice,” by not talking to you directly, and instead sharing their criticisms with the entire world! They will lie and say, I’m only telling you this about So And So because I don’t want to be rude and confront her, now let me spill the beans and throw in some lies to boot, then promise not to tell anybody (translation: tell everyone you know and let’s all gang up against her). Their facade of friendliness and “caring” is just a hoax to hide their treacherous ways! They certainly don’t like it when their “mask of friendliness and caring” is pulled off for all to see what is really behind it. Naturally, they will turn around and purposefully mislabel YOU as “mean” when you were simply telling the truth in love to set the record straight. But they don’t WANT the record set straight — lies and embellishments are so much more entertaining AND they serve their hidden agenda! There is always a hidden agenda!

    A lot of this fakiness would disappear in women’s circles if there were more women out there who stood up for truth and honesty and directness and they no longer had a way to hide.

    Also, the less women care about cliques and the less they participate in them, the weaker they will get over time. Cliques should not be rewarded or validated with the presence of anyone who is fair and honest. Also, with no one fair and honest around to beat down, they will implode and start pecking EACH OTHER to death — for it seems they always need a target in order to find a reason to exist.

  205. I am sooooooo happy I found this site because I couldn’t sleep from all the worry about my dwindling friendships. I always knew that I had some jealous friends and I would work on keeping our conversations geared toward them so I didn’t have to tell them anything good about myself because if I did I would not hear from them and that would make me lonely and freindless. However, I am tired of all this work to try to keep them calling me. I decided that I had enough and am letting them go. I am talking years here of putting myself down to please them. What a fool, right? Anything to keep a friend. No more! I am a happy person and I want a friend to share things with, the good and the bad. My friends like to hear the bad and then will talk to me but one good thing, the subject gets changed or I don’t hear from them. I don’t have a big group of freinds but l don’t need this in my life anymore. I have to start over and at age 47 it is hard. You tend to stay with what is comfortable but also you realize that the comfort is not so comfortable and you need to move on. You are never alone as I saw from this site. Hang in there, be yourself and never put yourself down to make someone else feel good!! It took me a long time to realize this. Thank you for such an eye opening site.

  206. Hi rosemarie,

    I was really glad to find this site, too. It is so hard to give up ‘friendships’, especially, the long term ones.

    I’ve been finding new gal friends, but am seeing some of the same ‘all about them’, traits. I start to say something about a vacation, my hubby, etc. and it’s blah, blah, blah…how great their lives are in that same area. Did they listen to one word that I said, no. It is disheartening, discouraging, and makes me want to stay home with my hubby and cats! Really!

    Yet, we want friends, sincere, caring friends! Like you, I have avoided, the good, exciting, joyous moments, in my own life, just to keep these people in my life! It hurts them too much to see my happiness. How sad is that? Yet, they can go on and on about their ’stuff’ and I sit there like a dumbbell and listen!

    I have a very youthful daughter in law who is having the same problem, but doesn’t want to go shopping, lunching, etc. alone. I’ve told her that she will have to tolerate some of this or be friendless. I guess that is the point…which hurts more, to be lonely, friendless, or put up with this oh so annoying, hurtful, behavior?!

    One of these gabby, thoughtless, new ‘friends’ is becoming my ‘movie buddy’. This way, we talk about the movie afterward and the conversation isn’t personal. We go our separate ways having enjoyed a good movie. This is not a friendship, really, but it does help with all of that crazy me, me (!) interaction!

    This site is a great place to vent!! I know I have done my share of it! :)

    Well, stay in touch…and do think about keeping some of these ‘old friends’ for movie dates. Starting over is not as great as you think it will be. Gracious folks are few and far between!

    Hug to you!

  207. I know what you mean, Petperson. Burning bridges is fun at first, but then begins to feel hard, harsh and isolating. I’ve rebuilt some bridges to varying degrees-on a case by case basis :) One friendship has required several times of me speaking up rather harshly followed by loooong breaks for her to realize that I mean business and won’t take the old crap. (This process has actually taken a few years.) Another friend who showed up after years of estrangement started off our reunion going on and on about his problems and completely draining me. After only 2 conversations like this I said O.K. you talked about yourself for over an hour yesterday, now it’s time to talk about me. And, I’ve called him on his negativity from the get go and told him that it drained me and took me several days to get over. The fact that I nipped this stuff in the bud seems to be way healthier and have better results than the old “suffering in silence”. Another friend who is the reason I found this site in the first place said so many mean things towards the end that I am still smarting too much to really let her back in. After about 14 months of not speaking to her I wrote her a card and said I had thought of her and a couple of lines of small talk. She wrote back right away which I was happy for but I haven’t been able to write back yet. It may be quite a while before I get over her razor sharp words. Also, I have 2 friends who just talk right over me and interrupt me constantly-I can’t get a word in and am so tired of it. I am armed with a couple of simple direct sentences for the next time this happens. So, like I think I said in an earlier post, either being a door mat or cutting people out of your life period seems like 2 extreme behaviors. I’m trying to learn to be more direct about my feelings and desires and having appropriate boundaries. And if a boundary means I don’t talk to you for a long time or as much as I used to so you get the point then that is what is needed.

  208. Well, Rocy, it sounds like you have learned to walk ‘the middle of the road’ with these people. I guess if they are ‘old friends’ you can at least sorta tell them off and they are faithful enough to stick around, Lol

    I kinda told off a new lady acquaintance because she was going on like a Banshee about her life! She was stunned when I told her that she was pretty much totally self involved! I mean, what could I lose?! Since that time, we have gotten together some. She is a little more attentive, I see her catching herself when ‘diarrhea of the mouth’ starts! :) We only see one another about once every couple of months..that’s plenty!

    I’m thinking the trick is to line up several folks, that way, the raw edges don’t show up as fast! I actually tried going it alone, to movies, lunch with a book and I didn’t like that…not at all.

    I have definitely burned the bridges on the ‘nasty’ jealous one. She didn’t talk too much, but was mean with some comments. I don’t need that in my life. Oddly enough, I miss some things about her. Ah well…

    So, keep working with these people, build more history and speak up when they get to be too much! Old friends look pretty good when you try to build something with new acquaintances and they have the very same ’stuff’ going on!

    I have questioned myself, in all of this! What part am I playing? How/why do I attract these motor mouths?! Yet, I will sit and sit, listen and listen, interjecting just a little here and there, etc….just to be blown off like I said nothing. It leaves me with a sad feeling…being alone when one is not alone…so odd.

  209. This link to a video (at the bottom) came to my email. I thought it might help some of us. I too have been hurt & disapointed knowing I was a good friend and then when I needed a friend, they were either not there for me or I would be betrayed or verbally abused. They would apologize & I would forgive…over and over and over again. Finally, I had an epiphany that I felt like God must have given me, but not my own thought that I came up with. What came to me was that I need to continue to treat others the way God would want us to, the way we want to be treated because we will have to answer to Him for how we treat others and THEY will have to answer to God for the way they treated people. Then I decided it was time to clean house!! And I did just that!! I decided, I not only did not want to be friends or associate with a person who not only verbally abused me, but others too…that I did not want to associate with them. My Greatgrandmother used to say, you can’t play with **** and not get some on you!! And she was so right. I also needed to have self-respect & if my boundaries were crossed I let them know. I have always been outspoken so I had no problem speaking up like people that are non-confrontational do. If I say something about them to someone else then I will be accountable & say it to their face, but I am NOT a liar or a backstabber or two-faced & I hate people that are!! Some people like me being outspoken & some people don’t! You always know where you stand with me! I don’t talk behind peoples backs. I am not cruel about it, but I am upfront. What has gotten me hurt the worst is my soft, caring & loving heart… its just my nature. I was a sloooow learner!! My husband said when I meet someone, I give them my all! He said you need to give a little & then wait and see…let them give a little before I give more. I also think that its important to look at not only our own flaws, but also that of that person…when its a character flaw…such as jealousy or having an abusive nature…its time to cut ties before you get too emotionally involved with that person. I found this site after an 11 yr old who is going into 6th grade( so called friend) of my granddaughters (who is going into 4th grade) became jealous & manipulative, would turn stories around & then when she spent the night. she lied to my granddaughters other friend that was also spending the night & told her my granddaughter had been saying things (lying) about her. She ended up getting that girl to leave with her & spend the night with her. My granddaughter called me crying on the phone heartbroken!! I am not being a blind…oh my granddaughter never does anything wrong, but its truely not her nature (nor could her mother find any evidence of such in her cell ph texts or FB msgs). There have been at least 3 or 4 incidences with this girl & jealousy. She texted my granddaughter & wanted to be friends again & approve her as a FB friend again & my daughter told her absolutely not even though my granddaughter wanted to! This girl was trying to convince my granddaughter everything was all a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding my ass!! She is a manipulative girl!! Some quiz she had taken on FB said she 77% evil…I don’t think I would post that on my FB because I would not be proud of that! I don’t want my granddaughter to get heart, which is inevitable in life…or corrupted by this girl either! My daughter said one day the girls could be in a store & the other girl could steal something & get caught and try and pin it on my granddaughter and I said I would not put it past her!!
    **********************************************************************************Welcome to Day Six of our Self-Improvement Boot Camp. The
    subject for today is Paying the Price.
    If you’re already completely aware that you have to make sacrifices and need to pay the price to improve yourself in the long run, please skip this section and wait for Day Seven. If you are like the rest of us mere mortals, please complete Day Six.
    Step 1: The first step for Day 6 is to watch the video pertaining to this lesson. You can find that video here:
    http://www.selfgrowth.com/blog/bootcamp6.html

  210. I’m certainly having a hard time right now to search on internet for the friends, jealous topic and I’m grateful that I found this page. It feels so great to see people in the same boat, who have the same feeling and had the same experience.

    I’m just wondering to myself, why am I giving the girl so much power to affect me? Even on my birthday? I know she is not happy, she’s insecure, I know she always envied me that I have a better career, higher motivation to advance, a caring and good looking husband, and now, an expected baby. I know she wants all of it, but somehow she just can’t. I’ve always been caring, out there for her all the time, she treats other acquaintances better than me. My husband and I we were trying to justify the reason behind it, then the jealousy came into the picture. I know I’ll phase her out gradually, but I just regret for all the time and energy that I spend on her, literally for nothing.

    I need to slowly drag myself out of this, think of the positive more. I do have other friends who are not the jealous type.

  211. Hi Wendy,
    The reason you are giving this girl so much power to affect you is that you have connected to her “heart-wise”, have affection for her, etc. The feeling of loss is so natural. It will be therapeutic for you to grieve this loss, allow yourself to ‘to go there’ feel the pain. If you didn’t feel sad/bad about this it would be most unnatural!

    I know none of this lessens the hurt, but it is important to honor our feelings in order to heal properly. There is a psychological, emotional, need to be with that ‘little feeling person’ we carry inside…in a nurturing way.

    Well, anyway…jealous “friends” are jealous because their own lives are not complete. It actually hurts them to witness, first hand’ what they could have! Slighting you, maybe saying mean things, putting you down in some ’sneaky’ way, helps them to feel better. Just seeing your face fall is something like “See, I do have power in your perfect world, I can hurt you…you aren’t so invulnerable! Notice me!”

    Emotionally intelligent/well balanced people, who do not have abandonment issues, will find there own interest and ‘get a life’ without having to wreck yours! They are healthy, in other words! they can be happy for you because, hey, they are doing just fine in their own lives!

    Unhealthy emotional (for whatever reason) are like vampires, I know this may sound strange, but they draw from you in order to maintain themselves. Putting you in your ‘place’ gives them a weird kind of strength/power.

    Finding one or two SINCERE people who listen and can be with you (and your wonderful life)… and be happy for you, is a tall order!! This type of giving/sharing with another person is just so grand!

    Of course, we must keep a vigil on how well we listen, how much we care, how sincere are we?! :) Someone once said “Love is reflected in love”. I’ve always liked that saying!

    Good luck to you in your search for REAL friendship! Let us know how you are doing!

  212. I too have had many problems with jealous friends over the years. It can be so hurtful when the people you have been a good friend to turn on you. I was particularly interested in Matties theory on why we keep on attracting these people in the first place. I truly believe that we attract what we have come to feel “familiar” with at an impressionable stage in our lives. My own story is that I had a very critical, manipulative mother and when I was 10 yrs old my brother who is 18 yrs older than me married a woman who was terribly jealous of me. For years this woman resented me, put me down and when I was 15 yrs old she attacked me and punched me in the face when she was drunk. The rest of the family acted like I had deserved this and my mother “forgave” her for hitting me. I felt so betrayed and hurt that this woman was allowed to walk into our family and victimise me and no-one protected me. Mum is dead now and I dont see my brother and “sister in law from hell” any more, but I believe that I was conditioned at an early age to believe that women could get away with openly displaying jealousy and resentment toward me and get away with it. I think I came to believe that I deserved it and this is why I have gone on attracting this into my life. I am currently doing some deep emotional and spiritual work on myself and I believe that my experiences will change as I continue to jettison these false beliefs that have held me hostage for 30 yrs. I too, have “put my **** on the table” cos I am tired of having to walk through it. Love and Light to all of you

  213. Hi Sylvia,

    It sounds like you have had some real bad experiences and at an early age. There are very mean people in this world and it is horrible that children are subject to their cruelty.

    I’m glad you are freeing yourself from the past and hope you can live, peacefully, in your remaining years.

    Thank you for sharing with us.

  214. Oh I am in the same situation as you except the church part! Exactly same currently SAHM, recently bought our home, etc. And I too don’t have lots of friends, just a few of which probably only a couple of them are not jealous. It’s tough! A lot of times I wonder if its something to do with me. But I am a nice person, like to compliment others when they receive an accomplishment or when they look good or whatever. I am never the jealous type or insecure. We live our life the way we want and how it makes us happy we live for us not for others and can never understand why some people can let their jealousy and envy take it so far. Like you my best friend is my husband. He understands me and feels a lot like me. He too only has a couple good friends. We have a lot of people we know but I can’t call them friends.

    Never thought so many people have these same issues.

  215. Wow, I had been feeling the same way for years. I have friends but seasonal friends, friends who need me when they need a favor or when things go upside down in their lives but when it’s about me needing to talk or wanting to vent, they turn their heads the other way or uncalled for comments they say as if they don’t want to hear it. My husband is my best friend too and I tell him everything and we have a great relationship but I also need women in my life because they understand more of how we feel.

  216. Hi Mommy!

    There are a lot of us in ‘the same boat’ with jealous ‘friends’ who are “seasonal” AND don’t listen!
    I’ve joined meetup.com and met some nice ladies for lunch, etc. I don’t expect as much as I used to. We just laugh and talk and go our separate ways. Maybe one day I will have a new ‘best friend’, but, for now this is working for me! :)
    It’s great that your hubby is your best friend! Thant’s pretty perfect! :)

  217. Dear KC,

    You feel that you need women in your life because you believe they understand more how you feel, but it’s better to have NO women friends than the kind described in these pages. And I’m not even sure that most women really DO understand more how we feel — maybe they just know how to PRETEND they do in order to gain your trust, so they can stab you in the back later if they ever grow jealous of you. Or, perhaps they can understand more how we feel, but what GOOD is that if they only use that “in” against us?!

    It’s great that you have your husband as your best friend, but of course, we have to walk a fine line of not overburdening the man in our life with too much talking, and instead limit our issues of discussion to the most bothersome/important ones. And, of course, having the availability of discussing the most important issues with our husbands is in itself a gift from God, as God can and does often “speak” to us through our husband’s advice on those subjects. Sometimes our husband’s advice will be very brief, yet powerful, and maybe all we needed to know to deal with our situation. We should not under-estimate the value of a brief response, especially if God just used our husbands as a conduit for His wisdom. Sometimes we make things too complex.

    Unfortunately, those less important issues may not have an outlet to get aired to, and so we have to deal with those ourselves and with the help of the Lord. God can help us sort out things in our minds so that we know what really has priority and what doesn’t, what might be just generated from our own immaturity in an area, what steps are wise to take to resolve issues we must deal with, and give us strength and the right sense of timing to do so. That is certainly preferable to sharing them with insincere, jealous, treacherous, childish, insecure, negative women “friends” who will probably only offer worthless advice anyway that isn’t wise to follow.

    If having a woman friend or friends is deemed that valuable to us, then it is certainly worth praying about. I’m not sure if we can rely on CHANCE or CONVENIENCE to introduce us to the most worthy women friends — it may NOT be the neighbor next door, the woman who does our hair, our co-worker on the job, or a women from the gym or pilates class. I think if we sincerely pray to God to bring us a woman friend or friends worthy of our friendship, then God can bring those ties to our lives. But, just like when choosing a potential mate, if left to our OWN judgment, we might not pick the right person. But if we specifically pray for a good connection in a worthy woman friend, then I believe God can and will do so in His perfect timing and probably not from a common locale that we could have found on our own.

  218. Hi Wonder Woman:

    Like you, I also worked as a teacher for several years until last year. One rule often posted in classrooms is “treat others the way you want to be treated.” Teachers also infuse anti-bullying into character education lessons. I have never in my life worked in such a harsh environment full of cliques and favorites who push their weight around always finding targets. Meanwhile, many others choose to stay out of the way while all of this hen pecking is allowed to go on. Why did I ever become a teacher? Needless to say, I choose to start over at age 44 before I start clucking like a chicken. I wish to go back to college and change careers. Everyone knows that any job will have jealous/difficult people, but I seriously doubt it could ever be as hostile as working within a school. They should practice what they preach.

  219. Dear Lois Lane:

    I applaud you for being brave and changing careers and getting away from the toxic teachers/administrators. But I think this phenomenon is just about in every workplace to some degree. It’s more a result of the overall moral breakdown of society in general, rather than a particular profession, although you are not the first person in these posts to have had problems in a teaching environment.

    Perhaps you could use your teaching ability/experience and distaste for the toxic work environment to develop a website where you teach practical ways to survive and/or avoid these bullies. Perhaps you could hire a camera crew and actors to create teaching videos showing examples of mistreatment and coping methods. Perhaps you could hire a camera crew to secretly go out in public places and catch perpetrators in the act to create more awareness of the problem, then post the vids on your website and comment on them.

    The golden rule may indeed be posted in the schools, but if no one actually acknowledges the fact that the Author of the quotation is Jesus Christ, or pays any attention to the Author of it, then they don’t have much of a chance of reading the rest of His Book or getting to know Him or having their lives impacted by scripture/truth. Receiving Christ as an act of individual free will and studying and applying what is found in the Bible represent the only hope for people to have a true moral compass, along with the spiritual power to act on it in meaningful ways in their lives. And therein lies the problem with the moral breakdown of society — God has been taken out of the schools, even though the golden rule may be hung on the wall. Teachers would like children to adhere to the golden rule, but it doesn’t seem they do so themselves within their own circles. Teachers would like children to adhere to the golden rule, but they won’t take a stand on the systematic removal of any mention of God, Jesus or the Bible in schools (which is the SOURCE of the golden rule). I can see why many teachers are defecting to private Christian schools, getting out of the field, or becoming various types of consultants or private tutors.

    May God direct your small and large footsteps into your next career path and bless you along the way with discernment and wisdom so that your background can do the most good for mankind, and you.

  220. Hi Lois Lane,

    I’ve noticed that too. The teachers teach the kids to accept each other repetitively, and that we’re all friends but when it comes to the adults that’s necessarily not the case. The reality is that not everyone is going to like you and vice versa is what should be taught. I’m slowly but surely looking for other employment. Perhaps another school would yield more mature staff but as Mustang Sally said it is everywhere. There is a moral rot happening within our society -part of empire decline -with economy tanking and all kinds of other melt-downs. My story of becoming a teacher is a long one. I’ll probably share it in another post when I have time but it is important to not allow ourselves to bullied by cliques or jealous people suck our energy either.

  221. I could not believe it when I saw this site. I thought something has got to be wrong with me but I feel great the problem is I can’t tell my so called friends how great I feel. Now, I always get calls when they have a crisis and I listen and try to make them feel better but I don’t receive the same treatment. I have put up with this for years. I can’t help it that I’m sucessfully married and was able to retire at 47! I started work young at 17 and I worked hard for 30 yrs and I got early retirement. I’m now 50 yrs old and you know what? Nobody can still my joy unless I let them and from now on if others chose not to treat me correct I will ace them straight out of my life. I can’t talk about my feelings or my life…..only if its bad stuff then my ‘friends’ want to listen. If Gods sends me some decent friends that’s great other wise I will stick with my husband and my hobbies.

  222. Amen!

  223. Well, I’m not a religious person , myself, but do believe that we need to be proactive in the friendship area (God helps those who help themselves…kind of thing :).

    Like you Vickie, I gave up on friends and decided to make my hubby and hobbies “my friends”. I still do that, but have joined the social group www.meetup.com, recently, and have added three new acquaintances to my life! I met them at various places in meetup…a book club, a morning coffee gathering and a gourmet club. I meet them for lunch, movies, shopping…or all of the above! :)
    I’ve decided not to consider anyone a ‘best friend, (where jealousy grows), but I know I need to get out and socialize! It’s just healthy.
    Since I rotate among the three of them, things don’t get too, well, ‘familiar’. We just have a few laughs, enjoy a chick flick, have a great lunch and say ‘goodbye’. There are emails back and forth…friendly chatter, etc.
    I have learned that getting too close, saying to much (personal stuff), leads to weirdness. I wanted to pass this on to you because it works so well!! And if things ’sour’, I’ll just get active in meetup again and find new “friends”
    . This may sound shallow, but I’m tired of having jealous women too “green eyed” to listen to a word I say. It seems that when you keep the whole thing “light” they don’t get their claws into you. Lol

  224. Is good to know I’m not the only one with this issue. Is hard for me to have a real friend. At one point I thought it was me the one with the issue, but seriously I’m very sweet,caring, loyal person. I’m very,very beautiful. I have a gorgeous face,nice body,legs,hair( I do not want to brag about anything; but I want all of you reading this to understand my situation) I come from a humble family, divorce parents, and to be honest didn’t had the best example from my mother or father even thought they do love me very much. That’s just a feed back to let you all know that even with many obstacles in my life I grew up very neat and responsible. Even thought my mother does not have a career. I have done everything that is on my hands to get money for college and I’m currently going to medical school. I’m very responsible at my young age. I have a boyfriend who is very in love with me, but still is not a perfect relationship. I talk to him about everything, he’s my best friend. I wonder why is so difficult for me to find a loyal friend that wont do me wrong behind my back. Like I have had girlfriends and even thought my life is not perfect and they come from a good family and are beautiful as well. I have found out they try to get with an ex boyfriend that I had or they have gotten with them. That had happen many many time. Everyone who meets me, likes me but after becoming friends and we go out and seeing how hard I try for a good future. How I don’t hate on no one. How positive and happy I always try to be. I feel like people get jealous and try to give me bad advices in order for me to get in trouble. Or they would try to imitate me. Also if a friend has a boyfriend or husband seriously no my fault if sometimes they look at me and they like flirt. All I can do is get serious and get shy. Why, why is that?
    I want friends, and I don’t want my friend’s boyfriends to like me.

  225. Hi Barbie,

    I am A LOT older than you, I’m sure, but do have some advice.

    Beautiful young women are not overly liked by most women. They are a threat to them because husbands and boyfriends notice them. They get VERY jealous of this.You also have to be careful of men because they might want to use you, but will marry the more ‘plain Jane’. They don’t want their guy friends flirting with their wife, etc. So, to be safe, they marry a less attractive woman. This doesn’t always happen, but does, quite often.

    Since beautiful people are often ‘used’ and not always respected for what they have in their heads (intelligence) I STRONGLY suggest you continue with your education and be respected for your mind!!! Also, look good, but don’t overdo make up and tight clothes. This will draw attention to your looks and not in a good way, Once again, men will be drawn to you for your looks/body, but won’t care about your mind. The world is filled with beautiful girls who have been used in a bad way…have babies, end up overweight and with no education.

    When you have a good education, dress in a more refined way, you will surround yourself with similar people and it will change your entire life!

    We tend to make all of our mistakes from around 15 to 25 years old. If you can continue on, get an education, surround yourself with quality people, give yourself time to see the world through more mature eyes you will escape repeating the same mistakes that so many girls have fallen victim to. Do this for yourself!!!

    You WILL have jealous people all along the way, but keep on going. Get that education…it will change your life!

    In time, you will have respected people who like you for who you are!

  226. Dear Barbie:

    I applaud you for going to medical school to change your life and make your future better than your childhood. You might feel “less than” some of these girls just because of your family life, but you should not, as that has nothing to do with a personal true value. Also, whether it was your parents or THEIRS who were divorced, it’s NOT okay for friends to flirt with each others boyfriends (or ex’es) at any time.

    Don’t worry about whether the other girls are true friends — I’ll tell you now to get it over with — they’re not going to be. It’s partly how society is more selfish and childish than ever, but it’s partly the raging hormones in these girls. Get your “girl talk fix” if you must with them, but try not to offer any important information about yourself they might use against you. I doubt you will receive much real support for your school/career efforts from them either, so you’ll have to look to yourself and your God for that emotional support.

    Meanwhile, this boyfriend may not be the ultimate one for you, so be careful not to start a family with him accidentally. Someday, when you are with the man you should be with, he can also be your best friend.

    People (especially women) tend to refuse to be willing to ascribe any positive qualities to beautiful women, even when those positive qualities are obvious — it’s apparently too devastating to their own sense of self esteem to know that another woman could be beautiful AND nice AND honest AND humble, AND etc.. So instead they may try to ignore those positive qualities and ascribe to you unfair negative labels, such as “man stealer,” even though you are not giving out the flirt vibe to their men. Also, when these positive attributes are found in you by your friends, they only see those attributes as pathways they can use to sabatoge you. In other words, they mistake nice with “pushover.” Be nice but don’t be a pushover.

    You can remain sweet, nice, honest and humble and hardworking with a great future and STIL be savvy and smart and not allow these predictable prissys to stand in your way or make problems for you, but you will have to learn to say “no” (firmly but nicely) when they want to hone in on your private life or cross boundaries. You can also be considered a nice person if on occasion you are forced to put one of them in their place with a short and perhaps sarcastic and/or humorous but enlightening quip, as long as you go back to treating them nice afterward. They will know that you aren’t to be messed with but that you intend to maintain your sweetness. And always remember they are NOT the source of your self-esteem on any given day.

    If you know in advance their mindset and their typical games, then you can also head them off at the pass in many ways.

    Keep working on your English — your post was impressive, but you definitely want your English to be perfect by the time you become a doctor later. Keep going on your medical school and put that before the boyfriend or friends. (Then maybe you will run into your old friends once you are a doctor and see how they turned out.) I wish you well in your school and career and family.

    Go Barbie!

  227. Great answer, Mustang Sally! I hope Barbie reads and re-reads these responses!

    I had no help like this, as a young ‘attractive’ (according to my mom!) girl, and made far too many mistakes and was hurt by so many mean comments. Jealousy was at the bottom of much of the meanness!

    I so wish that I had know better, gotten more of an education, etc.

    I love my sons, divorced their dad, and have struggled for years to make sense of life. I’m doing well now, but it has been a long, hard road, emotionally and psychologically!

    This is a great ‘heads up’ site! :)

  228. I’ve been having the same trouble with jealous friends, particularly with a friend of mine who i am so happy for is engaged. We’re both 25 and she was constantly only attracting douchbag type of guys and when she finally met her now fiance i was really happy for her bc i knew how hard it was for her to finally meet someone stable. So the jealous tension came when my boyfriend and i would went on south american and european trips. I had told her that we want to do many boyfriend/girlfriend stuff before we become engaged and have kids bc timing and money would be a problem for us by then. We want to take things a step at a time. When i told her all this she slowly ignored my calls but wold only call me when and if i already ordered the brides maid dress for her wedding which upset me bc i was the first one of the bridesmaid to order mine. I am 100% happy for her but it seems that only she can be happy ONLY for herself and everybody around her can’t have an opinion. Ironically, she began cutting me off when her fiance found out where my boyfriend worked and about his promotion. (My bf’s would never tell anyone unless asked about his work or promotion). As a girlfriend i enjoy hearing about my boyfriends’ and friends’ successes bc i’ll take pride in them and tell others about their success as well. I understand it may have hurt his ego bc he’s still working on his degree but then why ask. My boyfriend is no millionaire he just worked very hard to be where he is, and still is. He scrificed vacations with friends, family parties, and sooo much more tha when he finally passed this huge exam i was so happy to inform as many ppl.

  229. Dear eve/petperson: Thanks for the compliments about my post to Barbie, I really feel for her situation. I think a lot of what has been written here by various posters is worth printing and reading again later!

    I’m glad that your life is making sense now — I too have a son I love and an awful (psychotic, violent drug-abusing gun nut) ex-husband from whom I had a difficult divorce many, many years ago. I had such a foundation in faith already that the divorce never made me question God or my life. But after several years went by as a single mom, I DID start to wonder how long it would take me to meet a fella worth marrying by the time my son was starting college.

    Then, I finally met my soulmate from God at the ripe old age of 43! I sort of cover how that breakthrough happened in my youtube vlog on meeting one’s soulmate at www.youtube/agathanas. I plan to create a website and self publish a Christian book on the subject on that website with a PDF download (after payment via PayPal) that goes into great practical and spiritual detail, but this vlog does have some hints about how to get the ball rolling. Maybe you’ll enjoy the vlog. Maybe some other single gals here will check it out too.

    Hubbie and I are coming up on our 9th anniversary on 10-01-10. When God makes a match it’s a doozey!

  230. Hi Mustang Sally,

    I did go to your youtube video and watched it. :) I’m happy for you and hope you have many, many, years of joy with your soul mate/hubby!

    As I have written before, on this site, I am not the traditional religious person, but have chosen the Buddhist path. I did meet my soul mate and we have been married for fourteen years! :)

    My hubby is the reason my life has ‘turned around’. We are very much in love! :)

    My ex husband was a nice enough guy, really (we are still very good friends), but the ‘empty nest syndrome’ caught us off guard. After our sons went to college we discovered that we had not built a life for the two of us! This ‘vacancy’ is hard to describe. Anyway, we separated, initially, and then divorced.

    Well, it looks like you and I are both happy! Thanks for your response!

  231. Dear eve/petperson:

    Thanks for checking out my YouTube!

    I didn’t know about your current hubbie initially, and then I must have gotten thrown off a bit by this quote that didn’t mention him: “I love my sons, divorced their dad, and have struggled for years to make sense of life. I’m doing well now, but it has been a long, hard road, emotionally and psychologically!” Sorry about the assumption!

  232. Hi Mustang Sally… (my favorite song to dance to!) :)

    Yes, it is VERY HARD to write and express everything in a blogging format, emails, etc. We do somewhat better in person!

    I did have a some ‘bad times’, but all has ‘ended’ well! this site reminds me of some of the ‘life struggles’ I had…jealousy, etc.

    Thanks for your comments!

  233. Dear Eve/petperson,

    I want to thank you for taking the time to give me such good “hard but realistic” advices. I took my time to analyze and though about the advices that you gave me. You are absolutely right in everything you said and I will have it on mind. I do dress proper/conservative since I don’t want to draw the wrong attention and I don’t overdo my make up. I’m very simple.

    I’m working hard to achieve my goal/education; so far I have excellent grades.

    I truly appreciate your response, may god bless always.

    Regards,

    Barbie

    P.s. I took a bit long to check the responses because I was busy with school.

  234. Dear Mustang Sally,

    First of all, I printed your response! You are very smart and I honestly appreciate and thank you for your advices.

    You answered every single question and doubt that I had, even the ones that I didn’t write!! You also notice that I need to improve my English. When reading your comment I felt like if i was taking in front of you and you patiently and perfectly replied.

    I want to let you know that you don’t have idea how much I appreciate that you took your time to respond. You have helped me and I’m truly grateful for that.

    My education is my priority and I will wait for the right person to build a family.

    May god always bless you in life!!!

    Regards,

    Barbie

  235. Thanks for your sweet and detailed response to my advice, I’m here to help.

    You might want to also check out my little blog about how to find your God-picked soulmate at www.youtube.com/agathanas (info may be useful someday).

    High five,

    Amanda

  236. It takes a very strong person (mentally, that is) to be happy for someone else’s accomplishments, and very few people are that strong. If you’re at a good place in your life, those people you know who are not at a good place will inevitably be jealous of you. You don’t even have to boast. All it takes is to have it good in one area (job, husband, kids, house), and most people, especially women, can’t handle it. I’ve learned that I have to find people who are at the same socioeconomic level to hope to maintain a friendship, and even that is not guaranteed.

  237. You’re right, Jeannie, it is hard to find ‘real friends’ and we must look in our own socioeconomic lifestyle. Even then, there is jealousy and betrayal.

    Sometimes, when we encourage relationships with, older, wiser people, who have “been there done that”, they can really, genuinely, be happy for you!

    When we live “the good life”, those who have less, well, they will envy us. I guess that is just the way it is.

  238. I take great comfort in knowing that I am not the only person going through this. Tonight, my husband and I came to a conclusion: most women feel better about themselves by taking other women “down a few notches”. In my own case, the whole situation is now been made worse by my “friends” being jealous of my son’s achievements. One even tearfully admitted that she was angry at me because she was “grieving” over the life that her son won’t achieve - when she sees my son achieve, she starts grieving. I’m sorry but that is just ridiculous. This woman has been friends with me for 15 years. I am ready to surgically remove her from my life. Maybe I am just too much like a “guy” in terms of friends - if that friend isn’t someone that shares my ups and downs, shares her own, and can’t keep from being jealous over things I might have happening in my life - I choose to end those friendships because they are a total waste of my time. I’d rather spend time with my DOG than deal with this kind of thing. Actually I’d rather do anything including mop floors or have my teeth extracted. UGH

  239. I suggest reading the book “Tripping the Prom Queen.” It explains it all. It is unfortunately the culture of female friendships. We need a paradigm change. We need to be cooperative and build each other up, not competitive.

  240. I will check out “Tripping the Prom Queen,” it sounds interesting by the title.

    Yes, all these issues are caused by one big lie in a person’s frame of mind that needs changing before any progress can be made in their lives: that one person’s success takes sucess from another. That is the main fallacy and it is a lie from the pit of hell. God has more than enough blessings in store for “whosoever will.”

    It’s like when I go to COSTCO and buy a big bag of cat food and when I start feeding my cats they all act like if another cat eats some there won’t be enough for them. I just stand there and shake my head tisk, tisk, tisk. What do I have to do, take them to COSTCO with me to show them the big warehouse full of big bags of cat food like the one I brought home to open their eyes to the abundance available?

    I guess that’s why it’s called being “catty.” Meow! Hiss!

  241. And even if one doesn’t believe in a sky fairy (i.e. God), it’s smart for people to realize that being jealous of someone does them no personal good whatsoever. Being happy for someone is the smart thing to do; they may share in the secrets of their success with you! I have some great tips–things that have made all the difference in my life–but I share them only with people who are nice to me.

  242. I’ll be nice, Jeannine! Tell me some secrets:) I could use some good tips right about now…

  243. I never expect to find 242 comments about this. I feel exactly the same as many people here, and I know that this jealousy shouldn’t affect me, now that I realized it’s there. I’m a very talented guy, I play piano, guitar and bass, I’m very good at sports, I’m handsome, and I never thought all this could be a problem for me.

    Some years ago, i never thought there was any kind of jealousy, but now that i think of it, i know it was there big time. I also know that is a very common thing and maybe it shouldn’t affect me, but, how do you do that? A reiki therapist explained me once the different energetic levels from different people, and basically means that people with lower energy than yours needs to lower you so they can be at the same level than you and then be able to communicate, which is something they mentioned here with different words. When I got divorced, all these “jealous” friends and relatives start behaving very nice to me since i was very depressed and broke, so i think that proves this theory as well.

    Someone said here: “you attract to you what you are not what you want to be.” and also someone said: “Love is reflected in love”, and i find some kind of contradiction between both phrases. Also, it’s almost imposible to love someone who is mean to you, but I don’t want to live in a desert island either, just for being in a place where no one can hurt me. Anyway, that’s my dilemma, thanks a lot for reading this.

    I truly wish you all the best to all of you.

  244. Bottom line, Sergio, you just do what you do, excel at what you do, be your handsome self and some will like you and too many won’t! It’s just the way it is!! There are very many unfulfilled people out there and they are jealous of success!
    I will say one thing, though…some people have a hard time expressing their feelings….they can appear jealous, but, in reality, they just don’t know what to say!! Really!

    I am a painter and some people rave over my work…other people just walk by my art as if it didn’t exist! So weird! Some people will make comments like “Interesting” or “different”. I love the folks who say, “Wow, these are so cool…man, I wish I could paint like that!” These same people are usually really generous, outgoing, friendly types. They are confident and happy in their lives. THAT makes all the difference!!

    So, now you know…the world isn’t all that friendly and generous. Just don’t let it get you down. The great ones, scientists, inventors, the thinkers, just get so involved in what they are doing that they could care less what others’ think of them!! No, that’s the way to be! ;) :)

  245. This is the most relevant posting I have ever read ! What a relief !!! I logged onto my system thinking I am one of the few in this position, but I am so relieved to see that mine is also after all, a very common situation.

    Admitting that friends are jealous is not bragging, and I have been too modest all my life, which is why I want to break out from that shell, and share this stuff. I have a good reputation as a well-behaved girl, well-brought up, talented and also beautiful girl. I could sense the jealousy during my teenage from best of my ‘friends’, but managed to ignore it. I then had a pretty hard life with an abusive marriage, then divorce, after which, there were SO MANY sympathizers, who all I thought were my well-wishers and friends..big mistake ! I was going to fall into another ditch with another guy, when the best of my friends, who is supposed to vehemently stop me, became super friendly with the other guy .. and her sympathy turned into ‘I dont care anymore, its your fault’. Surprisingly, this happened after I got an amazing job.

    Then, I get out of that rut myself without sharing with anyone, pull myself together, meet this amazing guy, fall in love and announce my marriage plans…surprise…this girl does not want to believe I actually moved on !! She continues to show sympathy that I was “settling”, when what I was expecting to hear was..”Excellent, happy for you”.

    Oh my God, what a roller-coaster. I got to say, more than the mistakes I made with choosing the guys, and the struggle for getting out of the relationship etc, it was this lack of real friendship that depressed and bothered me the most. Slowly, with the help of my lovely hubby, I came to understand, even the so called people you would like to call ‘friends’ just cannot bear to see you progress in life, especially if they feel you are going ahead of them. Bull **** !! If it were a real friend, you wouldn’t even start comparing yourself.

    But, thats the bitter truth, and as I am getting older, I do see that my list of true friends is getting shorter, and it makes me sad sometimes. But, reading this blog kind of makes me feel refreshed that afterall, its not my fault..!

    Eve/petperson ::: I love your last post that says, “Get involved in the work you love, you will care less about others”.. bingo..that IS the solution.

  246. Hi Mohana,
    I’m glad you found this site…it IS a real eye opener!

    Yes, to repeat, getting involved in an interesting your vocation, avocation, your home, hubby, etc. is where your energy will bring the most satisfaction.
    If you can find one good girlfriend who is loyal and SINCERE, super! She will have to be someone who has ‘made’ it, as well. These people are hard to find, but they are out there!

    I’m going to order a book that is supposed to be a ‘good read’ about true friendship (I read about it in USA Today) “Let’s Take the Long Way Home” by Gail Caldwell. It’s about what makes up a true friendship! I’ll report back after I have read it! :)

    Our heart knows when we have found something ‘real’ we just have to listen real close!

    I wish you the best!

  247. I really needed to read this tonight. Thanks to the person who started this. I pretty much lost my “friends” ever since I started a business from my home which allows me to be the house mom and wife as well. Sorry I can’t complain about work in an office see

  248. Hi Cassie,

    It can get pretty lonely to work out of the house…I’ve done this. I joined www.meetup.com (they are all over the U.S.) and meet for coffee, brunch, movies…just to get out. It’s not deep friendships, but we are social creatures and need to get out and have fun! :)
    I hope you include this in your life! It takes a lot of forgiveness/patience to keep someone in your life, long term.

  249. When I read some of the recent posts I almost started crying.
    I have some “friends” who are jelous of me and some family members who talk smack on me as well. How do I know? Well I know by the way their faces change when I politely tell them something positive about me. Just by the way they look at me sometimes, I can tell that they are hating.
    My ant looks at me from head to toe which makes me feel ackward. Honest to God I feel like I dont have any true friends because I always get stabbed in the back sooner or later. Even the one friend that i have now I cant trust her 100%. In fact I got her to join my buisness and she took all of the working shifts and left me with like nothing. Instead of her telling me “thank u Jennifer for being a good friend and finding me a good job” she decides to say screw Jenny I’m just going to take all of her shifts to have more money to blow on makeup. Geez, wth! I’m just trying to be a nice person but I cant anymore.
    Why r people jelous of me? Maybe because I just graduated frm a great school and because I follow all of my goals and I’m optimistic about life. Everything that I owe was never handed to me, I have been working since the age of 15 and have been studying my a** off to get where Im at. My parents never bought me fancy or expensive things I had to save my $ and earn my things.
    So for everyone who has haters, its all good, it just demonstrates that u r doing something right in ur life in which people envy because they r too lazy to have for themselves. Yes, I do get sad when my fam hates on me or because I cant trust my friends but it is what it is and whatever it is keep ur head up!

  250. Reading these comments have made me feel so much better.
    I have lost a couple of friends over the past year due to jealousy, or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what was going on. The weird thing is that my life is far from perfect. I’m nowhere close to acheiving my big dreams like a good career, house, dog, car, any of those things. But ever since I started dating someone seriously, become more confident in myself and learned to see life more positively, other people have rsponded to me differently.
    Sometimes it is a good thing. For example, it is much easier for me to meet new people and connect with other people I never used to be able to connect with.
    But in a way it’s a bad thing because two of my friends have responded very badly. One of them I no longer speak to. When good things happened for me she would change the subject or put me down. When bad things happened for her friends, she would have a smile on her face while she told me about it, which freaked me out. Sometimes it seemed like she was copying me, as another friend of mine observed Or she would brag to me about how happy she was. When I acted happy for her it it’s like it wasn’t enough. She would just brag about it endlessly day after day to try and get more compliments from me. I thought maybe her memory just sucked but now I’m wondering if she was trying to upset me or make me jealous.
    I have another friend that I still talk to, but I’m trying to phase him out. I think he’s jealous that I’m in a relationship and am moving on in my life. I went back to school last year and not once throughout the entire year did he ask me how school was going. If I tried to bring it up, he would change the subject right away. No matter how hard I try to encourage him to do things that will make him happy, he doesn’t want to do anything but complain about his job and his life. He even complains about his other friends and make fun of them, then he’ll go hang out with them anyway so who knows what he says about me behind my back. When something bad happens for his other friends he gloats about it. Sometimes he is even rude to my face or to my boyfriend, and he’ll complain about wanting a girlfriend, or he’ll comment that our apartment is nicer than his. I can only chalk it up to jealousy but he’s unwilling to change his life so I’m guessing that he’ll never stop being jealous. This leaves me with no choice but to phase him out.
    Sometimes I feel lonely because these two friends were my closest friends and I haven’t met many new friends yet. But I would rather go for a while without any friends than have friends that want to see me fail.

  251. Fair warning: Folks, as we approach the holidays with lots of family get-togethers, no doubt some of us will experience new episodes of jealousy from family and friends, so just be prepared not to take it to heart. I’m sure there will be some interesting stories told about what happened over the holidays come January…

    Here’s wishing us all a great New Year in 2011 with new victories, new personal growth, and new understanding and tolerance of the dysfunction around us.

  252. Thanks, Mustang!

    The holidays do tend to bring out the best and the worst in people!!!

    In reading some of the recent post, I realize that all of the answers are right here…I mean if one wants to learn about the jealousy/friendship thing just read these wonderful posts!

    It’s awful that we have to deal with this, but many of us do…so, we do our best to either ‘cope’ or get out of the relationship!! We have to step back and weigh the good against the bad in a relationship! If there is a lot of good, keep things going! ;)

    Happy Holidays to everybody!!

  253. I am having the same problem too. I am doing well at work, have a great husband and 2 beautiful kids. We invested in some real estate and made some money and bought a house in a very nice neighborhood and bought 2 very nice cars. I don’t go around bragging about anything I have, as a matter of fact I try to downplay what I have because I am afraid I will make other people feel bad. I had one of my friends call me a show off and we no longer speak. My other friends slowly stopped speaking to me. Over the holidays I invited a couple of cousins over to my house to visit and now I am getting a similar reaction from them. At first I thought it was me, but after reading everyone else’s post, I am realizing that is the nature of people. Generally people love it when others are doing bad and hate it when others are doing good. I guess as we move on in life, we have to move on with our relationships with people and form new ones with new people.

  254. Hi Kelly,

    I found your post rather sad. :( It is just awful that we cannot share our successes, new homes, cars, great family, etc. without the green eyed monster showing up.

    I do think it is important to find friends “in the neighborhood” so to speak. People who have many of the same things you have will find fewer reasons to be jealous. There will always be jealousies, but not such obvious ones. We really do have to seek out our equals and sometimes this means giving up old friends.

    Life is full of change and it can hurt, a lot.

    Take care and let us know how you are doing!

  255. Wow. This is interesting. If you do not have friends you have problems with social skills. It. Is. You. Not jealously. There is something wrong in the way you are presenting yourself, I can assure you. Stop deluding yourselves and work on the real issues.

  256. I am going through this also. My best friend of 25 years plus, is ingoring me, snubbing me in conversations, not calling.. then acting like I’m crazy when I ask her whats wrong? She says nothings wrong, but it is obvious there is something because we have talked nearly everyday forever. I recently quit smoking (we both smoked since the beginning of friendship) and I was determined to not gain weight, and I have lost 5 pounds since quitting. My boyfriend went on the lifestyle change with me and he is losing weight too. I lost weight about 4 years ago, and I now remember the same treatment.. but if I friend is not happy for you when you do healthy changes- are they really a friend? I do not talk about how good I feel, and really tone down my excitement around her… but I still get the TREATMENT .. sucks because I do miss her- and I know she is grieveing in her own way- we used to go to bingo and sit in the smoking section- I have stopped that because I don’t want to breath smoke, and I have dropped my drinking to almost nothing, and we used to have cocktails and cigs together. But I quit because I got scared after getting sick and not being able to catch my breath- scared straight !! I pray that God will change me so I can better deal with this twist in our friendship- and heal and rifts in her - some friendships are not worth throwing away !

  257. Friends. They betray people. Every experience I ever had was like this. Jealousy. No comment.

    Maybe friends aren’t for me. Or anybody else…

  258. Hi Lizzy,

    It sounds like you have a very jealous friend on your hands! Losing weight, not drinking, not smoking…it’s just too much for her to handle!

    Co-dependency is a part in every relationship and can be a sickness, of sorts. Any change that takes place in a relationship shakes up the ‘what-to-be-expected, the routine and creates a distance, of sorts. It’s almost like “You are changing so much that I don’t know you anymore…I thought we were the same!”

    When a person wants to become healthy, and actively work at it, this is scary for the one who doesn’t have the resolve to do anything about their own problems. You are seen as a threat of some kind.

    If you really want to get healthy and stay healthy, you need to end this “friendship” and live with the pain of separation for awhile. You will get over it, it will take time, but the pain will ease up. Meanwhile, join meetup.com and join a ladies group. Their are a ton of fun ladies who have just moved into your area, looking for friendship.

    Two of my friends moved away, I joined meetup and can barely keep up with the fun outings! :) Sure, this isn’t the same as a ‘best friend, forever”, but it is fun and a way of getting out for ‘girl talk’.

    I think this friend of yours knows she isn’t being fair to you and is “punishing” you for your changing. I’m not a shrink, but this is my take on it!

    Bottom line…mentally healthy, well balanced people, are hard to find!! Lol

  259. Wow…there are lots of interesting stories here. I agree with most of you. Jealousy can be terrible, especially when the other person is trying to hurt you or bring you down.

    I’ve been a bit jealous of other people sometimes. Who hasn’t, honestly? But I would never make somebody else feel bad.

    Other people have also been jealous of me. It is natural to feel this way but it becomes a problem when there is hostility being directed at the person you are jealous of.

    I’ve also been accused of being jealous of certain people when I wasn’t. I once had a so-called “friend” who came from a home with two parents (unlike myself), and she was able to attend a 4-year university. She knew that I had severe emotional problems and that I was struggling with school. She knew that my family life was terrible. She knew that my boyfriend at the time was cruel and abusive. I was a good friend to her. I helped her whenever she needed it. Was she willing to do the same? No. She didn’t care about me. The only person she cared about was herself. She would only call me up to boast about her accomplishments, her success in school, and to tell me how much smarter than me she was.

    Yes, she really said that to me. One day I finally had enough and I told her that I was sick of her being so damn selfish. She knew how bad my life was and she was making me feel worse about my situation. She accused me of being jealous of her. I laughed and hung up the phone. That was about 6 years ago and I haven’t spoken to her since.

    See, there is a difference between being truly jealous and toxic to someone…as opposed to letting them know that maybe they need to be a bit more humble. She was being ridiculous. I wasn’t jealous of her. She was simply being obnoxious and I called her on it.

    It is wonderful to be well educated, wealthy, brilliant, successful, and beautiful. But is it necessary to constantly remind others of that? Not everyone is lucky enough to have certain things in life. Be thankful for who you are and what you have without losing sight of what matters most.

    My cousin also believes that everyone is jealous of her. She tends to show off and be very condescending. She expects other people to constantly give her compliments. She wants to be the center of attention at all times. But when other people want the opportunity to shine, she resents it. The truth is that SHE is jealous of any woman who happens to be thinner or prettier.

    There is a fine line between being the object of envy and simply lacking humility. Sometimes it isn’t always jealousy. The other person could simply be annoyed by what they perceive as constant bragging about how wonderful your life is. It’s nice to share the latest news on your gorgeous home and your six-figure salary and your lovely new baby…but there are other topics of conversation, especially if your friend is unable to conceive or is struggling financially or there’s some other issue going on. Some subjects can be really painful and this might require sensitivity.

    But if you are kind and respectful to others, ignore the people who are jealous of you. Toxic people can do a lot of harm.

  260. Hi TinyDancer,

    You’re so right, there are two sides to every story! There are people who rub their successes in and are relentlessly talking the “me,me,” talk! They may think that people are jealous of them but, in reality, they are just plain horrible to be around…obnoxious!

    Some people are gifted with looks, money and all that it buys, but that doesn’t necessarily make them nice people! These are all very individual situations. We have to determine for ourselves when a situation is bad for us, what we can an cannot take in a relationship.

    When we leave someone and feel good, like we really want to be around them, they always make us feel a little happier. Having one or two people in your life (at any age) is best. Find quality friends, people who care about you and who listen! BTW www.meetup.com has many great groups…a neat place to meet new friends! :)

    Good luck to you!

  261. Thanks for your kind words, eve/petperson. ;)

    I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my last comment. It’s just that there are two sides.

    When I see other people being successful, yet still being down to earth, I feel inspired to be the best person I can be.

    That isn’t jealousy or envy…that’s being motivated. It comes from a healthy place of wanting to improve myself. I view myself as a work in progress. Life is a journey. :)

    I don’t feel the need to belittle anyone. But I do have a problem with people who use their success or beauty or talent as a way of making others feel inferior. It’s all about attitude.

    One can be proud of their looks or talent or intelligence or wealth, but not at the expense of people who aren’t as blessed. I’m not saying that anyone should downplay their attributes. Just recognize that it is important to be down to earth.

    Like I said, my cousin has always been considered very beautiful. People have always told her that she is a pretty girl. Nothing is wrong with that…but the compliments have made her an extremely conceited person with a sense of entitlement. She is 30 years old and believes that the world revolves around her. She has never experienced real pain or difficulty in her life. People are drawn to her because she is gorgeous with a bubbly personality, but they don’t know how cruel she can be. She is a terrible person. But if someone mentions this, they are accused of being jealous of her beauty.

    I feel bad for anyone who is truly the victim of unfair treatment and jealous behavior…but some people, like my cousin and my former friend, play the victim.

    Jealousy can be healthy and it is normal. But it can be a very destructive emotion as well.

    No matter who we are, there will always be somebody in this world who has more than we do. If you are the victim of jealous people, hold your head up and kill them with kindness…or simply stop associating with them. ;)

  262. BTW…my former friend accused me of being jealous because she was oh-so-smart and had her degree, while I was trying to finish school at the time. I was going through a very traumatic period in my life. I needed her to be supportive. She enjoyed throwing her achievements in my face. I thought that was a really low blow, which was why I responded by telling her off and then hanging up the phone in the middle of our conversation.

    We all say things we don’t mean…but I felt that she was being spiteful. Whenever I would talk to her she would say that she was better than me because of her educational level and all that other stuff. I have no problem with other people’s success, but she should have known better than to accuse me of being jealous when I’m not…maybe I’m just a bit annoyed by the pompous attitude and the need to belittle me.

    I thought it was great that she accomplished a lot in school. I was really happy for her. But she obviously looked down on me because I was on a different path in my life. She had the nerve to accuse me of being jealous when that clearly wasn’t true. I didn’t want to continue the friendship anymore because of her attitude.

  263. Here is one thing to consider before you ‘think’ someone else is jealous of you. By all means this does not apply to everyone. I live with someone who likes to think people are jealous of him. He says they stop talking to him because they are jealous. But from what I see, he gloats about his accomplishments. He constantly looks for others to pat him on the back for something he’s done. When others don’t praise him, he claims they are jealous. I would have to say we aren’t jealous. To be jealous you ahve to want what the other person has. We don’t value the same things and are annnoyed when someone flaunts their acommplishments in our face.

  264. Rose and everyone else, thank you so much for these wonderful comments…I’m so glad that I found this forum because I have been feeling so lonely and struggling with this issue myself in the past year ever since I met my husband…I have always been a go getter, ambitious and above all my friends in that I have my masters degree when most dont even go to college, i’ve had a job when most were out of work and i’ve had some money or been smart with finances when others were foolishly racking up credit card bills and now are thousands upon thousands in debt….and now i’m in a place where I met the man of my dreams, we’re married now and have a gorgeous house and he buys me fendi purses for christmas as well as whatever else I’d want…

    TRUST ME, like you rose, I am a very sweet loving caring person who’s always been the volunteer, the helper and the one to try to care for people who are in need….and I do get along well with others and am not a diva or have an attitude…but I have been feeling my friends drift away from me and feel their envy when the’ve come to visit our home and the pool…I don’t want that..and it’s making me so sad…..my firends are at the point though where their PSEG is getting shut off, where they’re struggling for cash and at times have asked me for it…like at really bad junctures in their lives…so we’re at really polar opposites…they also not in relationships or are in abusive ones…

    So i’ve been actually feeling guilty because of my success…fuilty because i’ve been promted to a VP when others haven’t had a job in two years….

    it’s almost like I don’t want to talk to my friends because the only things that I have to say are about the happy changes in my life and i’ve had SO MANY MANY bad things happen to me..TRUST ME..that i’ve complained far long enough….now it’s my turn to finally come out of the bad times and into the good times…and they can’t be happy for me….
    you always think that “when it’s your turn” that ppl will be there to openly and warmly suppor you and be so happy for you….
    but i’m finding that my friends are actually withdrawing away from me even whem I invite them out…

    and I’ve had a few arguments with myfriends where they’ve had spells or fits of childish tantrums being upset with me that my priorities have changes and that we can’t ‘go clubbing’ or hang out every weekend like we did in college…

    My life is very different now of course with house, work and husband and I’m not into partying and drinking that much anymore…

    to say the least, it’s very very lonely and I feel sad and guilty like it’s a bad thing that i’m doing well….

    I want everyone to be happy and I don’t want to feel bad…..

    I am a very sensitive person who wants to make sue that everyone is having as good a time as I am…..

    I think I need to find new supportive friends who are on my level…

    thanks for listening…..I echo al the thoughts of everyone above…

  265. Hi Raesing,

    It sounds like you have outgrown your old friends in so many ways. You’re right, you need to find people who are at your level, socially, economically, well, at all levels.

    Even in families, we out grow our siblings. It seems wrong, sad, somehow, but it is a fact. My siblings chose to stay close to their roots while I have moved around, gotten a higher level of education, been successful in so many ways. I love them, always will, but we think/live so differently! It’s amazing how much people change through the years.

    I’ve met some wonderful ‘new gals’ through www.meetup.com and find that one can pick and choose in these groups. I have singled out some ladies for one on one luncheons, etc. No, they are not like my childhood, early adult friends, but then, I have changed too much to go ‘back’.

    I didn’t see this coming and just made different choices (than my siblings) and this is where I ended up…different. :) Some choose to continue growing, stretching themselves into a new way of living, others’ don’t. I still stay in touch with my siblings, but we all feel the difference.

    Don’t stay lonely! Be proactive in meeting new people closer to the ‘new you’! Celebrate your good fortune!!!!!!!!!! ;)

  266. Happy New Year everyone,the last comment I left on this post was on August 10th 2010. At that time I was still feeling incredibly despondent about the effect that having the wrong friends in my life had had on me and it was a bit weird looking back at it. As I said back then, I believe that any adverse treatment we are suffering at the hands of others stems from unresolved issues we have experienced early in our lives. I had a mother with narcissistic personality disorder, a father who would do anything to keep the peace ( a weak enabler) and two older siblings who were alchoholics.I was used to being around emotionally unhealthy people and this continued for three decades before I began to see what was actually happening in my life. I had not experienced loving, supportive interactions with people and this was reflected in the friendships that showed up in my life. I was accustomed to being treated badly, scapegoated and being blamed for the emotional dysfunction of others. I am happy to report, folks, that things have changed so much. Since I looked at my past issues in the face ( and at times it was painful) I have been able to stop seeking approval and am now attracting healthier friendships\relationships as a result. The learning process goes on and I wish you all the best. Be blessed! Iam!

  267. Darling, I can completely relate.
    My husband and I have pretty much lost all of our high school friend due to the fact that their spitefulness and jealous got the better of them.

    We were always the couple who would get everyone together, throw parties, etc. But over time, when we began to travel, and do well in our carreers, people started having problems with us. My husband and I are also very caring people, like yourself, and have even gone out of our way to help friends in need, yet never have recieved any thanks for our kindness, which isn’t necessary, but it’s nice to know people are thankful.

    All in all, as you get older you will probably lose the friends you had growing up, but don’t fret. You will meet other people like yourself through work, church, etc.. who wont feel jealousy towards you because they are in the same place you are.

  268. Hi,

    Thought i would post something, just because someone doesn’t contact a person anymore does Not mean their jealous, it could be that they
    don’t trust the person, or maybe outgrown the friendship.

    I know we would all like to have explanations as to why, but we never
    get them. I am moving on with my life after being much bullied by some
    people I haven’t seen in 30 yrs

  269. my so called friend..my bestfriend well i thougt she was she always try to put me down afte all the stuff i do for her but **** it im done she suppose to be my friend its calleda jealous bitch

  270. I had friends like that. One friend I had forever since childhood was always talking about me to my other friends, copying me, making smart ass remarks about the good things going on in my life. I should have gotten rid of her when we were kids, but she always comes back around pretending she forgot why I was mad at her again. It doesnt matter if you change, pretend to be miserable like them, ugly yourself up, be a bum, they will still be jealous of you, trust me..I know. They will just find other things to talk about of you. People like this need attention and bad. While you are there giving it to them and they are sucking all the energy and confidence out of you for themself, there will be nobody there for you when you need somebody to talk to. They dont want you to be any better than you are because they feel bad about who and what they are. Jealousy is for the immature. Sure, everyone gets jealous from time to time, but it should never reach a point where somebody is lying, slandering, copying, being a backstabber and surely not from a friend. Friends like that want what you got without having to earn or work for it. Keep them at arms length because if they are dirty enough to steal your uniqueness, they are dirty enough to steal your friends and spouse if you let them close enough. They are empty and full of negativity, they cannot see what they are doing to themself or others around them. Pity them and see when your gone, how many friends they really have. Dont be suprised when they come back because nobody wants to be their friend.

  271. I used to be one of the people with this problem. I could never understand why so many girls seemed to hate me for no reason. My friends, who were all in a similar position as I, insisted it was that they were jealous and that I made them feel insecure.

    How the tables can turn! I married young and started out like all young couples…we slowly worked to build our lives, went to grad school. pursued our careers and family. Along the way a combination of poor decisions and really rotten luck began to befall us and send us into a downward spiral. Long story short: we’re now the ones who struggle just to get by. We work as hard as anyone we know and we don’t spend money we don’t have (credit) but our quality of life is almost nonexistent. We’re in middle adulthood now and while seemingly all of our friends and family are successful, happy, and enjoying the fruits of their labor, we’re literally selling everything that isn’t nailed down on Ebay so we can get by. Our peers enjoy vacations, date nights out, nice dinners at the latest restaurants, visits to the salon, manicures, shopping, you name it. We’d be relieved just to be able to pay the bills. Most of our friends don’t try to gloat or boast, but there are those people in our lives who feel the need to put every new acquisition or adventure out there. Should you be able to share good news? Sure. But if the good life is a regular way of life, you have to understand that you don’t know what people are going through as much as you may think. Behind closed doors, things can be totally different than appearances. A lot of our friends would be SHOCKED to know what our lives are really like. Boasting serves no purpose other than to imply “look at me, look at my life…aren’t you jealous of me?” Not everyone does it on purpose and I understand exactly what a lot of you have been saying…true friends should stick by you and be happy for you. All I’m saying is that you should consider how much other people may be hurting before you judge or dismiss them as bad, petty little people.

  272. I’ve never been much of a jealous person. If somebody has something, I’m happy for it. If I don’t have it and want it, I figure out a way to get my own. The one thing that ever did cause me a twinge or more of pain was when people would talk about their families. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc…I grew up with very little family and when my mother died when I was 25, I became estranged from what little blood relations I did have. When people would talk about their close relations and all the great things they do on holidays, etc… it caused me some pain, sometimes a lot-but I kept it to myself. What? Are all my friends supposed to stop talking about their families because I don’t have anyone? That’d be ridiculous and petty of me. We all have different lots in life.

  273. Hi Erika,

    Wow, you really explain yourself/situation well! Thank you for sharing your life…and so honestly!

    I have been on “both sides”, having next to nothing, to having plenty. I honestly have felt the jealousy more when I have had plenty. It is not a good feeling! That saying that it can be sad and lonely “at the top” is very true! How odd is that?!!

    I am fully aware that some people don’t have as much, having spent years pinching pennies myself, so I am always very conscious of not bragging or flaunting our successes! Still, there are those few, who are in the same income bracket, etc., that cannot be gracious. Everything they do/have is bigger and better! It’s exhausting to be around them…so, these relationships die fairly quickly!

    If we can have one friend (maybe two) who we can share with, relax with, just hang out with, BE OURSELVES WITH (!), then we have all we need.

    Like Rocy says (above) family is just so important and we are blessed if we have loving family members! I have little family myself and would be happy to trade money for more family!

    I guess, bottom line, the quality of our LOVE says it all, rich or poor. I know that we do have to have enough to live and that requires being very creative!

    Speaking of creativity! ;) I think eBay is a wonderful way to supplement the income! Garage sales combined with eBay selling can be so lucrative!! Finding something with potential, polishing it up and selling it for a profit…how cool is that?!

    I hope things turn around for you because you sound like and intelligent and caring person! Stay in touch!

  274. I was taught by my mother that “a healthy person is happy for other people and their successes” and I have tried to live by that mantra. But, I have noticed that others do not live by that creed (i.e. some of my coworkers) and that sometimes my success is perceived as a threat/or failure on their part somehow. So, I have altered my behavior somewhat so as to limit the amount of personal information that I share at work- and this has eliminated most of the jealousy issues.

    Thankfully, I have good friends outside of work that I socialize with and jealousy is seldom an issue.

  275. As I was reading the posts, I started to think that may be growing with narcissists family members somehow made us vulnerable or attractive towards these kinds of emotional vampires. I do have a two older siblings with NPD(narcissistic personality disorder), a sister and a brother. And other mental health problems in the family. I am an empath and truly compassionate person. My NPD siblings were so manipulative and controlling that even my mom was afraid of giving me love when I was growing up. My sister although she is older than me is so jealous of me that sometimes her jealousy and her constant rage for no apparent reason truly scares me. She manages to separate me from my family members even though I don’t do anything wrong to them. Don’t ask me how she does that…but she does. Then I realized that other people whom I let to enter my life not different than my sister and my relationships with her. And I found this website while searching answer to this question that I have been asking to myself for a while now: Why do I feel that everyone in my life jealous of me?

  276. Hi Sage,

    You might want to read “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. Apparently 25% of the population are VERY sensitive, in all kinds of ways, to what is going on around them. This book is a real education!

    I have called myself an “empath” and have often wished that I were more thick skinned!! Also, like you, I seem to attract the more forceful personalities (putting it kindly) into my life. I call it the “bull in the china shop syndrome”!! I would be the china! :)

    In my case, I have been way too sensitive since early childhood! Life has been a struggle!

    My husband and I have built a website, not to sell anything, but helpful information, one on the subject of narcissism. We do these videos, very spontaneously, with little preparation. The one on narcissism has gotten a lot of good feedback! Our site may help you. http://deeperrelationships.com/

    Good luck to you…education is so key to recovery and strength!

  277. Hi Eve/petperson, I found the weBsite very helpful.
    I never knew there is a personality trait like HSP. And I think I am one of them.

    Thanks for sharing the website and basically helping me to discover it. Little confused at the moment, but as I educate myself I guess things will become more clearer. Thanks again.

  278. After spending much of the morning reading thru the posts here, I can see the wisdom of many of you that post here. I registered and respectfully have a question to ask of you.

    Is this passive aggressiveness or jealousy or insecurity or a bit of all? I am trying to find a way to co exist with this woman “friend” (I am a woman too).

    I considered us good friends. I have noticed however that she is increasingly making these comments to me. I am not sure what kind of comments they are or what they signify. I think they are jealousy triggered.

    Background-I am NOT a “bragger” going about telling everyone how blessed I am. But for situational reference, I have a job i love but it makes me recognizeable. BECAUSE of what I do, I am already guarded with who I let into my life-and I let this one in-maybe that was my oops-but I have to deal with it now.

    She has been “teasing me” about the public effects of my job. When people recognize me-she says with a sarcastic laugh “Ohhh you’re so FAAAAMOUS! EVERYBODY loooooves you….” But she says these things with a laugh, like she is teasing me.

    I feel like if I tell her it bothers me, she will just say, “Oh I am just KIDDING…you can’t take a joke.” so I don’t let on that it is bothersome. I just laughed back at her and say things like a sarcastic-”yeah-right. I’m sooo lucky.” But in reality, I just wish she wouldn’t comment on it. It is a side effect of what I do for a living.

    I wanted to start a “program” for myself. when I told her about it, she said that it seemed too difficult and not worth it. When I actually started it-and she found out she immeadiately started the very same thing.

    I feel like she is competing with me-but I am NOT in a competition with her. We got my child got something that she deemed “unnecessary”, but weeks later, her child got one too. I don’t CARE-it is just something I notice.

    most recently she has been “teasing” me about how people “like” her better than me. Again, saying it with a teasing laugh-so all I feel like I can do is laugh back at her like I get the joke. Really it is just irritating me.

    I don’t believe anyone has ownership on friends, but it seems that she has wanted to get to know EVERYONE that I know and would interact with. She will go find them on facebook a day after meeting them in person. She has even commented on people that we mutually know that SHE is facebook friends with that I am NOT. Again-I don’t CARE–it is the ACT of it that annoys the crap out of me.

    so is this JEALOUSY or what? I can’t find anyting online about what these kinds of behaviors are called–the non joking-joking comments. Are the teasing but sarcastic at the same time comments a form of queen bee syndrome? If she is that jealous of me–why does she want to be friends? I have to maintain some sort of contact with her and don’t wish to have ANY enemies–so what is the most effective way for me to deal with this? confrontation? or would that make it worse? Would that make me the “oh you are insecure and can’t take a joke” person she will make me out to sound?

    I am smart and confident-this situation doesn’t make me insecure and I feel like I CAN deal with her behavior if I just figure out the way to react to it–or NOT react to it.

    Any thoughts?

  279. Hi Soulofone,

    I hear your frustration and appreciate your sharing with us.

    I have a lot of feelings around teasing and sarcasm. I’ve investigated these feelings/thoughts, over the years, and have come to some conclusions.

    People who tease and use sarcasm are cruel…they don’t always realize it, completely, but…on some level, they know what they are doing! They are leaving their ’stain’ on you, absolutely!

    Teasing and sarcasm have been accepted, by our society, as “okay” and it is used widely by many. The retort when it isn’t taken well is always, “Oh, lighten up, can’t you take a “joke”( Uh huh, right…real funny that you have just stung me!)

    Sincerity in real friendship is paramount!!!! We know, on some intuitive level, when someone is being grossly insincere, making us the bunt of their comments!

    In your case, I think you need to find someone, a friend, who is kind, speaks/acts from the heart…who is emotionally intelligent! Distancing yourself from this woman may be a good idea. You can still be pleasant enough to her, but there is no real friendship when a person leaves you always wondering, “Why did she say that?!” :( Let her throw her barbs at someone like her, an insensitive type who can throw it back at her. Lol There are plenty of them out there! You never want to join her in her ‘world’ of being ’stinky’. Ha

    Good luck to you! good friends are hard to find, but they are out there, as well!! :)

  280. P.S. If you want to try to preserve this ‘friendship’, perhaps you could have a solid, sit down, conversation with her. Tell her that you value sincerity, in friendship, more than anything else! When she casually throws out sarcasm and uses a teasing tone, you lose trust in your friendship with her! I think this conversation might help, if not, well..she is just too ‘thick’ to get it.

  281. Thank you Eve~
    I am blessed a few REALLY good friends that would never dream of doing things like this. I kind of HAVE to maintain a “nice” relationship with her…it’s the sit down that I really hate doing-even if I HAVE to–I hate the confrontational part of it. I need to grow a “pair”. I dread that.

    My husband made a comment to me that if I TOLD her that the behavior bothered me, that she would filter her true self. He thinks that what I am getting now is her 100% real person. He asked what I feel better with. Full well KNOWING what i am getting or getting a filtered (fake) version of who she is I am not the only one who has noticed how she treats me. I pondered this…which is more “safe” for me?

    Other friends have commented on it to me. “Is she jealous of you?” So I know her behavior shows.

    I have met some other people, done things with them and I keep it quiet unless she asks and then I tell her limited information. I am careful to NOT sound like “oh we had sooooo much fun. and you weren’t there!”

    And in turn she has branched out and met a few too. The difference is-I have a feeling that she is trying to USE these new people to make me jealous (and I am not jealous). Each time she mentions them to me, I say-”that sounds like a good time! that must have been fun!” and she goes on and on about how GREAT they are. I just say “good!! I am glad for you!” And I really am. (because it keeps her busy away from me)

    One of my friends, made a really silly comment using a phrase that hurt this gal’s feelings. It was 6 months ago. I apologized to her if her feelings were hurt. She assured me that they weren’t hurt. I told her that I felt bad though. OFTEN since then, whenever she can casually throw this phrase out there–she does–in that teasing manner. do I TELL her that it bothers me that she is constantly referring to an event that she knows made me feel awful? I know she does these things–what I really want to know is WHY would a person do it?

    I am just trying to process all of this. really-I didn’t even have friends like this in high school. ugh.

  282. It is good that you have other friends and are not relying on this gal for an only friendship!

    Processing is good, we all do it to maintain our sanity, also, to be sure we’re fair, honoring ourselves and others’.

    I think this woman has low self esteem and works, really hard, at trying to make herself feel better about her life. She does this by making fun/teasing others’ and by blowing up her life experiences to show how cool she is, etc. It’s like a child bragging and parading about her toys to make her ‘friends’ want them. It is an attention getter and a sad one, at that. These people often feel unfulfilled through lack of love/attention from anyone significant (to them) in their lives.

    The why (?) in all of this is mainly her way of coping.. She is filling her void/emptiness with all the fun times, cool things, see me (!) actions. She punches others’ ,with her comments, to keep them deflated…it makes her self importance rise, but only for a short time. She can be rather ‘vampire-ish’ taking from others’ to feed herself! A big UGH!

    Well, we need to pick our friends, wisely and, quite often, can maintain only one or two really good friendships…life keeps us so busy! Our family (spouse/children) should be at the TOP of that list! :)

    Sending a hug!

  283. Hey, Soulofone- You are so lucky this is your first time with this!!!
    I (and Petperson?) could write a book! I know from experience that this situation gets worse and worse until it starts messing things up for you. This is a toxic situation-and like arsenic, it builds up until it causes real harm in your life. It sounds like you are already starting to distance yourself from her and have stopped giving her information. Very good!. Cut off the flow of info fast. I do believe that there has to be some kind of direct comment on her behavior at some point (soon) in order to break the charge on the situation and sort of put her on notice, and so there is no confusion in her mind as to why you might be pulling back from the relationship. Of course, you can say everything in a genial way and take the high road always.
    She is competing with you. Why? She is a competitive person. Competitive in an unhealthy way. Healthy=you have a great life, I can do that, too. Unhealthy=I want to destroy you, take what you have, make you feel bad.
    But I do think you have to say something. It breaks the spell. And no, she’s not likely to react well to it. If she was the kind of person who was mature enough to have a talk about it, she would not be the kind of person to behave this way to begin with. Good luck. You do sound blessed…even if you aren’t allowed to say so!
    P.S. Learning to speak up to people like this is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. I consider it my major life lesson.

  284. Rocy~THANK YOU!

    …and SHE JUST DID IT AGAIN!

    a while ago we had plans to do something and it was specified that it would be “just us” (it is mostly when OTHERS are around that she displays this behavior-because it doesn’t really work for her to do it to me alone as I am a non reactor to it)

    we had free tickets to an event to take our families to. She told me that she had to promise one of her kids they could bring another friend. OK. I thought-just wait. she is going to invite another mom too even after we chatted about it being just us two and kids…just wait…
    and sure as I knew it would happen, she just tells me that she had invited this other mom and her kids to join in and she hopes i dont mind. (I have NOTHING against this other nice lady-especially because SHE has no idea she is a pawn in all of this-used to “try” to make me feel left out. The woman is the “flavor of the month”…poor thing.

    She thinks i will just cave and go with so she can make me feel left out.

    I politely respond that I think we are just going to sit this one out then. We can do something another time. (she was not expecting that)

    she gushes about how MAD she was at herself for “messing up”-and I told her (honestly)-”please go and have fun-I’m not mad” (yes-I am IRRITATED because I knew she would pull this behavior)

    do I come clean and tell her that I am feeling like she is playing games with me, and while i sometimes enjoy her company-I do not enjoy THIS?—-I know her response will be “I am not playing games!!!”

    or do I let my actions speak? Is it ever more dignified to just REACT with genial indifference….like I couldn’t care less if she comes or goes?

    if people with this RA don’t really consciously KNOW what they are doing-and it is just their way of coping and making themselves feel better–then what does it matter if I bring it up to her?

    ~thanks for all your help–I am ever appreciative

  285. ok–sorry to post again but-
    I ended up responding to her last “I am so sorry I feel so bad, like i chased you away! I thought we could all hang out!!” message with

    “You didn’t chase me. In situations like this, someone always gets hurt. So I am CHOOSING to REMOVE us from the situation. it is my decision. No games. I am being honest.”

    …I think she was suprised. I got a bunch of butt kissing messages after that…I told her I was heading out with a friend (truth).

  286. I think she is just clueless. I wonder sometimes if people, who are clumsy/awful in relationships should be held accountable. I mean they are a ‘train wreck waiting to happen.

    I guess you will need to decide if this association is more trouble than it is worth…sounds like it is to me.

    I always get irritated when people invite other people to a ‘date’ we have planned. It seems so rude, thoughtless.

    I will admit, my friendships have dwindled over the years. Your situation reminds me why. :)

  287. Hi everyone, I lasted posted on Jan 28th, since then things have improved even more dramaticaly than I could ever believed possible.I NOW REALLY BELIEVE that I deserve better friendships and they are manifesting in my life. The negative people I once had around me have disappeared, hooray! One negative friendship that remained in my life has totally transformed and we are now having a much healthier friendship than ever before. I truly believe that whatever we are attracting is coming from within us. It may be a false belief or some negative conditioning from our past Whatever is appearing in our world is a reflection of something we hold inside us. For me, it was seeking approval from people who were not able to give what I craved.I hope that my experience can help someone else, because I know like I know like I KNOW - that if we are mistreating ourselves in some way, others will follow suit. Loadsa love, Sylvia x

  288. Can I just follow that up by saying, never expect anything from anyone, just respect and love yourself, expect the best from life, know that you are a good soul and the best will come to you. x

  289. Dear SoulOfOne:

    Here’s my 2 cents:

    1. Don’t bother confronting,
    2. She doesn’t deserve an explanation, information or an apology, she knows why,
    3. Put her in the outfield,
    4. Try to only socialize with those who she has NOT absorbed into her world, or she will use second-hand info she gains through them against you,
    5. No matter how much she begs for your friendhsip back or what tactic she uses, don’t fall for it.
    6. Enjoy memories of your past friendship, but that has ended and you didn’t end it, she did. You finally got a clue is all.

    All you need is God, your family, your career and 1 or 2 GOOD friends anyway.

  290. Wow, is all I can say. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders after reading this. I have been so consumed lately with trying to figure my friend out and what her intentions are with me that I actually was starting to think I WAS the jealous one but NO after reading this I am now reassured it was the other party. I have been getting a strong feeling one of my friends is critisizing me behind my back just by the random comments she makes to me. At my surprise birthday dinner, I showed up looking all under dressed in my mom jeans because I was SURPRISED and mind you I am heavier set and she is thin. She kept telling me maybe I should wear my jeans tighter and just kept looking me up and down like I was not dressed to HER standards. I am a stay at home mom with only my husbands income coming in so I can’t afford to buy all the latest fashions as my childrens’ needs come first. It really hurts me because I was trying to lose weight at the time but she didn’t know that. Another person who was there took me aside and told me that no matter my body weight nobody could take my inner and outer beauty away.This so called critisizing friend has said so many other things as well but this has to be the one that hurts the most. I have done alot for this chick and have helped her alot and I have never felt envious towards her. I have prayed to God to give me some wisdom as to how to deal with this. I have enjoyed reading all the stories.

  291. I wish I could read every post on this because what i’ve read so far is wonderful insight and I really feel like I need to understand this subject better. I genuinely didn’t think I have much where my friends should be jealous of me. I’m not ridiculously smart, or wealthy, or even skinny, or attention grabbing. But when I look back at my so called friendships, I can’t help but wonder if jealousy played a part in why I’ve been hurt so many times.
    I saw a friend recently who has gone through many changes over the past year. She hangs out with different friends, changed her look, moved, her career in life. She is very different from the person I use to know and even though we don’t have much in common anymore I think about all the hard times she’s been through and I genuinely feel happy for her and I feel like I try to convey that as best as I can. But at the same time I am going through some wonderful experiences of my own. I feel like I don’t know where the line is between sharing what’s going on in your life and bragging. It’s just that I’m so excited to have these things happening and want to share it with the people people I care about. But she makes me feel like bragging is exactly what I’m doing. I don’t get how its ok for her to talk about all the great things going on with her, but if I do it I’m somehow being self indulgent. And also recently we were talking about guys and something reminded me of a guy I use to date and I started to tell a funny story just because I thought it was funny. Right away she cut me off and made it clear that she really didn’t care and thought it was stupid to talk about him. I just feel like I can never say anything right with her. And through all of this tension I feel like we’re both somewhat silently fighting over a mutual friend. This mutual friend is very important to me- she is the kindest person I know and I love her to death and I introduced her to the “jealous?” friend. I’ll call “jealous friend” jess and mutual friend mel. So, and I know this sounds completely childish but, mel was initially my friend and i introduced them. now jess acts like she’s more excited to see and talk to mel than she is to me. she’s a complete sweetheart to mel right in front of my face but then makes me out to be some self centered boy crazy attention hog. and i know writing a long post talking about myself makes it seem that way as well, but really the whole reason i have to do this is because i can’t talk to anyone about how i’m feeling. i can always talk to mel but seeing as she is also jess’s friend i don’t want to put her into an awkward position. but anyways i look back on past friendships and its like a pattern. i find a couple of great friends, we all end up hanging out, then they become friends and kick me to the curb. and it makes me wonder, is there something horrible about me that makes people not want to stick around with me? I feel like i give everything i can to these people and always put myself and my feelings on the backburner but at the end of the day, I always end up questioning what I did wrong, was I too selfish, have I not considered them enough? It’s come to the point where I’m barely making new friends because I’m scared of saying something wrong, (side story: when I am comfortable I can have a sarcastic sense humor, not mean just dry and sometimes quick) , am i going too far with my sarcasm, sharing too much, not sharing enough. so i just keep quiet, and then know one gets to know me. its taken a toll on my self confidence, and my ability to meet people for even networking for my career. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything when i say this, but people describe me as being very sweet and helpful, even my closest friends say it. but then how come they treat me and make me feel like i’m not? I don’t know if it has to do with jealous but i have found that the people who are most secure with themselves and don’t need to be jealous, don’t need to bring their friends down like that. they can be happy for them and all the good things that come their way. i’ve only met a couple of people like that recently, but because of my past experiences i’m scared that i’m closing myself to them because i feel like i have nothing positive to contribute…

  292. Hi Janey,

    I wish I had an answer because you are obviously going through a lot
    right now.

    I do think spending some time reading these posts might give you some answers. so man of these people have similar problems. There is a lot to learn about “friendships” on this site!

    Your so called friend “Jess” sounds just awful and is not a friend at all. anyone who cuts you off in the middle of a funny story is just plain rude.

    The next time you meet a new friend don’t be overly anxious to introduce them to people like Jess.

    I do wish you good luck. If you can have just one good friend, that would be great. Good friends are hard to find! :)

  293. Wow! So many sufferers of happiness.

    Its amazing to read some of your stories, and mine is no different. My mother has been manipulative over my life and others and recently I discovered that it was often triggered by her fear of others and my success. In my country, Kenya, it is common to find individuals who are only comfortable around you when your life is mediocre. As soon as you aspire for more you are labelled as arrogant, selfish or a betrayer. Sometimes outright hostility may be used against you, much like the case of the famous monkey-banana experiment. I grew up feeling guilty for being happy or unique and many tried to convince me that I was just average. Yet I yearned to discover myself.

    8 years ago I left for a different country to live my life away from what I perceived at the time to be a bring-me-down culture. I came back without much to show in a material sense, but boy am I glad to have acqired a different mindset!

    I am very comfortable in my own skin, take care of myself and have high ambitions. At the same time I take time to meet with people, listen and empathise. My relationship with God gets stronger every day and I’ve learnt to rely less on people and more on Him. Despite or because of this, I have found myself on the receiving end of malicious acts from both friends and family.

    My previous boss, tried as hard as she could to find fault with me. She put me down at meetings, changed my contract to include impossible targets, ignored my contributions and even tried to flirt with me. Eventually she fired me for standing my ground on the targets claiming that I was ‘impossible to work with’.

    i’ve tried to make new friends since my return, but its been a landmine. As soon as some relise that my joy is genuine and not an act, they try to convince me how impossible life is. Other times they ‘warn’ me about being arrogant. In fairness, I must say that I’ve seen a shift in some of the people I hang out with, including my mother. My sister has learnt that I’m not easily manipulated and has reduced her theatrics and demanding money in the name of brotherly love.

    Its been difficult to accept that seeking genuine happiness in life rubs some people the wrong way. But I guess that since misery loves company, happiness demands solitude.

  294. “…since misery loves company, happiness demands solitude.”
    Love this, Wilbur! So sad, but true! I also concur with the idea that when you stop taking the manipulative treatment, haters will back off a bit, but some are so stubborn and toxic that you just have to cut them loose.

  295. Thanks for sharing with us, Wilbur! Just this morning I woke up thinking that I wanted to stay a happy person, even though there are ’sad sacks’ around me! It’s important that we don’t let the negativity of others’ destroy
    our own happy attitude. There can be a tendency to give in and join the sour puss pack! :)

    Rocy, I join you in loving Wilbur’s comment “…since misery loves company, happiness demands solitude”. It’s freaky that one has to be happy alone! I guess this is why I love my cats and my art!

    Thanks to both of you for adding to this site…so much insight, here!

  296. Hi !!!!!!!!!!!.
    I have suffered jealousy from a very good “friend ” , her husband left her with a 6 year old child so I tried to cheer her up , my husband never liked her but I thought he was wrong…my friend kept on chatting married guys , even statrted a relationship with a married guy even though I told her to give up she kept on telling me he loved her…my friend has been very ill but her prince charming did not even call her.
    I have a devoted husband , a lovely 8 year old daughter & a very rewarding job , she was mean & nasty towards me , my family , my looks ( I believe I am a quite attractive 41 year old who takes care of herself ) but on the other hand I am a very caring , nice , compassionate human being …why some of my girlfriends behave nastily to me?

  297. I have that same problem, its been like that since High School. Now its going on at my job, and im one of the nicest people you could ever meet. I dont know why people act so jealous, I dont have a jealous bone in my body, but we must be doing something right, cause we all are blessed, so we cant worry about it.

  298. Hey Everyone, I just read this wildest thing somewhere on the net about people with RH negative blood types spreading this kind of a vibe out that makes others uncomfortable. I have A neg blood type.  I am wondering if there are more blood type negatives here. I know it sounds weird, but I am one of those people for no solid reason everyone around me creates this jealousy…sometimes it gets weird I read in their eyes that they want to be me or better than me. And trust me I DON’T CREATE A BASE for that nonsense. I don’t compete at all.

  299. Hmmm, blood types…well, you just never know! Just wait though,”If you get old enough, fat enough, poor enough…no one will be jealous!!” My older sister just shared that with me! :) :)

  300. hii all… when i was doing my degree.. we used to be a gang of five.. it seemed we enjoyed lot… of all that five one gal used to be good and i thought she was my real friend of all that gang.. but when i got a very good job.. they could not able to digest.. they did nt even wished me for my success.. all are very much angry and in hatred.. i could not understand why they were behaving like this… they started avoiding me.. they cried a lot.. i was shocked… i felt very bad… very sad could nt express how much i felt.. they started escaping from me.. when i came in one way they went in other way… of all the one gal whom i believed was the main leader for doing such type of activities… she is very clever… very very clever,,,, why these frnds are so mean… so painful …

  301. Hi Canucia,

    Jealousy is a hard one to understand. I think people get to know you in a certain way and want you to stay that way. When we move to a higher/better level (in their eyes) they feel that we have changed and they don’t measure up anymore. They don’t want to see us doing so well and when they compare their own lives to our lives, they feel that something didn’t go right for them…it seems unfair. The fact that we worked very hard to get where we are, maybe even sacrificed a great deal, doesn’t seem to dawn on them!

    I have said this before (on this site) once we realize that jealousy has come into a relationship, we have to move on. A real friend will talk to you about hers/his feelings. They won’t go behind your back and start trouble. We need to find people who are similar in their successes, goals, etc.AND more mature ,more confident. Kind people!! :)

    As you can see (just on this site), you are far from alone! This is a fairly common problem!

    When I was a younger woman, men would often flirt and want to date me. They would often comment on my eyes since I had very large, expressive eyes. My women ‘friends’ would often tease me and say things like “Your eyes look like saucers!”. I never got any kind of compliments from women. Now, that I am much older, and no longer a threat (to their men) they say, “Wow, you have the biggest eyes, so pretty!” Hmmm Oh well…jealousy takes many forms!

    I just thought I would share a bit of ‘my story’. :) We just have to swallow hard, forgive as much as possible. We human beings are far from perfect!

    Good luck to you in your career and congratulations!!

  302. Eve/Petperson, first of all, thanks for directing me to the Empath connection site. I did find great deal of information on the site and other empath sites…helping me a lot lately.

    I do end up dealing with great amount of jealousy in my life from friends, co-workers…you won’t believe it, but even from cashier in stores…such resentment…I keep wonder why? for nothing, actually. My physician the other day looked at my chart noticing my age, staring at my face for a while and with a slight resentment and anger in her voice said, ‘oh you kept that skin healthy, what are you doing, using expensive creams and all…’ She was not having conversations with me…she did not even give me a room to say anything and kept talking and making her own conclusion she said…’oh yeah your Mediterranean skin, thick and oily and on and on….’ Wow I say! She wasn’t complementing…I can tell the difference between complements and resentments. Then I thought about your comment on getting old and not having much to make others jealous. Sweet…true…:) I don’t do it to myself anymore, but several years ago after every single attack I used to think ‘I wish I wasn’t pretty.’ This jealousy thing is kind of big for me because I grew up with a narcissistic sister and with her jealousy attacks.

    Thanks for all of your support.

  303. Hi Sage,

    I think there is jealousy, no doubt about it, and I also think that some people are clueless as to what they are saying…and how the are hurting with words!

    Being pretty is definitely a disadvantage in friendship…especially with other women! It might help getting a job, etc., but it can actually lead to a lonely life! Who would ever think that this would be the case?!

    I married (again) at an older age and was surprised/shocked to hear my new husband (also older) say, “These young, beautiful women must think life owes them something! ‘Yikes! Did I ever set him straight! Lol I shared some of my stories, as a young woman (considered to be attractive) and how it is not an easy life, etc. I think he learned something! People just assume so much!

    This is such an interesting site to share and learn from. We share things that go much deeper than what is seen on the surface. I like that. :)

    Being sensitive, pretty, and empathic (!), is a life of struggle. I think age does help (some). We do not experience as much jealousy and
    we learn how to sidestep/avoid thoughtless/sometimes mean folks. Stay in touch and don’t be too discouraged!

  304. Eve/Petperson, thank you very much for such insight. That actually explains also why I always had close male friends than female friends. It never occurred to me before that either being sensitive or attractive could be reasons for life struggle, but, sadly it is. I, for years, kept adjusting myself thinking that I must be doing something wrong.

    I guess I am looking forward to aging now. :) Thanks again.

  305. I really need help with letting go of my friend of 20yrs but I cant seem to do it!

    I never realized how someone so close to me not be happy when things are going so well in my life. Only shows caring in past when i was miserable. Yes she was there for me but why cant she be there sharing my joy when things are going good for me?? After reading all the post I realized that she is jealous of me. No matter how nice iam to her no matter how happy i get when things are going good for her; shes still rude/mean always trying to put me down with things from the past or worse wosrhips the worse for me etc… Ive confronted and asked if she cared for my happiness? and her reply was of “of course” but I go on people actions not their words. I know what I need to do but I dont know how???? HELP !

  306. Hi Adelina,

    So sorry for your pain! You know, sometimes the pain has to become unbearable before we will move on. It’s too bad we can’t do it sooner, but it is so hard to break these close ties!

    Just know, you are not alone. We all have a hard time ‘breaking up’ with a long time friend…the truth is, we simply outgrow them!

    It sounds like you are not too far from the end of this so called friendship. Just remember you will open the door for someone else to enter you life! I hope the next time you will choose someone who is more your equal!

    Good luck to you!!

  307. I would love to meet women are not jealous of someones looks/relationship etc….

    I’ve always been attacked /bullied from my “friends” and I try so hard to be nice to every single one of them. Always give compliments always the first to lend a helping hand and they know it too. However,
    never received 1 compliment from women in my circle. I’m a very secure women; I was blessed with good looks but I do not carry myself stock up/ rude. If anything people take my kindeness and abuse it tremendously…. I fear that I will never have genuine friendships….

  308. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve decided to write her a letter and although I would love to cut her in person I don’t think I will be able too.

    It seems that everybosy else I can tolerate they might not be to happy for me when things are going well but they don’t hurt me like my “friend” from childhood.

  309. Well, being good looking can actually cause more ill will than just about anything. Being good looking AND successful is a double whammy! :(

    Just about the only way to avoid this is to get involved with a group of people who are more interested in their ‘hobby/activities’ than they are looks/money/ For example, being an artist, living, breathing, talking art, may be the main focus. Or say you belong to a spiritual group, or writer’s group, or rock climbing group, etc. etc. Your focus is the activity and not real personal ’stuff’ like clothes, cars, big house, fancy jewelry, a great relationship, etc.,…things a lot of people get jealous around!

    Being active, with healthy activities, creates a bond on a different level. Talking “shop” is a safer area to be with friends. They are not looking at your cute figure, great jewelry, fabulous wardrobe, etc. etc.

    These are just some possibilities to think about! Also, just having ONE GOOD FRIEND is actually all we need. Not everyone will love us…especially, if we have a lot going for us!!! Jealousy will always be around…way too bad!

  310. Dear adelina3331:

    Maybe your close friend has a stronger tendency to make comparisons with you because you have known each other so long, and things haven’t worked out for HER like she may have envisioned in life long ago. This may be especially hard for her to take — as a longtime friend who got used to comparing herself with you out of habit. Instead of considering that doing so can be an unhealthy way to live, it became second nature for her to compare. Maybe when things got drastically good for you, she couldn’t STOP comparing — the habit was ingrained.

    You might be SO good looking that you may have a hard time finding ANY friend (female) you can trust fully. Look around — are you in the top 2% in looks? Try to be objective. Sometimes really good looking people get de-sensitized to how attractive they are because it’s the same old them they see in the mirror every day. They also get used to the reactions they get from the general publoic and wrongly think that everyone gets the same reactions they do. Or, they try to ignore it on purpose — they don’t want to acknowledge that their looks alone is enough to turn probably 85% of the same-sex population against you from the first 5 seconds after introduction. They think if they don’t acknowledge their good looks, they won’t have to correlate or acknowledge the (unfortunate) negative consequences it causes in others. But you can’t go through life with your head in the sand.

    You may be UNDER-estimating your own looks (as compared to the populace) AND OVER-estimating the goodness and emotional security of most of mankind simultaneously. Any inaccurate appraisal of the true situation is not going to serve you well in the long run, so take stock and prepare yourself emotionally. Namely, you MAY have indeed been blessed with rare good looks (for which you have a certain cosmic responsibility to bear up under some mild indignities at times with patience, forgiveness and poise if you want to ride them out in the easiest manner). Likewise realize that we are a fallen race (at least we all each start out that way but I don’t want to digress into Bibical teachings here) and therefore you may be expecting too much of most folks.

    You may be better off assuming that you won’t find loyalty in female companionship and then be pleasantly surprised if it does!

  311. Hi Mustang Sally (my favorite song,by ,the way :))

    I know this is your response to Adelina, but I wanted to tell you that it has helped me to understand so much! I just wish someone had written this to me so many years ago…oh, the suffering I could have let go of!

    Adelina, if you are tuning in…listen up! Mustang has written you your answer, right on!

  312. First of all thank you sooo much for your words. I think for the first time I understand my best friend. She compares herself to me without even knowing it. Everytime something good happens to me/compliments (from men) in front of her i notice that it changes her mood. We can be having the best time; the minute a man compliments/offers me anything her attitude changes completly. What bothers the s%*# (Sorry) is that she benefits from everything I get, EVERYTHING. For as long as I can remember (lets say 5yrs)
    Ive given “best friend” best birthdays ever. I know its going to sound bad what I’m about to share but here it goes- since men are so eager to impress me I’ve taken advantage of the situation so Ill mention to them that its my best friends birthday and i want to so something special etc….. They will take us out/spoil her completly/ best restaurants/ bottle services at clubs name it this women loves when her birthday comes around. This is not only on her birthday but its when she gets spoiled the most. Thats why it bothers me so much that she uses me when its convenient for her!!! Im 32 (look like early 20s) shes 30 (attractive as well but looks her age) and thats another thing noone ever guesses my age but guesses hers which is bad because I’m older. We are not young anymore but since neither one of us is married we still go out and meet people. However, I’m dying to settle down and I recently met a black men (I’m Latina) who I pray hes the one. He is handsome, smart, successful, kind and is crazy about me. It’s to soon to predict but our relationship is going full speed. Well my best friend is black but she does not date black men ONLY white men so I doubt that she would have an issue that I’m dating a black men??? And since I’ve never dated outside my race; I’ve never gave it to much thought until now. Should I ask her bluntly if she has a problem with me and a black man? or sit her down and ask her why the comparisons? I love her very much and like I said before other womens jealousy, I’m so use it that I’ve learned to protect myself emotinally. At work I keep mostly to myself dont even wear make up /dress very conservative and yet the green monster is around me; but been puttin up with it so long that I’ve learned to adapt.
    However, when it comes to my best friend I simply can’t ignore it hurts me a lot.

  313. Hi Adelina,

    Oddly enough, your best friend seems to have you scurrying about to appease her every whim. You have actually spoiled her…like a spoiled brat that wants more all the time. Yuck!

    She probably does love you, in her way, but also uses you and takes advantage of your good nature. There are ‘vampires’ out there that will suck you dry and expect more after that! :( This hurts so much…sure doesn’t feel like love!!

    No one can tell you how to handle all of the subtleties of this relationship. Mustang sure gave you an insightful response!

    You are, who you are, pretty and have a lot going for you! I mean, can you help that? Lol You can never fill the void, a HUGE void, like your friend is experiencing. Nothing you do will ever fill her feelings of not being enough…never being able to be YOU!

    You will keep chasing after her, wanting her to love you, support you, be your REAL FRIEND, but you are spinning your wheels! Sorry, but this is the truth!

    Honestly, if she could drop ten years, look a lot better than you, etc.etc., the “shoe would be on the other foot”. I wonder what kind of friend she would be then? Hmm…I’m just wonder…I know, pretty silly!

    What happens to what’s real in us…our capacity to love, be sincere, really care, be a real friend when we live on looks and what we can get from someone??! This is really a very shallow way to live. We DO eventually wrinkle, get old, everything SAGS…it happens to everybody!!! Then, looking back on these conversations about ‘who looks the best, etc, who attracts men, etc. can be a total, freaking blank! Means absolutely nothing!

    The only thing that matters when these days come around is…what kind of love have I surrounded myself with?! Do I have one or two people in my life that really knows how to love…love me for my heart, for who I am? Bottom line that is all that has meaning!! Fake friends become a sorry memory…wasted time.

    I hope you are getting something from these conversations. The quality of people you surround yourself with now, in these younger years, will mean everything to you as you grow older! In ten measly years, you will be 42! It doesn’t take long to leap to 52! You can be an attractive ‘older woman’, but…oh brother, you better have these one or two SINCERE, LOVING, people in your life or you will be forever sorry!!! Just trust me on this! :)

  314. Character

    The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow:
    Do good anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win some false friends.
    And some true enemies.
    Succeed anyway.

    If you are kind, people may accuse of being selfish,
    And having alternative motives;
    Be kind anyway.

    What you spend years building, someone may try to
    destroy overnight. Build anyway.

    If you are honest and Frank, people may cheat you.
    Be honest and Frank anyway.

    Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough:
    Give the world the best you have anyway.

    If you find serenity and happiness, they may envy you.
    Be happy anyway.

    You see in the final analysis, its between you and God:
    It was never between you and them anyway.

    I wanted to share with you ladies. It’s help me a lot.

  315. As always thank you for taking your time to reply. I know that time passes us by and looks fade away. What really matters it’s how we treat others. I guess I always visioned us being each others made of honor. I pictured us growing old; reminiscing about the trips we took/ fun we had/our kids growing up together etc…. and it hurts that I’m so far from reality.

    I’m literally in tears because how can someone change so drastically?? All up to maybe in our early 20s we had a strong relationship, but slowly but surely I notice her changing. Now out of control.

    Very sad to believe that I might never find a real genuine friendship with a woman; because I believe that we all need friends. Men might come and go but your family as well as your friends always stay.

    I know what I need to do.

    Thank you.

    Adelina.

  316. Hi, again! :)

    A quick note! We just live and learn and sometimes the learning is very painful.

    We all wish we could have the ‘ideal’ in relationships, but the hard truth is…people are people. They show weaknesses and traits that we do not admire/like. We do have to learn to forgive and allow for some of these ‘not so cool’ personality traits, but we must know when our boundaries are being violated.

    I’ve had “stories in my head” about the perfect friends, the fabulous relationship, etc., etc. It is a rare person to realize all their dreams to come true (is that possible?!). We just do our best to be sincere and loving, but all the while with a certain caution. “Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing”…

    I tell my young friends to ask a new friend, guy or gal, what was your childhood like? Do you love your parents? This may sound crazy, but people who have had lots of dysfunction, in their lives, will take years to work out their “stuff” and they will break you in the process! It’s not that they are ‘bad’ people, but often very confused and damaged. In other words, they take a long time to figure out what life/love is all about! Very sad, but true.

    Let us know how you are doing! Big hug!

  317. I’m surprised that so many people share similar experiences as mine. I didn’t get much attention from guys when I was in high school. I had a few very close (attractive) friends in school, they always had many boyfriends and guys pursuing them. I was always the girl that sat next to my friends while guys try to talk to me so they can pursue my friends-never me. My grades were only above average (not the top notch governer’s award student), I studied hard enough to stay on the honour roll and made it to university. I met my husband when I was finishing my degree-that’s when my life changed 180. My husband became my best friend and worked very hard together with me to save up for our wedding and down payment. Surprisingly, I was the first out of my group of high school girls to get married and to own a house. My hot high school friends spent their youthful years clubbing, partying, shopping for expensive bags, and changing boyfriends so they never settled down or had enough savings. I was the ugly duckling, so due to my insecurities, I always had savings and plan well ahead for my future.

    But ever since I announced my engagement, I noticed a dramatic difference. One of my friends even told me she didn’t want to attend my wedding even though I told her about it 1.5 years in advance (when I first got engaged). Then over the years after I got married, got promoted (I work REALLY hard, and tried to continue to study for my designation), moved to a bigger house, and now I’m pregnant…. my friends just completely stopped calling or seeing me.

    Every time I hold a party and invite them over, they would find an excuse not to come. I’m so sad… I don’t even hold parties for my friends anymore now. I have a big nice house, but what’s the point? No one is going to visit me and show up to my parties… I’m just a very simple woman. I just want to have some girls over, drink tea and chit chat just like when we had slumber parties back in high school.

    You know, it’s very unfair. My husband and I worked hard, and planned ahead for our future since years ago. That’s why we are where we are today. It’s not like we robbed someone, or just got a chunk of free money (ie. inheritance or lottery, etc).

    We earned everything that we have, it’s frustrating that my friends are jealous of us as if we don’t deserve it or something. That’s how I feel, they make me feel like I don’t deserve what I have because I was always the ugly duckling that sat quietly next to them while they joined the cheerleader teams and I watched them from the bleachers… I was never the spotlight and was never the one to go on stage. Therefore, I shouldn’t be the one having a great husband, good career, babies and a house. That’s how I feel sometimes…

  318. Dear Hard-Working-
    Why don’t you start a book club or a “Mommy an Me” club where other Moms and their kids come to your house for play dates? I don’t know what country you are in, but there are online avenues for starting clubs like that. Then you can enjoy your big house with new friends. Just and idea. Your old friends don’t seem to have much in common with you anymore…It’s so nice that you have a supportive husband.

  319. Hi, Hardworking,

    Rocy has a grand idea! :) Also, meetup.com is a great place to meet new friends! There are groups all around the U.S. in small and large towns. You can join up with couples, just the ladies, book clubs, wine tasting groups, Christian groups…just about anything you can think of…I think there are even mommy groups!

    You will have couples coming to your lovely home in no time! The nice part is you meet everyone at a local restaurant, Starbuck’s, etc. and get to know them.

    As you can see, on this site, there are many of us “in your same boat”. You must take steps to change this and be proactive in order to get your social going! Have ha houseful by Christmas!! :)

    Good luck to you!!!!

  320. Dear Hardworking Housewife:

    I think you hit the nail on the head: “I was never in the spotlight and was never the one to go on stage. Therefore, I shouldn’t be the one having a great husband, good career, babies and a house.”

    People tend to put others in their lives in a box, expecting them to always be the same. They got used to seeing you as a slight “underdog” and can’t deal. Also, they LIKED the OLD situation, and don’t want to give it up. If they keep hanging out with you, they will have to give it up — so they don’t. They might also be punishing you for ‘getting there first.’

    Of course, it isn’t anybody’s place to decide what kind or size of blessings others can receive from God. Trying to do so is arrogance. Being blessed isn’t arrogance.

    eve/peterson and Rocy had some good ideas of where to get NEW friends. Your old friends can go do the perfect cheer.

  321. i swear i going through same thing i just got merry i see that everyone that say they was my friendz are no were be found. i have one friend who tell me all time that they are jealous of me becuz im always with my husband that i got a house car i dont undstand why cant you just be happy for me

  322. Wow. I know this is a late reply but I am glad I found this forum… I am 27, gay and experiencing the same with former friends and some guys I’ve been trying to be friends… Their insecurity is so big sometimes it just comes out all the time. I recently took a 2 day road trip with a guy i was trying to be friends with and man that mini vacation turned out to be into a stressful baby sitting situation. Some guys would approached me and as soon as it was just the 2 of us he would throw a fit and started mistreating me saying he wanted to live, that he was watching me with the guys and jokingly think he hated me… Anyway please keep in mind this was just supposed to be a friend and he also knew this. Then my former friend a girl we had a lot of things in common but at some point I decided to take a long break from her because she was getting jealous of me making good money and being younger than her even though she knew my life had been very hard b4 that and I was just trying to make something for myself. I reunited with her and the same thing again just jealousy coming out her pores. I didn’t feel comfortable discussing my ambitions and future plans with her anymore because I was afraid of more jealousy and bitter, sarcasm. I had to end that friendship by slowly distancing myself. I wish I could find a friend I can just hang out and relax with without worrying about those things… I know I am ambitious and I like nice things in life my my life is not perfect and I am working on improving it and make it the best of it so I can achieve those things I know will make me feel good about myself and be happier and that process would be wonderful with good friends… Anyway just reading the stories above I felt better and I know all you can do about it is try and surround yourself with better people and KEEP ON LIVING YOUR LIFE, COS YOU ONLY GOT ONE! So what? ;) Michael3

  323. I was so happy to find this because i thought it was only me!
    I was adopted but have had it hard with adopted family/heritage. Not a nice story. At now32 i know what i want, where i stand, and doing everything to make it happen. I can say i’am happy and going to be happier each day, i’ am proud of myself, i love me, life.I have great gifts that iam going to use to be even more successful. But in France i noticed if u are happy u are not to say it, if u are sad same thing because if u do “family” or “friends” will do anything to sabotage u! Their favorite past time is mental sabotage, its way more effective, trust me when u are a child and depend on people because u don’t have a choice its tuff. I have learnt the hard way that no one like another to be happy! Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy.The only thing missing is my other half can’t wait!

  324. It is sooo important to “rise above it all”! As children we have no choice, but as we grow older and observe life, we can choose our friends and partners! We can choose a better way of living and surround ourselves with people who care, who are positive and live a healthy, happy lifestyles. It can be a good life, a happy life, but we have to be wise in who we surround ourselves and be alert to abusive, toxic, people!!

    Gay, straight, color, creed, etc…it is wisdom of choice that makes the difference…choose wisely! :)

  325. You guys are great here!!!++++++

  326. Just wanted to update everybody who gave me advice.
    For starters I ended my friendship of 20 years and even though
    it was one of the hardest things I’ve done; I feel better about not having to listen all her negative/hateful remarks. I’ve been surrounding myself with great woman who genuinely want me happy. I appreciate each and once of you; who not only gave me advice but share your pain as well.

    Michael- seems like you have your smart/ambitous/hansome man so don’t let anyone make you feel bad for what you have and what you want in life. I’ve learned that the less you talk about work/man/money/accomplishments etc… the less this jealous green monsters attack. With tiem you will know who really want the best for you. Good luck to everybody.

  327. adelina,

    Thanks for letting us know how you are doing! it takes courage to do what you have done. It sounds like you are on the right track! Congratulations! :)

  328. Nope, ur not alone. I call them haterz. They want your life. Too bad for them. Pray for them. Keep doing you, but do it strongr n harder. God giv you air too breath not them.

  329. It’s really interesting to see all of these posts. I am 20 years old and am experiencing exactly the same problems as everybody on this post. It’s so frustrating that people are so jealous. I study at a good University and am doing a course which a lot of people consider to be something for really intelligent people. I do not see it in this way. I am never arrogant or brag about what I do, in fact I avoid talking about it because I get an awkward look and silence if I do. I was brought up in a singe parent family and come from an area considered to be rough. I get the feeling my friends dislike me because of my success. On top of this I find it hard to fit in at University where the majority of people come from a completely different background to me. They do not like to associate themselves with me because I don’t have that beautiful car bought for me by my parents and all the money to flash about. Because of all of this my view on life has completely started to change. I don’t see things in the same way. It’s just so sad that people have to worry so much about others succes and not go out there and grab it themselves if they want it so bad. :(

  330. Your life sounds like it can be pretty tough. I know this won’t help much, but once you are older and start your career, things will equal out more. Having a great education is a perfect equalizer, admired by many.

    So many people (including myself) have come from “rough areas”, raised by a single parent, etc. During the early years in school, high school, early college years, the differences in backgrounds are especially noticeable and painful, but “bootstrap people” are very admired by older peer groups! They admire people who have worked hard to get an education in spite of their rough start in life.

    Coming from a tougher background/upbringing provides an individual with survival instincts and more resilient when life gets rough! Also. remember, some of the ‘old friends’ from your past may be intimidated by you!! It’s possible that they feel inferior to you.

    Education will open many doors for you! Give yourself some time, try to forgive the ignorance of people. Often they don’t mean you any harm and have their own life difficulties…we all have our own kinds of problems. :) Many of those wealthy students come from abusive homes…you would be surprised!

    Join groups for fun at meetup.com! People sign up to meet one another…there are other people, like yourself, who just want to have someone to hang to out with!

    Good luck to you!!

  331. I am so glad I found this site. I have always had the same pattern throughout life. I came from a poor backgroud, worked hard at a rough school, got good grades and went to uni. Got good jobs, getting promoted quickly and worked my jacksy off. I met a fella with the same goals and ambition,invested in property, made good and now live in a nice big house with a big pool and have two great kids. I only say this as background, because I never tell anyone anything much about it all. I am a lovely person, very caring, hard working, but feel lonely at times because people seem to be so jealous of us. We work so hard and are careful with our investments. we are very generous to people and very grounded. I wish we could all get in touch and support each other more regularly, it seems very much we are all of very similar in our nature and drive. maybe I should stop being so nice ut at 41 I am who i am. I have nothing to prove and only ever feel genuinely pleased for people I think we should all create a support club and be genuinely supportive of each other and not feel like we have to dumb down or pretentd to be less than we are.

  332. Hi Jill!

    Congratulations on “making it happen”. :) It sounds like you and your hubby have worked hard to create a wonderful home and family environment. This is no easy task and so many people, even those with a good ‘head start’, cannot make it to the finish line!

    I hear you when you say you often feel lonely. It really can be “lonely at the top”. I think one of the unfortunate situations faced by “bootstrap” people is that they no longer belong in the “old neighborhood”, and find themselves feeling a little uncomfortable surrounded by the people in the “new” neighborhood…the “silver spoon people! Their history is so different and to find the common ground in conversation and history is often tricky. Belonging anywhere feels hazy!

    I think this is why we hear of celebrities, like Oprah, who have an old friend (often their only real friend) like Gail,who remembers her “back when and who” we are. Of course Oprah has showered Gail with so many opportunities to make something of herself, as well. We know little of the whole story…only what the tabloids tell us! I like to think she has loyalty and love in this relationship!!

    So, what to do? I think we bootstrap people have to accept these differences. We will always know that we are somewhat different from our ‘new crowd’! Our old friends are jealous and our new friends really don’t know us…not our history, etc.

    I was surrounded by Harvard graduates knowing that I had attended a low ranking local college. My peer group was scaling the corporate ladder with doors opening in every direction! My husband an I had to bang away at those doors to get in!! Lol

    Bottom line, I think we have to ‘hang loose’ enjoy those good times with our family, business associates, small social group (old and new), keeping our expectations lower. Disappointment will not come so often if we lower those expectations! It’s like looking at a vacation brochure, with all the fantastic photos, expecting a spectacular vacation (!)…upon arrival the place is a dump! :) If we calm our expectations down, then we can keep a certain equilibrium/our center. We won’t drop so far!

    Volunteering is a great equalizer! I have found when I am with people who are working for a certain “cause” many of the feelings of being different will drop away. The cause becomes the focal point and not “who you are and where did you come from, what to you have, etc”! We have a goal in common, that’s all! ;)

    I know I can ramble, but if just one sentence helps! Great!!!

    Let us know how you are doing!

  333. A support club is a great idea, Jill!

  334. How to deal with jealousy (and believe me, I’ve seen it all - from mother to ex-husband, from males, females, church, the whole lot, for all sorts of stupid reasons):
    * BE YOURSELF. And if that includes sharing your accomplishments, then so be it. I boast unashamedly, not just because I like to boast but because I am “good” and know it, and if anyone doesn’t like it, then tough sh*t - they are clearly not as disciplined. Not my problem. I enjoy being what others might call a “narcissist” - I joke about it. I don’t care about “how many” “so-called” friends I have. I think about adding value to culture through my own excellence in my field.
    I am in my element when performing and entertaining, I put value on achieving and being slim, good-looking and creative. I am not going to downplay myself for anyone else. There is too much cr*p about women “ought”ing to hide their light under a bushel. It’s all bullsh*t.
    * VALUE YOURSELF. Other people’s evaluation of yours is only perceived, and can be deceiving. It is NOT a reflection of true value. he general public’s taste is pretty poor anyway.
    * PEOPLE ARE INSINCERE. Even if they do compliment you, don’t believe everything anyone tells you. Take it with a pinch of salt.
    * DO NOT GIVE A SH*T. Easier said than done. I have had an experience with a church choir (mainly composed of a cliquey teacher set) where some of the women (a group of 3 or 4 I believe) were so jealous of the fact that I had been chosen to sing a solo by the choir director (even though the concert was nothing to do with our church choir, it was out of their vocal range and effectively I was the only one with the voice and personality to sing it) that they went and complained to him, and vetoed the concert (which went brilliantly BTW). There was a lot of jealousy about other things in church from other individuals as well, so I have decided not to offer my help unless absolutely necessary. These people aren’t worth the time.
    * PEOPLE SUCK. Tell yourself this everytime they are a pain in the a$$.. They can’t help it. It’s just what they do. Don’t expect too much from them. It’s good to be cynical. Far from being negative, it can be used in a positive manner, to control the feeling of “upset-”ness by other people’s ignoring or nastiness.
    Who are you living your life for, yourself or other people? Think about it - you feed the jealousy everytime you allow yourself to be upset by it. Don’t give a sh*t about these people, and make sure they know it. Life’s a load of b*ll*cks anyway - it’s not worth busting a gut over.

  335. Hi TigerLily,

    I think it’s whatever works for you! I’m not quite where you are, but at the end of the day, I feel pretty good about my life/choices, etc. :)

    We all have different ’styles’ and that makes the world more than interesting! “To thine own self be true”…amen to that!

    Keep shining your light!

  336. I painstakingly climb the latter of succes from a very bad upbringing in a poor family. We all did. They chose entertainment/modeling. I chose college. They laughed at me. Said I will be in school forever. Said I would be in debt forever. I encouraged them, congratulated them on their exaggerated achievements. Its been twelve years and I have yet to see them make there break through on tv. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. If it takes 50 years to accomplish your dream and your up for the challenge, cudos to you for persevering! But dont knock another individuals hustle.We all want success and are finding different ways of getting it. I knew them since grade school. My best friends in the world- we used to say. As time changed, I changed in a sense that my spirit no longer flowed with them. I cannnot be a “yes girl.” I have came to the realization that most of the world is like this and it is painful to know but my heart grows stronger everyday. Anyway, all I ever wanted was to make more of my life. That is the ultimate offense to them. Why? I ask. Why when you dare to want something more are friends and family so angered by that. As if my success is hindering their own. People are so complex.I have my own problems and cannot be the sole provider of self esteem to insecure people. I shouldnt have to put my acheivements aside to talk with you endlessly about whats happening in your rolling stone of a life when you cant reciprocate the support I just keep quiet and continue to climb that mountain. I put my headphones, blocking out all negativity and concentrate on the climb. I suppose time and hard work will reveal the ultimate truth.

  337. It’s interesting that we can grow up with people and then grow so far apart. As that old saying goes, “Different strokes for different folks” :)

    I am so different from my siblings and most of the people I grew up with! Many of them are still in our hometown and I have moved several times to different states. I think we grow a lot when we move around, meet different people, have different experiences, etc.

    I guess the bottom line is if we are feeling food about our choices, we just continue growing and that may mean growing away from the ‘old gang’! There is a sense of sadness to this (at least I think so), but life goes on and perhaps a new friend here and there.

    Good luck to you in your choices. It sure sounds like you are solid in what you are doing. Keep climbing! :)

  338. Wow Definteley good to not be alone since I deal with the same things. A few years ago my life was a complete train wreck. I had severe depresion and was in and out of group therapy because I was so down. I gained a lot of weight and was going nowhere in life. Than in time I decided I had enough enough and turned my life around. I hit the gym and lost 55 lbs and than enrolled in college which I will be finishing this march. In escense my life was coming together but more good things started happening the more nastier people got. I had humble beginnings as well and alot of family members who are hs dropouts and alcoholics. I was feeling great about myself but people in my life just always treated me like dirt. I also noticed complete strangers hating me or having an attittude with me. I deal with this in everyday life, now, wether it be in school, work the gym etc. People generally just hate me for how I look or appear them. Ive had people even act violent towards me. Like whats my life to random people, whats it to em. I just want to be happy and enjoy the successes that I have earned by my hardwork. Its; like your not upposed to do well in life or something.

  339. I am sorry to hear that Carrie I know how you feel.

  340. Wow I am gonna sound like a broken record but here goes. I thought I was one of the few. I have and am still going through what you are all going through but have learned this.

    You must fight for your peace and we alone are responsible for our joy.

    I just recently was taught by my only best friend God that I am not responsible for the salvation and or joy of others. What a relief. However being that there is no one to share it with I see that I can post it here.

    Pst Creflo Dollar from World Changers Ministries is teaching on envy this week and Joyce Meyer is teaching why haters hate. Praise God that he is always there to teach me what I need.

    We are supposed to assemble ourselves often and we are supposed to prosper in all things this includes friendships and love but if there is one thing I have learned in the last 5 years is that I needed the change of heart. True there are people that I clinged to because I was co dependent and we must recognize this and assemble ourselves with like minded. The world doesnt know how to be friends listen and rejoice and if I must start this so be it we all here should be experts and teaching those around us since we are so envied. Have the courage to call them on those things you have a lost or dead relationship anyways. The Bible says take a witness if needed to confront the sin (envy, jealousy etc) This is how we beat the devil dont let it hide in their hearts for he seeks to destroy us lie steal(joy friendships) oh yes and I have noticed it only works on Christians but alas it is a sign of the times plant the seed anyway be found owing nothing to no one and watch your self because you may stumble in the process. Leave the people who dont want they help but have the courage to tell them why and in love of course. Yes I am friendless due to envy and success and mostly misperception. People all people should be required to take a intercommunication class because it teaches them perception and clarification which is not prevalent in the workplace for sure. God Bless you all here and may he fill our lives with many open minded and wonderful brothers and sisters like you who have the courage to not take no for an answer.

  341. Matt,
    I rejoice with you because I too was overweight, uneducated and overcame it and just like you envy followed by coworkers, the ex husbands wife, new coworkers, strangers who were POed because I was not afraid. If you are Christian then continue to focus on God and as someone stated maybe we can all get to be friends through this seed that someone started perhaps a “take off the facebook” website were only true friends can exist.

  342. What is a true friend….
    I believe its one that will always lift you up when you are down and vice versa using The Word of God.

    I also believe that they can get jealous and when they do you must be the friend in return and defend your friendship from the wiles of the devil. Expose the lie and sin.

  343. I had the same problem that I couldn’t keeps my friends because of their negative attitude towards knowing my good points about myself too, this used to hurt me for a while but has made me stronger over time realizing that I didn’t need them and that was THEIR loss on having friends not mine.

    From my experience of getting over them, my advice is to make new friends by joining friendly places where you can take part in your favorite hobbies, activities and college courses. Besides learning new skills you will also make new friends too which will also help you to move on and forget the negative friends who were jealous of you and be happier with other people around you. for this to happen for real you have to be patient about it because you can’t make friends over night.

    Good luck

  344. I have the same ongoing issue with women. Once I had children it became worse… I wonder what we can actually do about it though… how do we cope? It takes up too much of my time worring about what other’s think about me… as it effected my health… I was put on anti anxiety meds and went thru hell… all because of how people treated me. I have learned to give all my concerns to God… I hope this helps you wonderful ladies out there… it helped me after so much suffering… blessings x

  345. I know this has not been updated for a long while, but finding this and reading through it has just uplifted me and made me feel secure in myself again in a way that nothing else has, and I felt so sad before.

    I have recently had to cut a cruel, jealous friend out of my life. I had an unpleasant childhood, and I have a difficult family, I used to feel terribly alone. I went to university in a city I didn’t know, hoping to start over, and I did. I had some fantastic housemates, one of which became my partner and I succeeded on my course. Sadly my housemates moved away in my third year, so I decided to live (with my partner) in a larger house with some casual friends from my course. I became very close to two of the girls, but noticed some spiteful traits in them, they would put me down or tell me what to do, say or think, and their ‘opinion’ on my situations seemed more like orders than advice. I didn’t ask for advice, I don’t usually need it, I sort out my stuff and always do what I feel is right, I never act out of spite and if I do I make sure I admit to it, its a good way to learn.

    Anyway, one of the girls became distant and odd, and eventually changed to a different friendship circle, the other girl and I became a lot closer, and she told me about her drinking problem and some family issues. I tried my best to help her through her degree, which she was lagging in. I rewrote her dissertation for her, took two weeks off my work to help her with hers, made her webside (which we were graded on) and portfolio for her… the list goes on. Eventually she said she was so miserable living in the house that I moved into a flat with just her, leaving my boyfriend behind, as she wanted. We talked about it and agreed that it was temporary and it was all to help her.

    Eventually things became so stressful between my boyfriend and I that we called it quits, deciding to remain friends but nothing else, as we wanted different things form life. She then told me she hated him anyway and that she wanted me to be single, like her. However, a guy I had been attracted to for a long time asked me on a date and I fell in love with him, head over heels. She hated this and became increasingly nasty about him, and started drinking even more so that I couldn’t stay at his house but had to look after her instead. He stood by me, even when I tried to push him away because she wanted me to herself, she spread horrid things about me and how I ‘lie’ to our other co-workers, all, I presume, to cover up any word of her drinking problem coming out, not that I needed to tell anyone, she stunk of gin and was well known for falling about.

    THings got horrible when I got a first class, she got a 2:1 which was fantastic, but not good enough, because in her eyes I didn’t deserve my grade. Or my partner, she is very looks-orientated and attractive, and wants every man to fancy her, she flirts with them and keeps them hanging, and I make a point of not shving my legs, I have a beard form hormone issues and I’m chubby, but it doesn’t bother me, its who I am. One night she got bladdered and shoute dat me about how I have changed, and don’t give her enough attention any more, that everyone will hate me because I ignore them. At this point I had been dating my partner for two weeks.

    Long story short, she eventually drank so much when I went to stay with my partners parents that when I got home we had to spend the night in hospital as she was vomiting blood, the doctors told her she had to stop drinking. She didn’t. I found bottle upon bottle in her room, I felt I had to check as I had to know if I could leave her alone or not. Eventually the responsibility became too much, I had finished uni and I wanted to get a career going and settle down with my other half, so as the tenancy was coming to an end on our flat, I decided to move back to my home town where I was offered my dream job.

    I wanted to do so much for her, but she wanted to eat me up, as soon as my life turned around and I got the things I had wished for my whole life, and worked for for years before she even walked in front of me, she hated me for it. I had to be looked down on and kept like a pet for her, I was a servant, a mother… I feel horrible, I loved her so much, even though I kne wher bad side. But once I moved she made up lies about me to our friends, and rang me to tell me that they all slag me off behind my back. It hurt, but a comment she made “don’t judge me”, that struck me as odd, and I realised, she was judging herself, and making it my fault that she wasn’t where she wanted to be, my fault because I wasn’t doing it for her, she had no intention of helping herself.

    So I moved, I deleted her form facebook, I barred her number to avoid drunken calls. I don’t want to see, hear or know her again. And my heart feels like its in pieces, because I realise now that people who want to take everything from others will always be attracted to those who want to give everything to others. And this will always end like this. But the only thing you can do to get though it, is to never, ever, let it make you become bitter or jealous yourself. I am still happy, even though this happened, because I know I did the right thing.

    Integrity is all we have, and it is the greatest survival tool imaginable.

  346. My dear we are on the same page. I have the same problems here at work especially, let alone my neighbours. My friends has turned lots of people against me and people hates me with no reason. The problem is that my use to call friends spoon feed them with lots of lies about me. I used to cry a lot and in August this year 2011, I nearly killed myself because of some backstabbing friends. I hated myself for doing that because I’ve got a husband who loves me and two beautiful kids who loves me very much and I also love my family wholeheartedly. I went to the church and confess in front of the Priest. My dear I really know what you are talking about and it’s really hurts.

  347. Have the same problem with everyone, friends, family, etc. Kinda lonley myself because of it. I really dont have a pot or a window but others think I have because they are envious and jealous.

  348. Hi Chickadees. I came on to see how we are all doing. I take it we’ve all been busy living our fabulous lives - or just doing what we can! :) I hope all my lovely friends are well. xoxoxo Mattie

  349. Dear JJ: I agree that Joyce Meyer and Creflo Dollar (World Changers) are great ministries. They each have a special way of exploring and understanding challenges of life from a Biblical perspective and relating them in a humorous way! I also like T.D. Jakes and Casey Treat. If you REALLY want to “go deep,” listen to Kenneth Copeland (and take notes). They are ALL great teachers. God has lots of different teachers out there who can relate to different people in different ways. The only important criteria is to make sure they are teaching the Word accurately, which all of the above teachers DO.

    Within the church (i.e., amongst Christian brothers and sisters) it’s important to confront sin, but I think many times jealous and envious brothers and sisters (it’s probably mostly sisters BTW) are probably able to discern within themselves their error ALREADY and pointing it out may not always net the result you hope for, but at least you did your part in confronting it. If they continue in error and (being the devil’s patsy) they are operating in their free will decision to be disobedient (despite being Christians).

    We all know (or should know) that being saved is not the end, it’s the beginning — of a long journey of internal and mental progress, but we must be willing to compare our inner motives honestly against the Word and make changes on purpose as necessary (which is practicing humility). If we do not do so, then we may go to Heaven when we die, but we won’t live fulfilled lives up until then.

    There are those people who exist in churches that put on airs but are really no different than they were before they got saved, except that they will go to Heaven when they die. They wear the “right” clothes to church, say Christian catch phrases, and act outwardly Christian, but INSIDE its a different story. If we don’t test the inside and trust in their outward act only, we may assume the inside has come into line with the Word when it has NOT and then we get hurt by them.

    At least when dealing with a non-Christian we can expect to be stabbed in the back so we are wary and on guard and wise. But we must be wise too when dealing with a Christian we do not know well (especially if they are a new Christian that has not had the TIME to renew their mind to the Word).

    When it comes to CLOSE Christian friends, it’s best to match up with those who are sort of at your same level of progress spiritually.

  350. Dear Louise: (PRINT AND SAVE)

    It sounds like you have been through heck and back with some of your so-called friends. I think you made a wise decision.

    On another point, I just wanted to address a comment you made: “…and I make a point of not shaving my legs, I have a beard from hormone issues and I’m chubby, but it doesn’t bother me, its who I am.” Hormone issues are not part of the real you, they are part of your body only, and it is a dysfunction of your body at that. You do not have to endure hormonal imbalance.

    Ask your doctor to put you on Spironolactone, it will help the hormone-related hair and chubbiness. Your body is converting some of your existing testosterone and estrogen into DHT, which causes the hair in wrong places and weight (due to excess unnatural appetite as well as a tendency for your body to convert and store energy as fat rather than burn it). Your doctor may also be willing to put you on Metformin (aka Glucophage), which will help your Insulin Resistance (trust me, you’ve got I.R.).

    To combat the loss of progesterone, try a natural U.S.P.-grade progesterone cream (online) (NOT simply wild yam, but actual progesterone). Meanwhile, wean yourself off of sodas and other sweets and refined carbs as much as possible by substituting with nutrition-packed veggies. I really like the O-Organics (Safeway) version of Herb Lettuce (tasty, not bland). You see, refined carbs/sugars are working AGAINST your existing hormone imbalance, but veggies will FIGHT them (especially kale, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower and other cruciferous family veggies). Once you have a certain amount of fat stores on your frame, those fat cells start creating harmful estrogens (not GOOD estrogens — there’s a difference), and those estrogens start changing your hormone profile so that your body creates even more fat cells without you even having to eat more! IOW, fat CREATES more fat! No wonder once we get to a certain weight it’s hard to lose it.

    PLUS, you have (probably) an inherited tendency to have SEPARATE hormonal imbalance issues, which refined carbs/sugars worsen! You may have many things going on simultaneously which can be unraveled with avoiding refined carbs/sugars, eating cruciferous veggies, taking Spironolacone, taking Metformin (aka Glucophage) and using U.S.P. Progesterone cream. If you REALLY want to go the next level after that, you can try a product called DIM too. I’ll bet your thyroid is slow too, so you may want to try a product called Thyodine at greenwillowtree.com ($25).

    Google all of this: Thyodine, hypothyroidism, Estrogen Dominance (how being over 35, stress, refined carbs/sugar and environmental pollutants cause it), XENOESTROGENS in our environment, stress and progesterone loss, conversion of other hormones to DHT and resulting hair loss/hair in odd places/acne/weight gain, Insuin Resistance & Metformin (aka Glucophage), Spironolactone and Androgen Excess.

    It is NOT all about “calories in - calories out.” That is ANTIQUATED thinking, especially for someone with hormonal imbalances.

    I just figured as long as you are cleaning house on your toxic relationships, you may as well rebalance your hormones which will make you feel better in many ways!

    As you are doing these steps, you will notice that exercise actually starts paying off — for once, so get out there and shake your booty again too! Aerobic exercise will pull those bad estrogens from your fat storage areas so they will be excreted out of your body and stop making more fat cells! This will be especially true IF you take the other recommended steps. Simply aerobics ALONE will not do as much if you don’t do the other steps, which may be why you may have gotten discouraged with it in the past (I’m guessing).

    You are not alone — MOST obese women in America have these same issues and do not know it, as they try diet after diet and fail. YOU just happen to have inherited a much stronger hormone imbalance so it’s more NOTICEABLE on you outwardly, but all the same steps will work for you (and them).

    I am not a doctor, but I have dealt with various degrees of some of these issues and learned and tried (with success) these things on myself for years — I just saved you a decade of research and trial and error and saved you thousands of dollars, not to mention heartache and disappointment with “typical” weight loss methods. Therefore, these are my (learned) opinions. See your doctor or naturopath, or both! When choosing a doctor, try one who specializes in hormonal issues (especially NATURAL (NOT SYNTHETIC) BIOIDENTICAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT).

  351. These people are NOT friends.

    I recently got my book published by a small publisher. I have been writing since I was very little, and a “friend” of mine wrote her own book about a year ago. Anyway, she’s always sort of had this “holier than thou” attitude about her. Two days ago, she hijacked a mutual friend’s Facebook profile, and proceeded to berate me. The following were her very public comments:

    “Friend”: I’ll read your book before they change it.
    Me: They won’t change it if I have anything to do with it lol.
    “Friend”: If you signed a contract, they will. I know; my cousin works for a publisher.
    Me: My contract states that only spelling and grammar will be noted.
    “Friend”: Who is the publisher?
    Me: —– Press.
    “Friend”: Ooohh, oookkk. So it’ll only be in ebook format. It won’t be in stores. That’s pretty good for your fist book.

    At this point, I had to delete the entire Facebook post because it was getting condescending and nasty. Eventually, she sent me a private message trying to say she was being supportive, but thought I should know what I was getting into. I responded politely by saying that I fully researched what I was doing and that I could handle it. Her response was: “Uhm, okay. Good luck with that.”

    I am not kidding when I post this. All my other friends were supportive and she was just outright jealous. I couldn’t believe it! Just because she worked on her book for a year and mine was finished in nine months. Some people just work at a quicker pace. Not only that, but ever since she’s finished her book, she hasn’t done anything with it. It’s almost as if she expects the agents to fall all over her doorstep.

    I’m sorry this turned into something about me; I’m still just so angry about the whole thing because I once considered her a friend.

    Bottom line is, friends don’t get jealous of other friends. It’s hard to meet people these days, I know. Maybe you could join some classes (choir, etc) and do things with people whom who have something in common. That way, you can be guaranteed that they won’t be jealous.

  352. I’ve really enjoyed reading all these comments. I was surprised at just how many people deal with this problem of jealousy from friends! I myself have been on both sides of this fence, and they are both horrible places to be! When the jealousy was coming from others of course, I couldn’t really do much about it, except to avoid the person. But when I was the jealous party, things were much more complicated. It’s like I felt a burden on me to DO something, to CHANGE. I felt the envy had a reason for existing, it wasn’t willing to be simply wished or prayed away, it clung to me ferociously, and now I know why. A bit of history: The person in particular is a very close friend who I’ve always looked up to and admired for her maturity and intelligence. (She’s also not bad looking either!). For a long time now, I’ve felt myself fighting feelings of jealousy that I knew were unfair because this friend has come from a tough background and has worked hard for what she wants. She is the most disciplined person I know. And she’s also confident, knowing she possesses great potential and never doubting herself but just going for what she wants. She’s a loyal, faithful, honest friend. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. She is a gift from God.

    All through the time I’ve known her, she has inspired me to become a better person. If she decided to skip dessert and only have tea, I would try to do the same, to be healthier. If she told me she was trying to save money, I would make a point to watch my own expenses. She challenged me in many ways to shape up my own slack character. But it wasn’t easy. It’s not easy to be in the company of someone who you KNOW is better than you in so many things. No matter how hard I tried, she was always one better. I felt inferior. And then, I became paranoid that she could sense this. She had told me on other occasions about other friends being jealous of her and I worried that I might be viewed the same way. Nevertheless, I continued being as supportive a friend as I could.

    Then I lost 2 jobs, became unemployed, went on medication for various health ailments and my personal home life went downhill rapidly. I couldn’t seem to reach my goals, no matter how hard I tried. And try I certainly did. I worked in different fields, travelled to exotic countries for work, joined health clubs, looked for ways to start my own business… did short courses, learnt languages, volunteering… you name it, I was enthusiastically jumping into it. And in EVERY SINGLE ENDEAVOUR, without exception, SOMETHING went wrong. Courses were cancelled on me, travel went pear-shaped because of civil unrests, bitches at work would make my life hell, wanting me to quit… It was as if everything I tried to turn my hand to was FAILING! I couldn’t understand it! Why all this bad luck? I felt cursed. And all the time, this friend of mine was implying that I was just not working hard enough and that’s why I was miserable. Meanwhile, she had not worked at all the ****ty jobs I had done in my life (cleaner, gas station attendant, low-paid clerk) just to earn money at college. She went straight from uni to work in a very rewarding job that she managed to keep and profit from. I felt my Hispanic background was working against me with racism in the workforce so I changed my appearance, name, city, anything I could just to get a foot in the door but nothing worked. I could not find meaningful employment. Nobody was even willing to invite me for an interview!

    Meanwhile, this friend and I were still getting together for dinner etc and one night, desperate and wanting to share my worries with her, I related how I was thinking of going back to study. We had studied together in an academic area I was not very keen on. I had always leaned towards law but I never told anybody because I didn’t feel confident enough to tackle it. Secretly, I had wanted to be a lawyer since childhood. So my friend was saying to me, ‘You’ve GOT to work for your dream! And don’t give up until you achieve it!’ She inspired me and in a burst of enthusiasm, I blurted out to her that I did actually have a dream but hadn’t told anyone about it. She then insisted I tell her what it was. So I told her my dream had always been to study law. I expected her to congratulate me or tell me to go for it or something supportive like that. Instead she paused and then she says to me, ‘I don’t think you or I will be entering into law school any time soon. Sorry to burst your bubble!’ Just like that. I couldn’t believe it. Firstly, because I had expected her to encourage me. But also, because she mentioned herself in that sentence. To my knowledge, she wasn’t even thinking of becoming a lawyer. So why say that? I went home wondering about it and continued to ponder it for a long long time. What did it mean? Does she think I’m too stupid to do law? Or was it that she didn’t realise how important it is to me?

    This conversation has stayed inside me for the last few years, as my life fell apart and I tried to get it all together. But deep down, I knew something was broken that will not be repaired until I can go back to college and do my law degree and prove my friend wrong. You see, I am not avoiding her out of jealousy. Just resentment that she doesn’t see me in the same way as she sees herself. She sees me as something less. That’s what hurts.

  353. Dear Jenn-
    I think you owe it to yourself to call her up and ask her to explain herself. Ask her what she meant by that, and why she said it. If for nothing else, to get your feelings out in the open so it doesn’t have so much power. I would be very interested to know what she says…

  354. nope I found finding friends on your level will get rid of the losers u will have something to talk about with those on YOUR LEVEL financially and emotionally.

  355. I don’t know if this site is active anymore, but I wanted to say that I’ve read through about 2/3 of the posts and some of them have been really helpful, especially from Mattie, AK, Rocy… I did not expect to find good advice doing a random google search on this subject but this site has been great.

    Of course I have my own story. It mainly involves one friend who I’ve known for 10 years and been very close to for more than half of that time. We’ve been through a lot together, and at times when I felt very alone, she’s been there, and I know it’s the same vice-versa. In the beginning everything was great and we were mutually supportive and happy for each other, but at some point that changed, and we’ve had 2 serious fall-outs over the years that almost resulted in a break up of the friendship. In a way I still think that’s what should’ve happened, but it seems impossible to cut her out of my life. I feel very dependent on this person, I think because around the time that we became close I was going through a transformation, in a spiritual sense… I converted to a different religion, and since it affected everything, my life, the way I see the world, it also changed my social life and I ended up cutting a lot of negative people out of my life. It was around that time that I also met the man who later became my husband- my friend actually introduced us. So lots of BIG changes within 2 years or so. I don’t know if I’m making my reasons clear, but I feel like I’ve invested too much of myself in this friendship and care about her and our friendship too much to just phase her out, as no doubt many would advise me to do.

    As I said, she wasn’t a negative person at first, in fact she was inspiring and also I felt she wanted the best for me, sort of even took me under her wing- she’s 8 years older than I am. It was only when I started building up my life and becoming confident in myself, my beliefs, abilities, relationship, that it seemed she became bitter. As for what she’s ‘done’ over the years it’s too much to go into (PAINFUL too), but generally, she behaves excited and supportive when things are going well for me, reassures me when I need encouragement….but then when she’s in one of her moods, she can do the exact opposite, putting me down, coming out with subtle or sarcastic comments, and making it clear that in fact she thinks I’m a fake, that I’ve achieved nothing, that my husband is a worthless fool and that we’re not suited for one another, that I’m ugly, ignorant, immature, and conceited (she has actually used some of these words - and others- in the arguments I mentioned). There are plenty of other people who say and imply such things to me but somehow it never gets me down so much as when she does it. She is still my closest friend, after all, the person (not counting my husband who is my main confidante now) I feel most natural and comfortable with and can speak to about anything and feel understood, EXCEPT of course about these issues I’m describing.

    Anyway, the contradiction between the things she says when she’s (pretending to be?) happy for me- so much praise or me, my views, my way of life- and the things she comes out with when she’s not- so much anger, hate, bitterness- makes me think she’s jealous. Things like finding excuses to not come to my wedding (very hurtful to me, though in a way, at least she wasn’t there to sour the mood) and not replying to my email telling her how it went, to congratulate me….or rubbing it in my face when I’d just had a miscarriage and one of our mutual friends fell pregnant, saying “I know it must hurt to hear of others’ good fortune when you have been so unlucky”. The miscarriage was the only thing that had gone seriously ‘wrong’ for me for a long time and I was nothing but happy for this friend, in fact I was pregnant again at the time though we hadn’t shared the news with anyone yet. At some point she wrote a play where one character obviously represented me, and she made this character into a fake, a bimbo, a follower-sheep type, shallow…all the things that when she’s feeling upset, I know she tells herself about me to make herself feel better, no matter how unrepresentative they are of the reality! When I refused to react and simply said I liked the play and thought it was nicely written, she mentioned, “I’m surprised you were not offended by it”, making it clear that was the intention. These are just examples off the top of my head, some of the more recent things, it would be ridiculous to list all the incidents, plus this is making me angry and hurt all over again……..

    Still, despite my anger and hurt, when I’m able to think reasonably, the thing is, I sympathise with her…..I see why she might feel this way and how painful it must be- she’s single and went through a terrible break up around the time that we became close, has not met anyone since, is getting to the age where she’s losing hope of meeting anyone and keeps waiting for the ex to come back- 4 years since vanishing on her. She wanted kids, she wanted to pursue a PhD, to travel, get married or be with someone in a loving relationship….despite lots of effort and a huge dose of ambition, nothing has come to fruition and she has returned to live with her parents for now. Lately she’s started writing fiction and is finding new hope in that, and I’m happy for her but cautious of encouraging her too much as she gets carried away easily with delusions of grandeur.

    She still doesn’t admit that she’s unhappy though, not even to me- her closest friend- it comes out in other ways, and I feel hurt that she can’t confide in me. I’ve told her this before and she said that she HAS TO think/pretend she’s strong, otherwise she may as well shoot herself… fair enough, but I’m her friend, and she treats me like I’m her enemy! Instead of being honest about her unhappiness she makes snide remarks, like now that I’m pregnant, “I don’t know if it will ever happen to me and I suppose it won’t as I have other plans”, and “what people don’t see is, if I had wanted to get married and have kids, I would’ve already had those things long ago, it’s just that I chose to follow another path…” always glorifying her aims as selfless, for the greater good. The PhD and the writing in her mind are just to make a revolutionary point to the world, not for money or fame or recognition. I know her and I know she’s chasing after those things too, as she keeps mentioning things like if her book gets published or she gets the PhD she will be famous, rich, in the company of distinguished people/academics, etc. But I have to keep pretending that I believe in the selflessness of her goals…I can’t rock the boat with her at all, as I know if we have another falling out, I’m not sure I could let her back into my life, and I know she needs me AT LEAST as much as I need her. That much became clear when she unleashed her hate onto me during those arguments- I bit my tongue, for the most part, the things I know would be most hurtful to her (partly because yes, I’ve been afraid at times that she WOULD just go and shoot herself)- she came pretty much begging for forgiveness. But within less than a week things were back to the way they had been.

    It’s a complicated situation, and I’m at a loss for how to handle it. How can I respond to nasty remarks coming from someone who means so much to me….stupid things like that I look like I’m getting old, fat, etc (all due to insecurity I know- it’s not fat, it’s a pregnancy, and I am/look so much younger than her!). And when she makes hurtful statements about my life, husband, plans for the future… I often feel like I need to defend myself and ’show’ her that she’s wrong, but then don’t because I see how stupid and what a waste of time that would be, and she goes on thinking the same things and making the same statements that I feel have no relation to me or my life at all. Really, the things she thinks of me, and expresses to me on her bad days, are figments of her imagination, made up in her mind so she can SOMETIMES convince herself that in spite of everything, she’s better off than me. When things seem to look up for her, she feels free to be honest again and is nicer to me.

    It’s sick, and twisted, and I know it’s partly the result of her lack of confidence and other psychological issues (narcissism perhaps? borderline personality disorder? I don’t know…), I know she’s had a hard childhood and life (so have I, mind you) so I feel like I should just continue to ’see through’ her and be compassionate when I see her trying to ‘push me down to push herself up’. BUT IT’S KILLING ME. How can I stop it from hurting me so much….if I can’t stop her from doing it? I’ve become more distant from her within the past year or so, especially after the last argument…and I’ve mourned this a lot, cried about this half-lost friendship to my husband. we still talk at least once or twice a week, but it’s like I’m walking on thin ice, I find it hard to be open. How to continue an open, honest friendship with someone when I feel like I’ve figured them out….it seems spineless on my side to not stand up for myself because I ‘know’ she’s only saying those things because she’s insecure in herself…and patronizing to not set her straight when she’s going off the rails about how she’s going to be famous probably after she dies or how every man on the planet seems to be attracted to her……but then I’ve learned not to say anything, because those ideas- delusions- are all she has to cling on to. It’s a really sad state of affairs, and I can’t do much to help her except keep on ‘being there’ for her, in other words, keep taking her crap! It seems like she even hates me for my goodwill though, as much as I try not to show it when I feel sorry for her.

    I could go on but…it’s getting too painful. I’m not sure there’s any use in ‘getting it off my chest’ anymore. I feel like I’ve made sense of her behaviour a long time ago, the problem is, how do I DEAL WITH IT….that is, when cutting the person out of my life seems wrong. Thanks for reading, whoever took the time to do so- and of course I will be very grateful for any input, if anyone is still around.

  356. I hate to agree but it does seem that a lot of women feel better about themselves by taking other women “down a few notches”. I’m a positive person who wants to believe the best in others - that they have the best of intentions, etc. Unfortunately it seems to only be true with other women who are confident and more importantly at peace with who they are and what value they bring to others in this world.

    I also came from parents who were wonderful but did not have money or the means to give me all the nice cars and clothes of the other girls in high school. I never hated them for having what I didn’t but used it as motivation to go out and be successful. I put myself through college and eventually ended up in sales making very good money. I have wonderful family, friends, a beautiful home, two cute loveable kitties, etc. And, I’m truly happy.

    I remember when I finally had the money for my first house and was building it - custom. One of my friends just would not talk about it. I was always excited for her when she bought new clothes, etc. and did the whole - hey try that on that is cute. But she could never do that in return. Bottom line she was just negative all the time. Worse, she had a alcohol problem and wouldn’t admit it. She would sit around and drink and watch TV or go to bars and pick up men and sleep with them on the first date. This woman then had the gall to say I had no friends and that I wasn’t very social.

    I didn’t care about the fact that I made a lot more money than she did, but her attitude towards life, her negativity, and her embarrassing way of conducting herself in public was just too much. I finally had to cut off the friendship.

    She ended up calling and emailing incessently, driving by my house, going on rants about how it was all about the money and that I looked down on her for that reason when it was NEVER about money. She really ended up showing her character and looking back on it, I’m afraid I had blinders on - I just didn’t want to think that was what she was all about and that all she was doing was trying to tear me down.

    What really got me mad is when she said it was all about being lucky. I didn’t get where I am in life due to luck. I’ve worked very hard - the college degree was accomplished while I was working full time. The problem is that she was lazy and didn’t want to make the effort to get what she wanted - she expected it all to come to her for no reason. All the bad things that happened in her life were always someone else’s fault rather than because she made a bad decision.

    What is sad is that she will never realize this - she just goes through life blaming things on everyone else.

    Thank God, I have other friends who have come into my life that have their act together and who lift me up and help me become a better person.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes with the tree of your life you have to do a little judicious pruning in order to grow.

  357. Well, ladies, it is good to vent, get it off your chest. We all eventually figure out when we’ve had enough of not being treated fairly. Friends can often seem like the seasons, ever changing.

    I have found that some people are fun to be around and leave me feeling good and others’ not so much. I’ve left some of those behind! ;) It does feel sad, for awhile, but life goes on! I wonder what they are doing, these days? Oh well…

    Happy Holidays to everybody!! :)

  358. TO SNOWFLAKE:

    Wow, I read the whole thing. You really described the situation well, so well I can really see what you’re going through. Her stealth put-downs must be difficult to confront. If you call her on the carpet, there could be a falling out. However, if she is a narcissist, it isn’t likely she would harm herself, since they are typically too narcissistic to go through with it, but just narcissistic enough to make veiled threats about it.

    If you don’t call her on the carpet, then you have to await the next land mine of hidden put-downs and try to handle them tactfully.

    You said it is killing you and that is enough reason to pull away, if not cut the strings completely. The thing about the play and the miscarriage should have shown you she’s too toxic to allow in your inner circle.

    Just because you are insightful and compassionate enough to understand her and forgive her sick and abusive behavior, doesn’t mean she should remain in your life. Forgiveness can be done from afar. Forgiveness does not mean you keep alowing yourself to be in the crosshairs of her toxcicity.

    Next time she implies that you are weak and a follower, let her know that you somewhat agree and that that is why you have decided to be a healtherir person and let her go. Thank her for pointing that out and show her the door and that you are turning a new page in your ilfe that does not include her. Then wish her well on her book, mean it, and move on.

    Then don’t allow her fake contrite apologies that will likely follow make you allow her back in. If she can, she would later probably try to mess with you through your kids once they are old enough to fall for her games. Why allow that to even be a possibility? She’s done.

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  362. i know how you feel, everytime you tell people about the good things in your life, they somehow feel that you’re showing off, something i do is that i don’t tell them unless they ask, if they don’t i rather listen to them and show interest in their life, but as someone above said, people are that small they can’t stand others success, not even their frineds success

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  365. HeyEverybody-
    It looks like we’ve been highjacked by some kind of SPAM. I’ve taken care to not click on the link in any of those weird e-mails. Hope everyone else is careful with same. Not sure what else to do about it-is there an admin to report this to at “MBC”?
    Cheers,
    Rocy

  366. I hope they get rid of that SPAM b/c trying to decipher their posts is giving me a headache! I don’t know where THEY learned English, but they may as well have taken a dictionary to a dartboard to construct their sentences.

    ooh eeh ooh ahah, ting tang walla walla bing bang

  367. Hi Rocy,and Mustang Sally,

    I’m glad someone else has noticed! Lol I’ve decided that they either don’t speak English or are trying to stump us for the ‘fun’ of it. So weird! Ignoring is probably the best thing to do! :)

  368. I’m happy to read about other people dealing with the same issue I’m dealing with. Makes me feel like im not the problem but society is. I’m having such a hard time with my friends. Only the friends that are doing well in their lives with successful marriages, job, home, etc act like a true friend. Im a very kind, big hearted person. I grew up with lots of friends. But as I grew older all the friends disappeared. Most of them would be two faced around me and this was so obvious. Ever since I found a great job, amazing husband, house, great family and in laws, people started getting jealous. I find that if a friend is doing good in their life, and has achieved lots of success, I’d be the first one to be cheering for them and would be geniungly happy. I find the world is not a very nice place. I wish more people could be happy for others success. Success comes from hardwork. You work hard and you’ll be successful. Why feel jealous about someone’s hardwork? They deserve to be where they are in life.

  369. To Jess,

    I just read your post. And I feel like you are living identical life as me! :) i read the post to my husband and he thought i wrote it. Lol!
    I’m also in sales, and make great money! And have 2 little kitties, a beautiful home, amazing husband. I also come from a family where my parents could not afford nice clothes for me like the other kids. We were so poor, I only had 2pair of clothes I used to wear in elementary. It was sad. But that pushed me to work hard and earn my success.

    Anyway, happy holidays to everyone!! I can’t believe it’s Christmas eve today!! All the best to all of you next year and always.

  370. I have an ongoing problem with a best friend and just so happens that it got worse on Christmas Eve of all days of the year. This all started with a new job I took up several years ago. And I’ve been doing very well to the point I’ve paid down my dept and have a savings for a rainy day.

    My friend is married to a beautiful wife. They are happy ( or at least I hope) but as time moved on the wife has shown an interest in me and my success. It’s so obvious what she is doing and it’s upsetting her husband.

    I don’t show off my success or talk about it. I am humble and have come from a broken family. Things was fine when I was poor and didn’t have much to offer but now that I’m doing good and learning not to repeat the past mistakes. It’s eating my friend inside out. On occasion he will make remarks about me being rich OR being a cheap bastard. All because I refuse to live a certain type of life style that is not me. I can do without a lot of things in life ( as far as gadgets,cars,whatever !)

    Constantly does he show of something new to me while I stick to the old philosophy “if it ain’t broken don’t try to fix it” . Mean while he is behind on bills and receiving little help from the wife.

    It’s sad. Very sad. The straw that broke the camels back was over christmas gifts. Calling me a cheap bastard for the gifts I gave him and his family yet the gift he gave me was about the same value or less. And then expected me to spend christmas with his family after making a comment like that.

    I can understand the reason why these things happen. And reading this page is helping to understand more. But I TRULY can’t understand how a friend of so many years can become like that. It’s disgusting and disappointing. I’ve made my decision for 2012 that he won’t be around for long for I will not stand for it after being disrespected like that over gifts. Then had the nerve to ask me what’s gotten into me . How quickly did he forget what he said is what I’m thinking!!!!!!

  371. You sound like a nice guy who is trying to be a good friend. I hope you have read a lot of the above comments because you are so not alone!

    Sometimes, we do have to just move on. Too often “old friends” will not let us change and will not accept our successes. It hurts, it’s sad, but it is what it is…very tough.

    My approach is to allow some distance to grow with people like this…not see them too much. Meanwhile, work at surrounding yourself with friendly people who leave you feeling good about your life, your successes! They are out there! : )

    I here your sadness and hope 2012 will bring you a couple of good new friends who like and accept you for exactly who you are! What a gift that is!

  372. “Hear” : )

  373. Jealousy is the most dangerous and toxic of all emotions. Those who are jealous of others don’t usually succeed at happiness or life. The jealous person is usually too absorbed with envy to be happy. Jealousy is like a cancer. It eats up the jealous person inside by causing them to become angry and bitter to the point where they become physically sick. Jealousy arouses negative energy in the soul, causing it to weaken thus preventing the jealous person from ever becoming spiritually enlightened. Jealousy can cause both emotional and physical ills and possibly death.

    When we’re happy for those who succeed we can’t help but succeeding also. Most importantly, the happiness we feel inside will permeate our systems with endorphin thus causing us to be happy and healthy. We can only get what we put out.

    “If you want to succeed in life, clear your conscience of jealousy and envy. It won’t be long before your life begins to take a very, very successful turn. Try it and you’ll see,” It’s never too late to change our lives for the better.

  374. It takes a lot of energy to be jealous. Why not use this precious energy do be of service to mankind or ameliorate our own lives. There’s so much we can do to make a difference in our planet: We can help a child to become a mature adult; we can teach someone how to read; we can volunteer at a soup kitchen; we can teach others how to believe in themselves; we can teach others how to be compassionate. Oh my God! There’s so much we can do to occupy our time and minds. Why wasting our short lives in detrimental behaviours? We’re better than that.

  375. lili,

    So very true!!!

  376. I have the same problem, exept mine may be worse. Every since I was a young girl, people have hated me for no reason. I never knew why. All of my female “friends” always plotted things against me. I kid you not, for every 5 people that I meet, 2 out of the 5 will dislike me without knowing anything about me. I have never had many friends either. I am a really nice person and like helping others also. Im not arrogant or rude at all. Im actuallly knid of shy. Even though I didnt like being the center of attention, always attracted it negatively. Throughout my life, poeple would proficy to me that I am highly favored by God. Im going to take advantage of that this year and accomplish my biggest dreams no matter what people say, for I expect their jealousy. amen.

  377. Hi,

    You wrote my words~
    exactly how I feel~

    I went out the other night with the most beautiful, Business smart,older lady I thought I could ever imagine.I put her on a pedastal,treated her with respect,wanted to be friends. I drove. The entire evening ,she complained about my driving,wanted to park a mile away from where we were eating, made the kids and I wait an hour in a half for dinner to eat where she wanted to eat,tells me I am whishy washy about my marriage,tells me basically every thing I do in life is wrong. Insults me.Insults my daughter who is 12,Insults her step daughter. the way home,questions me to death……..OMG! WTH? I feel like a Loser after having what I thought was’ off to a great friendship”~Ultimate Control freak Diva I suppose.Lol!

  378. I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM, BUT OH WELL I EVEN SAY THAT I’M BLESS!! TO GOD BE THE GLORY…IF WE HAD A SAD STORY TO TELL, BELIEVE ME THEY WOULD REJOICE IN THAT!!!

  379. Some folks get especially angry if we say we are blessed, because they erroneously assme that means you have some type of favor from God that they don’t likewise have access to. It’s one thing to be prosperous without acknowledging God; people can always tell themselves you are simply “lucky.” But if you say you are blessed, they think that means God likes you more than He likes them. Then they assume that is so because you are good and therefore they must be bad, so they hate you all the more.

    But the truth is they too COULD have favor from God, but perhaps they are avoiding a relationship with God due to wrong assumptions about Him.

    There’s nothing wrong with saying God has blessed you though. Just be ready for the backlash from nonbelievers. Perhaps be ready to tell them how they too can have a relationship with God and be blessed too! On the other hand, some folks don’t want a relationship with God (but it’s usually due to misinformation about God and the Bible).

    When God blesses someone, others will either (1) want to know how they can also be blessed, or (2) hate the person who is blessed.

  380. i have got this same problem since i was about 10 years old and now im 21 years old. i m the only daughter to my parents,but v.unlucky in friends matter..

  381. One thing that helps, socially, is to be a really good listener. People LOVE attention and when we give them attention, sometimes repeating what they say in a little different way, they love it! A ‘true’ friendship may or may not develop from this interaction, but your social life will improve! Also, reading, involving yourself in interesting activities, will make you a more exciting/interesting person to be around. This is very important, but most of all, be a good listener…it’s magical! : ) Good luck to you!

  382. My reaction to the intial poster: you know what, recently I have been saying the exact same thing to myself even though my situation is entirely different from yours, but let me enlighten you about the legacies some people leave behind them.

    I used to have lot of friends in my hometown. A couple of years ago I decided to move to another city because my good-looking and succesful then-boyfriend was living there and because I wanted to attend college there. Unfortunately the relationship and living-together thing did not work out for us, and sadly I had to move back home. I also had to stop attending college first and foremost because my college was 300 miles away, and secondly because the undergraduate program and I did not get along any better than I and the ex-BF.

    When I returned home from this double-failed project all of my friends were there to help and support me. Fast forward three years. No one is on my FB friendslist today. Friends that I have known for 15 or 20 years. Why? Because they all high-tailed out of my life as soon as I started picking up the pieces from the floor, went to evening school to switch majors, then went to local uni for one year and worked hard for my 3.7 GPA, and finally enrolled in the honors program of a prestigeous private university nearby.

    As soon as I announced the fact I went back to uni, people have started to ignore me. The day I told my ex-best friend that I got in the prestigeous college, she basically abandonned me. First she managed to avoid and ignore me for a year, and then when I finally confronted her, she made a little song and dance about how miserable she had been feeling all this time. When I felt miserable she had been there for me, but now I was the big and evil poo-poohead that did not understand her relentless suffering. Uhm, excuse me when exactly did YOUuueew feel miserable during any of this? Was that before, after or in-between all the parties you visited with my other ‘friends’, who you very obviously instructed to stay away from me?

    Anyhow, I had to rebuild my whole life without my so-called hypothetical friends, and construct my entire social life from stratch. Niiiiiice. Gotta love people that only love you back when you’re miserable.

    After a good deal of thinking you eventually understand why. My ex-best friend has always been envious and jealous, in fact I can’t remember her NOT being jealous. Even her OTHER friend complained to ME about her jealousy. Apparantly poor old Other Friend was afraid to wear a new pair of trousers because the big and evil Ex-Best Friend would copy the behavior and by the exact same one the next day. Oh and in case anyone is wondering, they are both well in their mid-twenties and graduated from high school a long. Long. Loooooooong. Time ago.

    Thus, here is the compare and contrast of moi-meme and my best friend:

    - She: always been infamously jealous of everything and everybody, especially me.
    - Me: have always rooted for her and approached in an extremely positive manner.

    - Me: blond, pretty (according to guys and other people)
    - She: brunette, not extremely pretty but cute (again according to guys and other people)

    - Me: completing my under grad program at prestigeous uni
    - She: no education except high school

    - Me: happy bubbly bachelorette, Romantic inclinations, likes serious but is very cautious
    - She: frustrated single, does not believe in love, wants kids asap, refuses to date

    - Me: work hard and thy will achieve-ethic
    - She: …wait.. wut?-ethic

    Thus, to wrap it up: yeah, these things do have a history. No matter if you are a succesful business woman, a SAHM, or even just a student like me- people will always find something to talk down upon and to feel jealous about.

    So, no matter how sad this may sound: I regard friendships usually as a temporarily necessity to make life more comfortable. Do not get me wrong, I do have some genuine friends that I value and hold dear, but the past has taught me not to turn a blind eye to the red flags along the way.

    I felt deeply hurt and betrayed by my friends, a year ago I would have missed them, but now I know I am genuinely better off without them and I really do not feel like sharing my life with them any more. I do not have room in my life for people that like my misery so much it becomes a prerequisite for maintaining a friendship. People that cannot feel happy for you when you finally achieve your goals and then simply leave you to yourself…. Are no friends.

    Conclusion? Be grateful for your wonderful husband and family! I am dating right now, and I can’t wait to find ‘the one’. :D I am leaving the melodramatic girl friendships behind me for good. There are a few ladies that I will ‘keep’ in my life, and all of them are succesful and good-looking. :)

  383. I ve been in your shoes. However, I also have a friend that likes to share all the good things that are happento her. So when a single friend of ours was feeling down she showed us the flowers her husband bought her. When someone was talking about getting layed off, she spoke about her great job and how they should get into that field. She would complain that people were jealous of her because secretly she wanted them to be. She left a path of broken hearts where ever she went and then said… It must be Everyone else. Could this possibly be you?

  384. Deb,

    I’m sure there are people just like your “friend” who is ‘full of herself’ and blind to the damage she doles out. Having said this, of the seven billion people, on this planet, I’m also sure there are those (perhaps among the people on this site) who are jealous, big time, and can’t stand to see the success of their friends.

    I think this site provides ‘food for thought’ for those of us who have people in our lives who are sending mixed messages, sometimes hurtful ones.It always feels good to know there are others’ who have been “in our shoes” and we are not alone. Sharing where we hurt is always valuable, especially if we learn from what we share.

    I hope you can help your friend who leaves “a path of broken hearts” to see what damage she is doing. This would be a great service to our world!

  385. I have heard its lonely at the top. But its lonely at the bottom. I too have ranged in finances on the spectrum at different times in my life: from shopping at garage sales, and goodwill, to driving a brand new mercedes off the show room floor. I was raised comfortable, my mother died, and I was fairly poor, then through marriage, divorce, college and a career…..well I am worth a comfortable amount. I too find people jealous, they look at what I have vs what I went through. People like that lack emotional intelligence. I myself don’t feel jealousy, I know no matter where you live or how: there is a price to pay.

  386. There does seem to be a “price to pay” wherever you are! It is wisdom to allow life to unfold and keep REACTING to a minimum! :)

  387. So funny, King and Eve-an old friend of mine was questioning me the other day about my computer, what style, model etc. (she has a really old desk model, I have a fairly new, low-end laptop-nothing fancy). Later she’s saying, “I deserve this, that and the other…” referring to current tech type products of today as if she’s just going to manifest them by saying she “deserves” them. “I deserve what everyone else has…” etc. Well, the difference is, I own my own business and work 7 days a week so I can afford whatever I think I “deserve”. She took early retirement! in the middle of a recession even though she is in perfect health to live off of a very meager social security check, works a little on the side to earn a couple of extra bucks-barely enough to get by, and gets a married man to help her make ends meet. But she deserves this and that. I wish I had said at the time, ” So will you be getting a job and saving money to buy all these things you deserve?”

  388. Oh, how we have to bite our tongues, at times! Lol!

  389. Jealousy is not cool and is very bad for our lives. Our beautiful “being” was not designed for jealousy. It was designed for love, kindness and happiness. Jealousy is very toxic and can cause grave illnesses, thus, contributing to an early demise. It’s true people! Please cure yourselves of your jealousy if you want to live a long and happy life. Why must we hate someone because they’re successful? That’s not natural at all. One person’s happiness can affect many lives in a positive way including our own. So, be happy for others! In doing so, not only will you improve your own life, you’ll also improve the lives of others.

    It’s not just friends who are jealous of our success. Sometimes, family members can truly resent us and even hurt us because of our accomplishments. It’s sad because “a parent should be happy for her child’s accomplishment not the other way around.”

    Life is very short. Take care of yourselves and keep love and smiles in your hearts and your life will change for the better. Seriously! Please try it and let me know.

    Hugs and smiles to everyone.

  390. This website has been a great source of comfort. Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts.
    I made a best friend in college. We were like sisters. She was very pretty and vain as well as brilliant. I was a good student as well but tall and fat. So I was kind of like her side kick. I was very naive in college and did everything I could to make her happy. I even skipped my training in another city to be with her on graduation day and almost got suspended for it. I arranged my time to suit her schedule but she would spurn me a number of times to go out with boyfriends. I took care of her when she got ill after too many drinks and even cleaned up her vomit. You know what she did? She told her boyfriend that I was not there for her and he scolded me left and right! She went out with a guy I had just started to see behind my back and told him lies about me. She only calls me to vent or to brag. She never wants to meet unless she wants something out of it. I am waited hands and feet on her for 10 years but this year I made a clean break. I questioned her about the treatment she meted out to me and instead of apologizing and trying to keep the friendship alive, she only got defensive and threatened me and put all the blame on me. Well….sometimes I feel very sad that I lost a long time friendship, but it was better than poisoning my life with her negativity. I wish her the best but I just could not go on with it. Also, I feel, I have grown a lot in 10 years and moved on in my life but she is still trapped in the college days and the mindset we used to have then. She is too superficial for my taste. I need more substance in my relationships now.
    People have been jealous of my success all my life and I have kind of adjusted with it. Now I just don’t care about making best friends. It is not worth the time and effort if I will be rebuffed at the end.
    I might sound a little bitter but I can’t get over the misery people like to heap on others for personal amusement.

  391. This is a great site for sharing and there is much to learn here about “friendship”. Just to know that you are not alone helps!

    I have joined meetup.com for social activities and have decided that ‘groups’ are more fun! The days for having ‘my best friend’ seem to be over. I know that some are fortunate to have close, reliable friends, and I applaud them. It just didn’t work out that way for me.

    We do have to find our own niche, for sure, and sometimes it means spending time with a good book and, of course, there’s the Internet!

    Sorry about the loss of your best friend, but it does sound like you are much better off without her in your life! It also sounds like you are going to be just fine! It may take some time, but she will be a very distant memory one day and any bitterness will slide away! :)

  392. After years of allowing my wife’s friends to scream and berate me behind her back, trying to run me off, I never let that become an issue between me and my wife. Never. Turns out their psychiatrists told them the reason they were so miserable was because of their relationship with my wife; they felt inferior to her and could never compete. They tried to run me off, a totally sincere person, because they wanted her to themselves. After proving they weren’t her true friends but rather users who glom onto her innate happiness like moths to a flame, they are finally all out of her life now. I waited patiently and never took a stand. They are gone. They are with people of their own speed now and self image, which is pretty sinking low. Look, relationships are based on needs and there is a c-word in every person, depending on the alchemy of the situation. I’ve never had deep involvement with a friend that didn’t scream and yell insults at me in public. Forty years of that almost daily from 90 percent of people in my life who think they have the right to baby tantrums in high paying packed establishments. This is their act. Had they ever been singularly responsible for the happiness and well being of a group they would know how they come off. No one wants to hear some stranger go off on the person they are with when they are trying to have their own peace and quiet - no one cares. Selfish, immature people who are so charming in private want to cut your throat out in public. People (friends?) chemically change in the company of strangers, they want to trade up and step on your face and they think they are making the right impression. Maybe if these people had ever worked a room and not just spent their lives dealing one on one with others (so it is always about them) then they might have earned some genuine self respect, but they didn’t and it pops out in public, that nasty raw ugly ego of viciously jealous “friends.” Even your worst enemy wouldn’t bother to do what these animals do. You’ve got to stop trying to convince yourself these self loathing losers are worth the effort. They just **** on themselves and everyone else when they have an audience.

  393. Hi, I have also experienced this. When my husband and I finished building our house, I lost a friend of mine who I had been friends with for 10 years.

    This is just my theory, but it seems like there are “levels” of success, and if someone thinks that you have surpassed their level, then they are uncomfortable being around you anymore, and seek out people at their level.

    I have also felt this way about a friend of mine who has a much higher education level than I do. I have wondered if she really likes hanging out with me - someone who has a high school diploma- when her other friends are doctors. And she herself has a master’s degree. I feel confident about my intelligence though, so I do feel comfortable around her. If it was something that I wasn’t confident in, then I probably wouldn’t be friends with her.

    My point is that it is due to the other person’s insecurities about themselves that makes them jealous. There is nothing anybody else can do about it. If you want to have friends who are not jealous, then seek out people who have had about the same measure of success in life as you (or more!)

  394. Becky,

    What you have experienced and realized, about jealousy in relationships, is right on. Your solution has been suggested, on this site, several times…maybe not in these exact words, but pretty close! :)

    I think many people go into a painful huddle around losing a ‘good’, but jealous friendship. There is a tendency to hang on, seemingly, forever, or to get angry and drop them like a hot potato!

    It is wisdom to realize the changes, like you have mentioned, and just move on. As it has been said, “change is the only constant”! Everything has a season and this can certainly be applied to friendships!

    This site has tons of great answers and, once again, we realize we are not alone in these feelings. That does help.

  395. i HAVE READ ALL THE STORIES AND HAVE EXPERIENCED 80% OF ALL THESE THINGS YOU HAVE ALL WRITTEN FROM FRIENDS TO FAMILY. i GO WAY OUT OF WAY FOR EVERYONE AND HAVE BEEN A HAPPY BUBBLY PERSON THROUGH LIFE EVEN THROUGH BAD TIMES. I ALSO HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY DEVISTATED BY THESE PEOPLE. I MET MY BOYFRIEND 8 YEARS AGO AND HE CONSTANTLY TOLD ME TRY TO KEEP THINGS MORE EQUAL DON’T GO OUT OF YOUR WAY FOR ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO KICK YOU UNDER THE BUS EVERY TIME YOU NEED THEM. IT TOOK ALONG TIME FOR ME TO TAKE HIS ADVICE. I THOUGHT HE WAS BEING SELFISH AND RUTHLESS. THE LAST 4 YEARS SINCE I WAS SO DRAINED DRY I STARTED USING HIS ADVICE. I DON’T GO WAY OUT OF THE WAY AS MUCH FOR FRIENDS THAT DON’T GO OUT OF THERE WAY FOR ME.I AM STILL VERY NICE BUT IT HAS OPENED UP MY LIFE FOR NEW FRIENDS. I THINK PEOPLE RESPECT ME MORE NOT BEING A DOORMAT AND I RESPECT MYSELF MORE ALSO. I STILL CONSTANTLY HAVE PEOPLE WANTING TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS. I TRY TO PRETEND THEY’RE A GHOST IN THE ROOM. BEFORE THIS, I WAS EXHAUSTED AND TRIED EVERYTHING AND NOTHING WORKED. I AM NOW MUCH HAPPIER.IT IS MY HUMAN NATURE IS TO SAVE THE WORLD. STILL, I JUST CONSTANTLY REMIND MYSELF IT’S GOING TO DESTROY ME. I AM HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER THAN EVER EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL SURROUNDED BY THESE EVIL PEOPLE. IT IS SO FREEING!

  396. I think we should all write a letter to vent these grievances and then have a little ceremony while burning the letter…in a safe place, of course! :)

    Seriously, it is good to vent! I have read all of these responses and ‘hear’ your pain! Just re-read these posts every now and then as a reminder…you are not alone! Many of you are taking very healthy steps to free yourself up from these unhealthy relationships!

    A great tip: Read the book ” The wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists”: Coping with the One Way Relationships in Work, Love, and Family.

    This book is excellent and will answer so many of your questions about very selfish, self centered people! Also, you tube offers some fabulous videos on the subject. One of my favorite ones is: “Narcissism in relationships - Part 1: The Ego’s Quest for Superiority”
    There are six parts to this series and it is most enlightening! You may recognize someone you are trying to deal with….or, you may recognize yourself! That would be scary! :)

  397. “The grass is always greener to everyone else”

    Hi everyone, I’m surprised at how many people actually share the same problem! I’m a 29 year old female musician, kind, I have a son, and recently I’ve noticed a coldness from women towards me, and I’m very curious to find out why. I wouldn’t say I was a very successful person, only in that I have a half decent education. I’m a student, not particularly confident at the moment, and I seem to be in something of a rut. Yet, people, women mostly, seem to be threatened by me. People tell me I’m very attractive, even though I have an acne problem. I find women are very strange with me and don’t seem to want to get to know me on a deeper level.
    The point which stands out to me the most, is that the jealousy is due to the problems people have with themselves and they will try and push the blame onto you in order to protect their ego: theirs remains in tact, while yours decreases, game, set and match. Even if they aren’t aware of their motives, it will still have an impact on their life. What they lack is insight and if they were truly your friends, they would find the strength within to understand themselves and what was going on with them was something they needed to deal with instead of trying to find something or someone to blame it on. I have had a tremendous amount of trouble with my female friends stabbing me in the back, slagging me off turning other friends against me, to the point noone trusts me anymore. I’m sure they believe I will steal their boyfriends away :( It’s very disheartening, as now I don’t have a single person I can call a good friend. It’s only men who seem to like me and appreciate me for who I am as a person. My boyfriend puts me down and hates me talking to men, so I guess I’m a little buggered here! lol :/

  398. TO MELISSA:

    Sometimes if someone has REALLY GOOD bone structure, and that scientific beauty ratio thing going on, other women can realize that things like acne can eventually be overcome, and a lack of confidence about one’s schooling and work can also be overcome, so they will still look at you and treat you like a threat. (BTW, see if your doctor will let you try a prescription called Spironolactone for the acne, you may find that not only does it resolve the acne, but it may do other good things like improve blood pressure and sleep and blood sugar issues, etc.)

    I agree with you that part of the problem is “…they would find the strength within to understand themselves and what was going on with them was something they needed to deal with instead of trying to find something or someone to blame it on.” But to deal with it would require WORK and it’s basically laziness that causes them to go the other route. Plus, if they started looking inward, what ELSE may they come across that is not so pretty inside? Also, if they are non-Christians, they won’t have the wherewithall to do something ABOUT it even if they SEE something there (or, if they are carnal Christians).

    TONGUE IN CHEEK: How about going and PRETENDING to actually bring to pass her/their greatest fear (your stealing her/their boyfriend), then hand him back to her/them on a silver platter and show her/them you never wanted her boyfriend - that it was all her internal fear. Then she will probably want to be your friend again. Then you can decide whether or not you want to accept that friendship.

  399. Hi Melissa,

    You sound lonely and a little lost. We all need friends, male or female, and to just have your boyfriend as a friend, isn’t enough.

    I’ve had a lot of success with meetup.com to meet people in various groups. You will often end up talking to new people who you can arrange lunch/movie outings with. This is what I have done. :)

    Also, people are far from perfect and often have to be forgiven for their “strange ways”…often that is the only way we keep lasting friends. Having said this, we should never put up with plain meanness!

    Only you can turn your life around so I hope you get out there and meet new friends.

    P.S. I’m not a christian. :)

  400. Wow, at first I thought it was me. All through school I had no friends even though I reached out. Teachers said I was anti social. I guess I just never fit in. I found a great career and at work very few people wanted to do “happy hour” and hang out with me. Basically I could count what I thought were my true friends on one hand, until they even abandoned me. I tried to seek therapy and was told to try and change MY behavior but in the end I just gave up. I realized it wasn’t MY behavior at all, it was how OTHERS reacted to me. I eventually found a new circle of “acquaintances” to socialize with who enjoyed the same activities as I. Working out, dancing, outdoor activities etc. Now in midlife it seems little has changed, except the fact that I’m almost retired, well off, dating women half my age, nice car, house etc. I don’t think having those material things compensate for what I thought true friendship would do for me but they’re nice. I always do volunteer work, help the church etc and those things make me happy inside. A retired CEO once told me it’s always lonely at the top. I guess he was right. I just thank God for the life I’ve been blessed with and I guess If I had those “friends” my life wouldn’t be as it is today.

  401. Larry,

    It sounds like that even though life has not turned out exactly like you would have preferred, things are good.

    Friendship, as you have read, is a tricky business and many of us have settle for “less than perfect”. It’s too bad, but life is NOT like the movies!

    The work and forgiveness it takes to keep a close friend can be mind bending and heart wrenching, so we settle for less.

    My closest friends are my adult children, and even though I don’t see them that often, I know that there is deep love and trust…true friendship. I am grateful for them!

    This site does help us to “see” that many of us have not realized friendship perfection! ;)

  402. wow !
    there are so many people like me here! Can I ask for everyone’s friendship? Coz I have such long stories to tell about people who have been jealous and who are jealous of me. and what have they not done to me! …from finding silly points for making fun of me to backbiting to betraying… what I could only do is come home and discuss all the bad behaviours with my mum… I try to ignore them but I can’t run from place to place hiding from such people. I face them every single day…sometimes with wit or sometimes returning them a smile. If I do favours ( which I always do) they call me a show of behind my back… and I come to know it…. Such people have been around me since school time.. they are everywhere… co-workers, friends, cousins ! Reading some of the above written comments has been a little comforting.. thanx guys ! I now wish to have REALLY LOYAL AND CHEERFUL FRIENDS coz it has been too much now!!

  403. TO SNEHA:

    I’M SURE YOUR “MUM” IS A GREAT LISTENER AND CAN RELATE A LITTLE TO YOUR PROBLEM, BUT SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA HOW VISCIOUS AND PREVALENT THIS ISSUE HAS BECOME IN RECENT TIMES. IT’S PROBABLY DIFFICULT FOR HER TO GIVE ADVICE AGAINST THE CONSTANT ONSLAUGHT IN THE MEDIA “TEACHING” FEMALES HOW TO BE HORRIBLE TO EACH OTHER.

    I HAVE A FEELING THAT THE FEMALE-ORIENTED REALITY SHOWS CONTRIBUTE TO THIS PHENOMENON IN SOCIETY, BY ALMOST MAKING IS SEEM “OKAY” OR “NORMAL” FOR GIRLS TO ACT THIS WAY, AND ACTUALLY GLORIFYING IT AND EVEN “TEACHING” THEM HOW TO ACT THAT WAY. THE SAD THING IS IT DOESN’T SEEM THAT DIFFICULT FOR MANY FEMALES TO PICK UP THESE “SKILLS” AND PUT THEM TO USE — ALMOST LIKE IT’S ALREADY SECOND NATURE.

    A LOT OF THE MALE-ORIENTED REALITY SHOWS ARE ABOUT FIXING UP VARIOUS CARS AND ANTIQUE COLLECTING AND STORAGE AUCTIONS AND CATCHING ALLIGATORS AND DEALING WITH DANGEROUS ANIMALS AND PESTS AND THE FISHING INDUSTRY AND HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILD UNTIL RESCUED AND FORESTRY AND THE COAST GUARD IN ALASKA AND HOW THEY RESCUE PEOPLEIN DANGER, ETC.

    BUT THE FEMALE-ORIENTED REALITY SHOWS ARE SO SHALLOW AND ARE ALL ABOUT LOOKS AND BACKSTABBING SKILLS.

    I CANNOT EVEN WATCH THE FEMALE ONES, NOW I WATCH THE MALE REALITY SHOWS WITH MY HUSBAND. HE ESPECIALLY LIKES “SWAMP PEOPLE,” “DUAL SURVIVAL,” AND “AMERICAN PICKERS.” I GUESS SOME FEMALES ARE A LOT LIKE UGLY ALLIGATORS THAT LURK IN THE SWAMP. THEY SLUG ALONG UNDER WATER WITH JUST THEIR EYES ABOVE THE WATER LINE, LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO “EAT” WITH THEIR NEGATIVITY. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MOST ALLIGATORS HAVE SMALL BRAINS.

  404. After all the years of torment I have come to discover that jealousy is a horrible thing to deal with. Jealousy is a real negative emotion both physical and mental imposed onto someone by other people. It can destroy self confidence, hope and happiness on those being subjected to it’s wrath. All it accomplishes is bringing the victim down to the same level of feeling the bully has pent up inside. The question is how do you stop it? I overcame jealousy by ignoring it and finding a new group of friends who support you and like you for who you are. First you must like yourself for that is the first victim of jealousy. Self doubt, torment, agony and despair along with depression are the symptoms jealousy causes upon the victim. A feeling of questioning one’s self in which the questions were never there to begin with. I’m so glad I found this website and know that I am not alone in being the victim of jealousy by other. My advice is keep your head up and your heart strong, because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

  405. Very well put, Mark-I just spoke on the phone the other night to the person who inspired me to find this site in the first place. You know, I want to be well-balanced and forgiving, not a person who just burns bridges, maybe she wasn’t as bad as I thought, maybe I overreacted…OMG! After 3 years not speaking-just a couple of letters and cards back and forth-she went straight to the snarky comments! Jealous, competitive-I don’t get it. She must be a very tormented person. She immediately made snotty comments similar to ones she made 3 years ago. I did my best to answer and be assertive in the moment, but, ya know, it takes you off guard when you don’t think like that. Her husband just got over cancer and I was concerned about that, but in the wake of his illness she still managed to spit out toxins at me. This time I intend to write her a letter to set things straight-she’s trying to twist some stuff around, whatever-by God I want to set it straight once and for all. For me. Because I don’t want to hold it in and it bugs me that she twisted things around. I would love to know what her real beef with me is, but all I get is passive aggressive snark. So I will be direct and honest and tell her what my beef is. Not that it will matter to her, but I think I will ultimately feel better. I came from a family with sick, warped communication styles, and it is very important to me to improve on that. People should be able to say what they mean! Am I wrong? And yet, it still makes me feel like a trouble maker or something to send her a letter. Chumps like me always feel guilty, while people like her seem to have no guilt…Again, these type of people must be sooo tormented, and Mark and others are right-they want you to be down in the muck with them. Thanks everybody for listening.

  406. Jealousy can cause much pain and desolation to its victims. The jealous persons will do whatever they can to hurt their victims because they’re so sick and angry inside. We’re told to work hard and to be accomplished but as soon as we make something of ourselves, then others begin to hate us. They do so because they don’t know how to prosper in life and they don’t love themselves. Sometimes, we may never even discover the threat of a jealous person until it’s too late. We have to be careful of those around us. Jealousy is extremely dangerous. So, let’s us beware!

  407. Wow we should form a support group…are any of you in the DMV area?

  408. I have found that the ‘jealous ones’, in my life, become much more gracious when their lives take a turn for the better. It’s almost like they have been “looking through the window”, at a banquet, that they cannot partake of. Once their successes start happening, they become much more generous in nature and even offer up a new kind of friendship….more as equals. I think jealousy often springs from pain.

  409. Hi, I have that situation too, I don’t have friends but my dogs and my husband and I think no one wants to be my friend, they start “playing” the nice friend and when they see my life, they don’t want to see me anymore and I always end up wondering what I did wrong…I try hard but nothing seems to work, I am a good person,, I know I’ve been blessed with many things but I never talk about it with friends, well if someone has been through this I guess it all makes sense…sad :(

  410. Alana,

    Don’t give up hope. Some people were just born to have acquaintances. People you say hello to at the salon, the market, the gym, etc. At least your husband is your best friend, some people don’t even have that. You have your health, pets, home. I know it gets lonely sometimes but my mother used to say it’s better being alone than with bad/negative friends. Find yourself a hobby, sport or volunteer in some social setting that you enjoy. Don’t blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes in this fast paced life people don’t take the time to be nice and are two faced just to get ahead. Be true to yourself. You can always come here and there are people from all walks of life that encounter the same negative influences day to day. Take Care!

  411. Mark,

    What a great response! Very clear and helpful!

  412. I completely understand what u r talking. I have the same problem. I am blessed and very accomplished in my life and my friends r jealous as hell!,not to mention some of my family is too. I heard a true statement ,”its lonely at the top”. I will tell u what though, I WILL NOT LOWER MYSELF OR STAY IN MISERY TO KEEP A SO CALLED FRIEND. Most jealous people cant handle da sight of a person they r jealous of for too long and will distance themselves. Thats when u seek God. He speaks on this subject in da book of Genesis. Cane killed his BROTHER,because he was jealous of him.

  413. Yolanda, you are so correct , each time I am face with jealous and strive which is just amongst the many few that I fight on a daily basic, it takes me back to caine and abel, paul and saul. David said daily has they oppress him and wreslte with his words, they fight against him daily, he has no choice than to say to God if I had a wings of a dove I would fly away home and be at rest.

    I am so happy that all the days of my life as far as I can remember, I have never have it in my thoughts to be jealous of people, not even too think of been nasty to another human being. I am soooo happy when other people make progress in any area of their lives, it’s such great joy and peace flowing within my heart, I felt as if I am the one that makes such acheivement.

    Why, ? why ? O God does people have to be carrying around this heavy weight of envy and jealous in their heart towards other people. I pray for God to purge my heart and cleanse me from all unrighteousness and give me a heart like His. Jealously is a desease that can only be contracted by those sitting down and counting other people’s blessings.

    It’s their secret thoughts and desires to be like the other person, one girl told me that she admire me so much that she which she was like me, I told her that she cannot and will never be like me because each person has their own unique attributes and DNA about then that it cannot and will not duplicate in any shape or form, all you ahve to be is just be your true self and be your own individual.

    In the end she becomes my greatest opposition because of her jealously and her own short comings. She accused me of some nasty things I do to her and she spread a lot of rumors about me, in the hope to damage my reputation but God told me that my enemies shall labour but in vain. She’s very educated but yet cannot see her way through in life, it just goes to show you that sadly education doesn’t impart wisdom, if I had the education she have then I would be flying without wings, she is very good at what she does but yet she fail to acknowledge it regardless of the encourgement I impart to her. Sadly we are no longer in contact but I pray that her eyes will open to see the gift that she have and amke use of it.

  414. Sherri P.,
    What is DMV?

  415. I typed it in looking for advice and what everyone is writing is so true! I am 25 single mother I had my daughter when I was 17 but I never let that get me down and for gone on to accomplish things that none of my friends/family have done. I have always been put down by friends/family all my life but I have started to realise that I should just carry on living the way I think I should but lately there name calling has gotten me down to the point where I was almost sucidal. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to constantly tell you you are wrong but they themselves are not happy in their own lives so how are the experts and know how I can make my life better. I am the only one that stuck out college and got my degree. My friends excuses for quitting where the work was too hard/ they were getting bullied etc. I also got bullied at college but I went to the head of my department and the bullies quit college then. I came out after five long years exhausted. I assumed I would get a “well done” but I was called selfish and negative because my next step was to get a job and look for love.

    My own father told me I didn’t care about my daughter. I don’t smoke/drink/ go out she is with me all the time and I ALWAYS put her first to the point where I am walking around in a trance because I never think of myself and I am so worn out. He also said I had it easy but I am the only family member who is raising a child on there own whilst being unemployed. Iv done a bit of modelling over the years which didn’t go down well with friends either. Iv lived in Africa for a month and have travelled a lot and did the big city job/commute which angered several people because I wasn’t allowed do these things becuase I “had a child”. I am very alone now and realise these “friends” are not true friends at all. What annoys me is all the times i was there for them. I would be the only one turning up to their bdays/going away parties and supporting them and happy for them in all their choices and have been a shoulder to cry on. Its hard for me to understand jealousy because I am not that type of person and I need to start being a bit more selfish but its not in me.

  416. DEAR VIA4: I know what you mean about that “trance” especially single moms get in taking care of their kids alone. There is so much responsibility involved that you hardly ever get to take a break and regroup, so you just get into this constant stress mode that starts to feel “normal.” You don’t even realize you are in the trance until something happens to shake your attention and you can stand back and see what a trance you’ve been in.

    Then, to be the kind of person that can see what must be done and just does it until they turn into a zombie, and then to have friends (worse yet, family) call you selfish when that isn’t even in your list of options, makes you feel all the more alone in your self-LESS-NESS.

    I think some of the problem is the DISCONNECT in many people’s minds between what a person LOOKS LIKE and what actual personality traits and character traits they have. So-called friends (and family) may act like they see the YOU inside, but really they are have a gut reaction to the physical attributes of the EXTERNAL view of you they have. And various physical attributes have, over time, in society, become associated with various negative character attributes and tendencies. So people ASSIGN certain negative character attributes to a person based on their physical appearance. So the INTERNAL you may not match AT ALL what the EXTERNAL you generally is deemed by many in society to possess character-wise. So people are reacting habitually and automatically like a mindless machine to the EXTERNAL you, and missing the internal you, regardless of what they may claim.

    You, however, are on the inside of you and you don’t generally see the external you others see. Inside, you may be a mixture of Mother Theresa and Robinhood, but if on the outside you look like JayLo, then people may often react and respond to you based on the outer appearance and not even SEE the Mother Theresa and Robinhood inside. That’s why good looks (espeically if they are natually especially sultry), can seem like a curse instead of a blessing to someone who totally doesn’t match the common assumptions people have about the character traits of attractive people. Your internal world doesn’t match the external reactions you get. That gets really confusing.

    All you can do, other than purposefully trying to make your exterior match you interior character in a predictable and cookie cutter fashion that the masses whose tastes and assumptions are formed by the media (i.e., dressing like a nun with green tights on), is to proceed in life based on your inner self, and not on the reactions you get from others. You cannot gauge things based on the reactions of others when determining your life goals and callings. It’s just too important to find and act on your true calling(s) to rely on others’ skewed and colored assumptions.

    People that really love and know you will dig down and find the inner Mother Theresa under the surface. Those who don’t won’t bother to scratch the surface, perhaps PREFERRING to see the outer shell only for some possible selfish motives (possibly not even caring, possibly being too lazy to dig deeper into who you are, and possibly enjoying assigning negative character attributes to you based on your exterior appearance out of jealousy for possessing that exeterior appearance). There’s even a fourth option: possibly KNOWING you are a saint in the inside with rare negative motives for anything, yet being so utterly jealous of your exterior shell they choose to focus on reacting to your exterior negatively by pretending to assign every negative character attribute to you possible based on that exterior and discussing those (assigned and inaccurate) character attributes with those around you as if they are possessed by you to poison your social environment: that’s just EVIL. That’s especially evil when it’s done to someone who couldn’t even muster the abilty to be selfish even if they tried and even if others told them it was in their best interests to be “selfish” and that it wasn’t even actually selfish to protect themselves from toxic people who are jealous of them.

    So you are going to need to define “selfish” more accurately, and then proceed to protect yourself from toxic folks who, truth be told, probably don’t care about you as much as they should. I am especially troubled by your father’s attitude, more than that of your “friends,” although they are both wrong.

    A father who saw that his young adult daughter was having challenges raising a child(ren) on her own without a husband, if he loved her, rather than attack her and assign negative character flaws to her, would look for ways to support and help her out (both emotionally and in practical ways). IOW, what can dad do for you sweetie? Do you need me to bring a new kid’s bed over to your house in my truck? Do you need a few twenties before payday? Would you like to meet my old friend from high school who owns his own business and needs an assistant part time? “It’s your birthday, let’s go to that steakhouse for dinner, I’ll pay a sitter. You are such a good mom, I don’t know how you do it!”

    When a person who is a saint on the inside enjoys emotional and practical support from those in their circle of friends and family, they are energized and mobilized to do greater and greater things in life. However, if such a person was “unlucky enough” to born into a beautiful body/face, then they may not receive that support when they SHOULD, and for some pretty childish and selfish reasons to boot. In that case, they must carry on under their own power and the power they get from God, and not expect others to be fair to them at all times. If they can at least understand a little bit where this crazy jealousy comes from and that it can be behind the “why’s” in some people’s unfair treatment of them, and even try to forgive others for being so selfish and insecure and jealous, and are wise enough NOT to lay themselves down in front of the “bus of dysfunctional jealousy” by being a dormat to thsoe who mistreat them, then I believe God will bring worthy people into their life who WILL support them and who WILL love them and who WILL see their INSIDE self and appreciate them inside and out. But before those folks arrive, there will be some alone time where all you have is you and God, first. That will be your growing time where your good character is being even more refined in the fire of future excellence.

    Sometimes when people are especially blessed with great beauty, that beauty was given to give them some open doors and help them reach a special calling. But first, sometimes, they experience difficulty FOR that very beauty. If that difficulty doesn’t get you to give up, you will eventually experience the fullness of what you were put here to do, AND you’ll be beautiful while you do it! I think MOST of the difficuilty comes from those close to us (family and “friends” and neighbors). Just as Jesus had difficulty “getting through to” the people from his home town, but WAS able to reach strangers in great masses, it can be the same for the very beautiful.

  417. Mustang sally, I would to say that even though your comments seems to be a bit long and unwinding but I clearly understand you’re at. I totally understand each and every aspect of what you defined. Some people just fail to tap beneath the surface and get to know people much better instead of looking at the outer apperance to judge you.

  418. Thank you, Monika, that was very sweet. I was hoping someone would say that they got what I said. Can you believe I want to be a writer? [You: “Uh, yeah, with all the long-windedness, I do believe that!”]

  419. Mustang sally- I believe you can do whatever you wants to do in this life as long as you have the capability, though I will always having this saying, the richest place on this earth is the grave yard, and the reason for that is because a lot of people die with their dreams that has never been fulfilled or materialise, some is because of FEAR or having the wrong crowd around them, so keep doing your thing if that’s what you want to do and all the best in your endavour.

  420. Hearing that a friend or family member does well all the time leaves little room to speak of failures.. What if one brother is always more successful in business than the other and boasts? Should the less successful brother hide his feelings of inferiority and tell his brother that he is happy for his success even though it would be a lie? Then what happens when the successful brother asks the less successful brother how his business is doing - and the less successful brother lies or changes the subject so as not to be put to personal shame… Isn’t the less successful brother protecting his own emotions by lying or diverting the question just as one who rids themselves of friends/family who seem jealous? Where is the equality? The more successful is a stumbling block to his less successful brother.. So it seems that some things are better left unsaid.. or mentioned briefly so as not to seem boastful.. We actually can cause other people to sin ; and keep them from sinning as well.
    With that said - I think we all just need to stop bragging about our accomplishments, and talk about God’s and Jesus’ accomplishments.. Be approachable to a friend in need as Jesus was… We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Be weak with those who are weak and speak to one another with words of edification toward belief in God. Life is about serving God and displaying the life of Jesus Christ in our flesh.

  421. Dear Lonely without Friends,

    I have many friends, but my lifestyle is “unconventional” compared to theirs. I have no children, have never been “legally” married, and have a college education. I have dealt with jealousy from my mother (now deceased), cousins ( I don’t see them anymore), and former co-worker/girlfriends. My common-law husband is a musician and finally things started coming together in my life after years of failed relationships, dead-end jobs that wore me out, and no one to do things with on the weekends. All I ever heard was, “When are you going to settle down and get some kids?” Come on! “We want you to have a kid, you’re just in denial,” etc., etc., etc. One girlfriend, whom I agreed to pick up, drive all over town in my new car on my day off, help out with some groceries, decided to hand me a pamphlet about “the dangers of living together without being married,” as well as blurting out some rude comment at an Earth Day planting I took her to in front of the ladies running the project at the community college that day - “Maybe he’d marry your then!” she sneered. I finally let her have it. She hasn’t called since because she was telling me that if he didn’t want a “legal” marriage, then we should have separate living conditions. Much was the same from yet another girlfriend who kept inviting me to her church, after I told her I wasn’t getting up on Sunday morning and leaving the house to with her. My guy travels a lot, gets home early morning, and needs peace and quiet on Sunday AMs. I cook, clean and wait on him all day long, not to mention TV church and some Bible study together. Because I’m not married, she has felt it ok to pry about our finances, our life insurance (so we’ll be protected), and even how much money I have in the bank! When I asked her if that would have been appropriate for someone to ask her and her husband when she was married, she replied no. There’s more: A cousin who referred to my man as my “little friend,” and numerous people badgering me about when we are getting married. I’m 48 years old, a college graduate, substitute teacher and owner of my own monthly publication. I see that this is all subterfuge from people who have no one or are oppressed at home, or just plain can’t stand to see me happy. It seem slike every time my life is good, they have to hack and peck away at me. When my guy is on the road, they are nowhere to be found, but the very day he returns, sometimes after 2 or 3 weeks, that’s the day they call squawking about how they haven’t seen me and why can’t we get together - today. One even showed up on my fire escape, right outside my bedroom door after I told her he’d be home from Europe any minute. He was home 30 minutes before I turned to see her on stairs she would never have climbed before. Go figure.

  422. Hidden cameras in mock (not by the interviewer but by the people who taped it) job interviews were put on TV with two candidates: one woman, one man. They had basically the same qualifications, answered the questions the same way, with the same tone of voice. Both asked for the job, both asked for more money because of special skills. They had two places “interview” both individuals (actors.) Both employers/managers chose the man, and gave him more money because “he seemed like a nice guy who deserved it,” and “she seemed to be arrogant and over-estimating her abilities.” It’s an oppression even women go along with to hurt one another.

    Example, I’ve been seeing an allergist for 13 years. After much study, taking doctor’s advice, and using proper meds, I have gotten better - and I stay better as long as I stay away from household cleaners, colognes, etc. One friend in particular acts as if I am making up these “factoids” about health and even uses chemicals when she knows I’m coming over to visit saying she “didn’t use a lot of chemicals, just a little.” She even picked up my ice tea glass, sprayed window cleaner on the glass and put my glass back down in the residue, just 2 feet from my face. Now she thinks Maybe Dr. Oz could help me with “all your allergy problems!” I finally said that I’ve been telling her this crap for years, that I got the information from my doctor, the best specialist in town. I finished with,” Did you think I was making it all up in my head?”

    The minister at her church who is half my age knows more than I do, a doctor I will never meet should be able to help poor little stupid me, and I need a man to be married to and change my name to be acceptable. I finally realized that she doesn’t really care about my health, no matter how sick I get. If I have any kind of physical problem at all, she thinks I need to “go see a doctor.” I have no insurance and right now no money, so I go when it’s important and not when it isn’t serious. I live 4 blocks from the biggest hospital in town and have used the emergency room. I do go when I need to, and I pay a whopping big bill for paying cash.

    Invalidation is the worst form of oppression from other women, and from family. It is their way of saying, “I’m going to take you down a peg, whether you like it or not, and I’m going to do it when you’re weak or in a manner than makes me look like the victim, not you.”

    One friend from college (who never finished freshmen year and I got a BA - and went to school in London), got married and had kids and proceeded to talk Right-wing trash to me about how only people with property should be able to vote (her)and not people who don’t own homes (me) because property owners “take better care of things.”
    She said, “I realize that would mean I could vote and you couldn’t…” I replied, “Yeah me, your kids, and most of the military!” And college students, and seniors who couldn’t afford houses anymore, etc. Then she started on how everything is a mess because of the “educated elites.” Now it’s the women’s movement and birth control causing all the problems, i.e., I’M THE PROBLEM! Educated, childless and a Women’s Libber, too (since the age of 7.) I’m taking something away from her happy home(s) - she has 2 that are paid for because family gave her help and some sweet deals.

    And, if I’ve heard it about how nasty blondes are once, I’ve heard it a million times. Really, I wonder if she even knows how to be a friend.

  423. How sad that there are many of us that have gone through these terrible situations with jealous females.I have learned from my experiences to just take yourself out of the situation in order to be happy if it means changing your job or getting rid of those pretend friends then it something you have to do so they can stop trying to tear you down but recently I’ve learned how to better deal with women like that and it has started working wonders .When I meet any female I’am friendly,a great listener and hanging out to get to know them to put them at ease that she does not need to compete or think that I think I’am all that for some reason.Sometimes it is very hurtful since mostly this does happen to women that have beautiful insides as well as outside they radiate kindness,confidence and are caring most people gravitate toward that and it causes jealousy amongst the haters.I was shy when I was younger and soo it started with that they thought I was stuck up or that I was better when I was suffering from shyness once I started growing into myself it was terrible since then it became she thinks she’s better than us kind of thing since I would get compliments from whomever they were trying to impress and mostly the bullies are people unhappy with themselves and their lives and when you are shining in happiness and are all that they are not it makes them miserable.I say be happy and continue to live your life being humble and don’t change for anyone be kind and caring and get yourselves as much as you can away from those negative situations that nobody deserves to be in.

  424. I feel exactly the same with you Anyone and also with many others on this page. I had a co-worker, whom I thought we were close and good friends for two years and I later realized that she actually hated me. She helped me a lot on many occasions, but still, the relationship was poisonous b/c she would at times say things that was demeaning towards me or how she would phrase or say things would also be demeaning to me. And if there was anything positive, like when for the first time I learned in my life that I was actually GOOD at something, something really worthwhile….she didn’t say anything back to me and remained silent. I had to take time to think over many relationships, like this one, if it was just me, that I was going crazy, or that I needed to rethink about all my friendships or relationships and make the decisions which were ones I could and should continue to invest in or dissolve. My mom told me there are MANY more ppl who will be jealous of you rather than sincerely take and share in great joy with you in the blessings and accomplishments you gained. I can’t imagine how successful ppl or celebrities do it. It MUST be very lonely. I can’t stand having to think whether someone I know may actually be jealous of me or not, but I also must look out for well being, that I not keep poisonous relationships. I rather be able to have relationships where we respect each other and we can share joy in all our accomplishments or blessings or things we overcome in our lives. Life is so hard as it is already which makes me unable to tolerate jealous ppl…it makes absolutely no sense and I will not and can not tolerate it. I rather share in great joy in many ppl’s accomplishments and blessings b/c positive things are things that happen far and few in between. I hope some of us on here can be friends and not be alone in our struggles in dealing with ppl who are jealous of us, and so often.
    Sincerely Yours
    Angelina

  425. I forgot! Here’s my email! ^^ angelina.elizabeth77@gmail.com

  426. My hubby is my bff too lol. I am going through the same thing. Its hard when your friends are not in the same class as you. I think out of all of my so called best friends only one I still talk to. She lives in Minnesota and I live in Cali.We havent seen eachother in 6 years. :( I cant find another friend like her.Ive come to realize that true friendship is very hard to find.You may go through alot of friends before oyu find that one that becomes like a sister to you, and no matter what your differences are social finacial status ect that friens will always be there for you!

  427. Yes I know it might seem crazy but really it’s hard to keep listening to somebody who keeps talking about her own life ppl don’t usually feel attracted, I am sure after all these comments dear you should have changed a lot…

  428. There’s a fine line between envy and jealousy. The earlier is completely healthy, we all experience it time to time, while the later is very toxic.

  429. Generally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very forced me to take a look at and do it! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, very great post.

  430. I want to be your friend
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  431. my email is gloriaayile@yahoo.com

  432. Woman can sometime be mean and cruel when they want something they can’t get on their own, or they want to be like you and can’t. I have this problem as well and I just brush them off and keep moving, because true friends do not act this way and not support your goals and when I look back at all of them now, they are still going nowhere and hating on me because I can get certain things in life they can’t. So what I do is continue to live and smile at them and ignore them and move forward. No friends will pull you down in anyway, and if they can’t support you or be happy for you why do you want to trust them and let them in. Jealously is a sickness and they need to go get some help.

  433. No, you’re not doomed. My female friends have never really been my friends except for one person. When I was in college I had quite a few “friend” but I always ended up being the butt of the jest.

    You have to stop allowing toxic relationships to enter your life. Some people(especially women) only befriend you so they can get in your business and live their dreams through you. Then they stand at the finish line rooting for you to fail. I had to let all my go and it was quite painful because I feared loneliness. But I can tell you that once you cut those people out of your life, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

    Don’t let anyone make you fee guilty because of your accomplishments, beauty or anything else GOD has blessed you with. If these same people would take stock of what they have to be grateful for in their own lives they would not contaminateyou with their misery. Their misery is not your problem.

    Give them up to God in prayer and cut them off. Forgive them and move on. God will send the RIGHT people ito your life at the right time. For now just enjoy the things he’s doing in the hear and now. Don’t be misery’s companion any longer! God Bless! :)

  434. Is this site still active? Great texts from everyone!

  435. I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you
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  436. I’ve been going through the same thing. Before I went overseas for a few years of studying, working and travelling around mostly developing countries as a girl alone, I was very shy. I had tried very hard to get over the shyness, but it had only improved a little on the scale of things. After all I went through overseas (and a lot of it wasn’t easy) learning to speak up for myself and take care of myself abroad in very difficult cultures, and all the things I learned, as well as making friends and sharing all kinds of ideas with local people in the countries and with fellow travellers who were interested in the things we were sharing and weren’t jealous at all, I came back here full of confidence and finally able to hold my own in conversations and with many things to share (not boasting about the travels but only talking about the only things I’d known for the last few years, since that was my life up until now), I found that people didn’t like it that I am now confident, friendly, outgoing and have many things to talk about. What bugs me is they didnt like it and criticized me when I was shy, and now that I’m friendly they seem not to like that either and will look resentful or change the subject. This has especially happened in one Christian group I started going to to make new friends here since I’ve been away for so long and need new friendships here. I have tried saying less, saying only part of what I wanted to say, focussing on what they others are saying and commenting on that, even pretending to be a bit shy again, but the moment I do say anything (it doesnt have to be about overseas experiences but about anything) they seem to get upset. One guy even tried to talk over the top of me so I couldnt speak (he was someone who seemed deliberately boastful, so I dont know if it bugged him that I could actually match him on topics). And like I said, if I mention other countries at all, it is never to boast, since I wasn’t just on trips, I was living there for a few years so that has been my life right up until now and I still spend part of each year doing grad studies in another country. So if someone mentions something going on with them, my best example to participate comes from another country.

    Anyway, Im still just as sensitive as I was when I was shy, and I still feel shy deep down in some ways, so it really hurts. I tried for years to get over the shyness, people often hated that I was shy even when I learned to talk and socialize, so now that the shyness is no longer noticeable at all, they hate that too. But overseas, I didnt have this problem. Only back home.

  437. 313-I think jealousy and competitiveness is much worse in the U.S. culture than a lot of other places. Even Facebook here seems to be a competitive sport. You have improved as a human being, regardless of what anyone else likes or thinks and I am sure you will continue to improve, even though the less self-aware people may not. Good luck with the ‘new you’!

  438. P.S. It took me forever to get to the end of this page to post. A LOT of people are getting bitten by the jealousy monster! To know so many are going through the same thing helps me to not take it so personally, and get on with my life-being the person I choose to be, doing the things I choose to do, and being guided by my inner voice rather than reacting to other peoples insecurities.

  439. Thanks so much for what you said, Rocy. I actually live in Canada, but there is a lot of US influence on this culture, too, so it still has a bit of an attitude and is a bit competitive, with people trying to prove themselves. I think one of the reasons I got over the shyness from being overseas was that in most cultures, even though there were of course some aggressive people there, too, people actually believed it was better not to be that way, and people generally didn’t even notice that I was shy, they just thought I was friendly (in Canada, no matter what I did, please still called me “shy” so I felt like I was fighting a losing battle). Anyway, I felt more confident in those other cultures so I came to realize that my problem in Canada had actually been cultural (I’m originally British). So when I came back here I no longer cared what people thought, and that is also why I seemed more confident.

    Thanks for encouraging me, that was a good point!

    Yeh, I feel encouraged too that so many people are going through the same thing. I’d been wondering what was wrong with me. Maybe the competition in society, as Rocy said, makes lots of people insecure and jealous.

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  441. My whole life has bounced back after the work of Esango priest who restored my marriage. my lover and i have been apart for over 9 months, i have contacted so many spell casters to help me, but all of them failed me and went away with my money. A friend introduced me to this powerful man called Esango priest. my friend told me how he helped him and many other people to get their lover back. I actually contacted him, behold he actually did the spell and my lover came back to apologize to me today we are happy again and living together as we used to be. I urge every one on this site searching for a real spell caster to go straight to Esango priest. he is a powerful man he will surely help you. His contact is esangopriest@hotmail.com

  442. I discovered this thread after searching on google about jealousy in friends. I am the kind of person who would never expect others to be jealous of me, because I know how insecure (and crazy) I’ve been in the past, and because I always try to share with friends.

    I share contacts, food, my pool, knowledge, and happiness. I listen to their endless emotional problems and try to give constructive help.
    I put friends in contact with other friends who give them places to stay abroad. I literally go above and beyond as a friend, since I really value friendship and the time and effort that goes into one!

    However, whenever I have new, positive developments in my life and career (I’m a writer, artist, and model), my ‘friends’ that I’ve helped infinitely don’t even ACKNOWLEDGE anything. They don’t “like” things on FB or even shoot over messages to see how I’m doing. It makes me feel very low that they would just ignore positive developments in my life while I encourage them with developments or setbacks in their lives.

    I am not sure if it’s jealousy or just me being narcissistic and demanding more attention than I deserve? I always try to be objective and not let emotion cloud my judgment. But I think my close friends definitely use me for my energy, connections, and positivity, and give nothing back. I’m sick of being used and I don’t know how to have positive friendships.

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  447. Wow thank you for this post and all of the comments. I feel the same. I sometimes feel that I have accumulated the wrong “friends” during my growing years. I have invested so much emotions and time for these people that it hurts to find out that there is that even that slightest possibility that they are not true friends after all the years we’ve been calling these people “friends”. I really value friends and friendship and it hurts so much that these people can’t share happiness with you.

  448. my names are Sandra Collins i am here to testify the good deeds that DR. OBHIOGUN did for me. i was having a serious fever. though i did treatment, the fever never went off, i was asked to go for cancer check-up, because fever is one of the signs of cancer. quickly i went for check-up.i was told that i have a blood cancer. i was filled with sorrow, i felt that i was am going to die soon, i was told of a great spell caster, DR. OBHIOGUN who can cure any disease, i collected his email obhiogunspelltemple@live.com, i emailed him quickly, and he told me that i should not bother myself, that all my problems are over, he asked me to buy some items which i did faithfully, then he told me that after casting the spell i should go for screening which i did afterwards, i was screened there was nothing in me again i was cleansed totally, i am free, am having a peaceful life, if you are passing through hardship, or you have any disease you can email him on obhiogunspelltemple@live.com he is waiting to help many people that comes to him.

  449. My name is sarah dixon, am from Dublin. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man DR.OLUWAKEMI brought my husband back to me, i had 2 lovely kids for my husband, about 3 years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn’t worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that’s why i want to say a big thank you to oluwakemiprosperityspell@live.com This great man made me to understand that there no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:oluwakemiprosperityspell@live.com

  450. I am williams by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage, my wife left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called High Priest OLORUN which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 7 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped High Priest OLORUN ’s e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. High Priest OLORUN is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man… If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High Priest OLORUN anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact:{OLORUNLOVESPELLHOME@gmail.com.

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  452. You all have such inspirational stories to share with others. My advice to everyone is to NEVER own another person’s problem. In this life, we can choose to be Bitter or Better. I also choose the latter. Life happens, and we all have the power to empower ourselves to make the life we so desire. That is always a much better way of using our time and energy in a proactive and meaningful way. Jealousy is a deadly cancer that erodes every fiber of a person’s being. I’ve seen it happen to a person I thought was a friend. Her life started falling apart due to bad breaks of a bad marriage, losing her home, and having to move back into her mother’s house with her children. We’ve worked together in a school setting for nearly ten years. The first two years were fine, but thereafter, she began acting strangely by being angry, not speaking and avoiding me. She would deliberately park in my parking space at work, and behave in other immature ways. At first, I overlooked much of the behaviors, and wrote them off as her frustration of being in a bad place in her life. I simply ignored her and her juvenile antics. She is nearly ten years my junior, but she is extremely jealous of me, and tries to copy everything I do. I am naturally pleasant and happy, and most people are drawn to me because of my down to earth nature. I have always been a confident person who has a very high self-esteem.

    I am 53 years old, and I am told by many that I look 10-15 younger. My jealous coworker is about 10 years my junior. I have never done anything to make her feel jealous, but oftentimes other coworker always compliment my appearance in her presence and she becomes angry with me. She has been acting in this jealous manner for the past six to seven years. A couple weeks ago, she did something that made me realize how toxic and pathetic she really is. Her jealousy has become lethal. She is always jealous of my academic skills, and the way I carry myself. This day, I guess I was too well dressed for her; she took one look at me and grew angry and jealous. She stopped speaking to me for two days. At that point, I decided that I had had enough of her petty jealousy and evil spirit. I decided to distance myself from her. I’m still cordial to her, and I’ll always be professional, but I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is so small and insecure.

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